Thursday, May 31, 2007

Stuck in between

Every time parents quarrel or become unhappy with each other, who suffers the most?

The children.
Because they become the mediators, the messengers, the arbitrators, the one who'd take sides and support them.

I've had enough lor.
"Ar! Go and tell your mother blah blah blah...~"
"跟你爸爸讲啊... ..."

I don't want to care, but cannot leh. Siao liao.


Aiya, anyway besides the point.
My attitude recently has been very bad. RIGHT?
Ha ha...
It's not entirely my fault though. I expressed my emotions through the wrong way, which doesn't solve anything at all.
Maybe i'll do something about it. xD

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

First Day

Now i truly know the meaning of earning hard-earned money. The first day at work has been quite an enriching experience. It's not exactly something new to me since i've done similar admin work for my dad about 3 years ago. But now, since i'm getting paid, that means i don't get to stop working whenever i feel like it. I have to keep pushing myself to get on the task and finish it efficiently. So far so good, no complaints from my 'manager' a.k.a mom, only praised that my work speed's relatively fast compared to the other girls. What can i say? Ha!! I'm gooood.

I'm totally sunburnt at the front of my body. And NOT tanned at all at the back. Damn.
Today's tanning was successful, only 50% that is. Ha ha ha... I love the tan on my face. Rosy cheeks! I never have enough blood to circulate around my face to give me that on normal days, that's one reason why i love to get sunburnt. Heh heh heh~

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Wouldn't it be nice

I'm going to start my very first job in an office tomorrow! My 14 years of life... and a great opportunity has come knocking. It's kinda cool to be have the adults around, yet it's going to be fun cos' my soon-to-be colleagues are already close to me initially. Hehe.

And just as i thought my holidays was going to be skate and slack. Now i've got it too packed! With a million projects from school, plus the long-promised skate outings, the friends outings, and now almost a 5-day work week, plus extra time spend with YOU, you and Youuu, not forgetting the family day.
Very interesting holiday i have eh?

Heh heh...

Who says holidays = going overseas = FUN?
Poor folks like me can still stay in SG and have our very own local funnnn!

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Surprises

Behind every single one of us... lies a great story; often untold.

But we choose to judge before we even know someone.

How do we get to hear those stories then?

We People...

We get plenty of exercise jumping to conclusions, pushing our luck, beating around the bush, and dodging the issue.

That's why we're all so fit in the mind.

Fighting all for the wrong reasons.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Puzzling

I still don't get the logic behind all these.

What's the difference in a simple life and happiness?

What about a better life and happiness?

And then what about a comfortable life and happiness?

Again, a luxurious life and happiness?

Are they linked in a way or another?
How varied is this 'happiness' that i'm talking about here. In fact, i don't really know it myself either. Will i be happy with a simple life? Or maybe happier with a better life where i keep improving? Or a life where i'm more career-driven to live comfortably in the sense of financially? What about luxury? Does being rich equals to being happy?

I think it's still low time to be wondering and be puzzled by it. Maybe i'll find answers along the journey...
But i'm too inquisitive... always indulging myself in endless questions;
some with answers,
and
some with no answers.

Till now, i haven't defined happiness. Maybe i'll never be able to.
Because happiness is perceived differently by different individuals and it exist in all forms.

But i do know that at every point in my life, i've definitely experienced happiness in a million kind of forms already.

Happiness is queer, ain't it.

You can't see it.
You can't touch it.
You can't taste it.

You only feel it... with your heart.
And that, i believe is the greatest form of happiness; to be felt by the heart.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

It's a gift

Life's been rather hectic lately. With so many things to catch up. Friends... dear friends to spend time with. I've been neglecting you guys for quite some time before the exams. Now it's time to unwind and relax. I know i've became a mountain tortoise already. I never go out, i never go shopping, i never check out the 'in' things, i don't know what's popular. Gosh, i'm so not meant to be a teenager. Big time slacker slacking around in the house with nothing really that interesting to do anyway.

After the preparations for the mid-years and all, results are out.
Basically, i'm a little disappointed but satisfied all the same.
I've put in effort, i know i did, there's room for improvement but somewhat the standard's there, the limit is there. I know myself. Though we never restrict ourselves to whatever, only striving to look forward and improve.
Hopefully we are as encouraging as we can be, with more effort, even if we don't do well, we know we did try. Maybe it's not the time to shine yet. Some time later, eventually we will.
The competition in the school is really strong. I've realised. We're all studying like mad fools trying to outwit each other. Trying to get the desired average. Or just trying hard to stay in the school.
I keep having the mindset that studying's simple. It actually is. But with the pressure and stress from too many factors. It makes it difficult.

Now i understand what studying hard and smart really mean. In the past, it's just study for the sake of it. But it's not the case anymore. Both gotta work hand in hand to do well. Loads of practices, hard work, effort, and most importantly, the time you dedicate to doing well. I always don't understand why people can score easily. We all have the same teachers/environment, and we're all human beings. It's actually how much effort we're willing to put in to scoring well.
Not that i'm very satisfied with my results, but i know i did try. I'm glad i did. It's a different feeling for the process although the end-result is still quite the same.

Next thing's that i learnt something. I learnt that i've made the right choices for the past few months. And i'm glad i made it right. Our life's filled with choices and decisions for us to make every single day, and it affects us very much with our decision at the end. I tried new methods to solving problems. And surprisingly, i'm impressed with the results. Our emotions affect how others react. To the desired outcome, i realised we have sacrifices to make. Either we give in, or we lose out. It's quite simple. Human psychology i guess. The more you get it, the more you won't treasure. The lesser you achieve, the more drive there is. The hunger for power. The hunger for acceptance. The more you can't fit in, the harder you try. It's an endless cycle. To break the endless cycle; go for something you've never done before. Surprise people. Surprise yourself with the results.
You'll feel different, i guarantee.
You'll feel you've achieved something you've never did in the past.
And, it's a great feeling.


Love can surprise us out of the blue and send us dancing...

Friday, May 11, 2007

Girl all the bad guys want...

All the boys and all the girls... losing their souls in the material world.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Gone with the wind...

Everything has changed.

I've changed.

I don't know for the better or the worse.

But i do know that almost everything has taken a drastic change, at least, some good, some bad.

What's wrong with my PR skills lately? Is it really me? Does the problem lie with me? Why? Why do i always feel wronged. Why do people like to act on impulse? Why do people like to show a heck care attitude when in fact they care. To show that they are strong?

Whatever i do, it doesn't help. Nothing does.
I have too many confessions to make. Too many accumulated frustrations.
All these are starting to take a toll on me.

I wonder, i really do, if i should continue...
how long will this nightmare last?

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Fun~

The best way to celebrate after the exams?

Party! Party! And more funnnn!

It was a blast today. Ya, blast my skin and face. Wanted to be tanned so badly but ended up being not very tanned, or, matter of factly, not tanned.

Had a great great time gorging food down myself, i don't know what's with me and stephie's house's food, but they seem to have a connection. Ha ha!

How can i forget that we all had such a big time clowning around. Acting like kids all over again. Yelling, screaming and bullying the same loser.
Oh not forgetting the "Honey, if you really love me, would you smile?" game.
Gosh, i think i rock at that. Best perv around again as usual. HAHA! That's a wrong name to uphold man.

We took tons of pictures. Bonded the seveners way. I think no one else except seveners understand that kinda connection we share. It's special.

I always feel so 100% of myself when i hang around with you guys. You guys bring out the best in me.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Why?

I've been thinking about it and starting to notice the major mood swings i have at different locations with different groups of people. The only place i call home, is one where i come back, feeling relaxed, no doubt; but i just don't know why, i have a gloomy feel as well.
It seems so 'dead' at home. There's no life. Literally, there's only me, in a big 'empty' space.

And not that i don't have any 'exciting' things to do, but, it seems so lonely. I feel lonely. I think Chanel understands the feeling. In a confined room, with nothing but you and your com and bed. The only things to do: Use the com, sleep, read, study. It's a perfect conducive learning environment, but it's not a perfect place for one to grow up in.

I don't have the best of both worlds. A well-to-do, and happy family. At least i have one.

Most of the closer families around me are not well-to-do, but at least they have a loving family for them. The way they bond and shower their love for each other; money can never replace that scene that is so normal for them, and yet so rare for me.

I don't deny i have a loving parent. I get the best of one world, one mom. I have the full love a mom's role can offer. But i'll never have the privilege to enjoy the other half. Maybe not this life. And yet, I don't blame anyone now. I did, last time i did, i blamed my mom for not marrying a better man. I blamed the house. I blamed everyone, but myself.

Slowly, as i mature and understand the situation in different perspectives, it seems that nothing can salvage this once thing that ever happened to me. Maybe it'll leave something in me. Maybe, i'll remember it for the rest of my life. Maybe, i'll hate the person i loved. Maybe i'll forgive. Maybe i'll forget. Maybe i'll learn. Uncertainties. But i know i will never blame. I will never let it devour me. I will never carry this burden with me when i move on.
It's hard to say that i'm glad it happened before. It takes a lot of willpower to convince myself. But someday, i know i will be able to. How happy can i be to lose something almost too many people take for granted? But if i don't get over it. I will carry this shadow with me into my future. And that's something i do not wish.

It has forced me to mature. Forced me to think more like an adult at a teenage age. Forced me to grow up to who i am today.
It's a privilege not everyone has.
It's the key thing that has shaped me to better my life, to lead the way i want it to be. People my age might not understand the many difficulties that i have gone through to who i am today and that i might just be putting on a facade that i'm trying to be smart, yet i don't blame them. I love myself totally just the way i am. I'm unique. And someday, i know i will stand out from the rest. People who knows me, understands me inside out. People who don't know me, catch a glimpse of me and remains in the dark. That's how vague it is.

人没有智慧,无所谓,最重要是要有修养.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Fly fly away

Time flies in the blink of an eye! 5 more days to 5 months... keke.
And 2 more weeks to the end of term 2!

Life's haven't been changing much since i've gotten used to it. It's quite a joy being busy busy with my life that i forgot about the time. Guess when i'll be 16? 16! That's next year. Ha ha. And just when i thought i'd be 12, going on 13 to a Sec school. Or 6? going on to Primary school! xD

I realised with constant reminders i'm starting to change my attitude, then my habits, and slowly my lifestyle. Of course, to a better life. I'm somewhere 5% of achieving that eternal peace which i still can't. Ha ha. I still get easily irritated somehow when i'm suffering from some emo crap.

And another thing that i learnt: not to think too much about the future.
It sounds quite wrong coming out from me, cos' i know people expect me to think perhaps, 5-10 years ahead already. Then i realised, we are living in the present. Why think so much about the future? Aims and goals of where you will be, that's logical to have goals and aims to work towards to. But other than that, predicting your future and expecting this and that from the future, is quite out of point. Most of the time, one will end up disappointing oneself only.
We're not living in the past, nor the future. We are living in the present. So why not give your 100% attention to enjoying the present and living in the moment. Hehe. I will quit fast forwarding myself so much that i'm missing out on all the good things that's happening in my life right now.

However, with that glimmer of hope where my goals and dreams lie in the distance...

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Kinda crazy

This is very weird for a 'normal fully functional' teen student to be saying this, but, i actually find joy in studying for the mid years. (I can hear heads dropping onto the grounds and eyes popping out!)
When i study and revise for the first time, just specially for the mid years, i realised it ain't all that difficult. I know, people think i go home every day straight after school, cos i revise my school work, but oh no, that's just so wrong. Half the time i don't study at home. Actually, that's most of the time. Haha!
Then, after revising everything, and looking through my past work. I realised how careless my mistakes were, and everything weren't all that difficult after all.
Even so, after realising studying ain't that hard, i still have a lazy bone in me.

Revising last minute still ownz big time, for me, at least.