Right now it is a grey matter on who's the right or wrong one, because i can safely say there is no such right or wrong party. Just like there may be causes for things to happen.
If you ever notice the top right of my blog that says "If you don't like a culture, don't buy it. Create your own." Maybe this is what I am doing right now.
There is actually a cause to me being so irrational and angry. I am truly very angry, and I have never felt so much anger before for a long time. I'm sure you guys haven't heard WHY i am like that. Don't even assume the actions I did is linked to whatever you guys assume.
The main trigger factor that got me going was the day that Ruby was asked by Vic to leave her alone. To be frank, it wasn't the only single thing that made me so angry to stand up for a friend. It was all the things that have been accumulating in me all these while, but because i have learnt to compromise in order for people to be happy, i rather it remained that way. Why have things have to turn out like that? I'm still asking myself why I lost my cool because it is very unlike of me.
When Ruby was so upset about it, I was reminded of the very first time it happened to me very long ago. That time I wasn't that close to Vic and didn't understand her. Belle and I got told off by her to fuck off when she and Mel were at the 4th level toilet staircase, if i didn't remember wrongly, we received our English compo and she was upset about her marks and Mel was comforting her. That was the first time in my life someone told me to fuck off, I felt weird inside that I didn't do anything wrong and moreover Belle and I were looking for her because we were concerned. That matter soon was forgotten because Vic apologised the very day after school. I told myself that perhaps this is how she communicates with friends and accepted the way it is.
Subsequently as we became closer, I kept telling Pam and Tan that Vic has a nice character if you really understood her. Till now, I still don't feel I have judged her wrongly. There are many little things that need not be said but the actions can be felt.
I don't go out with her frequently, but the few times that I did, I feel like there's a part of me that's not me. I always thought when friends go out, we love to chill out at a place and talk about everything for hours. Girls' talks they call it. I know this is very individual and I felt like I wasn't good enough for Vic to go out with her. It was either a waste of her time if we didn't do any shopping and do something fruitful in her opinion. People's opinions may differ in some point at times, but as friends we compromise as a group to make everyone happy as a whole. I know everyone in the clique has done their fair share of compromising and closing one eye at times, forgiving and letting it go. But what i feel really upset about is how everyone of us has to listen to her likes and dislikes and compromise ourselves even to the extent of making ourselves unhappy. It's always her who has the power of authority, if she wants something, she will get it whether we like it or not.
I know some people don't want to voice out in case nobody supports their opinions. I might be wrong here, but i know everyone has eyes to see for themselves. How many times do you see Claire pleasing Vic just for the sake of making her happy? I don't think Claire likes making fun of herself and putting herself down for Vic's entertainment. How many times do you see Vic demanding for things to be done her way. No one gets a second word and all of us in the clique are used to it. Even I was used to it and i know Vic is like that.
I've thought really long about how friends should be. I've been bottling this up for long because i don't see the point in blowing it up when it's my individual opinion. If i'm not happy, it should be solely me who's not happy. I shouldn't influence people to think my way nor feed people information for which they can see for themselves.
Friends should be there to bring out the best in you and not bring you down to feel good herself. I cannot be myself totally because i have to constantly ensure that I don't offend Vic in any way. It's like a false pretense. I guarantee there are not many such friends you can find who brings out the best in you.
I've feel like I'm always the one giving in and not getting any back. It's not a mutual thing. And I'm sure Vic, you know what i'm saying. Even you say it for yourself that i'm always the one giving. I know i like to joke around about my valentine's day present, about the many senseless loves and blowkisses.
Each one of you can feel how sincere and genuine someone really is.
Remember the time when Vic's birthday was arriving. How much she whined about having to plan and everything being so last minute. All of us didn't want her to feel sad and put in effort to do a pre-party surprise for her. How much she meant to everyone is obvious here. If at any point here you feel that I wasn't sincere to you because of what i said, i was. If i wasn't i wouldn't go for pre-planned surprise, actual birthday bbq and post birthday dinner. All 3 straight in a row, just for your birthday. I treated you like i would to any friend i treasure, but i felt the more i gave the more miserable i am because i don't feel appreciated as time goes by. I need to feel that my actions are worth it. Who doesn't like praises at some point in their life? Constant criticism only weakens self-esteems. 如果你会做人你就不会把每件事当作是应该的.
I have nothing against anyone at all, I treasure and appreciate deeply what everyone of you has done for me and it's definitely not the end of any friendships, because if friendships end over some senseless things, then they shouldn't be called friendships. I just want to voice my unhappiness all this time that i've been experiencing. I haven't been the best of myself when i constantly feel as if i've been pressurized to please people and make them feel happy when i end up feeling miserable.
The very reason I got so worked up because I really cannot take seeing how friends around and even myself cannot be happy anymore. I need to put a stop to getting pushed around and to please people at the expense of my own happiness. Real friendships are more genuine when both parties are equally enjoying just the mere presence of each other without the need to feel careful about our speech and actions.
There is actually a cause to me being so irrational and angry. I am truly very angry, and I have never felt so much anger before for a long time. I'm sure you guys haven't heard WHY i am like that. Don't even assume the actions I did is linked to whatever you guys assume.
The main trigger factor that got me going was the day that Ruby was asked by Vic to leave her alone. To be frank, it wasn't the only single thing that made me so angry to stand up for a friend. It was all the things that have been accumulating in me all these while, but because i have learnt to compromise in order for people to be happy, i rather it remained that way. Why have things have to turn out like that? I'm still asking myself why I lost my cool because it is very unlike of me.
When Ruby was so upset about it, I was reminded of the very first time it happened to me very long ago. That time I wasn't that close to Vic and didn't understand her. Belle and I got told off by her to fuck off when she and Mel were at the 4th level toilet staircase, if i didn't remember wrongly, we received our English compo and she was upset about her marks and Mel was comforting her. That was the first time in my life someone told me to fuck off, I felt weird inside that I didn't do anything wrong and moreover Belle and I were looking for her because we were concerned. That matter soon was forgotten because Vic apologised the very day after school. I told myself that perhaps this is how she communicates with friends and accepted the way it is.
Subsequently as we became closer, I kept telling Pam and Tan that Vic has a nice character if you really understood her. Till now, I still don't feel I have judged her wrongly. There are many little things that need not be said but the actions can be felt.
I don't go out with her frequently, but the few times that I did, I feel like there's a part of me that's not me. I always thought when friends go out, we love to chill out at a place and talk about everything for hours. Girls' talks they call it. I know this is very individual and I felt like I wasn't good enough for Vic to go out with her. It was either a waste of her time if we didn't do any shopping and do something fruitful in her opinion. People's opinions may differ in some point at times, but as friends we compromise as a group to make everyone happy as a whole. I know everyone in the clique has done their fair share of compromising and closing one eye at times, forgiving and letting it go. But what i feel really upset about is how everyone of us has to listen to her likes and dislikes and compromise ourselves even to the extent of making ourselves unhappy. It's always her who has the power of authority, if she wants something, she will get it whether we like it or not.
I know some people don't want to voice out in case nobody supports their opinions. I might be wrong here, but i know everyone has eyes to see for themselves. How many times do you see Claire pleasing Vic just for the sake of making her happy? I don't think Claire likes making fun of herself and putting herself down for Vic's entertainment. How many times do you see Vic demanding for things to be done her way. No one gets a second word and all of us in the clique are used to it. Even I was used to it and i know Vic is like that.
I've thought really long about how friends should be. I've been bottling this up for long because i don't see the point in blowing it up when it's my individual opinion. If i'm not happy, it should be solely me who's not happy. I shouldn't influence people to think my way nor feed people information for which they can see for themselves.
Friends should be there to bring out the best in you and not bring you down to feel good herself. I cannot be myself totally because i have to constantly ensure that I don't offend Vic in any way. It's like a false pretense. I guarantee there are not many such friends you can find who brings out the best in you.
I've feel like I'm always the one giving in and not getting any back. It's not a mutual thing. And I'm sure Vic, you know what i'm saying. Even you say it for yourself that i'm always the one giving. I know i like to joke around about my valentine's day present, about the many senseless loves and blowkisses.
Each one of you can feel how sincere and genuine someone really is.
Remember the time when Vic's birthday was arriving. How much she whined about having to plan and everything being so last minute. All of us didn't want her to feel sad and put in effort to do a pre-party surprise for her. How much she meant to everyone is obvious here. If at any point here you feel that I wasn't sincere to you because of what i said, i was. If i wasn't i wouldn't go for pre-planned surprise, actual birthday bbq and post birthday dinner. All 3 straight in a row, just for your birthday. I treated you like i would to any friend i treasure, but i felt the more i gave the more miserable i am because i don't feel appreciated as time goes by. I need to feel that my actions are worth it. Who doesn't like praises at some point in their life? Constant criticism only weakens self-esteems. 如果你会做人你就不会把每件事当作是应该的.
I have nothing against anyone at all, I treasure and appreciate deeply what everyone of you has done for me and it's definitely not the end of any friendships, because if friendships end over some senseless things, then they shouldn't be called friendships. I just want to voice my unhappiness all this time that i've been experiencing. I haven't been the best of myself when i constantly feel as if i've been pressurized to please people and make them feel happy when i end up feeling miserable.
The very reason I got so worked up because I really cannot take seeing how friends around and even myself cannot be happy anymore. I need to put a stop to getting pushed around and to please people at the expense of my own happiness. Real friendships are more genuine when both parties are equally enjoying just the mere presence of each other without the need to feel careful about our speech and actions.
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