void

Just a mere 3 hours ago, I saw the lifeless body of my only surviving grandparent, close to 80 years of age - dad's mom, with a cloth still tied securely around her neck, laid on the bed just beside the spot where she hung herself, urine stains were visible on the floor as well. The deep bluish colour in the lips, fingers and feet prominently stood out from the rest of her pale skin. Her shriveled self and little body just laid there immobile in her senior citizen apartment. I stood at the feet of the bed and looked on...

I couldn't feel anything at all... just the numbness of the passing of a relative. How life has just ended and it reminded me of how my mom always say that we come into the world with nothing and leave the world with nothing... it's the whole process that matters and how much you want to leave an impact behind on others when you're gone.

I've personally never felt any warmth or love from my granny with the fact that the only conversations we've ever had were *in canto* "sek fan ah sek fan" or "吃饱了吗" or "吃多一点". Basically it's all revolving around me having my stomach's fill.

People always say learn from the wise men... and that old people have wisdom. I have learned a lot from my grandma, in a different perspective though. The most important lessons I've learned is how not to allow my future children abandon me and throw me to 'enjoy' my retired years alone in a senior citizen's flat.

It runs in the family... and i'm glad to be dissociated with the blood. I don't know how to bring myself to respect the elders who are my uncles and aunties when they can't even be a good example to their children. Out of the 5 siblings, one has remarried and brought his pregnant wife just now, one has went to look for other women and my dad has never appreciated what my mom had done. Just looking at the various scenarios, don't they all just say something? Great parental upbringing... i might be in no position to comment, but I can judge for myself. The older generation has definitely not taught the children well to treasure a family and devote their life to it.

With zero surviving grandparents now, and that has no link to what i want to say next... but she reinforces how much more i want to do for my future family life...do all those that she has never fulfilled.
I want to bring love to my future kids, future grand kids and shower never-ending love on my future husband to build the ideal family together with me. Family is one thing that surpasses everything else and I will invest my life building it.