Biscuits

I feel a bit like you. Giving without returns. But somehow, conscience hurts a bit when reciprocation falls much shorter than even the basic requirements. I seriously lol-ed at myself for the illogical behaviour I don't usually have. I don't know how to even go about describing that feeling. That you ought to know better than that, yet, you just can't help yourself. And then you followed your heart. And then you felt hurt. I think this is being honest with oneself. Sometimes truth in reality does hurt. But we must not avoid seeking truth. I think if I replayed the whole scenario again, and knowing how the dots connect in the end, I would still do likewise. I guess that's the complexity of human emotions.

I was just thrown off guard. But I'll pick myself up again. There's a better tomorrow.

Post Gravical 2012

Honestly, the open women climbers made it look so easy. My stand still holds strong that I haven't reached their level yet, and I'm glad I'm still staying in this category. Actually today's routes felt as if they were a repeat of Pumpfest 2009 when the intermediate women category a bit failed or performed under Tonde's expectations. It could be because the girls really aren't up to par yet. I guess the girls really have a long way to go before reaching international standards, plus, not many as compared to the men, are as dedicated to hardcore training. I dare say for myself I ain't obsessed yet. Just passionate, not obsessed. 

Feelings? I felt strong. I felt confident. But the wall threw me off. It cut me. It wounded me. It pumped me out so hard. I admit I didn't have a good start. First the announcer said we had 5 minutes before the commencement of the first detail of climbers. So we made our way to the wall. Before 30 seconds were up, suddenly, the announcer said we only had 1 minute left. I think it screwed my mind up because I haven't mentally psyched myself and planned the routes yet. Basically fumbling with wearing the tight Scarpas just in time to run into the grounds. Sigh. I didn't even have time for a pep talk to myself, or the rest of the girls. To me, the mental is so much so much more important than the physical performance on that day. It's my strongest aspect, and I didn't have the opportunity to fully exploit it. We all learn right? Through the hard way. The ever optimistic me is already looking forward to Boulderactive 2012. And, heh, Climb X. 

Content

The new school term beckons in a couple of days time. I spent some time these few days, idling about, counting my blessings, and making mental notes of how I would like to be for the new semester.
On top of that, I had some re-runs of the things I've done and smile to myself because I'd been silly. The process of growing occurs so fast that I'd been able to reflect and take a step back, giving the whole thing an overview, only to realise the naivety of my previous self, within such a short period of time.

You know, if we'd this mindset that every new month is like a new year, we'd be so charged throughout the year to start afresh, to remember our little goals, to remember to hang in there, and achieve what we'd set out to do. We start the year all determined to be the perfect goal-driven person, but end up on a downward slippery slope of a lack of enthusiasm and major procrastination as the year cumulates. And at the end of the year, we realised we haven't really achieved what we'd intended to. Sloppy attitude.

I've gotta readjust some of my priorities with school activities. Poking my hand into many things only divert the finite amount of attention I have. No more working part time and no more taking part in case competitions. With Boulderactive 2012 and renovation of the new place, I think it'd just be perfect to complement my studies.

We'd started some shopping for the interior decoration of the place. The 6 months will fly by. I'm hanging in between modern and european theme. Although there's still time, I ought to go about getting some inspiration and ideas. Not exactly the most creative person, I still hope to create another paradise of my own.

What's there to complain about in life when we're kept productive and busy? And amongst all these, I still devote that little time to improve on myself. It has got nothing to do with anyone. I just like to be a better person. I don't expect the world to become a better place, nor expect people to become nice overnight. I just need myself to not stay stagnant.
Which, I think is a blessing in disguise that I've not renewed my season parking for the new school term. Because I will spend those pockets of time travelling, reading for such knowledge.

Dream Catalogue

It's not frequent that I remember my dreams, yet there are 2 dreams fresh in my mind even after I'm back to my conscious state. 

The dream that I had when I was sleeping last night was a really scary near-death experience. I was with someone whom I don't remember, and we were apparently in a construction ground. Suddenly a huge crane came towards us from high up above, with razors at the end. I remember ducking to the ground, bracing myself for death. The seconds slipped by, the sounds were extremely close, yet nothing happened. I was still alive. I woke up. I've never had such dreams before. The feeling of death felt so close.

Just now as I was taking an afternoon nap, which I seldom do also, I had a dream that happened in a movie theatre. I had apparently booked 2 tickets for myself and another person. Then, when it was time for the movie, Nel and Nah turned up and joined me without even paying for the tickets. While the other person I booked the ticket for, didn't. I kept thinking to myself, did I not mention the movie and its timing? Why isn't the person here? Why? Maybe I most likely didn't. Sigh. And I woke up. 

I have a feeling these dreams will stay in my mind for a pretty long while seeing that I still haven't forgotten them till now. When dreams happen, they happen at such rapid intervals. When they don't, they stay dormant for a long while. 

Above the usual

For the short 20 minutes airbone, I felt like I was in a place faraway. A place where reality fuzzes out and dreams take its place. Between the fluff and you, was simply a little glass window. You could almost reach out your hand to touch it. But knowing science, even if there wasn't a little glass window that divides dreams from reality, your hand would just flow right through it, almost as if it didn't exist. Simple sights created by nature takes my breath away, especially when I least expect it to. Just a plane ride, and I felt like I was being transported into another world.

We indulge in movies particularly, to take us into another world. The escapist in us showing itself time to time in the books we read and in the movies we grace. I never had that side to me. Or perhaps, I never see myself to be one.

But just this holiday season, I wished for myself to be away in another world, with nothing else and no one else, but the majestic nature and its sounds.