Peeking from somewhere

I have been so far away from my feelings and thoughts these weeks with studies overloading my mind. Moments of consciousness are spent worrying over productive & optimal usage of time for the As that I want while I'm too deep in my unconsciousness too worry about my inner emotional state. Blogging keeps me alive, internally.

There's so many things that has happened that I can't put my feelings into words.

For what's to come after As, and for the days during As - it's all the same to me. I don't exactly feel a sense of high fantasising about all the crazy things that I could do when I don't have to study anymore. And I'm actually considering how much I will actually miss studying because it gives me a sense of purpose and meaning in my life.

Between practicality and passion for Uni, I have half my mind made up.

I have a gut feeling that it will be the same when I do decide the course I want to take like it had been when I just blurted Class 3A when registering for driving. All those childhood thoughts of driving manual and mimicking the gear shifting sounds, I have went with my instinct and picked what I actually really wanted to do, despite negative comments from people saying I'm dumb/senseless/silly/stupid.

I always have Steve Job's speech in my mind "you will only see the dots connecting after that". I guess that's it right? I'm stabbing aimlessly in the dark, hoping to strike gold. It's contradicting when I tell people to not let emotions get the better of them, because I'm now letting my emotions control the decisions that I'm making which would affect the journey in my future.

Humans are just so irrational.

And that's why I'm ever so interested in the study of human's behaviour.

Two years back, I was thinking how nice it is to be in a JC when all students feel grown up. Forward that, now I'm looking forward to Uni where I'm placing undergrads on a pedestal and their lives as well as if it's so desirable. It's an endless cycle.

Envisioning a life of academic career. Jac will always be Jac, just that I've noticed I've gotten a whole load mellower these days.

It's hard to get in my bad books unless you're really that bad.

I love growing up, and watching my friends around me grow up too. The little quirks and silly things we all do once in a while. I can even picture us laughing about it when we're old and less naive.

We only live our lives once, there's many things that the eyes can ignore and the ears can choose to shut out, but never go down the road of anger. It's the worst emotional state that destroys relationships in an instant because one never meant to say things that hurt so much. I've conditioned myself to never fall for that. Because I don't need a second lesson to remind me how much anger does not help in any situation.

The next time you can't control it and feel like bursting into a rage, just shut yourself up and calm down. Think again, then speak. The bond built over the years isn't worth a moment of folly.

P.S I feel like a plane crash victim survivor, surviving to retell the story, and appreciating people around me, growing to love each one for who they really are, flaws or not. I wish I could break the barrier to express the love more.