Wednesday, September 24, 2008

My thoughts and not anyone else's

All these times I've tried taking a back seat, keeping my cool and thinking through calmly before reacting. Friends who understand me very well will know something must have happened to me for me to react in a big way because I can handle my emotions well.

Right now it is a grey matter on who's the right or wrong one, because i can safely say there is no such right or wrong party. Just like there may be causes for things to happen.

If you ever notice the top right of my blog that says "If you don't like a culture, don't buy it. Create your own." Maybe this is what I am doing right now.

There is actually a cause to me being so irrational and angry. I am truly very angry, and I have never felt so much anger before for a long time. I'm sure you guys haven't heard WHY i am like that. Don't even assume the actions I did is linked to whatever you guys assume.

The main trigger factor that got me going was the day that Ruby was asked by Vic to leave her alone. To be frank, it wasn't the only single thing that made me so angry to stand up for a friend. It was all the things that have been accumulating in me all these while, but because i have learnt to compromise in order for people to be happy, i rather it remained that way. Why have things have to turn out like that? I'm still asking myself why I lost my cool because it is very unlike of me.

When Ruby was so upset about it, I was reminded of the very first time it happened to me very long ago. That time I wasn't that close to Vic and didn't understand her. Belle and I got told off by her to fuck off when she and Mel were at the 4th level toilet staircase, if i didn't remember wrongly, we received our English compo and she was upset about her marks and Mel was comforting her. That was the first time in my life someone told me to fuck off, I felt weird inside that I didn't do anything wrong and moreover Belle and I were looking for her because we were concerned. That matter soon was forgotten because Vic apologised the very day after school. I told myself that perhaps this is how she communicates with friends and accepted the way it is.

Subsequently as we became closer, I kept telling Pam and Tan that Vic has a nice character if you really understood her. Till now, I still don't feel I have judged her wrongly. There are many little things that need not be said but the actions can be felt.
I don't go out with her frequently, but the few times that I did, I feel like there's a part of me that's not me. I always thought when friends go out, we love to chill out at a place and talk about everything for hours. Girls' talks they call it. I know this is very individual and I felt like I wasn't good enough for Vic to go out with her. It was either a waste of her time if we didn't do any shopping and do something fruitful in her opinion. People's opinions may differ in some point at times, but as friends we compromise as a group to make everyone happy as a whole. I know everyone in the clique has done their fair share of compromising and closing one eye at times, forgiving and letting it go. But what i feel really upset about is how everyone of us has to listen to her likes and dislikes and compromise ourselves even to the extent of making ourselves unhappy. It's always her who has the power of authority, if she wants something, she will get it whether we like it or not.

I know some people don't want to voice out in case nobody supports their opinions. I might be wrong here, but i know everyone has eyes to see for themselves. How many times do you see Claire pleasing Vic just for the sake of making her happy? I don't think Claire likes making fun of herself and putting herself down for Vic's entertainment. How many times do you see Vic demanding for things to be done her way. No one gets a second word and all of us in the clique are used to it. Even I was used to it and i know Vic is like that.

I've thought really long about how friends should be. I've been bottling this up for long because i don't see the point in blowing it up when it's my individual opinion. If i'm not happy, it should be solely me who's not happy. I shouldn't influence people to think my way nor feed people information for which they can see for themselves.

Friends should be there to bring out the best in you and not bring you down to feel good herself. I cannot be myself totally because i have to constantly ensure that I don't offend Vic in any way. It's like a false pretense. I guarantee there are not many such friends you can find who brings out the best in you.
I've feel like I'm always the one giving in and not getting any back. It's not a mutual thing. And I'm sure Vic, you know what i'm saying. Even you say it for yourself that i'm always the one giving. I know i like to joke around about my valentine's day present, about the many senseless loves and blowkisses.
Each one of you can feel how sincere and genuine someone really is.

Remember the time when Vic's birthday was arriving. How much she whined about having to plan and everything being so last minute. All of us didn't want her to feel sad and put in effort to do a pre-party surprise for her. How much she meant to everyone is obvious here. If at any point here you feel that I wasn't sincere to you because of what i said, i was. If i wasn't i wouldn't go for pre-planned surprise, actual birthday bbq and post birthday dinner. All 3 straight in a row, just for your birthday. I treated you like i would to any friend i treasure, but i felt the more i gave the more miserable i am because i don't feel appreciated as time goes by. I need to feel that my actions are worth it. Who doesn't like praises at some point in their life? Constant criticism only weakens self-esteems. 如果你会做人你就不会把每件事当作是应该的.

I have nothing against anyone at all, I treasure and appreciate deeply what everyone of you has done for me and it's definitely not the end of any friendships, because if friendships end over some senseless things, then they shouldn't be called friendships. I just want to voice my unhappiness all this time that i've been experiencing. I haven't been the best of myself when i constantly feel as if i've been pressurized to please people and make them feel happy when i end up feeling miserable.
The very reason I got so worked up because I really cannot take seeing how friends around and even myself cannot be happy anymore. I need to put a stop to getting pushed around and to please people at the expense of my own happiness. Real friendships are more genuine when both parties are equally enjoying just the mere presence of each other without the need to feel careful about our speech and actions.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Years after years...

秋天的风一阵阵的吹过, 想起几年前的这个时候...

我还是一个小孩

在这儿玩了好久, 好多年

就这样一笑而过。。。

Thursday, September 18, 2008

I don't normally do this.

It's 7a.m in the morning. It's a school day. I don't know why i'm here doing this, but i am.

I've been immersing myself with books these days. It's like the bookworm habit's kicking in for me. Some of the prelim results are back, and they aren't really a morale booster. I am too careless!
Well, the only thing that i'm thinking of is to work hard, work like crazy, and work every single day to achieve that As i want. 

Please try and stop the sleeping machine in me. I can't help but take a nap(they normally last more than an hour) every day after i read the papers. 
If i didn't sleep as much, i'll prolly be able to cover more.

I'm heading to school now. Catch you guys again soon!


Sunday, September 14, 2008

Can there be miracles?

There can be miracles... when you believe. 
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill.

I'm officially sixteen years old. It's a new realm for me. There are a couple of activities that i can do openly without worrying about being underage, though i've long gotten used to doing them even before i was 16. 

Everyone thinks about their future. Turning 16 marks a new point in my life. After the O levels, I will have to make a decision that will mould my future. 

I have been thinking a lot about what i want in life. 

Today when i was reading The Sunday Times, I noticed there were a couple of articles relating to the subject love. It is scientifically proven that love is blind. The part of our brain that controls our judgement is switched off completely when a person is in love, especially when sparks are flying. We cannot differentiate the right from wrong nor make any fair judgement about our partner. But sometimes I feel that that part of my brain is not switched off. Does that mean that i'm not in love? Or am I just too logical and rational to be head over heels for a person? 

I see a long way ahead in front of me, and i really cannot predict the future. What lies in store is well hidden from what i can think of. 

I'm anticipating the time when i finish my studies and start working in the society. 
I have so much that i want to achieve in my life.

一个人若不仰望,生活也就失去了意义。


I know the post is a little messy because my thoughts are bits and pieces everywhere. 
Today the Chinese celebrates Mid Autumn festival. I thought of the times when i was much younger, i would wait impatiently for the sky to darken before the kids all bring the paper lanterns out after dinner. We'd take a long walk to the nearby park and play with fire. I wonder why parents weren't against us playing with fire then. Come to think about it, they really have learnt the art of letting us learn by allowing us to fall and pick ourselves up.
Slowly as i got older, i started appreciating the various mooncakes that my mom never fail to bring home each year. Till now, i can still say, i love snowskin mooncakes the best. 

OK, and now Prelims are over. The week zoomed by, I could hardly catch my breath. 
I wonder why I am suddenly suffering from exam anxiety. All the stomachaches that i have to suffer in silence. I've lost the ability to breathe deeply to calm myself. 
I think i also know the reason why, I'm stressing myself a lot because i need to do my best. 
I wish to share my dreams and hopes...

Sunday, September 07, 2008

Sweet sixteen!

Before i start off this post, i would like to express my deepest gratitude for each and everyone of you involved in this. 
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I swear I've had the best sixteenth birthday ever in my entire life. It was perfect, except for one thing; i shall talk bout that thing later. 

I feel like i've had the Vic's surprise pre-party thing happening on me, except on a larger scale, and it happened early in the morning. I have never ever ever been treated to such a big surprise before on my birthday. 

The clique descending upon Jac's house which is somewhere on the extreme side of earth and seldom would anyone come here. I was really really shocked you guys came to my house at a really unearthly hour. Deep in my mind i was thinking "Aiya, i live so far. Who wants to come here!!! =( "
At 8a.m on a Friday morning! It was raining. Imagine the birthday girl still sleeping snugly in bed and 8 people woke up before the sunrise to prepare for the surprise! I'm very very touched you guys had to brave the rain and cold to travel all the way to an alien planet somewhere off the earth. 
Lighting up the candles on the cake. Note: all these happened while i was still in bed oblivious to what was going to unfold.

Someone must have opened the door for you guys. I can't believe that being a light sleeper i didn't even hear ANYTHING. The moment my eyes fluttered open and my vision blurred, i saw a MOB of people SURROUNDING MY ENTIRE BED. BALLOONS EVERYWHERE and my stomach flipped. My heart skipped a beat. I forced my eyes to open, but the sight was too overwhelming. 

Happy birthday to youuuu!
Happy birthday to youuu!
Happy birthday to Jacccc!
Happy birthday to you!

I shut my eyes taking everything in. It was too fast for my mind to absorb what was happening. I only knew my heart beat started escalating rapidly and I saw the lit birthday cake on my right. xD I started feeling cold and clammy from the sudden shock. I swear. If I was any old lady, i could have died from a heart attack. 

Presents from everyone : 
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The bouquet of balloons! =D

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Cake-cutting time! Lovely tasting strawberry shortcake. This is something very different from all the years of the birthday cakes i've cut. 

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After all that, Tan and Pam parted without taking a group photo together! =( It was all my fault.

The remaining people, Ruby, Mel, Nel, Wayne and I went to cathay to catch a movie. Belle and Elaina certainly had good reasons to pangseh us! We went Aston's before the movie.

This is my first taste of the beef heaven. 
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After eating wagyu, no other ordinary steaks would be up to standard, i promise you.
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The price that you pay $38.90 for a Wagyu Grade 5/6 Ribeye is way affordable because it is easily twice the amount at any steak restaurants. ;)

Now, the thing that made my birthday not perfect was the movie.

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Please DO NOT watch this movie even if you have no other movies to watch.
I can sum the movie up in a line :
All about phone ringing and a car going on the road from the countryside to the city.

It was ultimately the most boring-est ever movie i've watched. 
1)Wayne fell asleep 5 minutes into the movie.
2)Chanel and Ruby fell asleep soon after.
3)I had to shake Mel's hand(okay, i admit, it was more like spasms) continously whenever the phone started ringing so as to keep myself awake and not get too restless.

After the movie ended, we went our separate ways. Mel left for church, while Rubz went Nel's house to study.

Wayne and i went to the soup spoon! HA Elaina and Vic! =P
I had tokyo chicken stew.
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It was lovely, as usual.

After that, we went to Excelsior SC to get my birthday present from him. 
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I've been wanting an acoustic guitar since 2 years back. It's like a dream came true. 
My next wish would be an amp. xD

After the sun had set, we headed back to his house for him to change into more appropriate attire for some fine dining at Duxton Hill. 

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I wanted to take the exterior of the restaurant, but there were many diners mostly caucasians alfresco-dining so i was a bit paiseh to snap a picture.

The restaurant has a romantic ambience except for the noise level. Mostly expats dine there. The price is a bit on the high side. Expect to pay about 70 per person for a complete meal includes appetitiser, main course, dessert and drinks.

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That's a wildmushroom lasagne, you don't normally find it anywhere.

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And this baby roasted chicken almost tasted as soft as fish. 

The food comes in really small portion for a really high price though i must say the dishes are uniquely crafted.

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The left is Rose and the right is Sauvignon Blanc. I even called Vic to ask her how to pronounce Sauvignon Blanc. Then i told Wayne "Lucky i'm not a guy, have to order the food, and when you don't know how to pronounce, you malu yourself. The girl just sit there and laugh at you." xD

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I thought this was really sweet~! 

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My love for you guys are beyond words and I really had a blast for my 16th birthday. I feel like the luckiest and most pampered girl on earth.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Hanging in the air

"Jac! You don't look like you're going anywhere after O levels!"

Ya, i'm sure Elaina, i still don't know where i'm going after O levels. I'm a tad too fickle about where to go. First i wanted NAFA, then poly, then VJ/TJ, then IB, then overseas and blah blah blah. Now, i really got myself CONFUSED. Oh nooooooooooo.

Tell me what to do!

Maybe when O levels are done and the results are out, i'll start to fumble about where to go. Till then shall i worry.

Yesterday Belle was rehearsing her Drama exam piece for us, one of the poem was titled Schizophrenic. I think i can act a schizophrenic character out well. Maybe i'm one.

"Why so serious?" -The joker

Heh heh heh heh...