Delicate balance

You can tell the strongest of person not in his physical strength, but in his unfaltering commitment to stand by his beliefs despite all temptations flying his way. Living up to my own expectations is just as tiring as fulfilling it can be. And when I decide to strip all expectations I have of other people, I am able to be the most truthful person to myself in accepting that there can not be such thing as perfect. The simple joy of impressing myself over and over is enough for sustenance of the soul. Somehow, I have for once, managed to centre the balance in knowing when to expect more from myself and knowing when to be contented. I really revel in this moment in life. Giving it my best shot is the most I would expect of myself, and the rest will fall into place. I've learnt to take the backseat and not assume control of every detail in my life.

Another serendipity moment

This semester I have clearly set out my priorities of reducing distractions and giving more focus to my studies which really is the sole reason why I'm in a University. With climbing in my life, I have little time and energy for anything else. These 2 were more than enough to keep me busy if I were to perform equally well for both. On top of those, I would take the organising of Boulderactive as my part-time work which requires a little bit more of my time but not as demanding as my 2 main priorities.

I feel like I have made the right decision and learnt from the mistake I made in Sem 1. How very ambitious of me, I went head first into my first Business Case Competition organised by NUS-Shell 1/2 months after matriculation. As I initially had the idea that my timetable for school wasn't very tight, I happily committed myself to working part-time once a week at an audit firm. With that, I also had to juggle 3 times a week training for climbing. So basically, I had a ton of projects week after week, with basically no time to even study properly at all. What happened? My grades sucked, I was almost soul-less, and I basically wanted to kill myself for making such silly decisions of wearing myself so thin. But all of these, I couldn't just say I want to quit halfway. So I saw myself through the crazy sem. And I thought I was going crazy too.

So, even a fool would learn his lessons, I have learnt mine too.

I am not usually one to keep my head in the clouds, but I assure you, everyone has his moment of wishing for the moon.

It was 3 years ago, when I first paid attention to this little wish. Knowing that it was highly impossible, I entertained it only on an intermittent basis.
You know the saying of wishing for the moon? And even if you don't get to the moon, at least you'll land among the stars?
It's really a pleasant surprise to be surrounded by the stars, especially when I least expected it.

I cannot be more content.

Carpe diem

One thing that stuck with me with what you’ve said:

I’d rather have more “oh wells” than “what ifs” in my life. 

And though this is making me go beyond my usual comfort zone, I’m really curious to see where I’d go with this.

Sibling Love

There's something in me that can't resist showering my brother with gifts. Call it sister love if you will. But I never knew I was capable of loving my brother in such a way. I think as much as I speak badly about him and disapprove of his lifestyle, he very much remains to be the only brother I can ever have.

I have since lost count of the number of times I walked past shops thinking how nice this shirt will look on him, or how nice this pair of shoes will suit him. The lingering thought of how he consistently doesn't have enough money to buy necessary things like these to pamper himself. Or perhaps he chooses to pamper himself in other self-deprecating ways I dislike. 

The point is, I have unconsciously forked out so much without so much a thought as long as it makes him happy, which I think is really nice because I enjoy surprising people sometimes. But I don't know how much of it does he really appreciate.

The only times he cares so much to sit beside me and talk to me are the times he asks me meekly for some money to tide him through till his pay comes again. I am like his second mother who would sustain him because his real first mother has given up hopes on the way he handles his finances. I gave him a long reasoning of how I should not be acceding to his requests time and again whenever he runs out of money because I am merely condoning his inability to manage his finances properly and I will always be his safe harbour providing this ultimate reliance. What if the next time he demands not hundreds but thousands to tide him through? As much as I will be able to have such spare cash on hand to give, I don't know how I am helping him in any way in teaching him how to manage well for his future. 

But oh to my weak soft heart, I gave in again after the long reasoning. Why, oh why do I feel like a mother talking reason with her son knowing he's merely sitting there treating it as a 'nagging' phase before getting the money on hand. 

Sigh. 

I ask myself if I have ever received anything from him thus far, and the answer is no.

I just keep a hand made birthday card I received from him when I was in Primary school. And you have no idea how valuable that little card is to me. 

The things we all take for granted in life. I will still continue to give with no expectations though. But how to handle this awkward situation where I am putting myself on the line of not receiving allowance if I continue to condone his spendthrift ways?

Status

Our interesting St Patrick's Day conversation on Saturday at Starbucks with the 3 of them, P, R, C (hahaha) led me to this post on the importance of having a status in a relationship.

Chanel almost died in anger (lol) trying to defend her stand on having one while Pam and I supported the prolonging of the official-ness. Quoting P's current situation is like my ideal state I'd want to pursue too - of finding out more about the person, learning about his quirks, dating for as long as possible, before becoming officially attached. But then again, like Chanel mentioned, what would actually define officially attached if everything that you do during the process of getting to know each other better is actually equivalent to being officially together? The focus of her point was the hurt that would occur regardless whether there was status to the relationship or not.

I realised that we tend to take things very quickly when we happen to find someone we think might be the one. The heartbreak that occurs is really no less than being in an officious relationship anyway. This is the top reason why I support the whole process of really knowing someone, and falling for your best friend, than going heart-first, adrenaline-rushed relationship which probably wouldn't sustain when the trough will occur some day. And I still believe in people standing by you during adversities. Many truths of a person appear during that difficult period. And since life isn't all that smooth all the time, the longer the duration you get to engage with a particular person, the more you see the realness of one.

One good example, I took a good 6 years to uncover a truth I never knew from a friend I thought I knew so well. Such is the reality. And I have become more judging than perceiving over the years, which means it's pretty bad because it was a huge disappointment to know something about the person I didn't think he would ever have been.

But I still believe in the goodness of many people. And I think I'm really lucky to be in the company of my few close valued friends who can always pick up where we last stopped.

Interesting article I came across somewhat regarding this. I actually agree with it. Ha!