Sunday, February 28, 2010

Down

Everyone around me is complaining about the same damn thing that's getting to us really relentlessly these days. It's the bloody heat which is unbearable and frustrating, especially so when my mom's car a/c unit has broken down -- each car ride is equivalent to a sauna session.
Temperature's been rising like the earthquake's Richter scale in Chile. It's been happening and a lot of people really can't deny it anymore - the frequency of natural disasters is on a climb.
It might be me being more aware of the current affairs as compared to the past, but what I've been catching headlines after headlines are earthquakes, floods and hurricanes all over the world. It never stops. I'm not surprised that there are going to be forest fires from Indo and the haze is going to hit the little lion city once again.

Trust me, it's going to be one hot smokin' season this March.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Release

On the way to school today as I stared out the window at the buildings flashing by, boy was I glad it's a new week again. It means a fresh start, a clean slate to begin on.
The day wasn't anymore different but I was definitely feeling much better. I think it's really a lot to do with the self rather than the environment. I'm sure the environment hardly changed from last week, it was my mindset heading for the positive side and I was feeling way happier.
At least lessons seem to make more sense and it feels good. This kinda feeling compounds so I'm glad I'm getting back on track again.

I know this sounds gay but Calvin will feel so honoured: he's my inspiration to study even harder. When I think that I'm studying hard, I see Calvin working his ass off every free period and I feel that I'm still taking it a little too easy. He is my best role model as his time management is really good compared to mine. His commitments range from ice hockey to climbing to school and he still is able to handle all these stress. I would crumble physically and mentally.

It's really heartwarming to have so many dear friends caring and standing by me. It's what bounces me to get on with life and move ahead because there are so much more bigger things. With Gravical in another week's time, I'm all excited once again to climb. I hope I'm able to pull the positive feeling from the start of training to the end. Usually I start off feeling all geared up, then as it gets into an hour or half into training when the routes start getting more difficult(or it's just me getting more tired and unable to complete the routes), I start feeling damn sian.
I need more stamina to last the high intensity bouldering.

I am just enlightened that I have a really talented Physics tutor. I wonder if Serser actually knew so much about him. For the amount that I'm paying, I'm more than willing to give. He is a really well-educated person and he ended the lesson today by giving Zac and I so much to think about life in general. He talked about how we can all just do one thing to improve our personality and we might just broaden our perspectives by a lot. And that one thing is very subjective to individuals. It might be something for one, and an altogether different thing for another. Each of us knows best what is that one thing that we can change, but the key problem lies in it not being easy to do.

I love these sort of talks about self-improvement because I believe in life, the best sort of fulfillment and accomplishment comes spiritually.
It happens internally.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

In a mess

I've found out something that's not affecting my studies and that's the computer. I managed to get by the week without turning on the computer at all and surprisingly my studies took a back-flip. Everything did not go smoothly for me this CNY week.

I have lost all the CNY mood(well I had hardly any to begin with), and all I've been feeling is not a well deserved break but loads of catching up to do from orientation week. I am struggling like crazy, and I don't know why. I just feel like I'm suffocated by so much work, the feeling of lagging behind tutorials is akin to attending class taught in an unknown language.

Every single festive season is bound to kick up some dust off the bitter memory lane, re-opening the wounds over and over. I force myself to cry to let out the tension and it's somehow useful. I know right, it's so silly to be forcing but it actually feels good after that. I guess it's a natural body function and violence not only does nothing to help and scares my dear Sushi.

Those times when you feel like the world is against you, it feels crap.
It takes my focus off and it's stupid because I know it's not an excuse. Every class I will be so attentive that it's draining at the end of the day, then I get home only to start the round 2 by doing all the work due and the workload seems to be never-ending.
The whole week gets by like that, day after day, night after night, study, sleep, study sleep. I feel so lifeless.
The moment I want to create some space for myself to breathe, I feel the inclination to start studying again. I sound crazy and it has been a really bad week.

Climbing is not going as well as I had hoped it would. I give it my best but I feel it's not enough. The feelings of exasperation and disappointment are overwhelming. Emotions run wild and I somehow keep giving in to negativity. What happened to me? I seem to have lost my compass, my directions.
During these times of desperation, when someone shows just a little bit of concern, it means the world to me and I can never ask for a better coach.

Studying makes one go only this far... and I have thoughts sometimes questioning if it's all worth it giving up the soul.
After all, I've always gotten the morals lecture from my mom that the more I study, the more useless a daughter I've become as compared to my brother. Is it a fair balance -- The brain flourishes but the heart empties out. Sometimes I hate myself for the hardened exterior, and the vulnerable inner core. I even wonder why I let others judge me and let it affect me.

I need some optimism injected to my very veins.

My thoughts are flying everywhere and this post is really messy but I have no idea at how I should reorganize the paragraphs because like the title says...

I received a huge $500 angbao from my dad, it's huge in relative comparison because to him, parting 50 cents to his daughter is like asking for his life. I hate it when my life stabilizes and then something always have to happen to tip it over. This is one of those moments. I feel so distant from him like I've never known him in my entire life. The $500 to make up for the absence? The care? The love? The responsibility? The guilt? I don't know. My mom said to give him a chance, and to give myself a chance as well.
I try. It's hard when I see a simple happy family doing something as simple as having a meal together. And I hate it when my mom, who wants a family to be like a family but has to work 5 days a week till past midnight, leaves an empty house to me. What is a home when it's so cosy yet so void of human presence. My brother doesn't help at all and those words that he said ring in my mind everytime I dream of a holiday overseas with just the 3 of us. My world crashed when he said he'd rather go for a holiday with his future family than with this current one. I would do anything to be in the shoes of others who go for holiday family trips year after year.

This is a really good life lesson to me because I learn to treasure only when I have lost. And now there's only those fantasies I entertain from time to time.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

CNY

With CNY looming overhead, I have officially not gotten any new clothes in for the new year. With activities jam packed throughout the week, the thought of getting new clothes have been dragging on and on. I am sure I still won't be able to get new clothes seeing how busy my mom has been. Every night I head to bed before my mom even reaches home. Is this a workaholic phase again? AGAIN? It's annoying how we barely exchange some lines in the morning when she fetches me to school. It's even better when my brother is still stuck in camp 5 days a week. I come home to have a really conducive place to study through the week because of its absolute silence lest for the casual meows my kitty so affectionately does it to welcome me back home.

I guess this might be setting the tone for the rest of the year, and it might be just right for me to start gearing up for the As after the whole orientation fest. Almost 2 months are up and I do realise how time is becoming really tight. The thoughts of my next destination appear here and there and I need to put my act together to get what I want.

Gravical will be coming up in March and Philip has so gladly reminded us that we only have the next two weeks to bring our climbing skills up a few notches. With everything running at full speed, I will be surviving with this quote from Gandhi's:

Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Post orientation

It's been ages since I last turned on the computer. Orientation week has been soooooo hectic, and it's amazing how I managed to survive. Well, not really surviving right now since I've came down with a really bad cough and flu. These 2 days have left me coughing till i have no air. It's embarrassing to keep coughing and coughing and it's even worse when you just can't seem to stop it because the more i cough the itchier the throat feels and the more i will cough.
Standing over the sink just now while coughing made me puke out a little of what I had for high tea with the guys after school. Why torture me like that!

Oh yes, digression much.
Orientation X is so much better than the orientation I experienced last year. I think it's because of the roles that have been changed. Being an OGL sure beats being a lost clueless friendless OGM. All the high moments of leading the mass dances(which obviously I'm quite fail) and most of all cheers. It's weird how some of the OGMs are able to just sit there and stone and not get affected by the high atmosphere around. But nevertheless, I always believe that if you want it to be fun, you gotta be fun yourself and not expect it to be fun for you. I'm very blessed to have quite an enthu bunch of OGMs. Some of them really have no qualms of leading the rest on the second day. Impressive!

TJC Climbing Club has broken its record because a whooping total number of 99 J1s have shown interest in climbing! The numbers weren't that big last year. It must be all of our talents for being charismatic and sexy. I can't wait for the trials tomorrow. Remember the criteria: RICH, HANDSOME/PRETTY, GOT BIG HOUSE.

I'm just kidding.

Did I mention how this new maid is so heroic?
She cooks really nice food (at least much more decent than the previous) and she is really fluent in her english. I'm touched by her actions when she cooked barley water and luo han guo and made honey water for me today without even me asking her to! She still cared for me by asking how is my cough. Wah, I've never had such good fortune in a long time.

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

New lease of dinner-life

Ever since Monday, I've been having very good dinners. Calvin was always there to hear my rants of how pathetic my dinners were -- usually consisting of egg(2 variations alternate for the 5 week days -- sunny-side & scrambled) and rice. Now I'm finally enjoying a proper dinner with this new maid who can actually cook properly. Best thing was what she told me yesterday "Eh girl, I found this bowl of oats under the cupboard, like so smelly, got the very sour smell, I think the oats left there for 3-4 days already". Must be my previous maid who hated working with us. In my mind i was like FAIL, no wonder my mom and I diarrhoea every single morning.

Oh yeah, check out this issue of the Nanyang Chronicle!
Rah is featured for being the champion of the Novice cat. and I'm in the picture! How I wished I could have the original picture!

After missing school for 3 full days, I feel so lost and I wonder how the OGLs can last from the whole day of school before going for mass dance late into the night tomorrow.


Naturally my soul surrenders...