Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Questions These Days

I haven't had a good laugh in a while about the extent teachers go to to formulate questions for students to try. As I was revising the final leg of my managerial accounting module, this question got me laughing.


Your next-door neighbor recently began a new job as assistant controller for Conundrum Corporation. As her first assignment, she prepared a performance report for January. She was scheduled to present the report to management the next morning, so she brought it home to review. As the two of you chatted in the backyard, she decided to show you the report she had prepared. Unfortunately, your dog thought the report was an object to be fetched. The pup made a flying leap and got a firm grip on the report. After chasing the dog around the block, you managed to wrest the report from its teeth. Needless to say, it was torn to bits. Only certain data are legible on the report. This information follows:
... ... ... 
Feeling guilty, you have agreed to help your neighbor reconstruct the following facts, which will be necessary for her presentation.


REALLY? HAHA.
With guilt, I quickly scanned through the report once more with a hell lot of missing information and embark on it. Sigh. What guilt does to humans. Lol.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Realization

Not too long ago, my mom posted a simple question to me -
"Girl, are you happy?"

That was probably with reference to the current state of affairs of having shifted to a beautiful place with all of us settling down comfortably and my dream of being close to school coming true, as well as various other dreams that I once had (like having a poster bed).

I could choke up a satisfactory reply to that, maybe a weak "yes".

Just last night, she randomly stopped me in my thoughts and asked me again.
I couldn't even lie to myself.
I couldn't bring myself to say the "yes" that she wanted to hear.
I couldn't even bring myself to hear the lie. And I kept quiet.

How now brown cow?

What's the state of things? What's the state of my mind? I know it's not a truthful yes I can say... Perpetually sad and depressed, and the worst part of it all is that I can't even pinpoint to something to weed the source of it all. It just overwhelms me and I don't know when I can start saying yes to that question.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Having Too Much Space

Sometimes being alone is good for a therapeutic soulful treatment to refresh the self and recharge the batteries. Finding your thoughts and identity in the world amongst the many faces - you need the alone time to do that. But you know when you have too much alone time on your hands, that you start overthinking about way too many things. You cast doubts upon your decisions. You worry about uncertainties. You fill yourself up with unnecessary burdens, just to fill the aloneness.

I wish I had lesser space. I wish I had more us time. I wish I had lesser me time.
I wish I could cry to you about how all these are so conflicting to me.

Only when you love someone so much, you wished the tears wouldn't well up, but they do, time and again. For the right and wrong reasons. Why boy... oh why.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Little Gesture

As the Reading Week begins, I had my first day spent at home, cooped up in a beautiful, quiet, fit for getting A room studying quite leisurely and enjoyably.

Until someone came along, and surprised me with a box of colourful jellyhearts shouting iloveyou in all its various forms.

Guess who that someone is...


No prizes for guessing right! (okay, at least none of the jellyhearts will be given away as prizes)

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Does It Matter?

Hovering at a ridiculously low CAP score is the reason why I'm here (blogging about my feelings rather than spending 5 minutes more on studying). As I receive the email about the eligibility of the BBA/BBA(Acc) Honours program, I laughed at myself. I have 2 more semesters to get it up. But I wonder, so what if I did? It will be marginally better only and I could possibly only scrap by to get in with the 4th year. And how much value-add will this low honours bring? Not much. So rather than waste my time trying to fit sand in an already full bottle, I'm looking elsewhere for more bottles to fill the sand with. Honestly, it doesn't matter to me. Stop telling me that I need/should/ought to get it. Because it doesn't matter. Not to me. ______________________________________________________________________

On a separate note, I wish someone understood the pain of wanting something you know it's bad for you. It's an unhealthy addiction. I'm digging my own little grave, gratifying myself now only to harm myself more. Why?! More knowledge, less mystery, more pain, less time. Sometimes even I don't get myself. And trust me, I don't blame you for not understanding me. Because I'm grappling with this myself too.

Thursday, November 08, 2012

Pain

How do you describe that feeling when you have everything you've wanted yet something is still missing? I only thought of two words to describe how my heart feels - miserably painful. When thoughts flash through your mind, catching you unguarded, knowing that it's your weakness, it pokes and prods, forcing you to confront the feelings.

And I do.
I do just that. At night. In the solitude of the night. Only in the night when it offers me the silence and embrace I need, to tell me in its coolness, that I can wrap myself up and curl under the sheets, absorbing the coolness from the night, from the presence of no one, letting my warmth seep through the threads, and allowing my heart feel its burn.

Maybe there's a reason why I dream a lot, and remember them. Because I have been pushing my thoughts and feelings and desires out of the way. I smile because that is the only way I know how to present myself. I laugh because I laugh at myself.

I haven't asked myself in a long while now, what is it that my dear heart wants?

Do I think I'm secretly suicidal? Each time I cross an overhead bridge, particularly with the cars cruising along the highway, I picture myself jumping over. Will I die? How will it feel?

爱一个人,如何厮守到老?
怎样面对一切,我不知道。

Pascal's Wager

A really simplified argument to convince us why we ought to believe in God.

We don't know for sure if God exists, and we don't know for sure if God doesn't exist.
So there is some chance that God indeed exists (there is a non-zero likelihood that God exists).

If God exists, and we believe in God, God will send us to heaven after death, and we stand to receive infinite utility/happiness/gain.
If God exists, but we don't believe in God, God might send us to hell after death, and we stand to receive infinite disutility/unhappiness/loss.

If God doesn't exist, and we believe in God, we stand to lose a finite amount of utility/happiness/gain, because we would have wasted time and energy on religious practices.
If God doesn't exist, and we don't believe in God, we stand to receive some finite amount of utility/happiness/gain, because we would have lived life as we wanted, without wasting time and energy on religious practices. 

Therein lies a flaw.
We will only know all of these on hindsight, or probably we'll never know. So, who cares really?
As long as it makes you happy without having the need to impose it on others to rally this support for your happiness.

Wednesday, November 07, 2012

Carpe Diem...

But it's so hard!

Particularly this semester, every week flies by. Monday today, and the next time before I realise it, it's the weekend, and it's week 5, then week 10, then week 12. The semester is drawing to a close. Lessons are into their final stages, everything is wrapping up.

As I study day in day out, waking up in the mornings with the sun, getting my engine going through the day, settling down into a cooling night with an even clearer mind after the daily shower, I can't help but feel like time is slipping through my hands much too fast. I want to seize the day, but what counts as seizing? If all I feel every day is time passing so fast and I'm absorbed with work so much, does that even count?

Look, I'm not even complaining that life is a humdrum. I'm much too busy and enjoy the bustle of work to even complain that life is too boring. Every day, I'm a little bit more enlightened with new knowledge, new articles, new books. But there's still a missing catch.

Don't you feel like there is a more tangible way to actually seize the day? Trying to grasp that concept, but failing miserably.

Tuesday, November 06, 2012

Social Media

It gets pretty tiring at times when you see some things get viral on the internet when if you really think about it, these are the same things that previously did not bother us, because they simply did not matter. However, with much sensationalisation involved, suddenly, everyone is concerned over minute, trivial, mundane things, that, honestly, we can't be bothered about and will be forgotten with time.

In view of this, I thought a perfect fitting quote comes just in time.

"Too often, we enjoy the comfort of opinion, without the discomfort of thought."
- John F. Kennedy

I'm not sure when the last time I fell prey to sharing some useless information which will not benefit someone's intellect, but I definitely will be more aware of not doing so.

Knowledge is power, and sharing that knowledge is good.
But some knowledge about senseless gossip simply just doesn't cut it.

Then again, being a Business student, the benefit lies in using such vulnerabilities of people to fully take advantage of the idea of viral/guerilla marketing.