If I had to point out one part of me that defies the traditional traits that a girl ought to have, it would be this masculine part referring primarily to my spirit, drive, thinking, and ordering function.
"Modern civilization has evolved around the masculine principle of thinking over feeling, order over spontaneity, detachment over passion, correctness over authenticity, passivity over conflict, extraversion over introversion, law over spirit, head over heart."
I have to break the trance of my masculine reliance. What exactly is this reliance? Externally, looking for the answer and completeness through a man; internally, relying on my rational thinking function only, rather than feeling, rhythm, and wisdom of the heart, body and intuition.
This masculinity and femininity are not the typical outer forms of behaviour, beliefs and cultural norms. They are life force archetypal patterns, endowments and functions that are universal in all cultures in both men and women.
I have been neglecting my feminine function, the feeling function, that is. It is the visceral experience and participation, the ability to receive and to be in the flow of our natural rhythm and nature, to reveal and express at the right time, love, nurture and to be in the here and now.
But I do realise that the masculine principle still holds true today. Many are still in the pursuit of this. While the rest of you go in that direction, I will regress and embrace the other side. Because everyone is just different. Going with the flow at times may feel more right, but going against the flow brings more revelation to the personal self. I think that's of ultimate importance.
If you've been thinking that you've not been very feeling of late, maybe it's time to embrace the femininity principle as well. Vice versa if you've been feeling all the time and not embracing the thinking function.
Aside from dedication to my studies, I really honestly find more meaning in my life pursuing the deeper levels of my consciousness. And, I don't think I have gone crazy yet. Like the allegory of the cave by Plato, you cannot teach a man to be educated, he has to educate himself to understand what education means. And this experience remains only true to oneself.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Finding Yourself
I think it gets a little philosophical here. Of the works that I have been reading from the world's greatest psychologists/philosophers around, many of them propose things that aren't new to us. They merely propose ideas in ways that we have grown to not accept them.
Not many people can understand philosophy, neither can I, because of our own view that has hardened while we grow. Our thickened skulls filled with our own perceptions and beliefs cannot possibly accept the intuitively-wrong ideas that these philosophers present.
I was trying to explore the aspect of finding myself while falling in love. There are certain emotions that are so strong, that are beyond your control. And there are these particular situations where the more you try to have control over, the more you won't experience the fullness of it.
Having been accustomed to having quite a good grip on my emotions, when someone comes along who matters to me, I start losing control. I get so easily affected, be it in the positive or negative way. I have read a lot on responding to external stimuli. And I wished to create a second level of awareness in which I have the ability to step back and rationalise my actions and emotions. But the whole notion of love has got my ability to reason disappear.
The notion of falling in love is to be vulnerable. You let your heart down, unguarded, and allow the person whom you have fallen for to take it in his hands and care for it. Without having the knowledge of what "care" means to you in your own dictionary, you go ahead and take that risk.
I cannot do that. I've not been able to do that. Maybe that's why I don't like the unpredictability of falling in love. Is there such a thing as being past the passage of falling in love, and just be in love? Because being in love, you know the commitment of the person, and this commitment becomes undying. And with that certainty, I only dare put myself out there, because no matter what happens, this commitment will bound us as one.
I have almost peeled to the onion core. Why are you so good in allowing me to express myself in ways I never knew I could?
Not many people can understand philosophy, neither can I, because of our own view that has hardened while we grow. Our thickened skulls filled with our own perceptions and beliefs cannot possibly accept the intuitively-wrong ideas that these philosophers present.
I was trying to explore the aspect of finding myself while falling in love. There are certain emotions that are so strong, that are beyond your control. And there are these particular situations where the more you try to have control over, the more you won't experience the fullness of it.
Having been accustomed to having quite a good grip on my emotions, when someone comes along who matters to me, I start losing control. I get so easily affected, be it in the positive or negative way. I have read a lot on responding to external stimuli. And I wished to create a second level of awareness in which I have the ability to step back and rationalise my actions and emotions. But the whole notion of love has got my ability to reason disappear.
The notion of falling in love is to be vulnerable. You let your heart down, unguarded, and allow the person whom you have fallen for to take it in his hands and care for it. Without having the knowledge of what "care" means to you in your own dictionary, you go ahead and take that risk.
I cannot do that. I've not been able to do that. Maybe that's why I don't like the unpredictability of falling in love. Is there such a thing as being past the passage of falling in love, and just be in love? Because being in love, you know the commitment of the person, and this commitment becomes undying. And with that certainty, I only dare put myself out there, because no matter what happens, this commitment will bound us as one.
I have almost peeled to the onion core. Why are you so good in allowing me to express myself in ways I never knew I could?
Friday, February 24, 2012
Another thing a man should take note of
Honest opinions from a girl's point of view.
No matter how strong I am, I am still fearful for my safety in the middle of the night. It's not nice walking home alone with barely a soul (probably floating all around me) in the streets. I feel as if I'm on hunter mode, ears pricked, eyes flickering left and right, checking back so often, walking so silently so I can hear, in any case footsteps that are not mine.
No, it's not fun. I feel scared too you know. So people say, then don't go back so late. You're asking for it.
I know right. But it was a perfect opportunity for you to shine. Ain't it?
Knowing how to take care of a female friend is a great investment. I appreciate good friends who go that extra mile. Whoever even created the rule that only your partner can send you home?
I believe if someone cared that much, regardless of the relationship, the man should always offer, and insist, to bring a girl back home safely.
No matter how strong I am, I am still fearful for my safety in the middle of the night. It's not nice walking home alone with barely a soul (probably floating all around me) in the streets. I feel as if I'm on hunter mode, ears pricked, eyes flickering left and right, checking back so often, walking so silently so I can hear, in any case footsteps that are not mine.
No, it's not fun. I feel scared too you know. So people say, then don't go back so late. You're asking for it.
I know right. But it was a perfect opportunity for you to shine. Ain't it?
Knowing how to take care of a female friend is a great investment. I appreciate good friends who go that extra mile. Whoever even created the rule that only your partner can send you home?
I believe if someone cared that much, regardless of the relationship, the man should always offer, and insist, to bring a girl back home safely.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Fickle
"Never make someone your priority, because they may only make you an option."
I doubt the level of consciousness and emotional control I have over myself.
Why are there factors that are beyond my control? What more, they are only in the mind. I can't even control the way I feel about things. It changes as fast as the air comes and goes.
The fickle-mindedness and unpredictability of my own thoughts sometimes leave me fighting my own inner war when the world hasn't moved an inch since I've had a drastic shift in my own axis.
Compared to many, I already have quite a good level of nonchalance in many things around. Yet, I still have inconsequential things that affect me so easily. And all of it are but merely my own thoughts and assumptions. How silly I can be sometimes. I always remind myself that, that is particularly why I don't put myself in that vulnerable position.
I recall what Sherwin asked me rhetorically, why I can be so single and happy, and why he can't.
I think the uncertainty about people make me not trust anyone that easily as I have trusted routines.
But if people turned into routines, then what fun is there right?
Seriously, I am still in this half-hearted stage of deciding what I really want for myself. I still can't figure. And when I thought I figured, external events/people rock my emotions so bad, I have second thoughts about it.
But why let the external environments dictate my response? It's so much easier to be said than done.
When I threw myself in a world of solitude, I had prepared for all that is to come. And even in that aloneness, at least there was stability and predictability in my life. I need that sense of security.
You know?
Destined to be by myself, because I can only predict my own emotions and still live with it when it does change. And with that, I think that aspect of me has a very girl-like quality to it. Our mood changes as fast as you can ask if we're ok. Damn. I thought at least I was slightly different here.
I doubt the level of consciousness and emotional control I have over myself.
Why are there factors that are beyond my control? What more, they are only in the mind. I can't even control the way I feel about things. It changes as fast as the air comes and goes.
The fickle-mindedness and unpredictability of my own thoughts sometimes leave me fighting my own inner war when the world hasn't moved an inch since I've had a drastic shift in my own axis.
Compared to many, I already have quite a good level of nonchalance in many things around. Yet, I still have inconsequential things that affect me so easily. And all of it are but merely my own thoughts and assumptions. How silly I can be sometimes. I always remind myself that, that is particularly why I don't put myself in that vulnerable position.
I recall what Sherwin asked me rhetorically, why I can be so single and happy, and why he can't.
I think the uncertainty about people make me not trust anyone that easily as I have trusted routines.
But if people turned into routines, then what fun is there right?
Seriously, I am still in this half-hearted stage of deciding what I really want for myself. I still can't figure. And when I thought I figured, external events/people rock my emotions so bad, I have second thoughts about it.
But why let the external environments dictate my response? It's so much easier to be said than done.
When I threw myself in a world of solitude, I had prepared for all that is to come. And even in that aloneness, at least there was stability and predictability in my life. I need that sense of security.
You know?
Destined to be by myself, because I can only predict my own emotions and still live with it when it does change. And with that, I think that aspect of me has a very girl-like quality to it. Our mood changes as fast as you can ask if we're ok. Damn. I thought at least I was slightly different here.
Unaware
Wonder why my heart is aflutter? After all these years, it only starts now? Really?
Even I can't believe it myself.
Is this the case of not paying attention or simply letting the years slip by. I wonder as much as you do.
This is the funnest part of it all, but it's also the most confusing part. I guess that's why it's fun.
Like taking risks. You never know what you are gonna get.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Dear Parents
If only you knew.
There are some reasons why your child does not tell you everything that happens in his life. It's not because he means to hide things from you. Neither is it that he is doing 'wrong' things that he ought not to be doing.
Firstly, how many times do you jump the gun and scold your child as a first response to what he hesitates and have thought through a lot before opening his mouth?
When your child has his first traffic accident, he comes home safe and sound, despite the car being a wreck, and the first thing you say to him is hurtful words about how much insurance you will have to pay and the repair costs.
Have you wondered, behind his physical safe self, his heart is trembling with fear from the near-death experience? Have you stopped to offer a hug and console his shaking fear? Have you cared about his feelings from such a traumatic experience?
No, you don't.
You go on and on about yourself having to fork out more money. It's always about yourself.
When your child has his first break up in a failed relationship, what do you do? You go on and on about how worthless the other party has been. You protect him from the negative experience by shielding him from the harshness of reality. You don't bother to find out what actually happened in the relationship. You assumed things on your part and the blame somehow always lies, not with your own child, but some other irresponsible parent's child. Some of you may have tried to reason things out.
But with single parents, you condemn the poor ex girlfriend/boyfriend of your child's. You label all women/men in this world as useless, unreliable, disappointing just because your own marriage failed.
When your child offers his honest opinions by daring to point out that your parenting ways may not always be right, you feel downright insulted that all the years of effort and love have gone down the drain. He has thought through a lot and presented in it the calmest of ways that sometimes everyone has different views and he is fine with a different view from your very own. But he would just like to share with you his own views. What do you do?
You say hurtful things that he isn't grateful for all that he has received from the moment he was born. You pick on little things and assume the worst of it.
Have you ever stopped to think for a moment, that your child has been listening to you all his life, and that when he stops to speak up against you for something he strongly believes in, he has in fact grown up? He has a mind of his own. He has matured. He, is in fact, the product of your upbringing. He has learnt to not conform to the conventions of society. He, your own flesh and blood, is ready to face the world, with his own views and not crumble and succumb to the mediocrity of society, of which, demands everyone to conform.
Every child is like an unpolished diamond.
How brightly he is going to shine, depends on the technique of your parenting.
And I do hope all parents treasure this unpolished gem.
How good and valuable he eventually becomes, depends on the amount of effort you put into polishing him to be the man he ought to be. Or the woman I'm supposed to be.
Because, I don't understand after all these years, I am still that imperfect child you'll always have.
You teach me to be appreciative of all the good things I have been given by you.
But have you taught yourself to appreciate me as the best daughter you would have never traded anything for? Maybe not. I tell you how contented I am with everything in my life. I make do with the ups and downs the family endures.
I haven't heard a single thing about how appreciative you are as a parent that I make one less worry for you by striving to be the best in my studies, the best in the sports I pursue, the best as a person in this society. I develop my very Self with whatever free time I have on my hand, to lessen your burden as a parent. I save you the trouble of learning about parenting. I parent myself and develop myself. I teach myself values. I form my beliefs. I am objective.
What about you? Have you put in the effort to be a better parent?
I know I have strived to be the better child you desire. And to me, that's more important than anything.
Like you, I just need you to be appreciative of that, and that sometimes I might fall short of your exceedingly high expectations.
But unlike me, you have been unforgiving. Looking on the brighter side, because of your exceedingly high expectations, I have learnt to accept nothing but the best from myself.
Regardless, all my effort and hardwork to be a better child are instantly wiped out the second I make a moment of folly.
I wished you remember that we're just humans, regardless of the difference in positions.
If only you knew.
There are some reasons why your child does not tell you everything that happens in his life. It's not because he means to hide things from you. Neither is it that he is doing 'wrong' things that he ought not to be doing.
Firstly, how many times do you jump the gun and scold your child as a first response to what he hesitates and have thought through a lot before opening his mouth?
When your child has his first traffic accident, he comes home safe and sound, despite the car being a wreck, and the first thing you say to him is hurtful words about how much insurance you will have to pay and the repair costs.
Have you wondered, behind his physical safe self, his heart is trembling with fear from the near-death experience? Have you stopped to offer a hug and console his shaking fear? Have you cared about his feelings from such a traumatic experience?
No, you don't.
You go on and on about yourself having to fork out more money. It's always about yourself.
When your child has his first break up in a failed relationship, what do you do? You go on and on about how worthless the other party has been. You protect him from the negative experience by shielding him from the harshness of reality. You don't bother to find out what actually happened in the relationship. You assumed things on your part and the blame somehow always lies, not with your own child, but some other irresponsible parent's child. Some of you may have tried to reason things out.
But with single parents, you condemn the poor ex girlfriend/boyfriend of your child's. You label all women/men in this world as useless, unreliable, disappointing just because your own marriage failed.
When your child offers his honest opinions by daring to point out that your parenting ways may not always be right, you feel downright insulted that all the years of effort and love have gone down the drain. He has thought through a lot and presented in it the calmest of ways that sometimes everyone has different views and he is fine with a different view from your very own. But he would just like to share with you his own views. What do you do?
You say hurtful things that he isn't grateful for all that he has received from the moment he was born. You pick on little things and assume the worst of it.
Have you ever stopped to think for a moment, that your child has been listening to you all his life, and that when he stops to speak up against you for something he strongly believes in, he has in fact grown up? He has a mind of his own. He has matured. He, is in fact, the product of your upbringing. He has learnt to not conform to the conventions of society. He, your own flesh and blood, is ready to face the world, with his own views and not crumble and succumb to the mediocrity of society, of which, demands everyone to conform.
Every child is like an unpolished diamond.
How brightly he is going to shine, depends on the technique of your parenting.
And I do hope all parents treasure this unpolished gem.
How good and valuable he eventually becomes, depends on the amount of effort you put into polishing him to be the man he ought to be. Or the woman I'm supposed to be.
Because, I don't understand after all these years, I am still that imperfect child you'll always have.
You teach me to be appreciative of all the good things I have been given by you.
But have you taught yourself to appreciate me as the best daughter you would have never traded anything for? Maybe not. I tell you how contented I am with everything in my life. I make do with the ups and downs the family endures.
I haven't heard a single thing about how appreciative you are as a parent that I make one less worry for you by striving to be the best in my studies, the best in the sports I pursue, the best as a person in this society. I develop my very Self with whatever free time I have on my hand, to lessen your burden as a parent. I save you the trouble of learning about parenting. I parent myself and develop myself. I teach myself values. I form my beliefs. I am objective.
What about you? Have you put in the effort to be a better parent?
I know I have strived to be the better child you desire. And to me, that's more important than anything.
Like you, I just need you to be appreciative of that, and that sometimes I might fall short of your exceedingly high expectations.
But unlike me, you have been unforgiving. Looking on the brighter side, because of your exceedingly high expectations, I have learnt to accept nothing but the best from myself.
Regardless, all my effort and hardwork to be a better child are instantly wiped out the second I make a moment of folly.
I wished you remember that we're just humans, regardless of the difference in positions.
If only you knew.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Granny
To many, grandparents are the norm.
I have not had any grandparents since. Even if I did have, with the most recently deceased one, I barely had any of a relationship except that of a grand-daughter, grand-mother one. It stayed there.
Last night as I went over to visit my self-adopted granny, aka Chanel's granny, whom I have so affectionally called ah-ma since I known her, I was touched by many little acts of hers.
The immediate joy radiating from her could be seen so obviously as I stepped through the main door. I didn't know I could bring so much joy. We'd engaged in little talks. Even though it was way past the Chinese New Year, she went into her room and came out with a red packet for me. To top it off, she said she'd been waiting for me to come and had been saving it for me. She wished me good health and to continuously improve in my studies. Ever smiling, all I could manage was a tad of embarrassment because I haven't got oranges to wish her good health.
She got excited about her miniature bananas that she had bought from the market. And then as she offered me some goodies to snack on, I said I had an ulcer. Without a word, she came back with some medicated powder to apply onto my ulcer. I was beyond touched.
Old people will always be old people. But I've never met someone as adorable, lovable, mild and docile as her.
She's the epitome of the best grandma anyone could have asked for, even if she's not my biological one.
I have not had any grandparents since. Even if I did have, with the most recently deceased one, I barely had any of a relationship except that of a grand-daughter, grand-mother one. It stayed there.
Last night as I went over to visit my self-adopted granny, aka Chanel's granny, whom I have so affectionally called ah-ma since I known her, I was touched by many little acts of hers.
The immediate joy radiating from her could be seen so obviously as I stepped through the main door. I didn't know I could bring so much joy. We'd engaged in little talks. Even though it was way past the Chinese New Year, she went into her room and came out with a red packet for me. To top it off, she said she'd been waiting for me to come and had been saving it for me. She wished me good health and to continuously improve in my studies. Ever smiling, all I could manage was a tad of embarrassment because I haven't got oranges to wish her good health.
She got excited about her miniature bananas that she had bought from the market. And then as she offered me some goodies to snack on, I said I had an ulcer. Without a word, she came back with some medicated powder to apply onto my ulcer. I was beyond touched.
Old people will always be old people. But I've never met someone as adorable, lovable, mild and docile as her.
She's the epitome of the best grandma anyone could have asked for, even if she's not my biological one.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Do you remember?
The conventionality of memories is where they fade slowly with time. A wonder why mine has quite erratic recollections of it. A random memory throws itself out from the sea of memories, standing out there bare, as if commanding me to remember its stark details.
It was such a random moment when it happened. And then, I started feeling the rush of emotions. It overwhelmed my heart. I almost felt like I could just let tears fall. And why is it that only now that I felt the gravity of the whole episode. Almost as if there was a lagged response from my whole system.
I thought of the long night where we sat in silence. I thought of the times I'd smile at your smile. I thought of your gloomy face. I thought of myself doing things I'd never thought I'd do. I thought of the long phone conversation. I thought about the concern I initially felt from you. I thought about myself diving into an abyss. You got caught in the wayward branches midway. I continued falling. I thought I was flying up higher, but I realised I had my vision turned the other way. I had been falling all along.
Sometimes I question myself what all that was about.
There were many happy times. At that time, I read a particular note that felt so surreal.
Reading it again now, it feels real. No, it is real.
When two people meet, they become engaged in their own world. Life suddenly didn't seem so mundane. Happy times flew by. And suddenly, one person stopped making the effort. That person, would perhaps be me. Quite like going down the slope, it started tumbling from there. Conversations lessen. From animated meaningful discussions, it mellowed to mere exchanges. Finally it came down to occasional politeness. And we've reached the fork end. You have gone your way, and I have gone mine.
I have walked back and retraced the path before the separation of our journey. And I have asked myself over and over. Why did I put myself through that?
When you have a big part of you still left here in my memory, jumping out at me, catching me at the most unexpected of times. I wonder, did I even leave a part of me with you? Or did I just happen to fly by you like the occasional breeze?
The question no longer begs for an answer. Like you, I have turned my back on my own heart.
Do you know that hurt is still hurt, even if my hurt was less than your hurt. I wished at some point that you could, like me, see beyond your own hurt and realised mine as well. Maybe you never did. Maybe I'll never know too.
I only wish that I'd come into your mind occasionally like you do for mine.
It was such a random moment when it happened. And then, I started feeling the rush of emotions. It overwhelmed my heart. I almost felt like I could just let tears fall. And why is it that only now that I felt the gravity of the whole episode. Almost as if there was a lagged response from my whole system.
I thought of the long night where we sat in silence. I thought of the times I'd smile at your smile. I thought of your gloomy face. I thought of myself doing things I'd never thought I'd do. I thought of the long phone conversation. I thought about the concern I initially felt from you. I thought about myself diving into an abyss. You got caught in the wayward branches midway. I continued falling. I thought I was flying up higher, but I realised I had my vision turned the other way. I had been falling all along.
Sometimes I question myself what all that was about.
There were many happy times. At that time, I read a particular note that felt so surreal.
Reading it again now, it feels real. No, it is real.
When two people meet, they become engaged in their own world. Life suddenly didn't seem so mundane. Happy times flew by. And suddenly, one person stopped making the effort. That person, would perhaps be me. Quite like going down the slope, it started tumbling from there. Conversations lessen. From animated meaningful discussions, it mellowed to mere exchanges. Finally it came down to occasional politeness. And we've reached the fork end. You have gone your way, and I have gone mine.
I have walked back and retraced the path before the separation of our journey. And I have asked myself over and over. Why did I put myself through that?
When you have a big part of you still left here in my memory, jumping out at me, catching me at the most unexpected of times. I wonder, did I even leave a part of me with you? Or did I just happen to fly by you like the occasional breeze?
The question no longer begs for an answer. Like you, I have turned my back on my own heart.
Do you know that hurt is still hurt, even if my hurt was less than your hurt. I wished at some point that you could, like me, see beyond your own hurt and realised mine as well. Maybe you never did. Maybe I'll never know too.
I only wish that I'd come into your mind occasionally like you do for mine.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Musings on a random day
After discovering my love for the public transport over these 6 weeks or so, I have also discovered my nonlove for the public transport during peak hours. It's specifically not the trains/buses themselves as modes of transportation that I dislike, but during these peak hours, the ugliest of the human side is revealed. I honestly cannot comprehend the way some people act, regardless of age, ethnicity or race/religion - whatever. For the convenience of themselves, and perhaps additional comfort, people with a lot of space in the middle of buses/trains just refuse to move in and occupy the empty space. I have missed 3 trains consecutively watching sardines packed at the entrances of the doors and empty spaces in the middle of the carriage. It annoys me deeply. I have people shoving me around, pushing me away, bumping into me, without so much a care that I am exiting/entering in the same direction as well. The problem doesn't lie with me, it lies with the impatience of the person who obviously cannot tell that there is such a thing as follow the flow. These are the gripes of the morning/evening rush hours. Sigh.
On a brighter note, I have completed 3 books, fiction and non-fiction since the start of this sem. I like how there is the deadline looming. Yes, I borrow library books. And this urgency to return the books on time make me read them continuously. It keeps me going. On top of that, there is also this intrinsic motivation to want to finish the novels because it's interesting. I have busied myself on the time spent travelling reading at this rate. You see how much you can accomplish spending such waiting times in productive ways. I was just done with Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami. It's one of his darker books about death and insanity. Reading novels take you through a whole experience of emotions along with the author's words you so voraciously read. I couldn't have imagined myself in the character's role, experiencing the death of 2 of his closest friends. I thought of it, and then I couldn't continue. I didn't even know how I would react. The most logical part of me told me that the sanest thing to do is carry on with life. Because death is not the opposite of life but an innate part of life. However, the reality is that no truth can cure the sorrow we feel from losing a loved one. All we can do is see it through to the end and learn something from it, but what we learn will be no help in facing the next sorrow that comes to us without warning.
Oh, looks like this is quite contrary to the start of my second paragraph - it obviously isn't 'on a brighter note'.
After watching the play put up by USP Productions, I can't wait for Tongues - part of the M1 Fringe Festival. It's a good reward for my consistent studying for Genes and Society. I really want to do well in a Science that I haven't touched before. It's extremely rewarding to understand something on a fresh clean slate. My Physics and Chemistry have pretty much been screwed by the years of misunderstandings and unknowings. I like words. Maybe that's why Biology appealed to my curiosity.
I hope you like words too. Because this is a wordy post.
And, I figured, men are pretty much like women. They form cliques. They move as one. They can't function without the others. They talk about their interests. It's fun being in a clique of guys and girls respectively. I learn a lot on how people function in groups. And I learn a lot about myself functioning alone when I'm without a company. I like the independence and the dependence. Too bad, the commitment to having the best of both worlds means I am a master of none. But that only means that people can survive with the adequate social interactions, and still have the courage to embrace the true person within.
Valentine's Day felt like any other day when I was at home. The moment I went into public spaces, it threw me off. I felt embarrassed for all the flowers/bears/gifts that guys and girls were holding. Weird feeling. But I feel embarrassed because it's... weirdly embarrassing. I'm not the most romantic person, but I am romantic enough to appreciate the idea of romance, but this particular expression of romance is quite the childish/turn off way for me. Weird feelings stirring within. Don't know why. I remembered holding my own bouquet of roses. It felt weird. Conformations of society.
I received chocolates, a rose and a self-baked brownie. I love how thoughtful some people can be. I appreciate these little things - the thought that goes into it rather than the actual gifts themselves. And I haven't been the most giving of all people. Why oh why. Maybe I'm innately individualistic and selfish. You know how some people say they don't mind not receiving because they don't give out anything? But it feels good receiving something, as much you anyone would like to deny. It's time to start giving, friend. I shall start investing in creating special relationships, where you feel special being with me. No motives. Just the special season of Jac for special people like you.
On a brighter note, I have completed 3 books, fiction and non-fiction since the start of this sem. I like how there is the deadline looming. Yes, I borrow library books. And this urgency to return the books on time make me read them continuously. It keeps me going. On top of that, there is also this intrinsic motivation to want to finish the novels because it's interesting. I have busied myself on the time spent travelling reading at this rate. You see how much you can accomplish spending such waiting times in productive ways. I was just done with Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami. It's one of his darker books about death and insanity. Reading novels take you through a whole experience of emotions along with the author's words you so voraciously read. I couldn't have imagined myself in the character's role, experiencing the death of 2 of his closest friends. I thought of it, and then I couldn't continue. I didn't even know how I would react. The most logical part of me told me that the sanest thing to do is carry on with life. Because death is not the opposite of life but an innate part of life. However, the reality is that no truth can cure the sorrow we feel from losing a loved one. All we can do is see it through to the end and learn something from it, but what we learn will be no help in facing the next sorrow that comes to us without warning.
Oh, looks like this is quite contrary to the start of my second paragraph - it obviously isn't 'on a brighter note'.
After watching the play put up by USP Productions, I can't wait for Tongues - part of the M1 Fringe Festival. It's a good reward for my consistent studying for Genes and Society. I really want to do well in a Science that I haven't touched before. It's extremely rewarding to understand something on a fresh clean slate. My Physics and Chemistry have pretty much been screwed by the years of misunderstandings and unknowings. I like words. Maybe that's why Biology appealed to my curiosity.
I hope you like words too. Because this is a wordy post.
And, I figured, men are pretty much like women. They form cliques. They move as one. They can't function without the others. They talk about their interests. It's fun being in a clique of guys and girls respectively. I learn a lot on how people function in groups. And I learn a lot about myself functioning alone when I'm without a company. I like the independence and the dependence. Too bad, the commitment to having the best of both worlds means I am a master of none. But that only means that people can survive with the adequate social interactions, and still have the courage to embrace the true person within.
Valentine's Day felt like any other day when I was at home. The moment I went into public spaces, it threw me off. I felt embarrassed for all the flowers/bears/gifts that guys and girls were holding. Weird feeling. But I feel embarrassed because it's... weirdly embarrassing. I'm not the most romantic person, but I am romantic enough to appreciate the idea of romance, but this particular expression of romance is quite the childish/turn off way for me. Weird feelings stirring within. Don't know why. I remembered holding my own bouquet of roses. It felt weird. Conformations of society.
I received chocolates, a rose and a self-baked brownie. I love how thoughtful some people can be. I appreciate these little things - the thought that goes into it rather than the actual gifts themselves. And I haven't been the most giving of all people. Why oh why. Maybe I'm innately individualistic and selfish. You know how some people say they don't mind not receiving because they don't give out anything? But it feels good receiving something, as much you anyone would like to deny. It's time to start giving, friend. I shall start investing in creating special relationships, where you feel special being with me. No motives. Just the special season of Jac for special people like you.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Thursday, February 09, 2012
A tourist
On an impromptu visit to the Buddha Tooth Relic Temple and Museum today. I wasn't dressed very appropriately because I came right after school and was in shorts so they provided some cloth to cover up. Felt like an Indian with the wrapped legs. Now I know how it feels to walk in it, it's really restrictive.
I will not give a detailed post about the museum and the temple, but if you're interested in these sort of stuffs, I assure you, the place is not like your typical smoky, dilapidated temple. It's air-conditioned and very well renovated, almost like walking in your National Museum, except Buddhist-style. Well, that's because it's new. It's only two years old. I have seriously always wondered how ordinary people gain enlightenment, to want to be ordained, to want to go through the rite of attaining this enlightenment, through and through. Many of the venerables were ordained at about my current age now. Honestly, at this age, why in the world would I be thinking of such worldly views? I cannot fathom. I think these people who pursue this goal in life, somehow has already been special, probably influenced from family upbringing or, let's bring it further, to those who wasn't exposed from young, but came to know about it due to the years of knowledge. That amazes me. And maybe it's because I cannot picture myself seeking this path.
The deepest impression I had were two things:
The relic chamber. What is a relic? Buddhists believed that relics are a physical form in which they are able to pay respects to Buddha, and to know that his teachings, and even he, had been real. They are a crystallised form of the physical form after cremation. So the relic chamber had displays of relics of tongue/blood/eyes etc the different body parts. It was quite an experience. But what got me thinking was, how do they separate the different parts altogether when the body is being cremated? I remember back in 1996 as I stood at the crematorium watching my grandmother being cremated through the huge glass panel. I could almost feel the heat. There were nothing but ashes. How did they piece different parts of the ashes or even differentiate them?
The other thing.. or rather, a paragraph that I will leave with you today:
Tasting the flavour of solitude
and the nectar of peace,
those who drink the joy
that is the essence of reality
abide free from fear of evil.
It is always a pleasure
not to have to encounter fools.
It is always good to see noble beings
and a delight to live with them.
It wasn't the exact same paragraphs at the Museum, it was simplified to this:
Living in a life of solitude, is better than spending it in the company of fools.
It had me pondering over my altered mentality this year. I had probably subconsciously got tired of chasing after the fake me to be in the company of fools.
Honestly? It's quite a lone journey, but upon seeing that today, it somewhat justified the solitude I've put myself in.
Somehow I really do believe that we just have an untapped reservoir of knowledge within us. How much we come to embrace it depends on how often we stop to question ourselves why we do what we do.
I will not give a detailed post about the museum and the temple, but if you're interested in these sort of stuffs, I assure you, the place is not like your typical smoky, dilapidated temple. It's air-conditioned and very well renovated, almost like walking in your National Museum, except Buddhist-style. Well, that's because it's new. It's only two years old. I have seriously always wondered how ordinary people gain enlightenment, to want to be ordained, to want to go through the rite of attaining this enlightenment, through and through. Many of the venerables were ordained at about my current age now. Honestly, at this age, why in the world would I be thinking of such worldly views? I cannot fathom. I think these people who pursue this goal in life, somehow has already been special, probably influenced from family upbringing or, let's bring it further, to those who wasn't exposed from young, but came to know about it due to the years of knowledge. That amazes me. And maybe it's because I cannot picture myself seeking this path.
The deepest impression I had were two things:
The relic chamber. What is a relic? Buddhists believed that relics are a physical form in which they are able to pay respects to Buddha, and to know that his teachings, and even he, had been real. They are a crystallised form of the physical form after cremation. So the relic chamber had displays of relics of tongue/blood/eyes etc the different body parts. It was quite an experience. But what got me thinking was, how do they separate the different parts altogether when the body is being cremated? I remember back in 1996 as I stood at the crematorium watching my grandmother being cremated through the huge glass panel. I could almost feel the heat. There were nothing but ashes. How did they piece different parts of the ashes or even differentiate them?
The other thing.. or rather, a paragraph that I will leave with you today:
Tasting the flavour of solitude
and the nectar of peace,
those who drink the joy
that is the essence of reality
abide free from fear of evil.
It is always a pleasure
not to have to encounter fools.
It is always good to see noble beings
and a delight to live with them.
It wasn't the exact same paragraphs at the Museum, it was simplified to this:
Living in a life of solitude, is better than spending it in the company of fools.
It had me pondering over my altered mentality this year. I had probably subconsciously got tired of chasing after the fake me to be in the company of fools.
Honestly? It's quite a lone journey, but upon seeing that today, it somewhat justified the solitude I've put myself in.
Somehow I really do believe that we just have an untapped reservoir of knowledge within us. How much we come to embrace it depends on how often we stop to question ourselves why we do what we do.
Sunday, February 05, 2012
Serendipity
A moment like that happened. I have met quite the most talented people in Singapore at the same time in the same place. Little did I know how well known they are in the scene in Singapore.
Presenting...
Credits
Keith Png & Clarence Lee.
Just to put things into perspective, as quoted by Xiaxue "Love this awesome photo of Keith and Clarence (Lee, who is the best make up artist in sg). If you are lucky enough to know the two of them together they have the power to make you look fucking gorgeous!!! LOLOL"
It's not every day that you get moments like these. Ordinary people, with extraordinary talents.
And my point? Like the talented violinist who played on the train on an ordinary day, with ordinary clothes, no one stopped to admire him, but when he had a performance, it was sold out; there are many talents around in Singapore too.
Still clueless? Keith is the best fashion designer in Singapore and Clarence is the best make up artist in Singapore. So you get the idea why Xiaxue made that statement.
And the real point I'm saying here?
Sometimes good things come to you, when you don't seek for it.
Presenting...
Keith Png & Clarence Lee.
Just to put things into perspective, as quoted by Xiaxue "Love this awesome photo of Keith and Clarence (Lee, who is the best make up artist in sg). If you are lucky enough to know the two of them together they have the power to make you look fucking gorgeous!!! LOLOL"
It's not every day that you get moments like these. Ordinary people, with extraordinary talents.
And my point? Like the talented violinist who played on the train on an ordinary day, with ordinary clothes, no one stopped to admire him, but when he had a performance, it was sold out; there are many talents around in Singapore too.
Still clueless? Keith is the best fashion designer in Singapore and Clarence is the best make up artist in Singapore. So you get the idea why Xiaxue made that statement.
And the real point I'm saying here?
Sometimes good things come to you, when you don't seek for it.
Thursday, February 02, 2012
Hard work
It took me a good 19 years of existence to understand the true meaning of hard work.
I thought I had been doing hard work. I just felt a breakthrough in my studies. It's so subtle. But the effect is overwhelming. It's tiring to upkeep the pace, there were times I felt like going with the flow, knowing some, oblivious to others. It was okay to gloss over the hard parts when I felt like I didn't understand. Effort. I didn't give it all.
Now, I try my best to understand the hard stuffs. I face it. I imagine the neurons making stronger connections as I keep making an effort to understand something that seemed so ancient. And the more I expose myself to the difficult and mysterious stuffs that I couldn't understand, the more I felt like things are falling into place. Almost like I have many eureka! moments when I make myself read it for the 4th time. I suddenly understand it. I know it's not "suddenly". It took me so much effort to understand the concepts. I think I might have found out why some people can score so well, and some mediocre.
Because, like every other thing in life, the best persevere till the very end, to make a difference. The rest come 10,000 miles, only to turn back at the last 10 steps.
I'm consistently walking the 10,000 miles the whole of my life, thinking I have put in a lot of effort, giving all my best. But subconsciously, I have been turning back at the last 10 steps whenever I face the most difficult part. And I lie to myself, by justifying with the power of reason that it was perfectly okay to turn back at those last steps.
This sem? I will walk the last 10 steps. I hope you do too.
I thought I had been doing hard work. I just felt a breakthrough in my studies. It's so subtle. But the effect is overwhelming. It's tiring to upkeep the pace, there were times I felt like going with the flow, knowing some, oblivious to others. It was okay to gloss over the hard parts when I felt like I didn't understand. Effort. I didn't give it all.
Now, I try my best to understand the hard stuffs. I face it. I imagine the neurons making stronger connections as I keep making an effort to understand something that seemed so ancient. And the more I expose myself to the difficult and mysterious stuffs that I couldn't understand, the more I felt like things are falling into place. Almost like I have many eureka! moments when I make myself read it for the 4th time. I suddenly understand it. I know it's not "suddenly". It took me so much effort to understand the concepts. I think I might have found out why some people can score so well, and some mediocre.
Because, like every other thing in life, the best persevere till the very end, to make a difference. The rest come 10,000 miles, only to turn back at the last 10 steps.
I'm consistently walking the 10,000 miles the whole of my life, thinking I have put in a lot of effort, giving all my best. But subconsciously, I have been turning back at the last 10 steps whenever I face the most difficult part. And I lie to myself, by justifying with the power of reason that it was perfectly okay to turn back at those last steps.
This sem? I will walk the last 10 steps. I hope you do too.
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