Being in someone's skin

One of the best literature books I've studied is no doubt To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee when I was in Secondary School. I've gleaned a lot of valuable insights on what it means to lead a meaningful life of helping others, understanding their situations; despite all differences, overcome prejudice and treat them as equals. Till date, these lessons linger at the recesses of my mind.

I was reminded of this as I read the many stories for the past weeks. Some fiction, some non-fiction. And the little stories I read online as well. For that moment, you feel like you've walked in someone's path for a short distance. You feel what it was like to be them at that particular moment.
那瞬间的魅力。

I may have dispensed much advice to peers over the years on doing the 'right' thing, pursuing what ought to be pursued. But as I ponder over my own situation, I flounder helplessly because I have been consumed by what society dictates as useful.

I have lost a bit of my naivety and motivation to pursue this thing called happiness. The things that I devote to and invest my energy and effort gave me satisfaction, which in turn, translated to happiness for me. But lately, the more I read, the more I realised I have lost that child-like innocence that everything followed a simple logic - that as long as you did what was expected of you, and you do them well, you'd feel happy, because you know you have made others proud, and in turn, you feel good about yourself.

I have spent a good part of my youth walking around in someone's skin. Maybe then, I did find true happiness living up to others' expectations of me. But now, doubts keep surfacing in my mind, prodding me to acknowledge the new found feeling residing in my soul - that I am not as happy as I'd like to be, in all that I'm pursuing now. I never give up on myself nor do I ever look back and regret for not taking the alternative path. But sometimes as I stare off into the distance, I wondered how my life would have been like if I did go the other way. It may just be an innate occurrence that we'll always think the 'grass is greener on the other side'.

I don't even know what makes me happy now. As I try to create my own culture, I hardly have any inkling of what I'd like to have in it.
Much as the house renovations now, I have taken the backseat, even to the point of nonchalance to what happens. Relinquishing control is a different feeling that I've never had. I'm a person who needs to be anchored to stability and predictabilities, but always never taking for granted what there is.

I don't know if I'm feeling less content and gotten used to the mundanity of life. Maybe to the point of taking things for granted. Taking the prized education that I have for granted.

I suddenly feel not all that special anymore, that I have blended in with society, just another nameless face in the crowd.
Trying hard to find the individuality again, but where have all the zest gone to? I'm clueless myself too.