Nurture potential

The greatest encouragement, I realised, doesn't come from just about anybody. Compliments might be rare in general while criticisms occur almost on a daily basis. I don't know if it's a form of motivation or the constant raising of the bar for me, I can't even remember the last time my mom said something nice about me. To think that the person who is the closest to me, is in fact, the greatest demoraliser if there is even such a word. Always nitpicking about little things, grousing just about everything, I am always under this label of a good for nothing.

First it was my A level results. True enough I'm disappointed with it, but I got over it and looked ahead. She has to tell the world how disappointed she is and how much I'm not up to her expectations. Then just recently with all the applications for universities, I'd wanted to include my work experience as well. So I had her read the recommendation letter written and commented by superiors I've worked with, just to give her an idea of the performance of my work and as a review of what colleagues thought of me. Instead of feeling proud of me, she took on an accusatory tone and questioned if I'm really as a good as the contents of the letter, if I could stand by it when questioned by interviewers if shortlisted. It was demoralising for a start in the amount of confidence she had in me, and the way she said it was as good as "you don't so ya ya papaya people say you like that only become proud". Perhaps she'd never knew me as being humble I believe.

I don't think it's incredulous for me to expect her to just break into a smile and at least say something encouraging because the letter is coming from a third party's point of view, and it's not merely biased opinions because more than 1 individual contributed to it. I really don't understand the point of bringing me down and questioning me like I'd crafted the thing to sell my soul to whatever Universities I've applied for.

It might have been these things accumulating, I seem to be making a mountain of a molehill now. While watching Secrets for Sale on channel U with her, after the supporting cast, Stanley, was exposed of his doings, she said "斯文败类!", and went on to point at me and say “你也是斯文败类的".

If it's merely a matter of insensitivity, I might be able to accept. I've been giving in, tolerating, not even saying anything defensive and simply remaining quiet, but it doesn't mean that I don't have any pride and i'm lying if I say it doesn't hurt me at all.

I had this conjecture that it might be the way all parents tend to behave to their children, because colleagues who are slightly reaching mid life and still don't have any children, have very different perspectives of dealing with matters and human emotions. Is it really such a changing process? Parents always say they want their child to succeed, but why when I shine, I get thrown back into dirt to start all over again?

Everybody always expects more, to break limits, to make breakthroughs. It's the art of kite-flying; letting go and reeling of the string at intervals to let it fly up high. It's not pulling the rubber band till it over-stretches and breaks.

Datelines

There's a reason why deadlines are spelt like that instead of datelines right? Hahaha.

I've been so busy again recently. It's like PW submission deadline happening but a prolonged process. Fluttering around everywhere, multi-tasking like crazy and basically just going crazy till the point where I couldn't stand the photocopying machine's slowness(which technically is quite fast).

Everything has been about speed, accuracy and precision. I have mastered the art of pressing the calculator like a skilled accountant. I have learned the trade of dominating the workplace and giving instructions. Ha. It's funny how I was instructing my direct supervisor to do things on my behalf. And I am concerned with completing tasks right away. If I don't go crazy soon, I think people in the office would think I'm a mad dog rushing and rushing every day. Meeting projects DEADlines after DEADlines.

Good stressing experience right? Having calls every hour or so, chasing and chasing and chasing.

Now I have settled down with all the deadlines, it's time to start calling people to chase them for quotes.

Vicious cycle.

I'm just wondering when I will start getting sick of being so stressed up. And I simply love it so much and i'm not even being sarcastic, but when it's so crucially stressful, I am forever calm and telling them to stop hopping around like a ticking time bomb. Okay now I'm starting to sound a bit crazy. I am amazed at how I remain absolutely calm except that people may notice through my actions being twice or thrice faster when I'm actually stressed. Okay, I shall stop being narcissistic.

Scholarship

I have had many things going smoothly for me for all the years in my life. Almost every practical driving lesson I had with various instructors gave me new insights to different requirements and expectations. One instructor which I particularly had the most lessons with loved to question me about academics related things. It was, in his perspective, helpful to gain some updated information about the education system as his children are slightly younger than me and would be going through the same path as me in time to come. One particular question he posed to me got me thinking. He asked if I had ever failed any national examination before, and I replied no. Then he knew about my job and how I got it due to relations. And he said something that struck me, "you really have everything going so smoothly for you in your life".

And since then, I've been thinking about it too. All through my schooling years, I've never been one of the brightest students or the average. I'm always floating somewhere in between the best and the good. Getting into recognised schools and always faring just above average.

I really have never had a setback before. Not a failure to deal with. Not even a crisis. Even though I might not be making it into those top courses, at least I'm still going into a recognised university. So pampered and sheltered in this life, I am merely hungry for knowledge.

The disaster in Japan seems so far away in my life, simply because I can't fathom it happening to me.

There has been so many things happening in the office. Changes and crises, politics and rumours. Humans are so difficult to handle. If I really had to trace all troubles to its root cause, it eventually leads to money. Money can never co-exist with humans. I don't know how it has made lives better, maybe physically more comfortable and convenient, but the quality of life has been going in the opposite direction. We are all quite absorbed in our own little world, always subconsciously thinking of other people's intentions and motives, especially negative ones, and jumping to conclusions on our own. The brain may have neurons to make these connections and associations very quickly, and it sure does have its down sides.

As I get older, I become more wary, more cautious of the world. The guard gets stronger and tougher to break. Trust is something so valuable. Like friendship, it requires years to build, but only a moment to destroy.

And for now, the largest incessant worry is the personal statement I need to write for NUS's scholarship application. An exceptional achievement that highlights my academic interests and intellectual capacity. Great. Any ideas, someone?

Post results

All the waiting and anxiety has come to disappointing results. I am too much of a perfectionist. When my name wasn't flashed for any of the 3/4/5/6 distinctions, my heart skipped a beat and I just imagined the worst. Overcoming the disappointment took a mere half a day and thereafter I began searching for my options.

Now I can't decide between SMU's Business Management and NUS Business Administration. Technically I don't have much of choice to be torn between these two because I don't meet the cut off indicative grade profile of NUS's. I just can't wait to start school, wherever it may be.

It's going to be another long arduous wait for the acceptance letter next.

Life is indeed full of surprises. I get over things much too fast and am always looking forward to whatever the future might hold. Really glad to have such positivity.

It's a big burden off my shoulders now with the release of the A level results.

Next is Traffic Police test on 18th March!