Change is only constant

My heart ached quite badly last night. I felt like crying, to make myself better, but I couldn't find a reason strong enough to let the tears fall naturally. I just felt all weird inside. I realised there are so many changes in my life since I started work.

There's no routine, or at least, not to my liking. I take effing forever to adapt to new changes and the transition process sucks. Now it's practically working and working, and on the weekends, I have absolutely nothing much to do. Friends have seemed like a completely lost idea except for the fact that Chanel is like my other soul who sticks around 24/7 whether it's physically or emotionally(seeing each other at work/off work/talking on the phone when we don't see each other).

I kinda hate the fact that my social life is gone. Friends from school? Friends from skating? It's been quite a small world for me, now the world has apparently vanished into thin air.
I appreciate the work experience I'm getting right now, but the other aspects of my life are literally crumbling in front of my eyes.

Having been single for so long, I don't even fancy being in love now. But sometimes seeing how some couples are so happily in love, makes me feel like I can be like that. But if we really considered all these, I confide in Chanel practically almost everything so we should really be on our way to making couple tees. Ha ha ha. Just like what we both agree on, the feeling is different. But we just enjoy the freedom of singlehood, of not reporting to someone our movement, of not being controlled by another person.

I want to make a change in the way I go to work. Being on time for work and leaving when I'm not required or when boss says it's ok to go is this perfect picture in my mind. The reality is that my mom goes to work real late, and I follow her so I end up being real late. And my boss is not happy that I'm late because my job scope requires me to be on time to complete tasks within working hours. And thereafter my job ends for this direct boss in the projects dept, I go on to help do little things here and there for my mom after my office hours. So technically I'm on average working way past the required 7.5 hours a day. It's killing me because we get home so late that I have insufficient rest to recharge for the next day for my proper job at the projects side. So much grouches.
And I was thinking even if I get my driving license by 18th march, it wouldn't change much if I drove myself to work at 930am and leave my mom back at home with no transport to work.
We need to work something out, and getting my mom to wake up to go work at 930am is like wishing for money to drop from the sky. Sigh.

I'm pretty confident results will be out on 4th march. Judgement day. All sorts of thoughts running through my mind, majority being the negative ones. It's because I have already got everything worked up with the concept that I'm aceing my A levels and not thinking of what's going to happen if it doesn't turn out that way. Maybe that's why i'm fretting.

There's so many different kinds of people in the work environment. Sometimes I wish I could crawl back into my safe nest and trust everyone and allow them to take care of me like a little baby. But I know... it's time to grow up.

It sucks growing up. Responsibilities... I have to take them up some day. Gonna commit myself to contributing to the utility bills from the next month onwards which makes up $200 gone from my pay and a further cut because of CPF contribution. Not that I spend so much, it's about time to read up on financial planning as well. Adulthood is beckoning.

Time is just slipping by...
What I really miss like hell are nights out with mommy at fine dining places, less hard liquor(or none at all) and more time for myself to read books in bed all day. I haven't even start on clubbing yet, and I don't even want to begin anywhere.

Health risks and the very fact that I don't even enjoy all of these... why must I go through the teenage years? I just wanna sip cocktails and listen to jazz/classics/instrumental and splurge at nice dining places. It's the life of the late 30s/40s or maybe I shouldn't even go by age group. Everybody just have different interests and likings. Always admiring all the wrong sorts of people - married/out of the age range. And I happen to hear comments that I'm always scaring off guys my age. Destined to be single... which isn't much of a worry for now at least. Maternal instincts aren't kicking in because the thought of pregnancy and going into labour scares the shit out of me.

But the thought of living with my other half in a beautifully renovated house is just an amazing thought lingering in the mind. I want to design and live in a new house so badly...

The showflats in some new condo launches are really luxurious...and tempting me.
Everything in SG requires so much money... house+car, the 2 assets I can't live without. When will I achieve the financial independence to purchase these? Not any time soon, but the results will be the baby step to all of these, which makes me wonder, I'm just going to be like any other typical working executives out there slogging for such material pursuits. But it's also the very same things that give me that sense of satisfaction that's very important to me.

I'm thinking so far ahead... and tomorrow is just another working day, yet again. 5 creeping days... to results.

Experience

It's hard not to blog about work when my life is surrounded by work.

I have gained a lot of new perspectives and lessons from stress management to work competence.

To understand that I have been paid to do the job requires me to not demand compliments and signs of appreciation when a job has been done. I personally take pride in all my tasks and achieve satisfaction in completing jobs properly.

I have been learning a lot on how to handle my emotions in order to work professionally. For my direct superior to be throwing millions of tasks on me, I have learnt the art of saying orh/ok even if it seemed like I'm going mad. Putting on a straight face, quietly typing furiously and rushing things out have been the norm.

Now I sound like I'm typing reflections on my work experience. Ha.
Well, I realise I do seek structure and routine in everything I do.

I still wonder what I will do... A level results is the turning point. But what's the options?
Results are coming sooooon. Real soon. This work experience has changed a lot of my perspectives as a person. The world is still out there, left untouched and unexplored. There's so much to do, so much to experience. I'm glad I've had the chance to widen my perspective and not see things so naively.

I seriously wondered how I managed to keep a relationship going in the past with such a childish temperament. Maybe I'm going to think this way as well two years later. Everyday we're all changing, how can anyone expect someone to stay the same forever? Change is really constant.

I've stopped the monotonous working like I have no life. Enriching it with reading from time to time keeps me from being clammed up and self absorbed, and soon, unaware of the world. I'm glad I've made a change.

And, there's something for myself to note. I made my first mistake at work yesterday and I realise owning up and taking responsibility for it actually made it a whole lot easier for myself to learn from it. And I just happen to read an article about striving for excellence:

"We all make mistakes but what is important is how we recognise those mistakes, correct them and move on."

A good night's sleep always creates a fresh clean slate for me to begin a new day the next morning. Troubles are forgotten, grudges are erased. Really living and let live...Why does it seem so easy for me and so difficult for others? I know the answer sometimes, it's because I have always been indifferent to everything. And I wonder if that's a good or bad thing.

To-do list

Notice that I have this to-do list at the right side of my blog. It used to be a really long list and I've deleted everything that I've done so far. There's 3 things that are outstanding and dying to be completed.

Why doesn't schools need relief teachers on long term? Only on urgent basis! I need the money, but I need the leisure time to do things in the noon which working full time doesn't allow. How how how?

My final theory is coming on the 8th feb. I hope to be able to book my TP test date end march or early april. Having the licence is just what's lacking right now. Damn.

I've only completed 10 practicals so far and my instructors have already been advising me to stop taking lessons (don't waste the money) and wait for the test date.

Then it's gonna be the results. RESULTS.

Climbing team, skate club, studies. Can juggle!?

Really cannot wait to start Uni life. I miss studying. It's so much more fruitful and meaningful to me than wasting my time away when I'm not working. I'd really treasure the next phase of my school life because it's gonna be the last lap before i'm plunging into the corporate world, and that's not gonna be as fun anymore.

Night out

Having the experience still fresh in my mind and with thoughts swirling throughout the night, I have to store it somewhere.

There are many lifestyles that we can choose to lead. I've trodden from the rags to riches. Well, not the extremes yet, but I've got a myriad to share. Tonight could be a new experience on another level.

With CNY approaching and the last day at work before the long break when company cease its operations for CNY, the whole of my department decided to chill at some sleazy place, see some 妹妹, drink some beer/liquor, smoke some cigarettes(for me it has rather been inhaling smoke and being a major 2nd hand smoker). Personally I don't enjoy clubbing, loud music, drinking to get drunk, and whatever that makes one wasted. But I'm very fine and cool with hanging out once in a while to enjoy the experience and see the world outside.

Seeing those China 妹妹 throwing themselves, talking so sweetly, coaxing the men and just basically making them happy made me think of how pitiful their lives are. I may be in no position to judge, but how happy can they be taking up such jobs? It's such a competitive world out there, whatever it takes to earn a living, I guess any way works. But it is also because men love how whiny women are, they are willing parties as well, providing jobs for these 陪酒妹.

风水轮流转. Men demand women, women supply themselves right? I just can't take it that women are treated simply as objects that money can buy. When a woman throws a tantrum, men just throw some money at them to shut them up. That's how it is for sub-standard women who can take it lying down.

Tonight might be my first and perhaps last of such an experience. Honestly, I have made a wrong choice tonight, but at least, I've learnt something out of this. It's a good learning experience. But I don't think I'd want to do it again.

My life's just ain't that kind. I just can't seem to find myself enjoying it. Maybe being a good girl is my forte. A steamboat dinner would have been nice, just don't rub in my face. This 小妹妹 might be making decisions that may not be the best, but they are good learning points.

At the end of the day, such men have allowed me to understand why the value of family is not present. Is it really natural that men must be satisfied by women and that they can't be contented with one? The amount of money for one drinking session could have well be spent on much better things that yield better investments. I don't see how when men 雕花 for girls and spending few hundreds on the flowers would churn any returns except a kind of happiness that doesn't last.

I'm still placing family of utmost importance. Good men out there, please don't disappoint.

I will not give up fighting for whatever it takes until I experience the true meaning of family; this 6 letter word that has been forsaken by a broken family and taken for granted by a perfectly happy one.