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Lucid Dreaming

2012-03-15T18:56:00.000+08:00

The last time I broached on this topic was quite a while back, and I think I have just managed to experience my first lucid dreaming experience. Just to explain the term simply, lucid dreaming refers to the ability to control your dream while you're dreaming.

The story that blurs the line of fiction and non-fiction... It feels bittersweet knowing something like that did not happen in reality, but glad that something played out like that in my dreams and I had an active participation in it.

As usual, the time for the conclusion of my usual activity came. As I was prepared to leave the place, I popped an inviting question if you'd want a lift from me back home. You seldom smile, but this time, you gave a wide mischievous grin and shook your head. I sensed some hesitation on your part and decided to seize the opportunity by throwing the question back to you a second time. You agreed. You knew you wanted. As we were in the car, you asked me if I enjoyed giving people rides home, I said I don't particularly enjoy, but it's also because I don't get to enjoy much of people sending me home anyway. You continued on with your random conversations with me until I have no idea how we ended in some other place that we didn't intend to go. Quite illogically, the next scene, the both of us were on a huge bed that didn't seem like a normal one. It was twice the size of a king size bed. You continued with your random sentences that I couldn't pay attention to because I was so distracted by your mere presence. As I was lying on my side facing away from you, I thought I heard you sniffing from behind me, and I guessed you were trying to get a whiff of my hair scent. I shifted in closer to you until we were almost touching. As if I guessed it right, you buried your head into my hair and took deep whiffs. We were in such close proximity but our bodies never touched. As I turned around to face you, you continued talking and our eyes met. I could only keep the gaze so much as 2 seconds before breaking it as it was too intense. I managed another laughter in response to your words while shifting the focus away from you momentarily. I could tell from the corner of my eyes that the close proximity of us but yet not touching at all was a very inviting factor to keep our hearts racing. How odd that a couple of feet away, my mom was lying on the bed with us playing with her handphone. At that moment, you asked her if she could leave us alone and allow us some peace and quiet time together. I winced as I heard those words leaving your mouth, because I knew the presence of my mom was merely an alter ego of myself, reminding me that I ought not do anything a mom would disagree with. As I got up to take a shower, I left the bed and you. Coming out from the shower moments later, the bed was empty, the sheets were messy - an indication that we had been lying there. It was real. I was disappointed that you had left without waiting for me, but I saw a note on the dressing table.

Very abruptly, I woke up from my dream. I was dying to know the contents of the note and I felt really tired, so I shut my eyes and continued sleeping, forcing the dream to continue itself.

Before I knew it, I was back in the room, walking towards the dressing table. Your note came into full view, it was small, but book-like with the middle folded. On it, your unique handwriting in marker showed "Thanks for everything. Sorry I had to go. See you later. 1030." Short and sweet, typical of your writing.

And I woke up again. With everything fresh in my head, I logged this dream in the nearest device I could land my hands on before I start forgetting the details.

I've been very curious about my dreams because I have had 3 days of consecutive dreams which I remember and that's something out of the ordinary because usually I don't remember dreaming at all.
Reading up about this particular dream, which by now, you can tell, has a sensual slant to it, actually has one memorable analysis that I shall just take home with me:

"Sometimes people have dreams where they are being taken care of, loved very deeply or cuddled – dreams that are not overtly sexual but which leave the dreamer feeling very drawn to the person in the dream who was being so affectionate. These dreams can leave an individual feeling very shaken up and confused because often the love interest in the dream is not a regular partner.In our experience, these dreams can tell us a great deal. We believe they're often there as some manifestation that all is not entirely well with our current situation. They often express a hankering for a loving experience that is absent from a marriage or long-term relationship."

Actually I found another more suiting description for the person involved in this dream:

"In case you have dreams about someone you met somewhere, but you are not so sure if you like them or not, this means that this person will become very important for you in a while. The unconscious mind sends you dreams about someone who will become a special person for you when you’ll pay attention to their charm even before you’ll notice their presence."

I'm dying to know if you actually loved sniffing hair scents in real life. That'd be quite funny.

Leap of faith

2012-03-09T02:32:00.001+08:00

I feel I have to note this particular moment where I can physically feel the difference from a varsity team training and a JC training. Despite enduring sometimes the same amount of cruelty to the mind, I can actually see myself putting on those... muscles. It has to be really amazing because I see myself everyday and I'm not supposed to notice the difference, but I do. And I can feel the significance of the additional muscles I've been gaining because my shirts are really getting a bit tighter it has gone beyond the point of being sexy. It just looks too small. And I don't dare to wear dresses anymore (partly because I look like I'm bursting out of them again) because I look like a man and my friends keep saying my biceps are so visually obvious.

Today as I climbed at Asia, I felt my months of effort into liking bouldering and enjoying it really paid off. Because I have dared to execute many dead points and even almost-full throws while leading. That moment where you hold you breath wondering if you'll get the hold while flying mid-air. That risk you take. I wouldn't have had the guts if not for bouldering so hard with crazy dead points I sometimes do that kill the middle finger joints. And it's not particularly that, that I fancied so much about. It's really more about translating my bouldering courage into leading. I keep reminding myself to be like how I am on boulder routes. And I am so glad I managed to do that today.

My vulnerability

2012-03-04T01:32:00.002+08:00

The willingness to say "I love you" first

The willingness to do something where there are no guarantees
They're willing to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out
- These are all the things that I haven't been able to do.

I have a vulnerability issue.
And vulnerability is the core of shame and fear, and our struggle for worthiness, but it also appears that it's also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love, and I think I have a problem, and I need some help.

The greatest insight I have learned from this is that it speaks volumes about myself with regards to this:

One of the ways we deal with vulnerability is that we numb vulnerability.
You cannot selectively numb emotion.
You can't say, here's the bad stuff, here's vulnerability, here's grief, here's shame, here's fear, here's disappointment, I don't want to feel these.You can't numb those hard feelings, without numbing the other affects, our emotions.
You cannot selectively numb.
So when we numb those, we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness. And then we are miserable. And we are looking for purpose and meaning, and then we feel vulnerable.
And it becomes this dangerous cycle.

Well, that's me. Having awareness doesn't mean it is acceptance.
I am really trying to push myself out there.
To invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. It doesn't only restrict itself to romantic relationships, it lends itself to friendships as well.

But there is something more that I have to deal with because while I become more in touch with my emotions with people who matter, people who care for me, they are you guys, my friends.
My family? They keep pushing me back to numb my vulnerability. Because I have to be strong, it's my responsibility.

I think I might have some problems.

"I" embracing masculinity

2012-02-28T11:13:00.002+08:00

If I had to point out one part of me that defies the traditional traits that a girl ought to have, it would be this masculine part referring primarily to my spirit, drive, thinking, and ordering function.

"Modern civilization has evolved around the masculine principle of thinking over feeling, order over spontaneity, detachment over passion, correctness over authenticity, passivity over conflict, extraversion over introversion, law over spirit, head over heart."

I have to break the trance of my masculine reliance. What exactly is this reliance? Externally, looking for the answer and completeness through a man; internally, relying on my rational thinking function only, rather than feeling, rhythm, and wisdom of the heart, body and intuition.

This masculinity and femininity are not the typical outer forms of behaviour, beliefs and cultural norms. They are life force archetypal patterns, endowments and functions that are universal in all cultures in both men and women.

I have been neglecting my feminine function, the feeling function, that is. It is the visceral experience and participation, the ability to receive and to be in the flow of our natural rhythm and nature, to reveal and express at the right time, love, nurture and to be in the here and now.

But I do realise that the masculine principle still holds true today. Many are still in the pursuit of this. While the rest of you go in that direction, I will regress and embrace the other side. Because everyone is just different. Going with the flow at times may feel more right, but going against the flow brings more revelation to the personal self. I think that's of ultimate importance.

If you've been thinking that you've not been very feeling of late, maybe it's time to embrace the femininity principle as well. Vice versa if you've been feeling all the time and not embracing the thinking function.

Aside from dedication to my studies, I really honestly find more meaning in my life pursuing the deeper levels of my consciousness. And, I don't think I have gone crazy yet. Like the allegory of the cave by Plato, you cannot teach a man to be educated, he has to educate himself to understand what education means. And this experience remains only true to oneself.

Finding Yourself

2012-02-26T23:54:00.002+08:00

I think it gets a little philosophical here. Of the works that I have been reading from the world's greatest psychologists/philosophers around, many of them propose things that aren't new to us. They merely propose ideas in ways that we have grown to not accept them.
Not many people can understand philosophy, neither can I, because of our own view that has hardened while we grow. Our thickened skulls filled with our own perceptions and beliefs cannot possibly accept the intuitively-wrong ideas that these philosophers present.

I was trying to explore the aspect of finding myself while falling in love. There are certain emotions that are so strong, that are beyond your control. And there are these particular situations where the more you try to have control over, the more you won't experience the fullness of it.

Having been accustomed to having quite a good grip on my emotions, when someone comes along who matters to me, I start losing control. I get so easily affected, be it in the positive or negative way. I have read a lot on responding to external stimuli. And I wished to create a second level of awareness in which I have the ability to step back and rationalise my actions and emotions. But the whole notion of love has got my ability to reason disappear.

The notion of falling in love is to be vulnerable. You let your heart down, unguarded, and allow the person whom you have fallen for to take it in his hands and care for it. Without having the knowledge of what "care" means to you in your own dictionary, you go ahead and take that risk.

I cannot do that. I've not been able to do that. Maybe that's why I don't like the unpredictability of falling in love. Is there such a thing as being past the passage of falling in love, and just be in love? Because being in love, you know the commitment of the person, and this commitment becomes undying. And with that certainty, I only dare put myself out there, because no matter what happens, this commitment will bound us as one.

I have almost peeled to the onion core. Why are you so good in allowing me to express myself in ways I never knew I could?

Another thing a man should take note of

2012-02-24T01:36:00.002+08:00

Honest opinions from a girl's point of view.

No matter how strong I am, I am still fearful for my safety in the middle of the night. It's not nice walking home alone with barely a soul (probably floating all around me) in the streets. I feel as if I'm on hunter mode, ears pricked, eyes flickering left and right, checking back so often, walking so silently so I can hear, in any case footsteps that are not mine.
No, it's not fun. I feel scared too you know. So people say, then don't go back so late. You're asking for it.
I know right. But it was a perfect opportunity for you to shine. Ain't it?

Knowing how to take care of a female friend is a great investment. I appreciate good friends who go that extra mile. Whoever even created the rule that only your partner can send you home?

I believe if someone cared that much, regardless of the relationship, the man should always offer, and insist, to bring a girl back home safely.

Fickle

2012-02-23T17:39:00.000+08:00

"Never make someone your priority, because they may only make you an option."

I doubt the level of consciousness and emotional control I have over myself.
Why are there factors that are beyond my control? What more, they are only in the mind. I can't even control the way I feel about things. It changes as fast as the air comes and goes.

The fickle-mindedness and unpredictability of my own thoughts sometimes leave me fighting my own inner war when the world hasn't moved an inch since I've had a drastic shift in my own axis.
Compared to many, I already have quite a good level of nonchalance in many things around. Yet, I still have inconsequential things that affect me so easily. And all of it are but merely my own thoughts and assumptions. How silly I can be sometimes. I always remind myself that, that is particularly why I don't put myself in that vulnerable position.

I recall what Sherwin asked me rhetorically, why I can be so single and happy, and why he can't.

I think the uncertainty about people make me not trust anyone that easily as I have trusted routines.
But if people turned into routines, then what fun is there right?

Seriously, I am still in this half-hearted stage of deciding what I really want for myself. I still can't figure. And when I thought I figured, external events/people rock my emotions so bad, I have second thoughts about it.

But why let the external environments dictate my response? It's so much easier to be said than done.
When I threw myself in a world of solitude, I had prepared for all that is to come. And even in that aloneness, at least there was stability and predictability in my life. I need that sense of security.
You know?
Destined to be by myself, because I can only predict my own emotions and still live with it when it does change. And with that, I think that aspect of me has a very girl-like quality to it. Our mood changes as fast as you can ask if we're ok. Damn. I thought at least I was slightly different here.

Unaware

2012-02-23T00:25:00.001+08:00

Wonder why my heart is aflutter? After all these years, it only starts now? Really?
Even I can't believe it myself.

Is this the case of not paying attention or simply letting the years slip by. I wonder as much as you do.
This is the funnest part of it all, but it's also the most confusing part. I guess that's why it's fun.

Like taking risks. You never know what you are gonna get.

Dear Parents

2012-02-21T00:56:00.001+08:00

If only you knew.

There are some reasons why your child does not tell you everything that happens in his life. It's not because he means to hide things from you. Neither is it that he is doing 'wrong' things that he ought not to be doing.

Firstly, how many times do you jump the gun and scold your child as a first response to what he hesitates and have thought through a lot before opening his mouth?

When your child has his first traffic accident, he comes home safe and sound, despite the car being a wreck, and the first thing you say to him is hurtful words about how much insurance you will have to pay and the repair costs.
Have you wondered, behind his physical safe self, his heart is trembling with fear from the near-death experience? Have you stopped to offer a hug and console his shaking fear? Have you cared about his feelings from such a traumatic experience?
No, you don't.
You go on and on about yourself having to fork out more money. It's always about yourself.

When your child has his first break up in a failed relationship, what do you do? You go on and on about how worthless the other party has been. You protect him from the negative experience by shielding him from the harshness of reality. You don't bother to find out what actually happened in the relationship. You assumed things on your part and the blame somehow always lies, not with your own child, but some other irresponsible parent's child. Some of you may have tried to reason things out.
But with single parents, you condemn the poor ex girlfriend/boyfriend of your child's. You label all women/men in this world as useless, unreliable, disappointing just because your own marriage failed.

When your child offers his honest opinions by daring to point out that your parenting ways may not always be right, you feel downright insulted that all the years of effort and love have gone down the drain. He has thought through a lot and presented in it the calmest of ways that sometimes everyone has different views and he is fine with a different view from your very own. But he would just like to share with you his own views. What do you do?
You say hurtful things that he isn't grateful for all that he has received from the moment he was born. You pick on little things and assume the worst of it.
Have you ever stopped to think for a moment, that your child has been listening to you all his life, and that when he stops to speak up against you for something he strongly believes in, he has in fact grown up? He has a mind of his own. He has matured. He, is in fact, the product of your upbringing. He has learnt to not conform to the conventions of society. He, your own flesh and blood, is ready to face the world, with his own views and not crumble and succumb to the mediocrity of society, of which, demands everyone to conform.

Every child is like an unpolished diamond.
How brightly he is going to shine, depends on the technique of your parenting.
And I do hope all parents treasure this unpolished gem.
How good and valuable he eventually becomes, depends on the amount of effort you put into polishing him to be the man he ought to be. Or the woman I'm supposed to be.

Because, I don't understand after all these years, I am still that imperfect child you'll always have.
You teach me to be appreciative of all the good things I have been given by you.
But have you taught yourself to appreciate me as the best daughter you would have never traded anything for? Maybe not. I tell you how contented I am with everything in my life. I make do with the ups and downs the family endures.
I haven't heard a single thing about how appreciative you are as a parent that I make one less worry for you by striving to be the best in my studies, the best in the sports I pursue, the best as a person in this society. I develop my very Self with whatever free time I have on my hand, to lessen your burden as a parent. I save you the trouble of learning about parenting. I parent myself and develop myself. I teach myself values. I form my beliefs. I am objective.

What about you? Have you put in the effort to be a better parent?

I know I have strived to be the better child you desire. And to me, that's more important than anything.
Like you, I just need you to be appreciative of that, and that sometimes I might fall short of your exceedingly high expectations.
But unlike me, you have been unforgiving. Looking on the brighter side, because of your exceedingly high expectations, I have learnt to accept nothing but the best from myself.

Regardless, all my effort and hardwork to be a better child are instantly wiped out the second I make a moment of folly.

I wished you remember that we're just humans, regardless of the difference in positions.

If only you knew.

Granny

2012-02-20T13:59:00.000+08:00

To many, grandparents are the norm.

I have not had any grandparents since. Even if I did have, with the most recently deceased one, I barely had any of a relationship except that of a grand-daughter, grand-mother one. It stayed there.

Last night as I went over to visit my self-adopted granny, aka Chanel's granny, whom I have so affectionally called ah-ma since I known her, I was touched by many little acts of hers.

The immediate joy radiating from her could be seen so obviously as I stepped through the main door. I didn't know I could bring so much joy. We'd engaged in little talks. Even though it was way past the Chinese New Year, she went into her room and came out with a red packet for me. To top it off, she said she'd been waiting for me to come and had been saving it for me. She wished me good health and to continuously improve in my studies. Ever smiling, all I could manage was a tad of embarrassment because I haven't got oranges to wish her good health.

She got excited about her miniature bananas that she had bought from the market. And then as she offered me some goodies to snack on, I said I had an ulcer. Without a word, she came back with some medicated powder to apply onto my ulcer. I was beyond touched.
Old people will always be old people. But I've never met someone as adorable, lovable, mild and docile as her.

She's the epitome of the best grandma anyone could have asked for, even if she's not my biological one.

Do you remember?

2012-02-17T21:22:00.002+08:00

The conventionality of memories is where they fade slowly with time. A wonder why mine has quite erratic recollections of it. A random memory throws itself out from the sea of memories, standing out there bare, as if commanding me to remember its stark details.

It was such a random moment when it happened. And then, I started feeling the rush of emotions. It overwhelmed my heart. I almost felt like I could just let tears fall. And why is it that only now that I felt the gravity of the whole episode. Almost as if there was a lagged response from my whole system.

I thought of the long night where we sat in silence. I thought of the times I'd smile at your smile. I thought of your gloomy face. I thought of myself doing things I'd never thought I'd do. I thought of the long phone conversation. I thought about the concern I initially felt from you. I thought about myself diving into an abyss. You got caught in the wayward branches midway. I continued falling. I thought I was flying up higher, but I realised I had my vision turned the other way. I had been falling all along.

Sometimes I question myself what all that was about.

There were many happy times. At that time, I read a particular note that felt so surreal.

Reading it again now, it feels real. No, it is real.

When two people meet, they become engaged in their own world. Life suddenly didn't seem so mundane. Happy times flew by. And suddenly, one person stopped making the effort. That person, would perhaps be me. Quite like going down the slope, it started tumbling from there. Conversations lessen. From animated meaningful discussions, it mellowed to mere exchanges. Finally it came down to occasional politeness. And we've reached the fork end. You have gone your way, and I have gone mine.

I have walked back and retraced the path before the separation of our journey. And I have asked myself over and over. Why did I put myself through that?

When you have a big part of you still left here in my memory, jumping out at me, catching me at the most unexpected of times. I wonder, did I even leave a part of me with you? Or did I just happen to fly by you like the occasional breeze?

The question no longer begs for an answer. Like you, I have turned my back on my own heart.

Do you know that hurt is still hurt, even if my hurt was less than your hurt. I wished at some point that you could, like me, see beyond your own hurt and realised mine as well. Maybe you never did. Maybe I'll never know too.

I only wish that I'd come into your mind occasionally like you do for mine.

Musings on a random day

2012-02-16T23:38:00.004+08:00

After discovering my love for the public transport over these 6 weeks or so, I have also discovered my nonlove for the public transport during peak hours. It's specifically not the trains/buses themselves as modes of transportation that I dislike, but during these peak hours, the ugliest of the human side is revealed. I honestly cannot comprehend the way some people act, regardless of age, ethnicity or race/religion - whatever. For the convenience of themselves, and perhaps additional comfort, people with a lot of space in the middle of buses/trains just refuse to move in and occupy the empty space. I have missed 3 trains consecutively watching sardines packed at the entrances of the doors and empty spaces in the middle of the carriage. It annoys me deeply. I have people shoving me around, pushing me away, bumping into me, without so much a care that I am exiting/entering in the same direction as well. The problem doesn't lie with me, it lies with the impatience of the person who obviously cannot tell that there is such a thing as follow the flow. These are the gripes of the morning/evening rush hours. Sigh.

On a brighter note, I have completed 3 books, fiction and non-fiction since the start of this sem. I like how there is the deadline looming. Yes, I borrow library books. And this urgency to return the books on time make me read them continuously. It keeps me going. On top of that, there is also this intrinsic motivation to want to finish the novels because it's interesting. I have busied myself on the time spent travelling reading at this rate. You see how much you can accomplish spending such waiting times in productive ways. I was just done with Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami. It's one of his darker books about death and insanity. Reading novels take you through a whole experience of emotions along with the author's words you so voraciously read. I couldn't have imagined myself in the character's role, experiencing the death of 2 of his closest friends. I thought of it, and then I couldn't continue. I didn't even know how I would react. The most logical part of me told me that the sanest thing to do is carry on with life. Because death is not the opposite of life but an innate part of life. However, the reality is that no truth can cure the sorrow we feel from losing a loved one. All we can do is see it through to the end and learn something from it, but what we learn will be no help in facing the next sorrow that comes to us without warning.
Oh, looks like this is quite contrary to the start of my second paragraph - it obviously isn't 'on a brighter note'.

After watching the play put up by USP Productions, I can't wait for Tongues - part of the M1 Fringe Festival. It's a good reward for my consistent studying for Genes and Society. I really want to do well in a Science that I haven't touched before. It's extremely rewarding to understand something on a fresh clean slate. My Physics and Chemistry have pretty much been screwed by the years of misunderstandings and unknowings. I like words. Maybe that's why Biology appealed to my curiosity.

I hope you like words too. Because this is a wordy post.

And, I figured, men are pretty much like women. They form cliques. They move as one. They can't function without the others. They talk about their interests. It's fun being in a clique of guys and girls respectively. I learn a lot on how people function in groups. And I learn a lot about myself functioning alone when I'm without a company. I like the independence and the dependence. Too bad, the commitment to having the best of both worlds means I am a master of none. But that only means that people can survive with the adequate social interactions, and still have the courage to embrace the true person within.

Valentine's Day felt like any other day when I was at home. The moment I went into public spaces, it threw me off. I felt embarrassed for all the flowers/bears/gifts that guys and girls were holding. Weird feeling. But I feel embarrassed because it's... weirdly embarrassing. I'm not the most romantic person, but I am romantic enough to appreciate the idea of romance, but this particular expression of romance is quite the childish/turn off way for me. Weird feelings stirring within. Don't know why. I remembered holding my own bouquet of roses. It felt weird. Conformations of society.

I received chocolates, a rose and a self-baked brownie. I love how thoughtful some people can be. I appreciate these little things - the thought that goes into it rather than the actual gifts themselves. And I haven't been the most giving of all people. Why oh why. Maybe I'm innately individualistic and selfish. You know how some people say they don't mind not receiving because they don't give out anything? But it feels good receiving something, as much you anyone would like to deny. It's time to start giving, friend. I shall start investing in creating special relationships, where you feel special being with me. No motives. Just the special season of Jac for special people like you.

KTV

2012-02-12T20:58:00.001+08:00

Really. Craving. For. It.
But hearing his voice, is enough to delay gratification.

A tourist

2012-02-09T23:55:00.002+08:00

On an impromptu visit to the Buddha Tooth Relic Temple and Museum today. I wasn't dressed very appropriately because I came right after school and was in shorts so they provided some cloth to cover up. Felt like an Indian with the wrapped legs. Now I know how it feels to walk in it, it's really restrictive.

I will not give a detailed post about the museum and the temple, but if you're interested in these sort of stuffs, I assure you, the place is not like your typical smoky, dilapidated temple. It's air-conditioned and very well renovated, almost like walking in your National Museum, except Buddhist-style. Well, that's because it's new. It's only two years old. I have seriously always wondered how ordinary people gain enlightenment, to want to be ordained, to want to go through the rite of attaining this enlightenment, through and through. Many of the venerables were ordained at about my current age now. Honestly, at this age, why in the world would I be thinking of such worldly views? I cannot fathom. I think these people who pursue this goal in life, somehow has already been special, probably influenced from family upbringing or, let's bring it further, to those who wasn't exposed from young, but came to know about it due to the years of knowledge. That amazes me. And maybe it's because I cannot picture myself seeking this path.

The deepest impression I had were two things:

The relic chamber. What is a relic? Buddhists believed that relics are a physical form in which they are able to pay respects to Buddha, and to know that his teachings, and even he, had been real. They are a crystallised form of the physical form after cremation. So the relic chamber had displays of relics of tongue/blood/eyes etc the different body parts. It was quite an experience. But what got me thinking was, how do they separate the different parts altogether when the body is being cremated? I remember back in 1996 as I stood at the crematorium watching my grandmother being cremated through the huge glass panel. I could almost feel the heat. There were nothing but ashes. How did they piece different parts of the ashes or even differentiate them?

The other thing.. or rather, a paragraph that I will leave with you today:

Tasting the flavour of solitude
and the nectar of peace,
those who drink the joy
that is the essence of reality
abide free from fear of evil.
It is always a pleasure
not to have to encounter fools.
It is always good to see noble beings
and a delight to live with them.

It wasn't the exact same paragraphs at the Museum, it was simplified to this:

Living in a life of solitude, is better than spending it in the company of fools.

It had me pondering over my altered mentality this year. I had probably subconsciously got tired of chasing after the fake me to be in the company of fools.
Honestly? It's quite a lone journey, but upon seeing that today, it somewhat justified the solitude I've put myself in.

Somehow I really do believe that we just have an untapped reservoir of knowledge within us. How much we come to embrace it depends on how often we stop to question ourselves why we do what we do.

Serendipity

2012-02-05T00:51:00.001+08:00

A moment like that happened. I have met quite the most talented people in Singapore at the same time in the same place. Little did I know how well known they are in the scene in Singapore.

Presenting...

Credits

Keith Png & Clarence Lee.

Just to put things into perspective, as quoted by Xiaxue "Love this awesome photo of Keith and Clarence (Lee, who is the best make up artist in sg). If you are lucky enough to know the two of them together they have the power to make you look fucking gorgeous!!! LOLOL"

It's not every day that you get moments like these. Ordinary people, with extraordinary talents.

And my point? Like the talented violinist who played on the train on an ordinary day, with ordinary clothes, no one stopped to admire him, but when he had a performance, it was sold out; there are many talents around in Singapore too.

Still clueless? Keith is the best fashion designer in Singapore and Clarence is the best make up artist in Singapore. So you get the idea why Xiaxue made that statement.

And the real point I'm saying here?
Sometimes good things come to you, when you don't seek for it.

Hard work

2012-02-02T21:18:00.002+08:00

It took me a good 19 years of existence to understand the true meaning of hard work.

I thought I had been doing hard work. I just felt a breakthrough in my studies. It's so subtle. But the effect is overwhelming. It's tiring to upkeep the pace, there were times I felt like going with the flow, knowing some, oblivious to others. It was okay to gloss over the hard parts when I felt like I didn't understand. Effort. I didn't give it all.

Now, I try my best to understand the hard stuffs. I face it. I imagine the neurons making stronger connections as I keep making an effort to understand something that seemed so ancient. And the more I expose myself to the difficult and mysterious stuffs that I couldn't understand, the more I felt like things are falling into place. Almost like I have many eureka! moments when I make myself read it for the 4th time. I suddenly understand it. I know it's not "suddenly". It took me so much effort to understand the concepts. I think I might have found out why some people can score so well, and some mediocre.

Because, like every other thing in life, the best persevere till the very end, to make a difference. The rest come 10,000 miles, only to turn back at the last 10 steps.

I'm consistently walking the 10,000 miles the whole of my life, thinking I have put in a lot of effort, giving all my best. But subconsciously, I have been turning back at the last 10 steps whenever I face the most difficult part. And I lie to myself, by justifying with the power of reason that it was perfectly okay to turn back at those last steps.

This sem? I will walk the last 10 steps. I hope you do too.

Reason why I'm still single

2012-01-31T14:30:00.004+08:00

Perhaps the most important aspect of waiting is that you’ll know what your goals and values really are, says Paul Coleman, PsyD, author of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Intimacy. While you don’t want to marry someone just like you, marriage is a lot easier if you two share a similar outlook on life.

Twenty-four and already married to the man of your dreams? Don’t worry: Many young marriages survive. But given the choice, you might consider putting off the big day until your mid-20s or later.

Credits

This is probably one of the most dominant thoughts in my head. The wonder of why some people can dive into relationships one after another. While some take a while before committing to the next again. I belong to the latter group. Yet, this doesn't necessarily mean a slow recovery process from the previous relationship. It's waiting. Waiting for my own goals and values to be cemented, and finding someone else who has similar values in life. The wait is definitely worth it, than going in for a kill just because you're merely lonely.

Companionship can be found in friendship. Loneliness is the top most reason many people dive into their relationship, only to find out that there are many things that they couldn't see eye-to-eye. Why go through the process only to know the harsh outcome? Feelings are not meant to be played like that.

Falling in love is irrational. It's staying in love that's rational, because you need to understand the flaws and strengths, and still love the person. Like how you commit to your family. It's an undying tie. You don't just suddenly wake up one day and say, "I feel like I don't love you anymore". It requires effort. It's not magic that couples stay in love for a long time.

This is like a self justification of why I am still single. Because I'm waiting. Not for the right guy to sweep me off my feet, but for myself to re-adjust my overwhelmingly high expectations. Which is a tough journey, because being more educated makes the expectations just go up exponentially. There'll be a group of people who'd advise me it's counter-productive to my love life. I know. But how do you expect me to lower these expectations when the expectations of myself, are exceedingly high, as well.

An excerpt of where I think my motivation lies...

"It is one thing to believe in a nice old God who will take care of us from a lofty position of power which we ourselves could never begin to attain. It is quite another to believe in a God who has it in mind for us precisely that we should attain His position, His power, His wisdom, His identity. Were we to believe it possible for man to become God, this belief by its very nature would place upon us an obligation to attempt to attain the possible. But we do not want this obligation. We don't want to have to work that hard. We don't want God's responsibility. We don't want the responsibility of having to think all the time. As long as we believe that godhood is an impossible attainment for ourselves, we don't have to worry about our spiritual growth, we don't have to push ourselves to higher and higher levels of consciousness and loving activity; we can relax and just be human.

If God's in his heaven and we're down here, and never the twain shall meet, we can let Him have all the responsibility for evolution and the directorship of the universe.

The idea that God is actively nurturing us so that we might grow up to be like Him brings us face to face, with our own laziness."

Something about this will lead me to my next topic about effort & hard work in another aspect.

男人心痛的感觉

2012-01-22T02:13:00.003+08:00

女：我要的是你给不了的。

男：你跟我讲，你要我做什么？我可以为你改变。我愿意什么都为你。

There's some truth in the dramatic cliche exchange. Many times, it's the failure to meet expectations. A mismatch. Sometimes downright unlucky in meeting the wrong person and falling for the wrong person.

I don't even know the point of this post.

Except, I feel for the guy. And sometimes the role can be switched too. You know?

It's always this that I'm most afraid to feel. A whole mess of intangibles beyond control. I rather save the trouble sometimes.

心痛不如不痛。不爱就不痛。

There's no in between. Friends, lovers. You can't hang in between these two and pretend life is happy. It's tiring, right? The place of no-place. Hanging in limbo.

爱而已吗，有这样特别吗？ That's how I lie to myself that all I need is myself.

At this rate, my skepticism will start cementing the walls I have built around myself.

Perceptions of the University life

2012-01-20T23:26:00.000+08:00

Taking away some of the privileges in life, I am surprised at my own sensibility and adaptability in adjusting myself to live humbly. The best part is, while introspecting, I'd realised I have even found some optimism in the situation. To many, taking the public transport has become a part of life. It has been a part of my life since Secondary school as well. Only that, I'd be blessed with much ferrying about by my mom because she reckoned she could do anything just to make us feel a bit more comfortable than we already are. So I'd sailed through 4 years taking the bus, then another 2 years taking the bus, while witnessing my brother having a car to call his own. I vaguely remember a promise that I would somehow have my own cute little lady car to drive if I do get into University. That was then.

After gaining admission into University, I have acquired my own driving license. But not a vehicle to call my own. How many lucky children really get to drive their own cars to school, seriously? Each time I stepped into my mom's car, I would think of how grateful I am to be behind the wheel, at this age, especially. I couldn't fathom a car of my own at this age, honestly, as much as it would make life more luxurious and comfortable than it already has been for me.

With a turn of events, I stopped driving to school for this semester. I secretly enjoyed having some personal time to catch up on leisure reading while taking the train. The good 7 minutes walk to and fro the station, I pictured building a good stamina for climbing. Honestly, I think I'm crazy to find something good in everything that I do. I enjoyed not having to deal with traffic. Because I always believed in not worrying about something I didn't have control over. And, I didn't have control over the traffic. But it often made me late. Driving to school was supposed to save time, increase efficiency you know. But it has backfired. I'm glad I'm not driving this sem. I'm glad to strip away all the nonsense teasing I get from driving to school. I'm quite tired. I'm not that special. I'm not spoilt. I still function equally well with more simplicity in life.

As my mom was watching a random show on television, she remarked about simple people caring about siblings and having true concern for each other. She pictured building a stable financial foundation for us, and our cousins, and that we would grow up and build our own corporate paradise as a large family. Such huge dreams and big shoes to fill. She used to often talk about my coldness and nonchalance as I became more educated. I couldn't see the reason why she'd think that way. As if education would make a person's moral values disappear gradually. She said the more educated a person becomes, the more selfish he would be. And she was seeing that in me. I was obviously feeling that it was a very absurd and unreasonable perception she had of me.

But then, over these past months of being in where the real higher education is, I start feeling and seeing so much more. I start understanding. I felt for myself the reason why she made that comment. It was all over, all around. Even if I told myself to believe in the good side, it was there. Face value. A fact. You didn't have to analyse it, nor think critically about the matter. It was everywhere, in everyone. Something about higher education and the transformational process we all go through.

I have always been particularly annoyed with peers who die also refuse to let others know their marks. I bitch about it, and then forget about it. It's innate in everyone of us to compare. The theory of relativity. The whole bell curve system? That's the essence of relativity. Aside from my pet peeve - people and their mysterious CAP scores, I have been on this arduous journey in seeking sincere people out of this sea of talent. Everyone around me is brimming with intelligence. Intellectual stimulating conversations become a norm. But it's been so hard, finding someone simple, sincere and down-to-earth. Everyone we meet is internally judged in our system of how useful this person is to our own selfish needs.
I am reminded of how my mom always remind me to not despise people without education, because education kills the humanity in us. I believe she is referring to this right now. Where I am right now, in this place of official higher education, all of us have regressed in our personal education.

I am disappointed.

I came to University to seek clarity and purpose, to strive in higher goals. To find my own calling.
Not to a place of selfish people, seeking every mean, to put someone below, just to be higher. Everyone becomes quantifiable by their CAP score, somehow. So much so that the content of character is directly proportional to this particular score. Every thing and every one is talking about is competition. In climbing, in studying. Everything.

It's not competition I seek.

It's fulfillment. It's betterment. Sometimes I wonder, where do we go from here? After good grades, after more money, then what?
We have lost ourselves.

I don't want to lose myself in this journey of higher education.
I'd gladly sacrifice some CAP 5 to retain this humanity in me, in all earnestness of bumping into another sincere person who thinks likewise. I still have some positivity. It's not that bleak, maybe it'll get better, or worse, I can't say for sure. But I do know for sure, that if I were given a chance to strip away everything in life right now? The first thing I'd screw, is results. Because it makes us forget that we were born to love and care for others, regardless of money. Suddenly the Civics and Moral Education we had in Primary school seems more applicable in University.

Think Different

2012-01-10T21:29:00.001+08:00

I've always tried to think big. Literally. Putting myself on top of everything. Feeling the best I can be. It may not mean putting others down. But I see myself moving up. Always on top of the whole schema of things.

I came across something that inspired a little change in the mindset. Thinking big, sometimes may not necessarily bring you far. It's thinking different, that makes you the outlier. Everyone thinks big. Everyone has gone on the increasingly fast treadmill. But how many actually dares to step off the treadmill? In Physics, the person has achieved zero displacement. The track moves, but the machine stays. The person runs, but the person, has in fact, not moved to a new place.

Stagnation.

One by one, we all hop onto the treadmill, increasing the speeds, showing off the vitality of youth, the agility in the legs, the fitness of an athlete.

If we were all given the same set of tools again, what would you create?

I cannot even let my imagination run. I've lost my creativity. I don't know how else to re-create. Why try seeking for something different without even knowing the boundaries of 'different'? It's precisely because of that, that we always take a step back again, back onto the treadmill. No matter how tiresome, we step back and continue on it, because at least we know, we'll never veer off into the unknown.

Biscuits

2012-01-08T23:52:00.002+08:00

I feel a bit like you. Giving without returns. But somehow, conscience hurts a bit when reciprocation falls much shorter than even the basic requirements. I seriously lol-ed at myself for the illogical behaviour I don't usually have. I don't know how to even go about describing that feeling. That you ought to know better than that, yet, you just can't help yourself. And then you followed your heart. And then you felt hurt. I think this is being honest with oneself. Sometimes truth in reality does hurt. But we must not avoid seeking truth. I think if I replayed the whole scenario again, and knowing how the dots connect in the end, I would still do likewise. I guess that's the complexity of human emotions.

I was just thrown off guard. But I'll pick myself up again. There's a better tomorrow.

Post Gravical 2012

2012-01-07T21:26:00.002+08:00

Honestly, the open women climbers made it look so easy. My stand still holds strong that I haven't reached their level yet, and I'm glad I'm still staying in this category. Actually today's routes felt as if they were a repeat of Pumpfest 2009 when the intermediate women category a bit failed or performed under Tonde's expectations. It could be because the girls really aren't up to par yet. I guess the girls really have a long way to go before reaching international standards, plus, not many as compared to the men, are as dedicated to hardcore training. I dare say for myself I ain't obsessed yet. Just passionate, not obsessed.

Feelings? I felt strong. I felt confident. But the wall threw me off. It cut me. It wounded me. It pumped me out so hard. I admit I didn't have a good start. First the announcer said we had 5 minutes before the commencement of the first detail of climbers. So we made our way to the wall. Before 30 seconds were up, suddenly, the announcer said we only had 1 minute left. I think it screwed my mind up because I haven't mentally psyched myself and planned the routes yet. Basically fumbling with wearing the tight Scarpas just in time to run into the grounds. Sigh. I didn't even have time for a pep talk to myself, or the rest of the girls. To me, the mental is so much so much more important than the physical performance on that day. It's my strongest aspect, and I didn't have the opportunity to fully exploit it. We all learn right? Through the hard way. The ever optimistic me is already looking forward to Boulderactive 2012. And, heh, Climb X.

Content

2012-01-06T15:37:00.000+08:00

The new school term beckons in a couple of days time. I spent some time these few days, idling about, counting my blessings, and making mental notes of how I would like to be for the new semester.
On top of that, I had some re-runs of the things I've done and smile to myself because I'd been silly. The process of growing occurs so fast that I'd been able to reflect and take a step back, giving the whole thing an overview, only to realise the naivety of my previous self, within such a short period of time.

You know, if we'd this mindset that every new month is like a new year, we'd be so charged throughout the year to start afresh, to remember our little goals, to remember to hang in there, and achieve what we'd set out to do. We start the year all determined to be the perfect goal-driven person, but end up on a downward slippery slope of a lack of enthusiasm and major procrastination as the year cumulates. And at the end of the year, we realised we haven't really achieved what we'd intended to. Sloppy attitude.

I've gotta readjust some of my priorities with school activities. Poking my hand into many things only divert the finite amount of attention I have. No more working part time and no more taking part in case competitions. With Boulderactive 2012 and renovation of the new place, I think it'd just be perfect to complement my studies.

We'd started some shopping for the interior decoration of the place. The 6 months will fly by. I'm hanging in between modern and european theme. Although there's still time, I ought to go about getting some inspiration and ideas. Not exactly the most creative person, I still hope to create another paradise of my own.

What's there to complain about in life when we're kept productive and busy? And amongst all these, I still devote that little time to improve on myself. It has got nothing to do with anyone. I just like to be a better person. I don't expect the world to become a better place, nor expect people to become nice overnight. I just need myself to not stay stagnant.
Which, I think is a blessing in disguise that I've not renewed my season parking for the new school term. Because I will spend those pockets of time travelling, reading for such knowledge.

Dream Catalogue

2012-01-04T16:04:00.004+08:00

It's not frequent that I remember my dreams, yet there are 2 dreams fresh in my mind even after I'm back to my conscious state.

The dream that I had when I was sleeping last night was a really scary near-death experience. I was with someone whom I don't remember, and we were apparently in a construction ground. Suddenly a huge crane came towards us from high up above, with razors at the end. I remember ducking to the ground, bracing myself for death. The seconds slipped by, the sounds were extremely close, yet nothing happened. I was still alive. I woke up. I've never had such dreams before. The feeling of death felt so close.

Just now as I was taking an afternoon nap, which I seldom do also, I had a dream that happened in a movie theatre. I had apparently booked 2 tickets for myself and another person. Then, when it was time for the movie, Nel and Nah turned up and joined me without even paying for the tickets. While the other person I booked the ticket for, didn't. I kept thinking to myself, did I not mention the movie and its timing? Why isn't the person here? Why? Maybe I most likely didn't. Sigh. And I woke up.

I have a feeling these dreams will stay in my mind for a pretty long while seeing that I still haven't forgotten them till now. When dreams happen, they happen at such rapid intervals. When they don't, they stay dormant for a long while.

Above the usual

2012-01-03T13:37:00.003+08:00

For the short 20 minutes airbone, I felt like I was in a place faraway. A place where reality fuzzes out and dreams take its place. Between the fluff and you, was simply a little glass window. You could almost reach out your hand to touch it. But knowing science, even if there wasn't a little glass window that divides dreams from reality, your hand would just flow right through it, almost as if it didn't exist. Simple sights created by nature takes my breath away, especially when I least expect it to. Just a plane ride, and I felt like I was being transported into another world.

We indulge in movies particularly, to take us into another world. The escapist in us showing itself time to time in the books we read and in the movies we grace. I never had that side to me. Or perhaps, I never see myself to be one.

But just this holiday season, I wished for myself to be away in another world, with nothing else and no one else, but the majestic nature and its sounds.

2012

2011-12-29T01:40:00.001+08:00

I will take up this challenge for the next 30 days of the new year that's arriving.

Let go of one relationship that constantly hurts you. – Keep people in your life who truly love you, motivate you, encourage you, enhance you, and make you happy. If you know people who do none of these things, let them go and make room for new positive relationships. Over the next 30 days, if relevant to your situation, gradually let go of one person in your life who has been continuously hurting you and holding you back.

I'll link the source if you're curious about this.

Words are easy, and I know it's hard. But I've finally found the reason to let go.

Christmas dinner

2011-12-27T00:18:00.003+08:00

My mom and I initially wanted to have a buffet dinner and I cleverly suggested Rise at MBS. When we arrived there at 6.30p.m, we were told they'd ran out of seats and would only have available seats at 9p.m! Incredible. We walked around aimlessly around The Shoppes, with my mom clearly disappointed because she wanted a buffet dinner for the whole night to stuff herself silly but slowly. Alas, we came across this restaurant, Yu Cuisine, serving Chinese cuisine and she decided she wouldn't mind. Since I always bug her to eat either French or Italian at MBS, I decided to give Chinese cuisine a try.

Drunken prawns

Xiao long bao in lobster bisque

Lobster steamed in yellow wine

After the simple dinner made up of just prawns and lobsters, we were satiated. Walked around The Shoppes without any aim, just to digest the full stomachs. Came out of the mall, and the grand city lights greeted us. The whole night sky filled with skyscrapers; the pride of Singapore.
The floating Louis Vuitton caught my eye, I mean, duh, who wouldn't see the huge-ass building by itself on the waters? Decided to act attas and go in. Well, the both of us were pretty well dressed anyway when we stepped in because I saw a lot of Singaporeans decked in slippers in the outlet. Sigh.

My mom apparently went a bit bonkers, suggesting we buy shades. She was so enthusiastic about it. S$600-700 for a pair of shades, seriously? Lao niang haven't felt like money dropped from sky yet.
When we were at the entrance of LV heading back into The Shoppes, they had a lot of collections of various books. We literally spent a good half hour flipping through the architecture and interior collections. Haha, what cheapos.

My high metabolism steered my body to walk in the direction for more food, or desserts. We went into High Society. I wanted to try their cupcakes, for the sake of comparing with Pammy's. But I couldn't bring myself to pay S$6 for just one when I know the ingredients and cost in making one. Damn. Thinking back, maybe I should have just tried. I mean, hi Pam, the lemon cupcake was literally screaming at me "BUY MEEEE EAT MEEEE!" but I had good control. In the end, settled for a glass of white wine, and a slice of cake with 66% dark chocolate and hazelnut that costs $9. See, I should have bought cupcakes too right? Since I was splurging on food anyway.

I realised that the French and Italians, to me, have a secret charm. That bit of elusiveness, mysteriousness and almost like a cut above the rest. I want to learn more about their language, their way of life. Just to close the gap. Reminds me of a moment when I was dining at an Italian restaurant at Robertson Quay, and the waiter, an Italian guy, was so interested in me and even asked for my number. He even had long hair and it was tied up neatly. I think that would have driven many girls crazy. But sadly, I'm not part of that gang. He even gave me a house pour white wine ON DA HOUSE yo. How lucky. And that was like... 3 years back? Lol. My xmm charm. Oh ya so what was I talking before I was indulging in myself?

Seriously, I can't believe the year is over. Singlehood beckons, every year.

Just a little bit

2011-12-25T00:40:00.002+08:00

Hurt.

Have a merry merry christmas!

Have I mentioned? My all time favourite christmas song is Last Christmas by Wham.

And you know why, because every year I wish for the same special thing. But only this happens:
I gave you my heart, but the very next day, you gave it away.

I laughed at myself in naivety. Sometimes I can't help myself from caring too much. Oh dear.

It's just another special day. New year will be likewise. CNY will be another time again. Aye aye aye.

We bought a zoo

2011-12-23T01:08:00.002+08:00

That's the movie Pam and I caught today.

My plan was to grace the grand opening of GV at 112 Katong. But I was pretty disappointed at how there's no special celebration of sorts to commemorate the opening. Lousy marketing. I think GV could have done way more to gather the crowds, especially when a lot of working adults are clearing their leave during the festive period, I'm definitely sure their theatres would be full if they'd took the opportunity to market their opening with more events tied together. Think of adults, students, kids and senior citizens, all free during this period!

Anyhow, I like to rant to Pam about how people who live in Katong are either too rich or have too much time. Because when we go 112, either of us would be driving, and then, there would be a lot, i swear, a lot, of parents bringing their kids to the mall, in big luxurious cars, at random times of a week day when they should be working. No need work one meh??? Then, you might be thinking, it's a taitai, no need to work, so can bring kids out. But no, it's a WHOLE family outing. Wonder who's bringing in the dough? Amazing rich families hiding around in Katong area I swear.

Back to the movie. It had a simple storyline about a dad bringing up 2 kids on his own after his wife's passing. Coping with loss, and raising a teenage son can be taxing for a dad. It was touching. Pam cried uncontrollably.

I had a random flashback to my childhood. I realised I grew up without much material items or toys. The only one luxury both my brother and I had was our Playstation and limited Lego. We didn't have boxes and boxes of Lego. Just 2 sets, which I've kept till now. I remember how I was crazy over Beyblades and Tamiya cars and my dad would lie to me. Lie, because I know that it's not possible. I guess it was a white lie. But why lie? When I pestered for a car, just a car, to bring to race at the tracks, he would say he can build one for me. When I wanted the tracks, he said he could buy the metal and make it for me. Sigh. Lies that adults can come up with. I was always hoping to be able to build the biggest track ever for my non-existent Tamiya cars.

But thanks to his un-spoiling ways of bringing us up, we spent most of our childhood playing with whatever we could find. I was pretty creative then, and made my own kite from cardboard and thread. I used all of the thread at home and brought my kite out of the house. I remembered I started running, against the wind, and slowly letting my home-made kite go. It started flying, and as it flew, it got higher and higher. That kind of joy cannot be bought with money. The tugging of the thread as the kite got higher, so high that I ran out of thread and the kite was still high up in the sky. That gave me so much satisfaction as a kid. I was practically using all my strength to hold the kite down because of the strong winds. And I begged my brother to make another kite with me, this time, bigger, and with a much longer thread. But he refused.

Then, when the computer craze started, we had one too. Throughout my computer years, I remember building my own CPU after it consistently crashed. The power adaptor would fail, then I would rummage through the spare parts and fix another one, then to make it run faster, I would add more RAM. That's where I got hands on opening up the whole CPU and figuring what goes where. Lucky for his un-spoiling ways again, I became more tech savvy than more girls I know would be.

Sometimes, not being too rich or too poor, can be a blessing in disguise.

Living in satisfaction, sometimes feeling that life can be hard, makes me appreciate the good life I have at other times.

You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.
A quote straight out from the movie. A principle that has guided his life through many many years.

Pot of belly

2011-12-21T11:57:00.000+08:00

What was supposed to be a dinner night out at the year end turned into a food spree to various places and finally concluded to be a christmas celebration for us, PTJR. I will just conveniently leave out the C cos'... you know, i know, we all know. ;p

Pam baked really nice butter cookies with a smear of chocolate on em'. I'd wanted to take a dirty picture of it but no more left. Oops. We had swedish food for dinner at Haji Lane and it was goood. I wondered why when I woke up this morning, the images of those food were the first to appear in my mind. The pasta bake and meatballs were super good!

Next we proceeded to have some ice cream at Island Creamery. As if it wasn't enough, we walked further down after the ice cream to have some cupcakes at Cupcakes Engineer. The shop had a really cool interior.

Now, you might probably think the night ends here. But, thinking it was still too early, we continued to Holland Village. Pam's virgin trip there. We went to Overtime to get some drinks. And lucky us, there was a live band! The Starker beer was pretty good, my type of beer, not gassy or bitter. I couldn't help myself but be amused at the singer who was a bit plump and showed off one side of her shoulders. So cute! She had quite an impish face as well. Adorable. I'm not being sarcastic but it was really damn cute with the one side show of the shoulders. Hehehe. And her voice was good. The keyboardist whom Ruby thinks look like Mas Selamat also had a deep low voice for classic guy songs. Think the likes of Ronan Keating.

I had too much beer, and it was my first time getting tipsy on beer. Hahahaha. Too bad, I'm still logical and sane. Unlike Tan, prancing around talking nonsense.

What a food spree. We pigs unite!

Back to December

2011-12-18T00:46:00.000+08:00

I've had a really good rejuvenating trip away from all the hustle and bustle in Singapore. For the premium that we've paid, I think it was really worth it. I'll worry about earning that back again in time to come. I was fortunate to find a book to keep myself entertained from the 3rd day onwards at the guest house in Chiangmai. Love how tourists put up those books to share. That's the way knowledge should be right, pass it on. The book is called "Journey Without Goal: The Tantric Wisdom of the Buddha". It was such a complimenting experience to the way I pictured myself relaxing and disconnecting from the world back here. Although I felt myself going into a different world altogether every night when I read a few chapters just before I slept, I felt more surreal in the place, immersing myself fully in a totally different environment and adapting to it very quickly.

Spiritually, I feel more wholesome. It was a really well deserved break. The reconnection with nature and its sounds remind me of the peace that I've been seeking in some of the zen books I've been reading back in Singapore. As if I'm trying to achieve the state of still water... occasionally creating ripples when thrown with stones and pebbles and settling back to the still state again after a while. Similar to the calmness despite troubles, worries and criticisms. I really appreciate the beauty of nature, with the majestic strong currents created by waterfalls, the coolness of the high altitude, and the beautiful plantations created by pure hard work and the efforts of the villagers living up in the mountains. I'm blessed to be able to deepen my insights as I pay attention to the country, the culture and its people with their various practices. Soaking everything like a sponge... I wished I had more knowledge to appreciate the place even more.

My favourite picture from the trip!

As I return to Singapore, back to the month of December, I was reminded of the epic dramas I've experienced with Nel during this very same period last year. And how quickly time has just flown by... and we've yet again grown up with those experiences. Office & its politics didn't break me, it just made me stronger. Although I wouldn't want to be in the eye of the tornado again, I'm glad to have experienced that to grow up with a greater sense of maturity, to know the realness of the world.

December used to be a season of love for me. I thought it was the mood for love. But it's been pretty much the season of giving these recent years. Ah, overrated-ness. I think my life's changing quite a bit.

我宁愿回到一个人生活

As if this particular song with its lyrics speaking my innermost thoughts, deep down even without me knowing.Startlingly real.

Catalog

2011-11-30T00:24:00.001+08:00

I have an unhealthy desire for answers where they can’t be found.

Music may be a carrier for our memories, a harbor for our deepest feelings, and a catalyst for the emergence of both.

Deafening Silence

2011-11-29T00:21:00.001+08:00

Words that become a fast blur.
Taking in only the forms,
But not the meaning.
Actually,
Not everything needs a close read.
Even a blur,
Can form music on its own.

Heart-throb

2011-11-25T19:48:00.001+08:00

There is no measure of time with you that is long enough, let's start with forever.

Have I found you
Flightless bird, jealous, weeping or lost you....
Have I found you
Flightless bird, grounded, bleeding or
lost you?

Scents & Attraction

2011-11-21T11:04:00.001+08:00

I had the luxury of time to go through a 4 page article regarding our attraction to others in relation to the natural body scent they are giving off. Ironic with the use of such time when I have a paper coming up in 2 days.

This is by far one of the most detailed article I have read regarding this topic. I vaguely know of the factors that play a part in the attraction I feel towards people. Before I had any idea, I thought I was the only one playing by the nose. And it's a realisation coupled with knowledge that it is actually a natural instinct to sniff out people and determine how attracted we are to whoever they are.

Throughout the article, it's referring to heterosexual couples and their nasal attraction. But I wonder, what about homosexuals? Being of the same sex would translate to more similar MHC genes? And if that's the case, as pointed out by the article, the higher the similarity, the more unattracted we would be to the other party. As distinct as scents might be, people of the same gender would more likely have a more similar set of MHC genes right? Then why the fatal attraction for them? Fatal as in doomed by our social conditions.

Behind the superficiality of deodorants, after-shaves, perfumes & colognes, the best time to whiff the most natural scent someone has is the moment he/she wakes up from a night's sleep. But to get to that stage, you have to be in a close relationship. And then comes the next part of the question, what if you are put off by that natural scent when you are in a close relationship? The emotions will mess up the ability to function by instincts that "he's/she's not the right one for me". Funny how these items are actually driving the sexual aggression by our society. Maybe that's why we are much more impulsive to get physically closer to whom we thought we were attracted to, to determine the suitability of our partners before we actually commit to a marriage.

A lingering thought, that sometimes I look like I'm better off studying psychology. And double degree is damn 凶 for me if I pursued what I'm doing now and up the ante with an arts degree. Shit. Why the pre A levels of me thought everything was achievable, till now when I'm really in it, I feel it. And boy, it's not easy.

The Night Sky

2011-11-20T11:35:00.001+08:00

These two friends of mine made a surprising visit to my new place, fitting into whatever available space there was. Since it was a special occasion, we went out to celebrate whatever there was to it, with a good meal at Paradise Inn. Having the car at my dispense made everything felt so much more grown up. As I turned into the carpark at Big Splash, a sudden pang of adulthood hit me. I came to this very same place just 2 years back, with Wayne and all his friends, and they were all at least 6 years and more, older than I was. Treading this memory lane with Nah and Nel made it seem a bit nostalgic but all the more valuable that we were coming of age, finally. Funny how Nel mentions she'd prefer chilling at a bar with good music and beer rather than clubbing, which I had been preferring since many years back. Wonder why I skipped the whole partying phase together as well.

To many things I'd say 'been there, done that' before some of the peers, but last night's was a first.

The three of us, arms draped over each other, hands linked, heads rested on shoulders, as we stood at the breaking waters of the sea in the night sky. Soaking in the sounds of crashing waves against the shore, staring out into the distance with blinking lights emitted from the ships, purely enjoying each other's company without words.

5 years, a mile stone. Amazing how long I've known these 2 fellas, since I was 13 years old. And I don't know why I was part of the 5 years journey. Hahaha. We've crossed multiple paths, and yet through all the ups and downs, we are back at the same point here. Crossroads and distance, you don't need to have all the same interests and to be in the same schools to treasure friendships.

It transcends that.

Value your self worth

2011-11-18T16:08:00.001+08:00

Nothing grabs my attention as much as works directed and devoted to personal development. The introspective nature of mine has guided me to devouring many works centred around productive living. I feel that it is one aspect that is fully in my control and cannot be taken away no matter how the world changes.

Everything around us is constantly evolving. People are getting smarter, technology keeps driving things forward and there is only that finite amount of knowledge we can store in our minds about certain things. But I have always believed in one thing, that no amount of formal education can replace the education that one intends to have for a life. That education is so much more important, but not emphasized in our hectic lives. That education doesn't use quantitative measures and qualify numbers like Intelligence Quotient does. It is this particular education of growing ourselves internally that thrives the most in all of my devotion to learning.

I don't believe that the smartest person in the world, capable of performing calculations at the speed of light would be the happiest and most contented person unless he learns to develop his inner self as well.

Our education system may be a measure of the success of one's life, in material terms. But how much is ever enough? We are always demanding for more. More money. Faster cars. Bigger houses. More love. More holidays. More this, and more that. It is an undeniable aspect of human nature.

Why are we never content?

The drive to want more is healthy. It would be worrying if one stops having this zest for life. That maybe just having this is enough, or maybe that would suffice. The world would stop progressing. And that's disastrous. We need to keep moving on, we need to keep improving ourselves. But, not at the expense of our happiness.

I have met many capable people around, intelligent, bright, full of wit, athletic, musically-inclined, you name it, I've seen it.

But how many truly happy people have I met in my life? That despite all the troubles and unique wars each and everyone of us faces every single day, he, still radiates like a sunshine.
Rare, it is, really, so rare.

I am still so far off in this journey of personal development... but I like the progress of it. The awareness of knowing what's good and right for the soul. There really isn't a quantifiable measure of how much there is to learn, only the wholeness of the mind and the positivity to regain the balance after a few knocks in life.

There is only so much that people can offer, but true happiness comes from within.

I'm still learning, and I really enjoy devoting time to explore this no matter how busy I am. It keeps me rooted. It keeps me sane. It reminds me to value my self worth. Because... the world can be so crazy sometimes. And amidst this craziness, I can put a smile to my face, knowing that the sun will still shine the next day.

New

2011-11-16T15:12:00.001+08:00

You know what I love best about myself? Knowing that when I open my eyes to a new day, every pain becomes less obvious, less haunting, almost as if it had left itself out in the distance away from me.

It's quite scary how my mind conditions itself to bounce back just like that. Really. Even I am a bit too amazed by how fast it thinks its way out of the maze.

Endless amounts of positivity, wish I could share.

The constant reminder that no matter how much pain I put myself through, it's still down the same path through time, why not make it easier for myself and everyone around me to just be contented, because that's how we all started out to be. We came here with nothing, and we are going to be leaving with nothing. There really isn't much holding on so hard onto something. Coming and going. A way of life.

But making mistakes is part of life's imperfection

Is it so wrong to be human after all?

React or act?

2011-11-16T04:29:00.001+08:00

I am like a cultured plant who gets battered in the rain, and thrives in sunlight when the sun is up. I react so much to external factors, as if I depended on them to shape who I am.

I know I cannot keep reacting to all of these.

I need to start acting for myself.

Sometimes I really pride myself too much on my optimism, but being only human, I cannot carry through. It's so hard... and heavy, along this journey alone.

It's making me weak.
It's hurting me deep.
Boy, I am only human.
I've got my pride, I will not cry.
But I did.

And as I did, I was reminded of what you said, that it hurts so much more for your mom to see you cry because no mom would want to see her daughter cry.

There is really no way in being protected under the wings, because one day, I will have to learn how to fly. I will fall and sometimes it's going to be harder on other days, but I have to learn. And it hurts, and I know why it hurts, because it's the kind of hurt that I've been seeking, and the hurt that my mom has been trying to keep me away from. I'm sorry but this time, I'm on my own.
I need to grow, and hurting so much, is part of growing.

Screen

2011-11-15T14:10:00.001+08:00

Sometimes you have been quite lost in the chase, that stark reminders lurk in the darkness, show itself suddenly, yelling that you should be keeping away. But, they are all just mind games in itself and assumptions of a single party. What should I do?

Tugging the strings of the heart,
sometimes lifting,
sometimes lugging.

Shoving under the rug, resuming studying. Best way to let time pass on its own and avoid matters altogether. Way to go.

Eyes

2011-11-15T12:16:00.001+08:00

I was wondering how much do you give away with just the eyes? Daring to look at a person straight into the eyes conveys a sense of confidence and self esteem of one, yet, mastering the act of doing this and not actually staring requires some form of intuitive experience. On the other side, why would you feel shy looking at the person's eyes of whom you fancy? When you start becoming self conscious more than you want to, when the subconscious part of you takes on auto pilot and shifts the gaze away. It's quite a telling sign that your body is saying yes, as much as your logical mind is denying.
How many times do you catch yourself looking away just as your eyes meet for a split second?

Ah, hate it how I'm so aware of both the conscious and subconscious states of my mind. It's a constant battle in there doing what I should be doing and controlling what my body automatically wants to do. So much subtleties yet I pick them out like a little bug-picker.

Which brings me to my next point. I have had two consecutive peaceful nights without waking up to the itch on my limbs, and when I try to soothe these itches, I meet swelling patches like huge mozzie bites. Gone. All of these, GONE. I am sleeping far too much now, even with the glaring sun's light in my face, I somehow just manage to sleep it through into the noon. Good, and not good. Damn you exams. But it also means my body's recharging far more efficiently.

As I was climbing and doing routes I thought would be my peak, I somehow, managed to do them with some ease. It's a sign. I'm improving. I need to break the mental barrier that I'm not just limited to whatever grade I tell myself that I should be at. Try it on lead. Feels like a breakthrough is coming. I made my first dynamic legs cut loose move on a highwall yesterday. Wonder where I got the balls from. But it's making me smile.

Little nuggets of happiness

2011-11-14T00:11:00.001+08:00

Slowly moving up Maslow's hierarchy of needs as I become more settled into the AMK environment and the convenience of this location.

As you can tell, this little blog here has been revamped. Quite therapeutic for me when I visit it just to soak in the atmosphere. I wished I had more inspiration to pour more writings into this beautiful thing.

I was reading Sumiko's column in The Sunday Times about happiness. I could relate a whole lot about how little things would suffice to making one feel happy. I'm so much happier than I was two days back, when everything was in a mess, and I was in so much of a pain dealing with the itch every night, and the lack of companionship, as if I was going through everything all alone.

That was a chunkful.

Even though the pest control team came and took the place down and soaked it thoroughly with chemical, I still experience some bites. It's pretty torturous to the mind, if it continues, I'm afraid I'm going to start developing other side effects like thinking bugs are crawling even when there are none. There will be a second treatment again a week later. I'm hopeful.

For now, I'm just contented and happy that I have a proper place to study. I feel like I have to do my study table and place justice by doing well in my exams. Thankful for a nice environment even though it's merely a small flat to go by. If not for the bedbugs, actually, a small flat is conducive for a small family to develop stronger bonds.

If I really had more money in future to invest in properties, I would never buy a huge landed property. I have lived from 3000sqft to a mere 700sqft now, and honestly, it's not the bigger the house, the happier I become. Just comfortable living with the right amount of love inside, is all about it to make a happy household.

So much ups and downs in my life, I really treasure things that just flow and go along with little hiccups. Right now? I will be happier without the bugs. Just the bugs. Damn it.

Settled

2011-11-12T21:23:00.001+08:00

You can only be as pathetic as your mind makes it up to be. The world still continues revolving despite all that you're facing.

There were many moments of solitude as I spend them away from home, away from family.

As I spend these moments alone, fighting the devil of emotions with the courage and will of the mind, I know I am growing stronger and tougher inside. Physical fatigue can be erased with sleep. Mental fatigue can be coped with positivity. Emotional fatigue with comfort.

I have been pretty desperate the past week with the shift and bedbug infestation. Help seemed so far away from those I'd expect the most from. Yet again, I've emerged through this wreck, knowing that there are some people you can depend on. Very thankful for having such a great mom to do things all out of the way just to make me feel a little better, appreciative of little gestures from friends offering their accommodations while I roamed around like a soul-less ghost as if the candle almost flickered out on its own.

You know they say, you see the truest of friends in the hardest of times. I have and it has touched my heart and broken it in some ways.

Inner Voice says

2011-11-11T16:33:00.002+08:00

To have realistic expectations - Not a pillar of emotional support.

To be prepared for emotional ups and downs - Normal process of coming to terms with the change in life.

To take it slow - Build up a reserve of comfort, trust and pleasantries. Never turn to emotional dependency.

To have patience - Take each day as it comes and dig into this deep reserve of patience to deal with emotional ups and downs. Act as a pillar of emotional support. Give more than receive.

Ultimately, taking care of yourself first will enable you to care for others.

Start loving the real me, caring for me, being happy for me.

Then start giving, and not expecting returns.

Inside

2011-11-10T23:31:00.004+08:00

The sinking feeling of having your second guesses turning into reality really hit me hard. Even though I'd expected it, you know, humans being humans, we always really don't want it to happen even though at the back of our minds, the thought lingers.

Only 2 nights and he'd started to voice out his displeasure. Sigh. How could you be so heartless?

There's always the easy way out of a relationship, a break up, a divorce. But where's the way out of sibling ties? Why am I constantly at the bad end of it all. I don't understand what I'd done to deserve whatever I am getting now.

You know

2011-11-10T01:21:00.003+08:00

You know you have been very spoilt and sheltered when you take public transport, just like everyone else, you get comments that it's a rarity. You know you can't get used to new environments when all that you find comfort is right now, is really, nothing. You know you are too distracted by all life's events that the arrival of exams in a week's time seem to not trigger any source of anxiety.

"Only if you have been in the deepest valley, can you ever know how magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain"

I really reminisce all the past beautiful houses I have proudly called home once too many times.

Is it really true that 男人你应该去了解他，女人你应该去爱她？

There is no living in now, because every second passes and history is constantly just a second ago. Interesting theory that seems a bit beautiful and quirky.

Ache

2011-11-07T23:12:00.003+08:00

My heart aches so badly. The constricting feeling inside when I withhold all the feelings building up, tears welling up occasionally, but I swallow all of them back down. It's not the right moment to crumble now, the mind's a clutter, along with the physical mess. My world's upside down and I don't feel right.

Even the once comforting bed cannot offer solace for the soul. I need a refuge... but where? I'm hiding so far behind, I can't seem to find it anywhere, at all.

It's such a depressing post. FML for having to take on responsibilities like a man sometimes, really. It's not that I want to be a superwoman, I don't have a choice. I'm too tough outside too soft inside, by circumstances, not by choice.

I just want to be a 小女人. I need to whine, bitch, cry about nothing, truly like a girl but I can't. Sigh.

Closure

2011-11-03T21:05:00.004+08:00

I have finally gone about packing up all my things, which really isn't much. Bits and pieces lying around here and there which I have forgotten all about. Funny how the mind forgets when it wants to...especially when my memory is pretty good at remembering little moments.

I cleared the depths of the drawer and found a necklace made on 11.12.08 and at that moment, I was like "wow, I have absolutely forgotten about this" and it went into another drawer of all the other sentimental things. And while I was digging out my November posts of all the previous years, I chanced upon this one particular post at the last paragraph, and it struck me of how much good things that have happened to me and I have chosen to forget all of those. And it clearly got wiped out of my normally very good memory.

Then again, it's been a closure since and I have healed. I have so many of his things lying around. I should go around to returning them just as I move out. And honestly, I don't know why I don't have the courage to face/talk to him. How to return like that? Of all things that I have been confident, courageous, bold and sometimes fearless about, now I'm shrinking in cowardice when faced with matters of the heart.

As I watch this... and hear the emotions, I realise I still have a long way to go in developing emotions. True, heartfelt, even if heartwrenching but real emotions. I have covered so many literature texts, read so many love stories, analysed too many nuances. And yet, internally, I am really just a green horn in the subject of love.

Responsibility

2011-10-31T23:45:00.005+08:00

Accidentally chanced upon a sermon on "taking responsibility for your life", I got hooked onto Andy Stanley's delivery. Westerners really tend to speak with much more intonation and emphasis that it's quite nice to listen to how they make words come alive. But that's besides the point. The main point here is this message that he was trying to convey.

One idea that stuck with me... is this.

Anytime an individual acts irresponsibly, somebody has to come along to clean up that mess.

Everytime there's a conflict, be it in a family, a community, a relationship, a company, draw a pie. Then draw a slice of the pie in which you think you are responsible for this conflict. Everytime, that slice, is going to be small. We are always focused on how small our slice really is, but really, how much responsibility are we taking? Really. It's not about how much he and she is doing this or that. It's about yourself. Look at yourself. How much can you do to be responsible for this. Stop the blame game. It only creates conflict. Where there's blame, there's often shame. And there's often guilt.

How many times do you hear someone say "It's my fault, I am responsible for what happens." But a minute somebody begins to use blame, do you ever have more respect for someone who blames someone else? Blame is a way to shift responsibility. How good do you actually feel when you have blamed your way out of something?

Start taking responsibility for your life. We were designed to take on responsibilities. We feel good when we are doing well in our responsibilities. Start taking responsibility for your life. Your irresponsibility eventually becomes someone else's responsibility. And we feel worse off. Why do we want that? We derive happiness from being responsible. We take pride in our responsibilities.

Moving

2011-10-30T20:43:00.002+08:00

Be Prepared to Feel Uprooted

You're going to be living in chaos for a while, with boxes everywhere and things feeling out of control. It's normal to be upset when you can't find the spatula or the crockpot; just remember to consult your lists and know that you're organized and on track for this move. You've done the work, and even though there's still more to go, it will get done.
And when you move into your new home, also remember that it'll take a while for this new space to feel like your own. Give it time. Give yourself time to settle in.

And remember to breathe...

Credits

I'm feeling the stress, the louder voices, the shorter spans of patience already. It's going to be very draining. But looking at how Sushi can be so peaceful sleeping on the empty floors allows a tranquil sense of peace to wash over me, like how I love picturing my worries and troubles being washed away when I shower at the end of the day. Therapeutic moments incorporated into my daily life. Thankful for that.

Roses

2011-10-28T23:28:00.003+08:00

When we focus so much on our pursuits that seem so hard and far-reaching, we spiral down into the thorns amongst the bushes, failing to realise, that just right there amongst us together with the thorns, are the fresh red roses awaiting to be admired and appreciated.

I am glad I have stopped myself in this senseless pursuit of mind-boggling studying, to catch up with my inner self and friends who matter.

I do realise the opening of many doors after the closure of some... if I bothered looking out for it.

Events are always happening, the perceptions we have are more important than the events themselves. More so, because we can control how we perceive and react to it, and to focus on the silver lining instead of the loss. I'm so impressed with you Pam, because after so long, I'm not even ready. Two years and more, and I feel like I haven't moved much from point one. Sometimes you guys place me too high on that pedestal of emotional maturity. I am not as great as that. Words are easy, actions aren't.

Sad reality

2011-10-27T01:13:00.003+08:00

I laugh in sad amusement that person A goes after person B and person B doesn't reciprocate but goes after person C and it keeps going on. Somehow, I don't know why there ain't no circle in this endless pursuit.

Positivity

2011-10-26T00:12:00.001+08:00

In an attempt to break the cycle of negativity and weariness I've been feeling these couple of weeks, I dedicated some time to re-read some inspirational books that have been hiding in those dark cupboards untouched for quite some time now. Even the pages have turned yellowish, but the wisdom it contains never mellow with time.

"There is nothing noble about being superior to some other person. True nobility lies in being superior to your former self. If you really want to improve your life and live with all that you deserve, you must run your own race. It doesn't matter what other people say about you. What is important is what you say to yourself. Do not be concerned with the judgement of others as long as you know what you are doing is right. You can do whatever you want as long as it is correct according to your conscience and your heart. Never be ashamed of doing that which is right; decide on what is good and then stick to it. Never get into the petty habit of measuring your self worth against other people's net worth. Every second you spend thinking about somoene else's dreams you take time away from your own."

To combat my fatigue emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually, this very excerpt has been resonating in me ever since:

"You truly cannot afford the luxury of even one negative thought. A worrisome thought is like an embryo: it starts off small but grows and grows. Soon it takes on a life of its own."

Been trying to embrace life's events as the way they are, without judging it with polarity. They are neither good nor bad. They are merely life's experiences to grow, to learn, to enjoy. Forget about the past, fret not about the future, live in the present and focus all the energy on the pursuits of what I really want now. Because if I keep having my sight on the destination, I have one less eye to focus on the journey of getting there.

Lift the spirits

2011-10-25T00:25:00.003+08:00

Your presence is a gift to the world
You're unique and one of a kind.
Your life can be what you want it to be -
Take in one day at a time.

Count your blessings, not your troubles,
And you'll make it through what comes along.
Within you are so many answers,
Understand, have courage, be strong.

Don't put limits on yourself
Your dreams are waiting to be realised.
Don't leave important decisions to chance -
Reach for your peak, your goal, your prize.

Nothing wastes more energy than worrying -
The longer a problem is carried, the heavier it gets.
Don't take things too seriously -
Live a life of serenity, not a life of regrets.

Remember that a little love goes a long way -
Remember that a lot goes forever.
Remember that friendship is a wise investment,
Life's treasures are people... together.

Have health, hope and happiness,
Take the time to wish on a star.
And don't ever forget for even a day...
How very special you are.

Thank you Ash.

Apart

2011-10-23T21:39:00.002+08:00

Even weekends are undeserving enough to take breaks.

I really wished the elastic band I'm pulling on so hard right now won't snap back on me anytime soon.

"I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited

But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it"

Dreams

2011-10-22T23:13:00.005+08:00

"The Cage of Dreams"

They didn't know that by sitting there watching the day go by, their biggest dreams were being trapped between the lines and the reflections...

Credits

You know what's even better than chasing your dreams? It's doing it while holding the hands of the one you love the most. Cliches like that have gotten me reflecting the changes that I've been subconsciously experiencing. It must have been the family upbringing, or that of my mom's in particular. The notion of success at a young age has been drilled into me. I have been designed to succeed in my life. Chasing dreams that I thought were mine... she has so skilfully conditioned my mind to pursue the best that I can be.

I have been hungry for knowledge, hungry for satisfaction and this insatiable appetite has been powered by an insane amount of drive to pursue my goals with slight falters. The accumulation of wealth and possessions, I once thought, would signify a mark of achievement. I thought it gave me satisfaction. And only until recent months... or probably slightly over a year, I have marked changes in the way I pursue things in my life. I have always sought for spiritual fulfillment. Filling up my soul with books of wisdom from an early age, I was contented with my comfortable life.

As I get busier with all my commitments, I have been rethinking the priorities in my life. Why have I, like everyone else, been sucked into this rat race of life? Of pursuing monetary gains, thinking it would eventually lead to satisfaction and ultimately happiness. Every waking moment of my life, I am spending it thinking of ways to earn more money. I want to complement it with my studies and pursue much more than peers would do at my age.

However, I feel a distance now and then. As I achieve more and more in my life, I don't find myself getting happier. I am getting wearier, almost as if thinning my soul. I feel just like a machine, powered to achieve perfection and precision. It gets so cold sometimes. Almost as if when I picture myself, I see a reflection of a shiny cool metal, gleaning in the distance.

I haven't felt warmth and love in a really long time.

I need to find my calling, I want to fill my soul up... it's been empty far too long. I don't know where to start. As much as I want passion and purpose in my life and having peace and serenity occasionally settling within, I find that these have been insufficient. I have lost myself chasing my dreams, which I suspect, probably aren't my dreams anyway...

Been once too many

2011-10-19T22:10:00.006+08:00

http://www.theyearsareshort.com/

It touched me.

Because I had my own fair share of a single bus ride with my mom to kindergarten on a cold freezing morning with the windows all misted in the bus. It was my only time sitting on the bus together with her, huddled up close. It reminds me of myself calling her every day asking her the time to be back home. The moment when I would burst out the doors and throw myself into her arms when she came back.

Moments of love.

How I miss that, oh so much.

Why do we act like we don't care when in fact we just want to be coddled like a baby. Why Jac... why.

Long

2011-10-18T20:20:00.003+08:00

The art of giving, in its most beautiful form. To give, to embrace the giving process and to radiate happiness whilst giving. Because the best giving exists in giving without any expectations of return.

Giving

2011-10-18T11:45:00.006+08:00

The past week has been hellish for me. I have reached this stage where I'm behind school work, disorganized in my filing and everything is just a clutter. I'm dealing with everything at a time, trying to clear the present mess because I see the chaos behind and I don't want all of this to cumulate and tumble down on me.

I have been doing the exact same thing as the above. And honestly, it feels good only to a certain point. I have went past that point, and everything is a little out of control. I want to be so much for so many people. I don't want to disappoint myself. But I'm breaking myself down a little bit in this process.

As I allowed myself to be overwhelmed by my emotions and all the wild thoughts flying in my mind, I finally managed to muster those warm tears to fall. It feels good to ponder upon the day at night in bed, drawing closures to the thoughts and ending it with a river flow. I wish I could cry more often.

Feeling helpless at times, the desire to just lay on someone to defend the world for me is quite the urgent need for now. But I have only myself to depend upon. Why be so strong sometimes, Jac? Where's my safe haven in this world of constant battles for nothing? The answer lies in the sweet scent of my bed, the soft nothingness that won't respond and judge when I cry into those pillows. Where's my hand sewn human-sized bolster? I need it.

Why?

2011-10-11T00:10:00.004+08:00

我好像在期待奇迹出现.

Love

2011-10-09T12:24:00.008+08:00

There have been so many coincidences. Ruby thanks for having this on your blog, I can totally relate to this so so much.

the vulnerabilities in us is
what makes us human and not machines.
The feeling of pain reminds us that we are alive,
that we feel,
and it compels us to do greater stuff.

You always remind me that I am the sensitive and caring Jac, that I have so much capacity in me to love. Because I always doubt myself in this area, I always feel like a machine. I do what is best and right, not what my heart wants me to. Thanks for reminding me who I am.

Threading on a thin line as if on a tightrope, only there ain't no mats or nets to catch my fall and if I do fall, it's into a deep darkness that I can't even see the bottom of it. Setting the first step out now I can't just turn around and go back to safety, it's near impossible, that would just make me fall right down into nothingness. As wild as it might be, I enjoy the thrill it brings. I want to feel alive. I want to feel what raw pain is. Not to self mutilate, but for my heart to feel its depth. I have been skimming the surface of my heart, sweeping everything under the rug whenever I feel anger, sadness, shame. I want to feel so much pain that it makes me cry out. I want to feel so much joy it makes me a warm person to be around. I want to give everything I've got and if I had to fall, I want to fall down hard, real hard. So that I can call it a valuable experience, something that makes me stronger. I'm tired of protecting myself, I want to feel real emotions.

Let me fall... if I am going to. Right now, I feel so hard to cry. It really sucks. I almost forgot what tears are. And I want the warm feeling rolling down my cheeks, I want to feel.. human.

I want to peel myself open like an onion, layer by layer, let it sting the eyes, let the tears roll. Because then I know that it's real.

Beginnings

2011-10-08T11:36:00.003+08:00

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

I have never thought of entrepreneurship in the past, okay, maybe I did have some lingering thoughts here and there. But nothing has ever been conceptualised in the end anyway, nor have I given much thought to it. As I attended the official launch of the 13th Start-up @ Singapore, I decided to give myself more room to think about the opportunities there are available. Not that I have to be doing something now, but at least I know what kind of opportunities there are out there. Hearing Edward, the founder of Timbre group, speak about his social mission and the reason for the chain of F&B/Music lifestyle outlets, did inspire me a bit on the things people strive to pursue in their lives. That if you have the passion for it, it didn't matter what you were doing, because you are going to do great in what you love doing.

Many thoughts came flooding in, I visualised providing a niche service for the dead, or a product & service in the interior design industry. It gets me excited looking at all the detailed layout plans and autocad drawings of conceptualised residential properties. But the market for this industry is already quite saturated. In fact, it's too saturated. And I don't want to end up as a contractor which most likely will be termed that way in the ID line, unless it's focused purely on ID consultancy job. But the satisfaction comes from seeing nothing to building something spectacular right? Then, the niche service, I don't know anything about the market for that service. It's too niche, it's too new an idea. Which is probably a very good thing.

I hope to start work soon, going for my first job interview ever on Tuesday. Exciting to be back to the corporate world, that is, if I get the job.

Solitude

2011-10-06T01:47:00.003+08:00

Does it signify independence? Confidence? The ability to enjoy the company of no one else's but your very own. I find myself at peace being alone. In moments like these, I start to contemplate over current events, draw lessons from past events, and then continue thinking about thinking. After conversing with Nah, whom refuses to read my blog, she's shed light on a different perspective. Something that I've been needing. It feels refreshing and gives me more room to contemplate further the decisions I pursue. Some which I continue standing by, and others, I start questioning why.

I am so conservative, so undaring to try new things, too laidback, and overly routined in my life. Would it be that mundane? I don't know what makes up a good injection of excitement. It takes so much to get me on the ball. Though, I enjoy spontaneity in things I do, occasionally surprising people with the things I do and say which they don't normally expect.

I don't know man, as much as time is a great deadener to many things, it's so helpful to have more time to rethink priorities in life. Sometimes I wonder if what I do right now is the right thing... which I guess I'll never know till I look back.

Rememberance

2011-10-04T22:58:00.004+08:00

Happiness existed in various forms. I was happy, have been happy, am still happy. I have always reminded myself of sanity. I'd want to live in the moment, to live for now. Sometimes I do things I cannot fathom I would do, maybe because I want to surprise myself and see how far I'd go at this. It's the little thrills, deep contentment, appreciation, sometimes a little bit more hopeful than certain days. Then other times melancholy sets in only so to remind me what happiness is.

I need to constantly remind myself of how much I have already been, and now I need to push myself out, to find out how much I can become. Though there may be uncertainties, I hope to be able to be in control.

It's a challenge, I want to come out stronger... than before.

And the thing about studies. Lost a little bit of drive in wanting to pursue excellence, perhaps the attention's been redirected at other things I thought are more important than grades. I'm on the look out for better job opportunities. Hoping to find work that I haven't previously touched before at a different industry. I wish I had all the time in the world to freely choose when I could attend lessons and go to work more frequently. Makes me appreciate the lessons more than I would do now.

This voice of Steve Jobs constantly reverberates.. "if you have been waking up too many times dragging your feet, it's time to rethink what you really want in life".

The rawness of opening a closed heart invites as much pain as it does contentment.

Up

2011-10-02T22:07:00.003+08:00

Something to get me started. A moment in life to remember. Words coming out that flow like the river. It was ever so natural. I have transcended boundaries I never knew I could.

I feel so blessed.

In a month's time, I will have a new environment. Life keeps changing. The dust all kicked up before it could even settle. It's always good for my learning experience. Because since I suck so much at adapting to new environments, the more I allow myself through the process, the better I will come out of it. I see a tiring month ahead. But the silent voice eggs me on.

Vault

2011-09-30T00:22:00.002+08:00

An eye opener for myself: http://www.vault.com/assessmentpdfs/ef5d6d4d804bd21c5aa4101bb172d608.pdf

Key things to note:

- are a strong self-starter, who doesn't wait for things to happen

- maintain cool control of your emotions

- are an excellent listener, one of the best

- strive for a high degree of quality control

Ideal Job Culture is where you do your best work. You do your best work in an environment that:

- working in a predictable environment

- doesn't call for you to project great emotion

- presents you with specialized assignments

- encourages projects being done accurately the first time

Honestly, I don't know what kind of jobs have such a job culture. Loving the opportunities there are right now. So many... too many in fact. But I'm glad for now it's just a mass knowledge accumulation period. I have been working so hard my whole life, to be right here, right now.

Death

2011-09-22T15:38:00.001+08:00

"Wherever your life ends, it is all there. The utility of living consists not in the length of days, but in the use of time; a man may have lived long, and yet lived but a little. Make use of time while it is present with you. It depends upon your will, and not upon the number of days, to have a sufficient length of life. Is it possible you can imagine never to arrive at the place towards which you are continually going? and yet there is no journey but hath its end. And, if company will make it more pleasant or more easy to you, does not all the world go the self-same way?

I believe, in truth, that it is those terrible ceremonies and preparations wherewith we set it out, that more terrify us than the thing itself; a new, quite contrary way of living; the cries of mothers, wives, and children; the visits of astounded and afflicted friends; a dark room, set round with burning tapers; in sum, nothing but ghostliness and horror round about us; we seem dead and buried already. Children are afraid even of those they are best acquainted with, when disguised in a visor; and so 'tis with us; the visor must be removed as well from things as from persons, that being taken away, we shall find nothing underneath but the very same death that a mean servant or a poor chambermaid died a day or two ago, without any manner of apprehension. Happy is the death that deprives us of leisure for preparing such ceremonials."

Credit: essays of Michel de Montaigne.

If I had wanted a change, I will be the change. How long and how hard does it take to change a tradition so deep set in a culture? I want death to be a joyous occasion. Just like a celebrity's death is remembered by portraying one's life works, wouldn't it have been a lot more memorable and sentimental to celebrate the death of one? The day our life ends is the day it draws a full stop and completes the beautiful journey that we have been through. We end it off with a blast, we end if off leaving a legacy. Will we be able to achieve that one day?

I know I want to.

爱要怎么说

2011-09-21T00:58:00.001+08:00

Quiet, introvert, apathetic & non-expressive. A lethal combination which requires a miracle pill to express emotions.

我怎样学会呢?

A new window

2011-09-20T00:35:00.002+08:00

As I blog lesser and lesser, I experience a significant obstacle of trying to express myself properly verbally and through words. There are many thoughts in me, but I can't express them out, not even in words. It kills me sometimes, because that means it's just a web of tangled mess in there.

Within the past months, I feel like I have gone into a whole new realm. I am experiencing things that I have done 3, 4 years back, only this time, with friends my age. Friends I call my own. It's so surreal, that I have actually grown up so much, so fast. The ghost of me leaving the scene, and now it's the present me replacing all these experiences at the very same places that I used to be at.

I wonder if I can manage yet another incredible journey of exceptional loving. The heart craves and it's such a natural feeling. A feeling that doesn't need no commanding, no restraining, a feeling so nurturing and sudden. It's too compelling. How crazy, stupid love can be? How far can we go to maintain the giving and taking?

I am too lucky. The situation requires me to acclimatise myself quite a bit. Everything starts from somewhere, and I see many new windows of opportunity. Man makes life exciting, and not wait for life to become exciting.

It's better to have loved and lost, than to not have loved at all.

What do I make out of that?

2011-09-15T16:52:00.002+08:00

Today I was so affected by the effects of herd mentality and insensitivity. Many times, I wonder if I am really that different from others, that I can feel and see so much more. Although not an emotional person, I can understand and grasp many situations easily. Sometimes in a social setting, people tend to exhibit the 'group' behaviour, where everybody tries to blend in their characters with the dynamics of the group to fit in. I stay true to myself, does that make me weird? I may be silent, but I take in a lot and sometimes I am quite disappointed at how the transition of schools have not changed much things about the maturity of students.

If I don't have expectations, would I still be disappointed? I mean, it's quite common sense to have such basic expectations, and sometimes I try very hard to put myself in others' situations, would I still have reacted the same way? I sympathize from their points of view, yet I don't understand what it is that forces us to fall back into the collectivist culture and not think for ourselves.

I feel sad about it, but I know it's beyond my control. Life is tough sometimes, but I know I am contented, and I wish more people would feel the same way too. How do we shed the innocence and naivety? Experience comes hitting hard on some of us, I don't know if I am lucky or unlucky to experience many things earlier. 6 weeks into school, and I still have a hard time adapting. Sigh, why am I so slow in this.

Emotional

2011-09-15T01:37:00.002+08:00

It's been a long while... I haven't got the time at all to come back here and pour my heart. Especially so when I feel so down sometimes, and I can't find the reason that explains the feelings all inside.

It's the feeling of being so alone even though I'm surrounded by so many people.

I love how school is so different from rote learning and that we are always constantly applying many things to real life. I only wish we could grow up faster mentally and enjoy school for what it is now.

I actually want to fall in love... to rely on someone emotionally. Some things are not meant to be rushed... and I will soothe myself with my love songs mix.

Help

2011-08-25T15:31:00.003+08:00

I can't believe how fast my life has changed in a week. I was still gloating over how relaxed Uni life is because I was consistently ahead of lessons. Well, that only lasted for one week. One very pathetic week. I am struggling to keep my head above the waters now and with very sore muscles it's making life even tougher.

I'm mentally screaming in my mind everytime I think about the workload and projects and presentations. I am thankful for having the confidence to speak and present because it really saves a lot of time rather than preparing a speech and memorising to the death of it.

Training is exceptionally tough and I'm still in my culture shock adaptation stage. I am really slow in getting used to new environments and right now I am still finding a place to settle. It sucks to feel lost, because I need a direction to proceed. These are times to feel bad and down, but I can't find a reason to crumble totally. Trust me, the feeling of hanging in between is way tougher to handle than swinging on the extremes. Because when you want to cry out to release your emotions, you can't.

Every morning I wake up like a machine, eyes swollen from water retention and head spinning from the lack of sleep. I proceed to drive an exceptional long way to school faced with traffic jam and inconsiderate drivers. And honestly I have no right to complain because I have such a privilege. It makes me feel like life is so volatile. And I'm really missing friends... just friends to sit down and lie around and not talk at all but merely to immerse in the atmosphere and relax. There's so much tension in my body I feel so unnatural and jerky all the time as if I'm always forgetting to do something. Too many things on the mind with too little time to do them all. I should tone down the ambitions and be a little normal kid... or at least try.

5 Wisdoms

2011-08-15T21:57:00.003+08:00

1. If you are right, then there's no need to get angry. And if you are wrong, then you don't have any right to get angry.

2. Patience with family is love. Patience with others is respect. Patience with self is confidence.

3. Never think hard about past, it brings tears. Don't think more about the future, it brings fears. Live this moment with a smile, it brings cheers.

4. Every test in our life makes us bitter or better. Every problem comes to make us or break us. Choice is ours, whether we become victim or victorious.

5. Search a beautiful heart, not a beautiful face. Beautiful things are not always good, but good things are always beautiful.

NUS Business O Week 2011

2011-08-07T00:42:00.002+08:00

The good exposure I've had to varsity life starts from here, and it opens my world.

There are really people from all walks of life, and they each have amazing talents and abilities.

I feel so blessed to be around here in this moment. It just feels like everything has so much potential, so much possibilities, and so much limits to break.

Here goes my life... the life I've been looking forward to since Secondary; the life that I can fully mould in my hands, by myself, and be proud of whatever the results are.

Nurture potential part II

2011-07-23T09:16:00.002+08:00

In continuation to a previous post, I have found an answer which had been lingering in my mind all these while. I mentioned that I can't even remember the last time she complimented me, because, I found out the truth last night; there simply wasn't anything commendable about me at all. I blatantly asked if I had any strengths at all when she was going on and on about all my weaknesses, and the answer I got was none. I didn't have any at all.

After 19 years of my life here, she couldn't even name a single strength of mine. She only went on and on about my brother's strengths in comparison to my weaknesses. I stopped her short and broke it, "do I have any 长处?" and she said she really couldn't thought of any.

I am merely a clammed up person, with so much flaws, so much imperfections and the failure to meet so many of her over-exceeding expectations.

Tell me, how do I go about filling this hole in my soul?

Universal Studios Singapore

2011-07-20T23:14:00.004+08:00

If not for my cousin coming from the States, I don't know when I'll ever trod into this side of Singapore to feed our tourism revenue. The last time I'd been to Resorts World Sentosa was for work, and it wasn't that much fun because we had a tender interview, and the RWS department that called for the tender wasn't all too pleasant to deal with. That was indeed bad. And another time when I went with Sean and Chanel for a nice little touristy tour where Sean seemed to be the Malaysian bringing the locals around the attractions.

And for the real thing, this time, we paid a good deal to get into USS because of the 20% mastercard discount they're having right now. The place is like a circle so we started from Madagascar and covered all the attractions along the way. I am most impressed by the washroom standards there because one would normally expect it to be wet and dirty and disgusting because the volume of human traffic there is just high at whatever period of the year. And that's where it surprised me. There were 2 cleaners permanently stationed there to refill the rolls of toilet paper in the cubicles and drying up of the floors every time someone steps out. It's really good and commendable.

I have to admit I don't have much of a childhood with all these characters. Because I don't know their names and I'm just like wow... it's a dreamland for children!

I found the Revenge of the Mummy ride the most terrifying even with eyes closed because of the sudden jerking movements and the seats weren't comfortable for such movements! Another thing was because it was pitch black and the feeling of not knowing what's coming next takes the fear to the next level. They snapped a shot in the middle of the ride and boy, I was looking so epic. Yes, I vividly remember my fear. The best part of it all? Pam was sitting beside me and she turned out looking almost bored in the photo. Hahahahaha.

The all famous Battlestar Galactica attractions weren't as scary as they are made out to be. Shutting my eyes throughout kept my fear at bay. I took the Human ride (red) twice, once with eyes closed and the second time with them open. It's really not that scary. However, the Cyclon ride (blue) made me feel like I was going to lose my life. Somewhat. The safety measure was such that the buckle straps your entire body down, so I was grabbing so tightly onto the sides my biceps pressed again the cushion until it hurt so bad. I didn't know I was so stressed out. I could have honestly break a tile if I had to use that amount of strength when i climb. Hahaha! A pity I only rode it once. I would dare to open my eyes if I did it the second time. But honestly, I think I would freak out when it starts going sideways and upside down.

We took many pretty photos and I am thinking of developing them into an album for keepsake instead of just leaving them on Facebook. :D

We had dinner at Loui's. It was (i assume) an Italian restaurant that had amazing pizza. Amazing by Singapore standards, because my cousin from US thinks there are better pizzas over there. Nevertheless, I enjoyed it really much because it was really DAMNNN good. Or I was probably too starved already from all the exertion throughout the day.

The one good lesson from USS is to not queue at those attractions that tell you waiting time is 80 or 60 minutes! It's bullcrap, because the reward for waiting is almost nothing. So for USS wannago-ers, just take all the 5 min waiting time rides. They are truly more adrenaline-worthy!

And, yesterday my brother's 21st birthday just went by like that. So ordinarily for a 21st. We are all growing up already. No crazy expectations of celebrating it with a blast.

Outdoors

2011-07-15T01:12:00.003+08:00

I realised that after this rock trip, I have grown to embrace the outdoors so much more. The comforts of home have kept me spoilt and pampered. Now, I feel like I can live out any camps in Singapore, because I really don't mind the dirt and grime from outdoors. All along with insects and animals, they come to form a beautiful picture of our Mother Nature.

How gross can any thing in a city be right?

Did I mention nothing beats peeing in the wild, because you don't have to find a toilet when you are urgently in need of one, it's everywhere. Hahaha. Oh yes, I have yet to do a big business outdoors, wonder when that time will come.

School is starting in 3 weeks. I feel so scared to lose myself in all the world of stress and madness, again. And I really can feel how fast I've grown... to trod into the beginnings of adulthood.

Krabi 2011

2011-07-05T00:48:00.006+08:00

As I sat there on the deck of freedom bar on many of the days there, zoning out, sometimes thinking about life back in Singapore, thinking about the work and people, I am so glad to be away for a good sustained period. 12 days were more than enough to let me lose track of time. It felt fast... but every day there was simply simple. Nothing to worry, same old same food and drink, that they become comfort food. Even the accommodation felt like home every night after a long day outdoors. It wasn't really all about climbing. I just needed a good break from work, and this was it.

Now I'm so afraid of going back to the dreaded place. Unpleasantries linger around.

I appreciated the simple life back there.

But I appreciate Singapore and my life back here so much more because I realise I am really privileged to have all that I have right now. It feels like a good reminder to myself to be grateful and contented.

Personal log of the climbs I've tried/done there:

Dum's Kitchen

Schlingel Moritz - 6a

Schlingel Max - 6b

Tyrolean Wall

Missing Snow - 6b+

Tonsai Wall and Roof

I No Speak England - 6b

Tidal Wave - 7b

Hin Rong Hai(Crying Rock) - 6c

Fire Wall

The Groove Tube - 6a

For Helga - 6b

One-Two-Three at Railay

Giggering for Climbing - 5

Short and Savage - 6b

Old Route - 5

Make A Way - 6a+

The Nest/Wild Kingdom

Whacky Weed - 6a

Techno Bug - 6a

Krabi

2011-06-19T23:17:00.003+08:00

Flying off on 20th June, that's tomorrow, early in the morning! Pretty much clueless about what to expect, except loads and loads of climbing on natural rock which I have been craving so much since Batu Caves 2 years back. That seemed so recent... it's been 2 years!

I will literally vanish for 2 weeks till 2nd July, so it's a good time to lose touch from the world away from all the technology devices that get on my nerves because people are constantly texting/facebooking/tweeting whenever they hang out with other people. Yes, it gets on my nerves when you are there constantly on your phone typing shit, because I am here beside you and you are being rude.

Hahahahaa

So a nice vacation from all of this nonsense and let me recharge my soul from all the work...

I will miss you, you, you, you and you. And my bed. Till then!

Ship

2011-06-16T01:56:00.004+08:00

Particularly friendships, they have been coming and going. It just so happened that we met at the same place at a particular timing. And once we were done with whatever we had to do, we moved on with our lives and the distance grows and slowly memories all start fading as well. Chemistry and connection play a huge role.

I could have a million friends in this world, but I choose to devote my time and love to the select few who stand the test of time and faith. The harder we had it going, the more we treasure all that we've had.

I haven't yet found my calling in certain aspects of my life. But I'm so blessed to have you girls watching me grow, and to watch you guys grow too. Which reminds me that I ought to find a partner to experience these phases as well.

男人可遇不可求.

Hard

2011-06-11T19:03:00.004+08:00

I've learned a really good lesson yesterday. Top-rope climbing doesn't mean it's easier!!! Yesterday Ser and I had a good hard climbing session at CA where we whacked 5c to 6c routes. We lost count of the number of routes, but I'm guessing we could have completed nearly 10 routes. Totally draining towards the end that I couldn't even push myself to do endurance training. And I got myself a nice flapper on the right hand and a weird internally bruised blister on the left. Cuts all over my hands which I have no idea where I'd gotten them from either. When you're in survival mode nothing really matters eh. Those 6b and 6c routes we did almost killed me. I came down pumped and sweat shone in the light. Top-rope allows me to try moves I never thought I could ever do. It's really nice to take a break from different styles of training.

The one that I don't really enjoy is bouldering. But it's also the one that's gonna be a major factor for getting into NUS climb team. :( Why isn't there more competitions for high wall lovers like me?? Instead of monster boulder comps that make women look like men from those highly intensive trainings.

Less than 2 weeks to Krabi! Super excited and pumped up to crank on those real rocks and to have the waves crashing in the background. And no... it's not just a dream.

It's a dream coming alive. Really blessed to have all these opportunities in my life.

Work

2011-06-08T00:07:00.004+08:00

Nonchalance, my best and worst trait, has gotten me into hot soup. You see, when you care, people say you kaypo. When you don't care, people also got something to remark. When you guai lan act blur live longer, people start to stab you from behind.

I've seen how words can mutate and transform its meaning through different modes of conveyance at its worst (I hope it stays being the worst for now). When someone has the intention to harm, even the most pleasant statement can turn nasty.

When I stay away from all these politics at work, I get scolded for being too bo chup and kena stabbed from behind also don't stand up for myself. My conscience tells me there's really no point in pitting against someone 15 years older than I am. On the very first level, I have already won because I haven't stooped to such underhand means. It's even harder to stomach when such actions are being undertaken by someone so much older than I am. We would have expected more maturity right? Wrong. Wisdom and knowledge doesn't come with age. It's merely just a number if we fail to open our minds to learn.

At times, I do wonder, how far and how much guai lan-ness there is in me to sustain this adrenaline and drive to work on my own goals and ignore external factors. They are merely passing phases. And I realise, I do have quite an amount of that in me.

Let's just say, respect is earned; not demanded. Regardless of stature, age and culture.

Perspectives

2011-05-22T23:21:00.003+08:00

It has been the longest wait in my life for the past week. Checking into the online platform every single day for NUS's acceptance/rejection into the business school has been the norm now.

Aside from the mundane things in life like these, I watched Undercover Boss on channel 5 and it's gotta be the highlight of today's waste-my-life-away day. Basically a high ranking personnel i.e. CEO of a large company heads down to the front line, and works side by side with entry level staff performing job roles like cleaning/store-checking/maintenance/delivery/logistics etc. In Econs, we learnt that with huge companies that reap large economies of scale, the drawback is that the top management level is always very far away from the front line in terms of feedback and support. Half the time, these 2 don't ever associate with each other and have zero idea of what's happening at either side.

In this program, they aim to eliminate that by having the CEO take on the undercover job and it all rolls along. Getting the first hand information and knowledge of what's happening is crucial especially when running a business. Customers' needs are of utmost importance, because they are the ones who drives the business.

Which brings me back to my working experience now. I am very blessed to have been given such opportunities to rotate in various departments to try my hands on things I've never done before. This idea of rotating in various departments is not new, many companies do it for undergrads internships as well as for freshgraduates to give them the big picture of how the company functions. I've had my opportunity coming earlier than usual even before I've started the undergrad experience.

The most recent experience I've had in the past week is running and managing my own project, both in terms of dealing with client's expectations and meeting his needs, while coordinating with suppliers and contractors to perform the job on schedule. After executing this, I have to be there to monitor the job being done. Sounds like much of a work for a 19 year old? It definitely is. I talked to bosses offering their services to me, to workers and their supervisors doing the job itself, and then to my client as well as reporting to my direct supervisor and bosses in the office. Having some responsibilities in accounts side also gave me a better idea of dealing with payments and keeping the project healthy in terms of profit margin.

The most rewarding part of it all, is seeing everything running so smoothly at work and people getting an outright shock expression all over their faces knowing my age. I've never felt so involved and clear about the work that I'm doing, ever. This has really been the most well spent holidays of my life.

Like what Chris Sharma said:

Climbing is this ever evolving thing, and although it really is about the goal and succeeding and getting to the top, at the same time it's a never-ending cycle of finding something that you're really motivated on, obsessing over it, and then once you get to the top, celebrating for a little while and then moving on to the next thing.

And of course, looking forward to lessening the work load once my project is done and moving on to climbing.

It has been such a journey at work. July is coming, making big decisions for entrance to my preferred Uni, and starting on the next thing in life. I wonder where I get all this inspiration from.

Too soon

2011-05-17T00:34:00.003+08:00

Guess I couldn't resist the urge to pen down some thoughts till the results from NUS come out. I thought I have seen quite a bit of the ugly side of human, but last night marks a new milestone for me. Snatching for the bill right out of the waitress's hands was polite enough, then the tug of war ensued between 2 parties right in front of the waitress. While I silently watch on, I secretly and invisibly buried my entire body deep into the earth below. How could I have just dined with people like that? And just before that, one party apparently poured beverage for its own consumption, and upon realising it wasn't what it had ordered, proceeded to question the wait staff, then pour it away into the cup that the staff was clearing. How polite and graceful.

I thought there were more etiquette to this world than it is. I guess it takes some getting used to, I just can't believe I have to be associated with such people who put on such disgusting behaviour. It irks me so much, I felt downright embarrassed and sorry both for myself and the disgraceful persons involved.

Why do adults behave like that?

And then, there's also the self-centredness that gladly radiates around in my household. Blatantly just obtaining whatever there is for fulfilling its own desires. Sigh. I really didn't know people like these exist in such a modern century. I would so volunteer to help and assist to the best of my ability, but such things just turn me off completely and I still have to do it because of obligations.

You know, Oscar Wilde sure did sum it up best.

Relations are simply a tedious pack of people who haven't got the remotest knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die.

And I foresee there's gonna be so much more of such awful situations awaiting to be uncovered in the very near future. I wished I could save myself.

Revived

2011-05-15T20:39:00.002+08:00

Working on weekends at the office is absolutely lovely! No need to care about dressing, whatever you do because there's simply no one judging, looking or simply caring. Plus the atmosphere is so nice, no constant ring of the annoying phone.

After going for the Discretionary Admission's Biz interview at NUS, I am leaning towards NUS. See how humans want something that they haven't gotten yet? And take for granted when they have it?? I'm waiting so anxiously... for climbing and for the biz course.

Volunteering at Climb X brings back many memories of last year's climb X when we took part in it and organised it as well. Feelings were definitely different, because I went to school so much more relaxed as compared to a participant's anxious/nervous emotions. I crave for competitions, especially difficult comps, so so much!

In another 2 more weeks, June is gonna arrive. I haven't decided when I should stop work, probably right at my trip to Krabi on 20th June and then come back to SG to PARTY the whole of July. Technically people who knows me well enough, my PARTYING is not the same as your partying terms. Ha ha ha.

Seriously cannot wait for Uni to start, orientation, studying, and feeling young again.

Work, as much as I derive much more satisfaction from, still complicates life quite a bit with all its politics and responsibilities that tie to real money terms. Being a student no doubt may have all these, but definitely on a much smaller scale, or so I hope. At least I now have an advantage of knowing to see things much simpler and caring about things that matter to me only!

Be back soon again with my update on accepting which Uni!!!!

What hurts the most

2011-04-30T23:20:00.002+08:00

It's going to sound like an emo post again with such a title. But it's always the most hurtful things that stay with someone, it haunts, in sleeping moments and in waking moments.

我睡不着的时候，会不会有人陪着我

我难过的时候，会不会有人安慰我

我想说话的时候，会不会有人了解我

Wallowing in self pity. And a good night's sleep erased all the pity I ever had. Erased all the troubles. I love how my mind always refreshes itself just like that.

It's cruel that all relationships play a big role in one's emotional and mental state, yet it's always something that's so hard to depend on. Why do we all get played like that?

Dear

2011-04-23T23:02:00.006+08:00

All it took was for one movie, a simple, touching, heartfelt movie, to change my perspective. As a continuation from my previous post, there were signs of unhappiness bubbling in me. I kept thinking. Every minute as I'm awake, as I'm in the house. I thought, and thought. While I drive, alone, in the car, I thought. I have been selfish, thinking about how much I disliked the way things are as it is. I kept going down this slippery slope of being unsatisfied, being annoyed, and even frustrated because I cannot do anything. I realised after these couple of hours, that I kept harping on all the little things that put me off. I kept focusing, like a nitpicker, like her, on all the details that made me angry, little things would spark me off, all because of all the focus and attention I had placed on the flaws.

Everybody has time. Whether it be found, or created, there is time on our hands. But eventually, it's gonna run out. There is only that finite amount of time each of us has. If I continue spending every waking moment, focusing on flaws that made me unhappy, it's miserable, not only for me, but for her. I've zoomed in, and now I'm learning to zoom out. I want to force myself to see the bigger picture that life has in store. I have prided myself on being logical, reasonable. But I've been very unfeeling and simply uncaring about the people physically closest to me. I realised that problems take two to happen. I must have faulted somewhere as well. I'm trying my best to change.

Because I know time, will eventually run out. And I don't need to have regrets. I want to give it my best. I read somewhere, that the declaration of independence of America, was for a purpose. It was for the pursuit of happiness. It was a common goal for the land of free people. I've had many goals, and still have many more to pursue. I need to wake up, from the clouded vision of unhappiness.

I have been very privileged and blessed. Why am I still complaining? Each time I feel disappointed or upset, I would think of the life I'm enjoying right now. Is it really worth it being frustrated? I will try, as hard as it may be, to change the status quo. It hasn't been easy all these while, bringing us up single-handedly. We've been pampered so much more than many complete families by material wealth. It takes a lot to understand her position, and until I become a mother myself, I can never understand the whole thing, only grappling here and there. But you know, I'm going to give it my best, to understand it. Because when someone actually really understands it, the amount of relief and appreciation she will feel, is beyond any loving I can ever give.

Phase

2011-04-22T01:25:00.005+08:00

It's late nights like these that I spend so much time procrastinating on the net, randomly surfing nothing in particular, looking through photos, reading articles, pondering and reflecting over thoughts that weren't entertained during busy days of the week.

It's addictive, I tell myself I need more sleep, earlier nights to prevent the saggy/wrinkled eye bags forming. I just can't bear to turn off the screen.

Time and again, I love going back into the past, nostalgic and humorous at best, melancholic and disgusted at worst. This blog has been with me through so many ups and downs in my life. From 2005, I've gone through tons of phases. Skating, netball, skating again, experiencing my first relationship, doing many firsts things, getting out of a relationship, being actively involved in climbing, graduation from O level, then A level. Friends at different stages, come and go. Grow and grow. Everything keeps evolving, changing, mutating. Some worse off, some better off. Life has been quite crazy for me.

At every stage, I've always commonly hear people leaving remarks about my maturity. Today, my uncle/aunt left some words that I pondered upon. They reminded me not to be absorbed into the adult world so soon, to behave like a child, a teenager, to enjoy a burden-free childhood, that some things ought to be left to worry in adulthood, not now. And it hit me, that all I've been thinking, isn't about going out with friends to party, socialising, getting dead drunk, or anything silly or outrageously fun. What I've been thinking, is about the future, my education, my career, improving myself in all aspects, earning to upkeep the family, taking up responsibilities to care more, learning to deal with conflicts at work. I'm consistently making small goals and giving the commitment to reach each one. From attaining a driving license in the shortest possible time, to finding time to climb. I feel good, a sense of accomplishment when I actually do attain it.

I fathom marrying, starting a family. All of these ordinary thoughts that linger in the mind. Sometimes I look at friends my age, flipping through clubbing pictures, shopping pictures, going overseas etc, I wonder to myself, why have I not gone through this phase, only to skip the whole thing altogether? Shopping is merely on a needs basis and till date I've not clubbed yet.

I get excited thinking about closing sales. Nerves tingle when I do each task at work in the shortest possible time. I love leaving people impressed, even if it's little things.

Having watched limitless, I actually can feel the sense of clarity the people felt when they took the drug, NZT. My direction has always been clear, and I do all it takes to reach the destination. I might fall short sometimes, but I'm always getting closer. I wonder where I get all this drive from. Sometimes when I go into a daze, I think of many things that have become overated. Sex, prostitutes, alcohol, smoking, and whatever vices there are; all of it are just largely blown out of proportion by social media.

After working for close to 5 months now, I have gained an invaluable amount of

knowledge/experience both in the soft and hard skills there are to learn. I am better in my judgement of many matters, I have grown even more patience than I previously had, and I learn to respect colleagues who deserve it. Though merely at 18 years old, sometimes I feel given more time, I could out-do what some 30, 40 year old manages. I figured it could be the hard headedness older people tend to be when they age. The assumption that age comes with wisdom leaves people thinking they know much more than they actually do, and they behave in a way that makes them superior over others, which, puts them at a disadvantage, because they shut their learning mindset and insist on being right.

I've seen people with and without education certifications, having years of experience in the industry, and I made some observations, that qualification level only play so much at the surface level, it really lies in the individual's capacity to improve and learn. Some people have appetites way higher than others, achieving success much earlier, even without the additional advantage of having qualifications. While the rest have better qualifications becoming stagnant because of complacency.

Psychologically, mannerisms and dispositions play a huge role in getting someone to like you. Words alone merely remain as words. Gestures and postures are so important, or at least, to me. I observe small little things and it gets to me. And when we really do get into the cycle of deciding to like/dislike someone/something, it keeps going the same way and the feeling intensifies.

I'm trying to find some love, something redeemable about what I feel about certain things at home or in the office, but the usually optimistic me, just can't find it. It shows... and I'm growing tired of it. So tired.. that sometimes I just can't control the tears and let it flow. Certain things are really beyond our control. I can't change the way I think about it, and neither is the situation getting better. It annoys me thoroughly.

I need an inspiring book to change the way I think.

It's an apt moment

but FML sometimes.

At this point in time, Sushi's roving eyes and head keep following my mouse cursor on the screen while she's sitting in front of me before the keyboard, it's epic funny.

Thinking about it

2011-04-17T12:02:00.003+08:00

Saturdays have unofficially become my climbing training days. Yesterday I made a breakthrough! It feels like my first hard lead climb since NSSCC last year. Nice long stretchy dynamic moves. Hard breathing, sweat dripping, feeling all out of breath and pumped. This is the feeling that I have been missing so much. I know what's so addictive, it's the adrenaline rush.

I've been craving so much for an overseas rock trip. The first one to Chiangmai failed because none of the girls could make it except me. Now it's Batu Caves! It's still undecided. I've been thinking, I don't know if I could not join climbing in uni and pick a different activity to engage in altogether. We shall see again eh? I've always planned so far ahead, but things don't always work out that way. Now it's just taking a step at a time, reaching a goal and pursuing the next.

On Friday when I checked the SMU online platform, it says that my status is "Admitted", and I am patiently or rather anxiously anticipating for the acceptance letter. And NUS has no news at all. No interview, nothing. I am seriously, seriously, seriously still in a dilemma between NUS & SMU, but if I don't even get anything from NUS, what next? Shall decide again when I reach there.

On a different note, women are so captivating to men and men are always falling under their spells. The way my colleagues speak to men/women are so obvious, especially when it's male colleagues speaking to their male counterparts, and the next moment, they converse so sweetly with a female colleague. It's obvious. I shall just sum it up in chinese, 男人就是那么贱. No offence, I think it's a natural mechanism that makes men function like that.

And being the crazy me, I keep being attracted to married men. I have officially declared it a crisis. I wished I could heal myself. Wah, deprived. It's close to 2 years with 4 months short that I've been single. But I have nothing in mind(fine, except weird fantasies of things working out with age gap way more than 20 years LOL), except to start school, start the next phase of life. Start saving, start planning. HDB is going to be so expensive, I wonder how Gen Y's gonna afford a house of their own, including myself. And a car is so hard to upkeep, and I am so stingy. Spendthift. And I am just rambling.

Sarcastic humour is funny and acceptable. But just plain sarcasm that digs at you isn't. It's simply telling of one's narrow-mindedness and inability to accept things the way it is. I don't know if it's jealousy or the innocent envy, but it's so obvious even to people not directly involved. It's not the way to go, and I realised this habit of mine, the automatic reflex of avoiding the whole thing altogether, wishing either it's going to go away or a miracle happens. Either way, it's not salvaging anything. And I keep thinking to myself, am I at fault too?

Sometimes adults just don't act the way they ought to, I sincerely believe there's still a naive child in each of us, wishing we could be baby-fed and coddled.

Dining

2011-04-03T23:20:00.003+08:00

It's been more than 2 months since we've stepped into a fine dining restaurant. Tentalizing tastebuds gave in to the allure of food and having been to the Marina Bay Sands twice, I'd always wanted to try one of the celebrity chefs restaurants there. A pity, we checked out the whole list of A star restaurants, from CUT to Guy Savoy, all were literally food for the rich. A meal could easily set us back 200 per pax. However, a hidden gem Hide Yamamoto, was tucked in between the rows of Santi, Waku Ghin and Guy Savoy, and the price was slightly more reasonable. Oh, did I mention, the Casino Atrium 2 where the restaurants were located, gave a bird's eye view of the casino! It was a great view for those who 1) doesn't wanna pay $100 levy and 2) under 21 years old.

Before I digress, the gastronomic experience was refreshing because we took a break for quite a while from these foods. The most memorable dish of tonight was the Foie Gras. I didn't have a really good impression of goose liver because the last time I tried it at Orchard Central's Ochre's, it was quite watery and too raw for my liking. This time, I fell in love with it. Another dish which kept me going was the rack of lamb. Absolutely no "lamby" taste at all, with meat so succulent and grilled to a perfection.

Also, I ordered a sake selection that had 3 different kinds of cold sake with its aroma/sweetness/dryness/full-body variations. My favourite was the Junmai Dai Ginjo, with a full-body rating of 4/5, and 0/5 dryness. It doesn't fire up the nose as with the others and is a really smooth sake.

Just to clear a myth, parking at MBS is quite reasonable for such a fine place. We entered at around 7.30pm and left at 10.30pm and the fees was $6. Not too bad. It would have been the same rates for many carparks around CBD area with much older peeling walls and smaller lots available.

I'm satiated with such a good meal.

Just for info: http://www.marinabaysands.com/Restaurants/Hide_Yamamoto.aspx

OH, before I forget, the night scenery at MBS to the helix bridge and the artscience museum is simply captivating. Perfect place to date and let the breeze take all troubles away.

Credits

Nurture potential

2011-03-31T00:33:00.004+08:00

The greatest encouragement, I realised, doesn't come from just about anybody. Compliments might be rare in general while criticisms occur almost on a daily basis. I don't know if it's a form of motivation or the constant raising of the bar for me, I can't even remember the last time my mom said something nice about me. To think that the person who is the closest to me, is in fact, the greatest demoraliser if there is even such a word. Always nitpicking about little things, grousing just about everything, I am always under this label of a good for nothing.

First it was my A level results. True enough I'm disappointed with it, but I got over it and looked ahead. She has to tell the world how disappointed she is and how much I'm not up to her expectations. Then just recently with all the applications for universities, I'd wanted to include my work experience as well. So I had her read the recommendation letter written and commented by superiors I've worked with, just to give her an idea of the performance of my work and as a review of what colleagues thought of me. Instead of feeling proud of me, she took on an accusatory tone and questioned if I'm really as a good as the contents of the letter, if I could stand by it when questioned by interviewers if shortlisted. It was demoralising for a start in the amount of confidence she had in me, and the way she said it was as good as "you don't so ya ya papaya people say you like that only become proud". Perhaps she'd never knew me as being humble I believe.

I don't think it's incredulous for me to expect her to just break into a smile and at least say something encouraging because the letter is coming from a third party's point of view, and it's not merely biased opinions because more than 1 individual contributed to it. I really don't understand the point of bringing me down and questioning me like I'd crafted the thing to sell my soul to whatever Universities I've applied for.

It might have been these things accumulating, I seem to be making a mountain of a molehill now. While watching Secrets for Sale on channel U with her, after the supporting cast, Stanley, was exposed of his doings, she said "斯文败类!", and went on to point at me and say “你也是斯文败类的".

If it's merely a matter of insensitivity, I might be able to accept. I've been giving in, tolerating, not even saying anything defensive and simply remaining quiet, but it doesn't mean that I don't have any pride and i'm lying if I say it doesn't hurt me at all.

I had this conjecture that it might be the way all parents tend to behave to their children, because colleagues who are slightly reaching mid life and still don't have any children, have very different perspectives of dealing with matters and human emotions. Is it really such a changing process? Parents always say they want their child to succeed, but why when I shine, I get thrown back into dirt to start all over again?

Everybody always expects more, to break limits, to make breakthroughs. It's the art of kite-flying; letting go and reeling of the string at intervals to let it fly up high. It's not pulling the rubber band till it over-stretches and breaks.

Datelines

2011-03-23T00:28:00.003+08:00

There's a reason why deadlines are spelt like that instead of datelines right? Hahaha.

I've been so busy again recently. It's like PW submission deadline happening but a prolonged process. Fluttering around everywhere, multi-tasking like crazy and basically just going crazy till the point where I couldn't stand the photocopying machine's slowness(which technically is quite fast).

Everything has been about speed, accuracy and precision. I have mastered the art of pressing the calculator like a skilled accountant. I have learned the trade of dominating the workplace and giving instructions. Ha. It's funny how I was instructing my direct supervisor to do things on my behalf. And I am concerned with completing tasks right away. If I don't go crazy soon, I think people in the office would think I'm a mad dog rushing and rushing every day. Meeting projects DEADlines after DEADlines.

Good stressing experience right? Having calls every hour or so, chasing and chasing and chasing.

Now I have settled down with all the deadlines, it's time to start calling people to chase them for quotes.

Vicious cycle.

I'm just wondering when I will start getting sick of being so stressed up. And I simply love it so much and i'm not even being sarcastic, but when it's so crucially stressful, I am forever calm and telling them to stop hopping around like a ticking time bomb. Okay now I'm starting to sound a bit crazy. I am amazed at how I remain absolutely calm except that people may notice through my actions being twice or thrice faster when I'm actually stressed. Okay, I shall stop being narcissistic.

Scholarship

2011-03-20T01:09:00.004+08:00

I have had many things going smoothly for me for all the years in my life. Almost every practical driving lesson I had with various instructors gave me new insights to different requirements and expectations. One instructor which I particularly had the most lessons with loved to question me about academics related things. It was, in his perspective, helpful to gain some updated information about the education system as his children are slightly younger than me and would be going through the same path as me in time to come. One particular question he posed to me got me thinking. He asked if I had ever failed any national examination before, and I replied no. Then he knew about my job and how I got it due to relations. And he said something that struck me, "you really have everything going so smoothly for you in your life".

And since then, I've been thinking about it too. All through my schooling years, I've never been one of the brightest students or the average. I'm always floating somewhere in between the best and the good. Getting into recognised schools and always faring just above average.

I really have never had a setback before. Not a failure to deal with. Not even a crisis. Even though I might not be making it into those top courses, at least I'm still going into a recognised university. So pampered and sheltered in this life, I am merely hungry for knowledge.

The disaster in Japan seems so far away in my life, simply because I can't fathom it happening to me.

There has been so many things happening in the office. Changes and crises, politics and rumours. Humans are so difficult to handle. If I really had to trace all troubles to its root cause, it eventually leads to money. Money can never co-exist with humans. I don't know how it has made lives better, maybe physically more comfortable and convenient, but the quality of life has been going in the opposite direction. We are all quite absorbed in our own little world, always subconsciously thinking of other people's intentions and motives, especially negative ones, and jumping to conclusions on our own. The brain may have neurons to make these connections and associations very quickly, and it sure does have its down sides.

As I get older, I become more wary, more cautious of the world. The guard gets stronger and tougher to break. Trust is something so valuable. Like friendship, it requires years to build, but only a moment to destroy.

And for now, the largest incessant worry is the personal statement I need to write for NUS's scholarship application. An exceptional achievement that highlights my academic interests and intellectual capacity. Great. Any ideas, someone?

Post results

2011-03-06T17:00:00.002+08:00

All the waiting and anxiety has come to disappointing results. I am too much of a perfectionist. When my name wasn't flashed for any of the 3/4/5/6 distinctions, my heart skipped a beat and I just imagined the worst. Overcoming the disappointment took a mere half a day and thereafter I began searching for my options.

Now I can't decide between SMU's Business Management and NUS Business Administration. Technically I don't have much of choice to be torn between these two because I don't meet the cut off indicative grade profile of NUS's. I just can't wait to start school, wherever it may be.

It's going to be another long arduous wait for the acceptance letter next.

Life is indeed full of surprises. I get over things much too fast and am always looking forward to whatever the future might hold. Really glad to have such positivity.

It's a big burden off my shoulders now with the release of the A level results.

Next is Traffic Police test on 18th March!

Change is only constant

2011-02-27T23:30:00.009+08:00

My heart ached quite badly last night. I felt like crying, to make myself better, but I couldn't find a reason strong enough to let the tears fall naturally. I just felt all weird inside. I realised there are so many changes in my life since I started work.

There's no routine, or at least, not to my liking. I take effing forever to adapt to new changes and the transition process sucks. Now it's practically working and working, and on the weekends, I have absolutely nothing much to do. Friends have seemed like a completely lost idea except for the fact that Chanel is like my other soul who sticks around 24/7 whether it's physically or emotionally(seeing each other at work/off work/talking on the phone when we don't see each other).

I kinda hate the fact that my social life is gone. Friends from school? Friends from skating? It's been quite a small world for me, now the world has apparently vanished into thin air.
I appreciate the work experience I'm getting right now, but the other aspects of my life are literally crumbling in front of my eyes.

Having been single for so long, I don't even fancy being in love now. But sometimes seeing how some couples are so happily in love, makes me feel like I can be like that. But if we really considered all these, I confide in Chanel practically almost everything so we should really be on our way to making couple tees. Ha ha ha. Just like what we both agree on, the feeling is different. But we just enjoy the freedom of singlehood, of not reporting to someone our movement, of not being controlled by another person.

I want to make a change in the way I go to work. Being on time for work and leaving when I'm not required or when boss says it's ok to go is this perfect picture in my mind. The reality is that my mom goes to work real late, and I follow her so I end up being real late. And my boss is not happy that I'm late because my job scope requires me to be on time to complete tasks within working hours. And thereafter my job ends for this direct boss in the projects dept, I go on to help do little things here and there for my mom after my office hours. So technically I'm on average working way past the required 7.5 hours a day. It's killing me because we get home so late that I have insufficient rest to recharge for the next day for my proper job at the projects side. So much grouches.
And I was thinking even if I get my driving license by 18th march, it wouldn't change much if I drove myself to work at 930am and leave my mom back at home with no transport to work.
We need to work something out, and getting my mom to wake up to go work at 930am is like wishing for money to drop from the sky. Sigh.

I'm pretty confident results will be out on 4th march. Judgement day. All sorts of thoughts running through my mind, majority being the negative ones. It's because I have already got everything worked up with the concept that I'm aceing my A levels and not thinking of what's going to happen if it doesn't turn out that way. Maybe that's why i'm fretting.

There's so many different kinds of people in the work environment. Sometimes I wish I could crawl back into my safe nest and trust everyone and allow them to take care of me like a little baby. But I know... it's time to grow up.

It sucks growing up. Responsibilities... I have to take them up some day. Gonna commit myself to contributing to the utility bills from the next month onwards which makes up $200 gone from my pay and a further cut because of CPF contribution. Not that I spend so much, it's about time to read up on financial planning as well. Adulthood is beckoning.

Time is just slipping by...
What I really miss like hell are nights out with mommy at fine dining places, less hard liquor(or none at all) and more time for myself to read books in bed all day. I haven't even start on clubbing yet, and I don't even want to begin anywhere.

Health risks and the very fact that I don't even enjoy all of these... why must I go through the teenage years? I just wanna sip cocktails and listen to jazz/classics/instrumental and splurge at nice dining places. It's the life of the late 30s/40s or maybe I shouldn't even go by age group. Everybody just have different interests and likings. Always admiring all the wrong sorts of people - married/out of the age range. And I happen to hear comments that I'm always scaring off guys my age. Destined to be single... which isn't much of a worry for now at least. Maternal instincts aren't kicking in because the thought of pregnancy and going into labour scares the shit out of me.

But the thought of living with my other half in a beautifully renovated house is just an amazing thought lingering in the mind. I want to design and live in a new house so badly...

The showflats in some new condo launches are really luxurious...and tempting me.
Everything in SG requires so much money... house+car, the 2 assets I can't live without. When will I achieve the financial independence to purchase these? Not any time soon, but the results will be the baby step to all of these, which makes me wonder, I'm just going to be like any other typical working executives out there slogging for such material pursuits. But it's also the very same things that give me that sense of satisfaction that's very important to me.

I'm thinking so far ahead... and tomorrow is just another working day, yet again. 5 creeping days... to results.

Experience

2011-02-25T01:30:00.005+08:00

It's hard not to blog about work when my life is surrounded by work.

I have gained a lot of new perspectives and lessons from stress management to work competence.

To understand that I have been paid to do the job requires me to not demand compliments and signs of appreciation when a job has been done. I personally take pride in all my tasks and achieve satisfaction in completing jobs properly.

I have been learning a lot on how to handle my emotions in order to work professionally. For my direct superior to be throwing millions of tasks on me, I have learnt the art of saying orh/ok even if it seemed like I'm going mad. Putting on a straight face, quietly typing furiously and rushing things out have been the norm.

Now I sound like I'm typing reflections on my work experience. Ha.
Well, I realise I do seek structure and routine in everything I do.

I still wonder what I will do... A level results is the turning point. But what's the options?
Results are coming sooooon. Real soon. This work experience has changed a lot of my perspectives as a person. The world is still out there, left untouched and unexplored. There's so much to do, so much to experience. I'm glad I've had the chance to widen my perspective and not see things so naively.

I seriously wondered how I managed to keep a relationship going in the past with such a childish temperament. Maybe I'm going to think this way as well two years later. Everyday we're all changing, how can anyone expect someone to stay the same forever? Change is really constant.

I've stopped the monotonous working like I have no life. Enriching it with reading from time to time keeps me from being clammed up and self absorbed, and soon, unaware of the world. I'm glad I've made a change.

And, there's something for myself to note. I made my first mistake at work yesterday and I realise owning up and taking responsibility for it actually made it a whole lot easier for myself to learn from it. And I just happen to read an article about striving for excellence:

"We all make mistakes but what is important is how we recognise those mistakes, correct them and move on."

A good night's sleep always creates a fresh clean slate for me to begin a new day the next morning. Troubles are forgotten, grudges are erased. Really living and let live...Why does it seem so easy for me and so difficult for others? I know the answer sometimes, it's because I have always been indifferent to everything. And I wonder if that's a good or bad thing.

To-do list

2011-02-06T16:55:00.004+08:00

Notice that I have this to-do list at the right side of my blog. It used to be a really long list and I've deleted everything that I've done so far. There's 3 things that are outstanding and dying to be completed.

Why doesn't schools need relief teachers on long term? Only on urgent basis! I need the money, but I need the leisure time to do things in the noon which working full time doesn't allow. How how how?

My final theory is coming on the 8th feb. I hope to be able to book my TP test date end march or early april. Having the licence is just what's lacking right now. Damn.

I've only completed 10 practicals so far and my instructors have already been advising me to stop taking lessons (don't waste the money) and wait for the test date.

Then it's gonna be the results. RESULTS.

Climbing team, skate club, studies. Can juggle!?

Really cannot wait to start Uni life. I miss studying. It's so much more fruitful and meaningful to me than wasting my time away when I'm not working. I'd really treasure the next phase of my school life because it's gonna be the last lap before i'm plunging into the corporate world, and that's not gonna be as fun anymore.

Night out

2011-02-02T02:52:00.006+08:00

Having the experience still fresh in my mind and with thoughts swirling throughout the night, I have to store it somewhere.

There are many lifestyles that we can choose to lead. I've trodden from the rags to riches. Well, not the extremes yet, but I've got a myriad to share. Tonight could be a new experience on another level.

With CNY approaching and the last day at work before the long break when company cease its operations for CNY, the whole of my department decided to chill at some sleazy place, see some 妹妹, drink some beer/liquor, smoke some cigarettes(for me it has rather been inhaling smoke and being a major 2nd hand smoker). Personally I don't enjoy clubbing, loud music, drinking to get drunk, and whatever that makes one wasted. But I'm very fine and cool with hanging out once in a while to enjoy the experience and see the world outside.

Seeing those China 妹妹 throwing themselves, talking so sweetly, coaxing the men and just basically making them happy made me think of how pitiful their lives are. I may be in no position to judge, but how happy can they be taking up such jobs? It's such a competitive world out there, whatever it takes to earn a living, I guess any way works. But it is also because men love how whiny women are, they are willing parties as well, providing jobs for these 陪酒妹.

风水轮流转. Men demand women, women supply themselves right? I just can't take it that women are treated simply as objects that money can buy. When a woman throws a tantrum, men just throw some money at them to shut them up. That's how it is for sub-standard women who can take it lying down.

Tonight might be my first and perhaps last of such an experience. Honestly, I have made a wrong choice tonight, but at least, I've learnt something out of this. It's a good learning experience. But I don't think I'd want to do it again.

My life's just ain't that kind. I just can't seem to find myself enjoying it. Maybe being a good girl is my forte. A steamboat dinner would have been nice, just don't rub in my face. This 小妹妹 might be making decisions that may not be the best, but they are good learning points.

At the end of the day, such men have allowed me to understand why the value of family is not present. Is it really natural that men must be satisfied by women and that they can't be contented with one? The amount of money for one drinking session could have well be spent on much better things that yield better investments. I don't see how when men 雕花 for girls and spending few hundreds on the flowers would churn any returns except a kind of happiness that doesn't last.

I'm still placing family of utmost importance. Good men out there, please don't disappoint.

I will not give up fighting for whatever it takes until I experience the true meaning of family; this 6 letter word that has been forsaken by a broken family and taken for granted by a perfectly happy one.

Thoughts

2011-01-30T16:54:00.009+08:00

Though it has seemed like I've barely worked, it's been close to 2 months now.

I've learnt a lot of things about the work environment, about management in terms of people and work and just about generally how co-workers function in the office. It's a totally different world from school and I've matured from this experience. Adults deal with things different, and they deal with it professionally.

In school, friends or school mates could quarrel over insignificant things and such matters do not get solved over time, but it merely becomes gossip and everyone becomes judgemental about the said party involved. That's school.

In work, it's a whole different world. Any unhappiness could be kept within or voiced out to the superior and it gets solved. There's always a solution to the problems and there's no hate involved. Working is very professional. Being angry with work and being angry with the person delegating the work are two very different things.

You can talk to your boss about the work and the unhappiness from not being able to handle the work, but you can't insult your boss for giving you such work because he has the right to.

That's something very valuable that I've learnt. Many a times in school, we do not differentiate the wrongdoings and actions from the people. We accuse the person and scold or say them by insulting their pride. We pick at the person's integrity but we don't pick out what he/she has exactly done wrong.

Being scolded for one's actions is fine, because that can be changed. But when someone's pride has been pricked, it's a different matter altogether. Hatred and grudges will appear because it's after all one's character being taken upon on.

Saying "your work is not up to standard" is vastly different from saying "you are so stupid you can't even do such simple work right".

The former is pinpointing at the standard of the work produced, but the latter is downright insulting the person.

At the end of the day, it still boils down to the ability to differentiate what someone is scolding us about. If we lump it all together that the person is scolding our character and insulting us, then we'll never learn how to do something better.

So the next time someone scolds you, ask yourself, is he/she scolding your wrongdoings or insulting you as a person? Differentiate it and act on it accordingly. It's okay to make mistakes, but it's not okay to get insulted.

Likewise, if you feel unhappy about something/someone, pick your words carefully.

Target the matter.

By targetting the person, he/she will only end up getting defensive and the message you're trying to convey will not reach him/her.

Trust me, it's easy to say and remind yourself about it. But when things involve emotions, anger particularly, words that hurt usually come out first.

So be calm before speaking.

Words that are said in a fit of anger are usually very hurtful and degrading and they do nothing but make matters worse.

Hereafter

2011-01-26T03:36:00.003+08:00

I haven't been in touch with books and such that provide me with the vast wealth of knowledge I want to gain in this life time. And when I hear the advertisement(yes I don't even have time for the TV that my only connection with the media is the radio which i intermittenly hear when I reach home and bathe and go to sleep for that half hour aside from the newspapers) about the movie Hereafter, I thought I ought to give it a shot. Finally a movie that would be thought-provoking.

It's sadly disappointing because of the lack of drama and plot and I had to entertain my mind by over-analysing little details. Inception still stands as one of the most mind-boggling movie to me. Movies ought to be a more exaggerated and dramatic to capture the audience attention right? It's merely mundane.

I have a very interesting maid story from young. As for now, I am maid-less. And I think I have grown up and adapted to a new phase of GROWING UP. It's automatically my responsiblity, or at least I take it upon myself to make sure the house is still liveable. Endless questions of why my brother can't help out fizzle away after a while because I realise it's a losing battle. Coming home way past midnight and rushing out in the morning for work would just leave piles of clothes unwashed. If only my brother realises that and helps out instead of spending half the day at home watching movies.

Am I really growing up too fast? I'm getting impatient because my elder brother still hasn't taken up the responsibility as a man in the household. When is his turn coming?
That question is merely rhetorical, because I know it's not any time soon and as for now, it's a good learning process to shoulder up and learn to be a wife in future(that is if I even can get married).