When the day comes...

Seriously, why do i feel as if Os are just over. Absolutely not "the WOOOOOOO O LEVELS ARE OVER!" kinda feeling. Why why why...

I think time passes too slowly when i'm not busy, and when i actually am busy, i realise i always have not enough time for a day. Isn't life a bit wasteful to be spent sitting in front of the computer surfing aimlessly wondering what to do? Three quarters of the time that i am at home, other than sleeping and eating, i'll be at the computer, now that's really a bore.

Prom night was pretty much about the company and atmosphere. The food was so not up to expectations except for the cakes and pastries. I think I kinda paid $50 for the DJ and emcee and the not really good air-conditioning of the ballroom. However, we all had a great night out after prom. The guardian angels were cute, the ang moh old guys were a little nerve tingling and the smoke was intolerable; but the new Taboo game that we played at Settlers' was the best. I'm too lazy to upload pictures though, they are all at facebook. 

I can't believe i'm finally moving on and out of secondary school. After 4 short years which seemed like yesterday that I was an innocent clueless little sec 1 student, i've graduated. 

Demure and resolute?

Maybe not.

But, one thing for sure:

once a TKGian, always a TKGian.

Crazy moments

I've been missing in action for a pretty long time, and though O levels are still not over, I'm already busy enjoying my life away. I can't believe I did nothing to prepare for Physics paper 1 except to read Miss Tee's little thoughtful note on which topics would be coming out on the very morning of my exam. How incredible. I have myself to blame for my poor memory of forgetting some concepts, but whatever the case is, i'm not really affected anyhow. 

I have been spending a huge load of my time with crazy oinkoink and nel before and after exams. We did many crazy stuffs. I can't wait for the 5 of us to do the christmas gift exchange! 

And I can't wait to finish off this week on a really high note, scream my guts out and whip someone who doesn't behave because she allows me to. After all that crazy high shit that I've done, i'll go have another round of blood pumping action and rewind everything all over again. After doing all those, I'll start to work at mom's office and let the money roll in. 

Then I'll think about what I should do after office hours and go have more fun. 

I want to go-kart, jet-ski, cable-ski, motorcross and all the wild shit ass fun stuffs that are exorbidantly expensive in Singapore, in another country. 

Maybe I should worry just a little bit about the last paper on Wednesday, don't you think?

Surprises or perhaps not

Today was really wasteful. I haven't done ANY productive studying and I feel guilty. I don't want to see the past repeating itself. My heart sank when I received my PSLE results. I don't want a second titanic on replay. Batman thinks i'm crazily hardworking for my Os; I think I'm not doing enough on my part. All I see for the last lap can be described as this: Focus. Just like what Warren Buffett stands by, without focus, he wouldn't be where he is today. Apart from that, I think I can find a balance between being emotional and goal-driven with the cold emotionless attitude. The crazy ride I'm on right now can be described as hard and bare, definitely no comfort to boast about; i push my mind and body to work like a machine.

I'll be going on a hiatus till O levels. Shoot me if you see me here.

I know i have self-control.

Every job is a self portrait of the person who did it.

I've learnt a lot about human, in particular the male gender. I need zest and life.

I've been led on a blind chase, I want to be the hunter, not the hunted.

2 weeks of study leave

It's rare for me to turn on the computer. Imagine this, I turn this machine on so rarely until it's kinda screwed. Sometimes it hangs, sometimes it can't even reboot; and it's perhaps only a year old! How Information Technology fail humans sometimes and we rely on it so much. 

3 weeks back my brother brought a stray kitten home.

We've brought her to a vet and got her groomed. She's coming 4 months old. Really really cute kitten. Bro wanted her to be named Sushi. Can you guys believe? This is my first pet! 

She's one active little furball, loves having interaction with human(that is when we disturb her) and inanimate feather balls. Knows very much how to meow nonstop when she's hungry and follows you non-stop. Miraculously, I toilet-trained her the very first time she poo poo. She's really smart. 

I was planning to go on hiatus until after the O levels which is on 12th November, but i couldn't resist putting up the pictures of Sushi. 

I've been so busy studying like I've never studied so hard in my entire life. (Apparently it's not very hard cos' I'm on the computer xD)

I took this quiz on FB. 

I hope it's not true. 

My thoughts and not anyone else's

All these times I've tried taking a back seat, keeping my cool and thinking through calmly before reacting. Friends who understand me very well will know something must have happened to me for me to react in a big way because I can handle my emotions well.

Right now it is a grey matter on who's the right or wrong one, because i can safely say there is no such right or wrong party. Just like there may be causes for things to happen.

If you ever notice the top right of my blog that says "If you don't like a culture, don't buy it. Create your own." Maybe this is what I am doing right now.

There is actually a cause to me being so irrational and angry. I am truly very angry, and I have never felt so much anger before for a long time. I'm sure you guys haven't heard WHY i am like that. Don't even assume the actions I did is linked to whatever you guys assume.

The main trigger factor that got me going was the day that Ruby was asked by Vic to leave her alone. To be frank, it wasn't the only single thing that made me so angry to stand up for a friend. It was all the things that have been accumulating in me all these while, but because i have learnt to compromise in order for people to be happy, i rather it remained that way. Why have things have to turn out like that? I'm still asking myself why I lost my cool because it is very unlike of me.

When Ruby was so upset about it, I was reminded of the very first time it happened to me very long ago. That time I wasn't that close to Vic and didn't understand her. Belle and I got told off by her to fuck off when she and Mel were at the 4th level toilet staircase, if i didn't remember wrongly, we received our English compo and she was upset about her marks and Mel was comforting her. That was the first time in my life someone told me to fuck off, I felt weird inside that I didn't do anything wrong and moreover Belle and I were looking for her because we were concerned. That matter soon was forgotten because Vic apologised the very day after school. I told myself that perhaps this is how she communicates with friends and accepted the way it is.

Subsequently as we became closer, I kept telling Pam and Tan that Vic has a nice character if you really understood her. Till now, I still don't feel I have judged her wrongly. There are many little things that need not be said but the actions can be felt.
I don't go out with her frequently, but the few times that I did, I feel like there's a part of me that's not me. I always thought when friends go out, we love to chill out at a place and talk about everything for hours. Girls' talks they call it. I know this is very individual and I felt like I wasn't good enough for Vic to go out with her. It was either a waste of her time if we didn't do any shopping and do something fruitful in her opinion. People's opinions may differ in some point at times, but as friends we compromise as a group to make everyone happy as a whole. I know everyone in the clique has done their fair share of compromising and closing one eye at times, forgiving and letting it go. But what i feel really upset about is how everyone of us has to listen to her likes and dislikes and compromise ourselves even to the extent of making ourselves unhappy. It's always her who has the power of authority, if she wants something, she will get it whether we like it or not.

I know some people don't want to voice out in case nobody supports their opinions. I might be wrong here, but i know everyone has eyes to see for themselves. How many times do you see Claire pleasing Vic just for the sake of making her happy? I don't think Claire likes making fun of herself and putting herself down for Vic's entertainment. How many times do you see Vic demanding for things to be done her way. No one gets a second word and all of us in the clique are used to it. Even I was used to it and i know Vic is like that.

I've thought really long about how friends should be. I've been bottling this up for long because i don't see the point in blowing it up when it's my individual opinion. If i'm not happy, it should be solely me who's not happy. I shouldn't influence people to think my way nor feed people information for which they can see for themselves.

Friends should be there to bring out the best in you and not bring you down to feel good herself. I cannot be myself totally because i have to constantly ensure that I don't offend Vic in any way. It's like a false pretense. I guarantee there are not many such friends you can find who brings out the best in you.
I've feel like I'm always the one giving in and not getting any back. It's not a mutual thing. And I'm sure Vic, you know what i'm saying. Even you say it for yourself that i'm always the one giving. I know i like to joke around about my valentine's day present, about the many senseless loves and blowkisses.
Each one of you can feel how sincere and genuine someone really is.

Remember the time when Vic's birthday was arriving. How much she whined about having to plan and everything being so last minute. All of us didn't want her to feel sad and put in effort to do a pre-party surprise for her. How much she meant to everyone is obvious here. If at any point here you feel that I wasn't sincere to you because of what i said, i was. If i wasn't i wouldn't go for pre-planned surprise, actual birthday bbq and post birthday dinner. All 3 straight in a row, just for your birthday. I treated you like i would to any friend i treasure, but i felt the more i gave the more miserable i am because i don't feel appreciated as time goes by. I need to feel that my actions are worth it. Who doesn't like praises at some point in their life? Constant criticism only weakens self-esteems. 如果你会做人你就不会把每件事当作是应该的.

I have nothing against anyone at all, I treasure and appreciate deeply what everyone of you has done for me and it's definitely not the end of any friendships, because if friendships end over some senseless things, then they shouldn't be called friendships. I just want to voice my unhappiness all this time that i've been experiencing. I haven't been the best of myself when i constantly feel as if i've been pressurized to please people and make them feel happy when i end up feeling miserable.
The very reason I got so worked up because I really cannot take seeing how friends around and even myself cannot be happy anymore. I need to put a stop to getting pushed around and to please people at the expense of my own happiness. Real friendships are more genuine when both parties are equally enjoying just the mere presence of each other without the need to feel careful about our speech and actions.