我要快乐

Love can surprise us.
Bad or good surprises?
There is so much i have in my mind that i can't take it anymore.

When i try to think clearly and put in my best to be level-headed. I just shut the doors of my mind and give up trying.
I'm so numb. I really am so numb from everything.
I want something new. But i'm afraid of changes. I'm afraid of losing. Yet, neither sides are winning nor losing. Tell me what to do?
I thought i felt love. Then the next moment, my world crashed. At the end of the day, it's money again.
I feel like dirt. I feel like trash. I feel like a jerk. Because i can't even help myself, and i want to help everyone else. Do we really do things for the benefits of others? Or purely for the benefits of oneself?
I can't afford to make any mistakes. But i don't know what really is the context of this mistake? So how do i even avoid it?
Tell me....

I had enough of shouting. I had enough of quarrels. I had enough of being angry. I had enough of being sad. I had enough of being tossed around. I had enough of always being the messenger. I had enough of being the mediator. I had enough of playing the bad and good person all at once. I had enough of trying to act as if i'm fine and that i don't give a damn.

I hope one day it'll all end. The day is nearing.
And i might lose something i held onto for so long, went through so much hurt and torture in the mind.
我比困扰还跟困扰.
All of a sudden, i can't even help myself out...

Is this the end of my family?

Ever since, i never once stopped myself from tearing inside whenever i see how much love a happy family spreads. I feel empty... in one little corner of my heart.

I'm at a loss of what to do...
I just want happiness... and a happy.. family. I don't know how to make this possible. I can't even try now. I don't have the courage.