Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Reason why I'm still single

Perhaps the most important aspect of waiting is that you’ll know what your goals and values really are, says Paul Coleman, PsyD, author of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Intimacy. While you don’t want to marry someone just like you, marriage is a lot easier if you two share a similar outlook on life.
Twenty-four and already married to the man of your dreams? Don’t worry: Many young marriages survive. But given the choice, you might consider putting off the big day until your mid-20s or later.

This is probably one of the most dominant thoughts in my head. The wonder of why some people can dive into relationships one after another. While some take a while before committing to the next again. I belong to the latter group. Yet, this doesn't necessarily mean a slow recovery process from the previous relationship. It's waiting. Waiting for my own goals and values to be cemented, and finding someone else who has similar values in life. The wait is definitely worth it, than going in for a kill just because you're merely lonely.
Companionship can be found in friendship. Loneliness is the top most reason many people dive into their relationship, only to find out that there are many things that they couldn't see eye-to-eye. Why go through the process only to know the harsh outcome? Feelings are not meant to be played like that.
Falling in love is irrational. It's staying in love that's rational, because you need to understand the flaws and strengths, and still love the person. Like how you commit to your family. It's an undying tie. You don't just suddenly wake up one day and say, "I feel like I don't love you anymore". It requires effort. It's not magic that couples stay in love for a long time.
This is like a self justification of why I am still single. Because I'm waiting. Not for the right guy to sweep me off my feet, but for myself to re-adjust my overwhelmingly high expectations. Which is a tough journey, because being more educated makes the expectations just go up exponentially. There'll be a group of people who'd advise me it's counter-productive to my love life. I know. But how do you expect me to lower these expectations when the expectations of myself, are exceedingly high, as well. 
An excerpt of where I think my motivation lies...
"It is one thing to believe in a nice old God who will take care of us from a lofty position of power which we ourselves could never begin to attain. It is quite another to believe in a God who has it in mind for us precisely that we should attain His position, His power, His wisdom, His identity. Were we to believe it possible for man to become God, this belief by its very nature would place upon us an obligation to attempt to attain the possible. But we do not want this obligation. We don't want to have to work that hard. We don't want God's responsibility. We don't want the responsibility of having to think all the time. As long as we believe that godhood is an impossible attainment for ourselves, we don't have to worry about our spiritual growth, we don't have to push ourselves to higher and higher levels of consciousness and loving activity; we can relax and just be human.
If God's in his heaven and we're down here, and never the twain shall meet, we can let Him have all the responsibility for evolution and the directorship of the universe. 
The idea that God is actively nurturing us so that we might grow up to be like Him brings us face to face, with our own laziness."

Something about this will lead me to my next topic about effort & hard work in another aspect. 

Sunday, January 22, 2012

男人心痛的感觉

女:我要的是你给不了的。

男:你跟我讲,你要我做什么?我可以为你改变。我愿意什么都为你。

There's some truth in the dramatic cliche exchange. Many times, it's the failure to meet expectations. A mismatch. Sometimes downright unlucky in meeting the wrong person and falling for the wrong person.

I don't even know the point of this post.

Except, I feel for the guy. And sometimes the role can be switched too. You know?

It's always this that I'm most afraid to feel. A whole mess of intangibles beyond control. I rather save the trouble sometimes.

心痛不如不痛。不爱就不痛。

There's no in between. Friends, lovers. You can't hang in between these two and pretend life is happy. It's tiring, right? The place of no-place. Hanging in limbo.

爱而已吗,有这样特别吗? That's how I lie to myself that all I need is myself.

At this rate, my skepticism will start cementing the walls I have built around myself.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Perceptions of the University life

Taking away some of the privileges in life, I am surprised at my own sensibility and adaptability in adjusting myself to live humbly. The best part is, while introspecting, I'd realised I have even found some optimism in the situation. To many, taking the public transport has become a part of life. It has been a part of my life since Secondary school as well. Only that, I'd be blessed with much ferrying about by my mom because she reckoned she could do anything just to make us feel a bit more comfortable than we already are. So I'd sailed through 4 years taking the bus, then another 2 years taking the bus, while witnessing my brother having a car to call his own. I vaguely remember a promise that I would somehow have my own cute little lady car to drive if I do get into University. That was then.

After gaining admission into University, I have acquired my own driving license. But not a vehicle to call my own. How many lucky children really get to drive their own cars to school, seriously? Each time I stepped into my mom's car, I would think of how grateful I am to be behind the wheel, at this age, especially. I couldn't fathom a car of my own at this age, honestly, as much as it would make life more luxurious and comfortable than it already has been for me.

With a turn of events, I stopped driving to school for this semester. I secretly enjoyed having some personal time to catch up on leisure reading while taking the train. The good 7 minutes walk to and fro the station, I pictured building a good stamina for climbing. Honestly, I think I'm crazy to find something good in everything that I do. I enjoyed not having to deal with traffic. Because I always believed in not worrying about something I didn't have control over. And, I didn't have control over the traffic. But it often made me late. Driving to school was supposed to save time, increase efficiency you know. But it has backfired. I'm glad I'm not driving this sem. I'm glad to strip away all the nonsense teasing I get from driving to school. I'm quite tired. I'm not that special. I'm not spoilt. I still function equally well with more simplicity in life.

As my mom was watching a random show on television, she remarked about simple people caring about siblings and having true concern for each other. She pictured building a stable financial foundation for us, and our cousins, and that we would grow up and build our own corporate paradise as a large family. Such huge dreams and big shoes to fill. She used to often talk about my coldness and nonchalance as I became more educated. I couldn't see the reason why she'd think that way. As if education would make a person's moral values disappear gradually. She said the more educated a person becomes, the more selfish he would be. And she was seeing that in me. I was obviously feeling that it was a very absurd and unreasonable perception she had of me.

But then, over these past months of being in where the real higher education is, I start feeling and seeing so much more. I start understanding. I felt for myself the reason why she made that comment. It was all over, all around. Even if I told myself to believe in the good side, it was there. Face value. A fact. You didn't have to analyse it, nor think critically about the matter. It was everywhere, in everyone. Something about higher education and the transformational process we all go through.

I have always been particularly annoyed with peers who die also refuse to let others know their marks. I bitch about it, and then forget about it. It's innate in everyone of us to compare. The theory of relativity. The whole bell curve system? That's the essence of relativity. Aside from my pet peeve - people and their mysterious CAP scores, I have been on this arduous journey in seeking sincere people out of this sea of talent. Everyone around me is brimming with intelligence. Intellectual stimulating conversations become a norm. But it's been so hard, finding someone simple, sincere and down-to-earth. Everyone we meet is internally judged in our system of how useful this person is to our own selfish needs.
I am reminded of how my mom always remind me to not despise people without education, because education kills the humanity in us. I believe she is referring to this right now. Where I am right now, in this place of official higher education, all of us have regressed in our personal education.

I am disappointed.

I came to University to seek clarity and purpose, to strive in higher goals. To find my own calling.
Not to a place of selfish people, seeking every mean, to put someone below, just to be higher. Everyone becomes quantifiable by their CAP score, somehow. So much so that the content of character is directly proportional to this particular score. Every thing and every one is talking about is competition. In climbing, in studying. Everything.

It's not competition I seek.

It's fulfillment. It's betterment. Sometimes I wonder, where do we go from here? After good grades, after more money, then what?
We have lost ourselves.

I don't want to lose myself in this journey of higher education.
I'd gladly sacrifice some CAP 5 to retain this humanity in me, in all earnestness of bumping into another sincere person who thinks likewise. I still have some positivity. It's not that bleak, maybe it'll get better, or worse, I can't say for sure. But I do know for sure, that if I were given a chance to strip away everything in life right now? The first thing I'd screw, is results. Because it makes us forget that we were born to love and care for others, regardless of money. Suddenly the Civics and Moral Education we had in Primary school seems more applicable in University.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Think Different

I've always tried to think big. Literally. Putting myself on top of everything. Feeling the best I can be. It may not mean putting others down. But I see myself moving up. Always on top of the whole schema of things.

I came across something that inspired a little change in the mindset. Thinking big, sometimes may not necessarily bring you far. It's thinking different, that makes you the outlier. Everyone thinks big. Everyone has gone on the increasingly fast treadmill. But how many actually dares to step off the treadmill? In Physics, the person has achieved zero displacement. The track moves, but the machine stays. The person runs, but the person, has in fact, not moved to a new place.

Stagnation.

One by one, we all hop onto the treadmill, increasing the speeds, showing off the vitality of youth, the agility in the legs, the fitness of an athlete.

If we were all given the same set of tools again, what would you create?

I cannot even let my imagination run. I've lost my creativity. I don't know how else to re-create. Why try seeking for something different without even knowing the boundaries of 'different'? It's precisely because of that, that we always take a step back again, back onto the treadmill. No matter how tiresome, we step back and continue on it, because at least we know, we'll never veer off into the unknown.

Sunday, January 08, 2012

Biscuits

I feel a bit like you. Giving without returns. But somehow, conscience hurts a bit when reciprocation falls much shorter than even the basic requirements. I seriously lol-ed at myself for the illogical behaviour I don't usually have. I don't know how to even go about describing that feeling. That you ought to know better than that, yet, you just can't help yourself. And then you followed your heart. And then you felt hurt. I think this is being honest with oneself. Sometimes truth in reality does hurt. But we must not avoid seeking truth. I think if I replayed the whole scenario again, and knowing how the dots connect in the end, I would still do likewise. I guess that's the complexity of human emotions.

I was just thrown off guard. But I'll pick myself up again. There's a better tomorrow.

Saturday, January 07, 2012

Post Gravical 2012

Honestly, the open women climbers made it look so easy. My stand still holds strong that I haven't reached their level yet, and I'm glad I'm still staying in this category. Actually today's routes felt as if they were a repeat of Pumpfest 2009 when the intermediate women category a bit failed or performed under Tonde's expectations. It could be because the girls really aren't up to par yet. I guess the girls really have a long way to go before reaching international standards, plus, not many as compared to the men, are as dedicated to hardcore training. I dare say for myself I ain't obsessed yet. Just passionate, not obsessed. 

Feelings? I felt strong. I felt confident. But the wall threw me off. It cut me. It wounded me. It pumped me out so hard. I admit I didn't have a good start. First the announcer said we had 5 minutes before the commencement of the first detail of climbers. So we made our way to the wall. Before 30 seconds were up, suddenly, the announcer said we only had 1 minute left. I think it screwed my mind up because I haven't mentally psyched myself and planned the routes yet. Basically fumbling with wearing the tight Scarpas just in time to run into the grounds. Sigh. I didn't even have time for a pep talk to myself, or the rest of the girls. To me, the mental is so much so much more important than the physical performance on that day. It's my strongest aspect, and I didn't have the opportunity to fully exploit it. We all learn right? Through the hard way. The ever optimistic me is already looking forward to Boulderactive 2012. And, heh, Climb X. 

Friday, January 06, 2012

Content

The new school term beckons in a couple of days time. I spent some time these few days, idling about, counting my blessings, and making mental notes of how I would like to be for the new semester.
On top of that, I had some re-runs of the things I've done and smile to myself because I'd been silly. The process of growing occurs so fast that I'd been able to reflect and take a step back, giving the whole thing an overview, only to realise the naivety of my previous self, within such a short period of time.

You know, if we'd this mindset that every new month is like a new year, we'd be so charged throughout the year to start afresh, to remember our little goals, to remember to hang in there, and achieve what we'd set out to do. We start the year all determined to be the perfect goal-driven person, but end up on a downward slippery slope of a lack of enthusiasm and major procrastination as the year cumulates. And at the end of the year, we realised we haven't really achieved what we'd intended to. Sloppy attitude.

I've gotta readjust some of my priorities with school activities. Poking my hand into many things only divert the finite amount of attention I have. No more working part time and no more taking part in case competitions. With Boulderactive 2012 and renovation of the new place, I think it'd just be perfect to complement my studies.

We'd started some shopping for the interior decoration of the place. The 6 months will fly by. I'm hanging in between modern and european theme. Although there's still time, I ought to go about getting some inspiration and ideas. Not exactly the most creative person, I still hope to create another paradise of my own.

What's there to complain about in life when we're kept productive and busy? And amongst all these, I still devote that little time to improve on myself. It has got nothing to do with anyone. I just like to be a better person. I don't expect the world to become a better place, nor expect people to become nice overnight. I just need myself to not stay stagnant.
Which, I think is a blessing in disguise that I've not renewed my season parking for the new school term. Because I will spend those pockets of time travelling, reading for such knowledge.


Wednesday, January 04, 2012

Dream Catalogue

It's not frequent that I remember my dreams, yet there are 2 dreams fresh in my mind even after I'm back to my conscious state. 

The dream that I had when I was sleeping last night was a really scary near-death experience. I was with someone whom I don't remember, and we were apparently in a construction ground. Suddenly a huge crane came towards us from high up above, with razors at the end. I remember ducking to the ground, bracing myself for death. The seconds slipped by, the sounds were extremely close, yet nothing happened. I was still alive. I woke up. I've never had such dreams before. The feeling of death felt so close.

Just now as I was taking an afternoon nap, which I seldom do also, I had a dream that happened in a movie theatre. I had apparently booked 2 tickets for myself and another person. Then, when it was time for the movie, Nel and Nah turned up and joined me without even paying for the tickets. While the other person I booked the ticket for, didn't. I kept thinking to myself, did I not mention the movie and its timing? Why isn't the person here? Why? Maybe I most likely didn't. Sigh. And I woke up. 

I have a feeling these dreams will stay in my mind for a pretty long while seeing that I still haven't forgotten them till now. When dreams happen, they happen at such rapid intervals. When they don't, they stay dormant for a long while. 

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

Above the usual


For the short 20 minutes airbone, I felt like I was in a place faraway. A place where reality fuzzes out and dreams take its place. Between the fluff and you, was simply a little glass window. You could almost reach out your hand to touch it. But knowing science, even if there wasn't a little glass window that divides dreams from reality, your hand would just flow right through it, almost as if it didn't exist. Simple sights created by nature takes my breath away, especially when I least expect it to. Just a plane ride, and I felt like I was being transported into another world.

We indulge in movies particularly, to take us into another world. The escapist in us showing itself time to time in the books we read and in the movies we grace. I never had that side to me. Or perhaps, I never see myself to be one.

But just this holiday season, I wished for myself to be away in another world, with nothing else and no one else, but the majestic nature and its sounds.