Sentiments of the young towards the old

As my work involved observing so many people day in day out, I have grown to take a special liking towards really old couples. Wrinkly. Hunched. Slowed-down responses and actions. But they stand side by side, sit together, eat together, a few exchange of words, and through it all, as a young adult, I could only try to grapple the many years that they have been through by standing afar and admiring the love that has transcended time and all its obstacles.

Many times, I wonder to myself if I will still hold onto another pair of wrinkly old hands, hunched, and share the simple joys of life.

They are an inspiration that marriage is not a doomed institution. A final destination. A beginning of an ending.

What will life hold? It contains the bits and pieces of the decisions we make every day.

How much do we treasure what we have?

"But I'm not sure, if our lives have been so different from the lives of the people we saved. We all complete. Maybe none of us understand what we've really lived through, or feel we've had enough time."
Never Let Me Go (2010)

Being in someone's skin

One of the best literature books I've studied is no doubt To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee when I was in Secondary School. I've gleaned a lot of valuable insights on what it means to lead a meaningful life of helping others, understanding their situations; despite all differences, overcome prejudice and treat them as equals. Till date, these lessons linger at the recesses of my mind.

I was reminded of this as I read the many stories for the past weeks. Some fiction, some non-fiction. And the little stories I read online as well. For that moment, you feel like you've walked in someone's path for a short distance. You feel what it was like to be them at that particular moment.
那瞬间的魅力。

I may have dispensed much advice to peers over the years on doing the 'right' thing, pursuing what ought to be pursued. But as I ponder over my own situation, I flounder helplessly because I have been consumed by what society dictates as useful.

I have lost a bit of my naivety and motivation to pursue this thing called happiness. The things that I devote to and invest my energy and effort gave me satisfaction, which in turn, translated to happiness for me. But lately, the more I read, the more I realised I have lost that child-like innocence that everything followed a simple logic - that as long as you did what was expected of you, and you do them well, you'd feel happy, because you know you have made others proud, and in turn, you feel good about yourself.

I have spent a good part of my youth walking around in someone's skin. Maybe then, I did find true happiness living up to others' expectations of me. But now, doubts keep surfacing in my mind, prodding me to acknowledge the new found feeling residing in my soul - that I am not as happy as I'd like to be, in all that I'm pursuing now. I never give up on myself nor do I ever look back and regret for not taking the alternative path. But sometimes as I stare off into the distance, I wondered how my life would have been like if I did go the other way. It may just be an innate occurrence that we'll always think the 'grass is greener on the other side'.

I don't even know what makes me happy now. As I try to create my own culture, I hardly have any inkling of what I'd like to have in it.
Much as the house renovations now, I have taken the backseat, even to the point of nonchalance to what happens. Relinquishing control is a different feeling that I've never had. I'm a person who needs to be anchored to stability and predictabilities, but always never taking for granted what there is.

I don't know if I'm feeling less content and gotten used to the mundanity of life. Maybe to the point of taking things for granted. Taking the prized education that I have for granted.

I suddenly feel not all that special anymore, that I have blended in with society, just another nameless face in the crowd.
Trying hard to find the individuality again, but where have all the zest gone to? I'm clueless myself too.

The Distance

Trying as it may be
When I return to where I thought was
Home.
Ought to be home
A place of security,
Warmth and love.
But all I feel;
Stress. Anxiety. Dejection.
Staring at the ceiling night after night
In the darkness
Feeling the only warmth,
Trickling down the temples
Of the face I've stared at for the past 20 years.
How much have you missed?
And I don't even know how much
All of that matters
Because...
There ain't no joy
In finding out how near the last straw
Can be.
So cold inside.


I've had enough of danger
I'm looking out for angels
Just trying to find some peace

Feel better

Remember, life will never be perfect, no matter how hard you try. Even if you pour your heart and soul into it, you will never achieve a state of absolute perfection. There will always be moments of uncertainty; there will always be days where nothing goes right. But as time rolls on you will learn that even the most imperfect situations can be made better with a little love and laughter.

Karma or Role Reversal?

Comparing the marriages of the past and today, it draws some drastic but telling truths of how the modern times have changed.

Wives, who have had their lives sold away to faraway husbands whom they only got to know at their wedding day, who, like unclean water tossed out of their very own household, got accustomed to the whims and fancies of their new companion. Brushing the tiles, cooking the meals, making sure the house stayed in pristine conditions for her husband when he returns home from work, before allowing him, even grudgingly, to fulfill his needs as all men do.

Some centuries later, we have men obligingly mopping floors, donning an apron and prancing around in kitchens, bringing in the dough, and still, gave in to their wives' demands.

They say what goes round comes round.

I can only laugh meekly as I enjoy the privileges of what being a girl means in today's society. But beneath that little amusement of mine, I have an appreciation for how men have adapted to times - the dawn of the S.N.A.G: Sensitive New Age Guys.

A little reflection

I've had many pockets of alone time to reflect on the now and then of things, but just never really properly sat down with the inspiration to let the words flow on this blog. They say the best writers are the most depressed ones. Because your words are impactful and emotional and you write great stories when you are at your lowest moments. I suppose I didn't have that much low moments except busy ones at that.

The culmination of events rolling about from the Finals of year 1 sem 1, to the happening of Boulderactive that has been organised since too long ago, to the closing of Boulderactive, to preparing for Ceuse. And life has seemed to finally slowed down now that I've finally posted out the shirts for Boulderactive.

Seeing how my bank account is almost dried up, never at any point in my life had I went past this new low, I am quite desperate to fill it back again and I thought I could give myself some time off to catch up with myself. Because I've been so caught up with others that I've neglected myself for way too long. Too long as with the lack of updates here.

I think there's something wrong with me. I just can't sit still and not do something productive. Something that's called work. I can't. I need to be up and about, paid or unpaid work, I just have to make some good use of the time I have on my hands. I need some rest, but my body keeps going and going.

The soul is lagging so far behind, struggling to catch up with how I have zoomed past everything in my life. It feels so weary and tired. So in need of a break. Adulthood beckons, and with it, all its responsibilities, that I've already had taken on since too young.

There wasn't enough time to just laze around, stare into space and just chill in Ceuse, as I thought a good break would have been. Packed from day to day, with little things to do every day, and all the little things added up to being something. I felt as equally busy as I've ever been in Singapore.


Some nights, I just like to feel the cool breeze in my face, and not think about anything for a moment.

Moments when you just wish life would come to a standstill, and you embrace that moment as if it was forever.