Giving

The past week has been hellish for me. I have reached this stage where I'm behind school work, disorganized in my filing and everything is just a clutter. I'm dealing with everything at a time, trying to clear the present mess because I see the chaos behind and I don't want all of this to cumulate and tumble down on me.

I have been doing the exact same thing as the above. And honestly, it feels good only to a certain point. I have went past that point, and everything is a little out of control. I want to be so much for so many people. I don't want to disappoint myself. But I'm breaking myself down a little bit in this process.

As I allowed myself to be overwhelmed by my emotions and all the wild thoughts flying in my mind, I finally managed to muster those warm tears to fall. It feels good to ponder upon the day at night in bed, drawing closures to the thoughts and ending it with a river flow. I wish I could cry more often.

Feeling helpless at times, the desire to just lay on someone to defend the world for me is quite the urgent need for now. But I have only myself to depend upon. Why be so strong sometimes, Jac? Where's my safe haven in this world of constant battles for nothing? The answer lies in the sweet scent of my bed, the soft nothingness that won't respond and judge when I cry into those pillows. Where's my hand sewn human-sized bolster? I need it.