Responsibility

Accidentally chanced upon a sermon on "taking responsibility for your life", I got hooked onto Andy Stanley's delivery. Westerners really tend to speak with much more intonation and emphasis that it's quite nice to listen to how they make words come alive. But that's besides the point. The main point here is this message that he was trying to convey.

One idea that stuck with me... is this.

Anytime an individual acts irresponsibly, somebody has to come along to clean up that mess.

Everytime there's a conflict, be it in a family, a community, a relationship, a company, draw a pie. Then draw a slice of the pie in which you think you are responsible for this conflict. Everytime, that slice, is going to be small. We are always focused on how small our slice really is, but really, how much responsibility are we taking? Really. It's not about how much he and she is doing this or that. It's about yourself. Look at yourself. How much can you do to be responsible for this. Stop the blame game. It only creates conflict. Where there's blame, there's often shame. And there's often guilt.

How many times do you hear someone say "It's my fault, I am responsible for what happens." But a minute somebody begins to use blame, do you ever have more respect for someone who blames someone else? Blame is a way to shift responsibility. How good do you actually feel when you have blamed your way out of something?

Start taking responsibility for your life. We were designed to take on responsibilities. We feel good when we are doing well in our responsibilities. Start taking responsibility for your life. Your irresponsibility eventually becomes someone else's responsibility. And we feel worse off. Why do we want that? We derive happiness from being responsible. We take pride in our responsibilities.

Moving

Be Prepared to Feel Uprooted

You're going to be living in chaos for a while, with boxes everywhere and things feeling out of control. It's normal to be upset when you can't find the spatula or the crockpot; just remember to consult your lists and know that you're organized and on track for this move. You've done the work, and even though there's still more to go, it will get done.
And when you move into your new home, also remember that it'll take a while for this new space to feel like your own. Give it time. Give yourself time to settle in.

And remember to breathe...

Credits

I'm feeling the stress, the louder voices, the shorter spans of patience already. It's going to be very draining. But looking at how Sushi can be so peaceful sleeping on the empty floors allows a tranquil sense of peace to wash over me, like how I love picturing my worries and troubles being washed away when I shower at the end of the day. Therapeutic moments incorporated into my daily life. Thankful for that.

Roses

When we focus so much on our pursuits that seem so hard and far-reaching, we spiral down into the thorns amongst the bushes, failing to realise, that just right there amongst us together with the thorns, are the fresh red roses awaiting to be admired and appreciated.

I am glad I have stopped myself in this senseless pursuit of mind-boggling studying, to catch up with my inner self and friends who matter.

I do realise the opening of many doors after the closure of some... if I bothered looking out for it.

Events are always happening, the perceptions we have are more important than the events themselves. More so, because we can control how we perceive and react to it, and to focus on the silver lining instead of the loss. I'm so impressed with you Pam, because after so long, I'm not even ready. Two years and more, and I feel like I haven't moved much from point one. Sometimes you guys place me too high on that pedestal of emotional maturity. I am not as great as that. Words are easy, actions aren't.

Sad reality

I laugh in sad amusement that person A goes after person B and person B doesn't reciprocate but goes after person C and it keeps going on. Somehow, I don't know why there ain't no circle in this endless pursuit.

Positivity

In an attempt to break the cycle of negativity and weariness I've been feeling these couple of weeks, I dedicated some time to re-read some inspirational books that have been hiding in those dark cupboards untouched for quite some time now. Even the pages have turned yellowish, but the wisdom it contains never mellow with time.

"There is nothing noble about being superior to some other person. True nobility lies in being superior to your former self. If you really want to improve your life and live with all that you deserve, you must run your own race. It doesn't matter what other people say about you. What is important is what you say to yourself. Do not be concerned with the judgement of others as long as you know what you are doing is right. You can do whatever you want as long as it is correct according to your conscience and your heart. Never be ashamed of doing that which is right; decide on what is good and then stick to it. Never get into the petty habit of measuring your self worth against other people's net worth. Every second you spend thinking about somoene else's dreams you take time away from your own."

To combat my fatigue emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually, this very excerpt has been resonating in me ever since:

"You truly cannot afford the luxury of even one negative thought. A worrisome thought is like an embryo: it starts off small but grows and grows. Soon it takes on a life of its own."

Been trying to embrace life's events as the way they are, without judging it with polarity. They are neither good nor bad. They are merely life's experiences to grow, to learn, to enjoy. Forget about the past, fret not about the future, live in the present and focus all the energy on the pursuits of what I really want now. Because if I keep having my sight on the destination, I have one less eye to focus on the journey of getting there.

Lift the spirits

Your presence is a gift to the world

You're unique and one of a kind.

Your life can be what you want it to be -

Take in one day at a time.

Count your blessings, not your troubles,

And you'll make it through what comes along.

Within you are so many answers,

Understand, have courage, be strong.

Don't put limits on yourself

Your dreams are waiting to be realised.

Don't leave important decisions to chance -

Reach for your peak, your goal, your prize.

Nothing wastes more energy than worrying -

The longer a problem is carried, the heavier it gets.

Don't take things too seriously -

Live a life of serenity, not a life of regrets.

Remember that a little love goes a long way -

Remember that a lot goes forever.

Remember that friendship is a wise investment,

Life's treasures are people... together.

Have health, hope and happiness,

Take the time to wish on a star.

And don't ever forget for even a day...

How very special you are.

Thank you Ash.

Apart

Even weekends are undeserving enough to take breaks.

I really wished the elastic band I'm pulling on so hard right now won't snap back on me anytime soon.

"I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited

But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it"

Dreams

"The Cage of Dreams"

They didn't know that by sitting there watching the day go by, their biggest dreams were being trapped between the lines and the reflections...

Credits

You know what's even better than chasing your dreams? It's doing it while holding the hands of the one you love the most. Cliches like that have gotten me reflecting the changes that I've been subconsciously experiencing. It must have been the family upbringing, or that of my mom's in particular. The notion of success at a young age has been drilled into me. I have been designed to succeed in my life. Chasing dreams that I thought were mine... she has so skilfully conditioned my mind to pursue the best that I can be.

I have been hungry for knowledge, hungry for satisfaction and this insatiable appetite has been powered by an insane amount of drive to pursue my goals with slight falters. The accumulation of wealth and possessions, I once thought, would signify a mark of achievement. I thought it gave me satisfaction. And only until recent months... or probably slightly over a year, I have marked changes in the way I pursue things in my life. I have always sought for spiritual fulfillment. Filling up my soul with books of wisdom from an early age, I was contented with my comfortable life.

As I get busier with all my commitments, I have been rethinking the priorities in my life. Why have I, like everyone else, been sucked into this rat race of life? Of pursuing monetary gains, thinking it would eventually lead to satisfaction and ultimately happiness. Every waking moment of my life, I am spending it thinking of ways to earn more money. I want to complement it with my studies and pursue much more than peers would do at my age.

However, I feel a distance now and then. As I achieve more and more in my life, I don't find myself getting happier. I am getting wearier, almost as if thinning my soul. I feel just like a machine, powered to achieve perfection and precision. It gets so cold sometimes. Almost as if when I picture myself, I see a reflection of a shiny cool metal, gleaning in the distance.

I haven't felt warmth and love in a really long time.

I need to find my calling, I want to fill my soul up... it's been empty far too long. I don't know where to start. As much as I want passion and purpose in my life and having peace and serenity occasionally settling within, I find that these have been insufficient. I have lost myself chasing my dreams, which I suspect, probably aren't my dreams anyway...

Been once too many

http://www.theyearsareshort.com/

It touched me.

Because I had my own fair share of a single bus ride with my mom to kindergarten on a cold freezing morning with the windows all misted in the bus. It was my only time sitting on the bus together with her, huddled up close. It reminds me of myself calling her every day asking her the time to be back home. The moment when I would burst out the doors and throw myself into her arms when she came back.

Moments of love.

How I miss that, oh so much.

Why do we act like we don't care when in fact we just want to be coddled like a baby. Why Jac... why.

Long

The art of giving, in its most beautiful form. To give, to embrace the giving process and to radiate happiness whilst giving. Because the best giving exists in giving without any expectations of return.

Giving

The past week has been hellish for me. I have reached this stage where I'm behind school work, disorganized in my filing and everything is just a clutter. I'm dealing with everything at a time, trying to clear the present mess because I see the chaos behind and I don't want all of this to cumulate and tumble down on me.

I have been doing the exact same thing as the above. And honestly, it feels good only to a certain point. I have went past that point, and everything is a little out of control. I want to be so much for so many people. I don't want to disappoint myself. But I'm breaking myself down a little bit in this process.

As I allowed myself to be overwhelmed by my emotions and all the wild thoughts flying in my mind, I finally managed to muster those warm tears to fall. It feels good to ponder upon the day at night in bed, drawing closures to the thoughts and ending it with a river flow. I wish I could cry more often.

Feeling helpless at times, the desire to just lay on someone to defend the world for me is quite the urgent need for now. But I have only myself to depend upon. Why be so strong sometimes, Jac? Where's my safe haven in this world of constant battles for nothing? The answer lies in the sweet scent of my bed, the soft nothingness that won't respond and judge when I cry into those pillows. Where's my hand sewn human-sized bolster? I need it.

Why?

我好像在期待奇迹出现.

Love

There have been so many coincidences. Ruby thanks for having this on your blog, I can totally relate to this so so much.

the vulnerabilities in us is
what makes us human and not machines.
The feeling of pain reminds us that we are alive,
that we feel,
and it compels us to do greater stuff.

You always remind me that I am the sensitive and caring Jac, that I have so much capacity in me to love. Because I always doubt myself in this area, I always feel like a machine. I do what is best and right, not what my heart wants me to. Thanks for reminding me who I am.

Threading on a thin line as if on a tightrope, only there ain't no mats or nets to catch my fall and if I do fall, it's into a deep darkness that I can't even see the bottom of it. Setting the first step out now I can't just turn around and go back to safety, it's near impossible, that would just make me fall right down into nothingness. As wild as it might be, I enjoy the thrill it brings. I want to feel alive. I want to feel what raw pain is. Not to self mutilate, but for my heart to feel its depth. I have been skimming the surface of my heart, sweeping everything under the rug whenever I feel anger, sadness, shame. I want to feel so much pain that it makes me cry out. I want to feel so much joy it makes me a warm person to be around. I want to give everything I've got and if I had to fall, I want to fall down hard, real hard. So that I can call it a valuable experience, something that makes me stronger. I'm tired of protecting myself, I want to feel real emotions.

Let me fall... if I am going to. Right now, I feel so hard to cry. It really sucks. I almost forgot what tears are. And I want the warm feeling rolling down my cheeks, I want to feel.. human.

I want to peel myself open like an onion, layer by layer, let it sting the eyes, let the tears roll. Because then I know that it's real.

Beginnings

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

I have never thought of entrepreneurship in the past, okay, maybe I did have some lingering thoughts here and there. But nothing has ever been conceptualised in the end anyway, nor have I given much thought to it. As I attended the official launch of the 13th Start-up @ Singapore, I decided to give myself more room to think about the opportunities there are available. Not that I have to be doing something now, but at least I know what kind of opportunities there are out there. Hearing Edward, the founder of Timbre group, speak about his social mission and the reason for the chain of F&B/Music lifestyle outlets, did inspire me a bit on the things people strive to pursue in their lives. That if you have the passion for it, it didn't matter what you were doing, because you are going to do great in what you love doing.

Many thoughts came flooding in, I visualised providing a niche service for the dead, or a product & service in the interior design industry. It gets me excited looking at all the detailed layout plans and autocad drawings of conceptualised residential properties. But the market for this industry is already quite saturated. In fact, it's too saturated. And I don't want to end up as a contractor which most likely will be termed that way in the ID line, unless it's focused purely on ID consultancy job. But the satisfaction comes from seeing nothing to building something spectacular right? Then, the niche service, I don't know anything about the market for that service. It's too niche, it's too new an idea. Which is probably a very good thing.

I hope to start work soon, going for my first job interview ever on Tuesday. Exciting to be back to the corporate world, that is, if I get the job.

Solitude

Does it signify independence? Confidence? The ability to enjoy the company of no one else's but your very own. I find myself at peace being alone. In moments like these, I start to contemplate over current events, draw lessons from past events, and then continue thinking about thinking. After conversing with Nah, whom refuses to read my blog, she's shed light on a different perspective. Something that I've been needing. It feels refreshing and gives me more room to contemplate further the decisions I pursue. Some which I continue standing by, and others, I start questioning why.

I am so conservative, so undaring to try new things, too laidback, and overly routined in my life. Would it be that mundane? I don't know what makes up a good injection of excitement. It takes so much to get me on the ball. Though, I enjoy spontaneity in things I do, occasionally surprising people with the things I do and say which they don't normally expect.

I don't know man, as much as time is a great deadener to many things, it's so helpful to have more time to rethink priorities in life. Sometimes I wonder if what I do right now is the right thing... which I guess I'll never know till I look back.

Rememberance

Happiness existed in various forms. I was happy, have been happy, am still happy. I have always reminded myself of sanity. I'd want to live in the moment, to live for now. Sometimes I do things I cannot fathom I would do, maybe because I want to surprise myself and see how far I'd go at this. It's the little thrills, deep contentment, appreciation, sometimes a little bit more hopeful than certain days. Then other times melancholy sets in only so to remind me what happiness is.

I need to constantly remind myself of how much I have already been, and now I need to push myself out, to find out how much I can become. Though there may be uncertainties, I hope to be able to be in control.

It's a challenge, I want to come out stronger... than before.

And the thing about studies. Lost a little bit of drive in wanting to pursue excellence, perhaps the attention's been redirected at other things I thought are more important than grades. I'm on the look out for better job opportunities. Hoping to find work that I haven't previously touched before at a different industry. I wish I had all the time in the world to freely choose when I could attend lessons and go to work more frequently. Makes me appreciate the lessons more than I would do now.

This voice of Steve Jobs constantly reverberates.. "if you have been waking up too many times dragging your feet, it's time to rethink what you really want in life".

The rawness of opening a closed heart invites as much pain as it does contentment.

Up

Something to get me started. A moment in life to remember. Words coming out that flow like the river. It was ever so natural. I have transcended boundaries I never knew I could.

I feel so blessed.

In a month's time, I will have a new environment. Life keeps changing. The dust all kicked up before it could even settle. It's always good for my learning experience. Because since I suck so much at adapting to new environments, the more I allow myself through the process, the better I will come out of it. I see a tiring month ahead. But the silent voice eggs me on.