The Art of Loving

In erotic love there is an exclusiveness which is lacking in brotherly love and motherly love. This exclusive character of erotic love warrants some further discussion. Frequently the exclusiveness of erotic love is misinterpreted as meaning possessive attachment. One can often find two people 'in love' with each other who feel no love for anybody else. Their love, is, in fact, an egotism a deux; they are two people who identify themselves with each other, and who solve the problem of separateness by enlarging the single individual into two. They have the experience of overcoming aloneness, yet, since they are separated from the rest of mankind, they remain separated from each other and alienated from themselves; their experience of union is an illusion.

Erotic love is exclusive, but it loves in the other person all of mankind, all that is alive. It is only exclusive only in the sense that I can fuse myself fully and intensely with one person only. Erotic love excludes the love for others only the in the sense of erotic fusion, full commitment in all aspects of life - but not in the sense of deep brotherly love.
Erotic love, if it is love, has one premise. That I love from the essence of my being - and experience the other person in the essence of his or her being. In essence, all human beings are identical. We are all part of One, we are One. This being so, it should not make any difference whom we love. Love should be essentially an act of will, of decision to commit my life completely to that of one other person. This is, indeed, the rationale behind the insolubility of marriage, as it is behind the many forms of traditional marriage in which the two partners never choose each other, but are chosen for each other - and yet are expected to love each other. In contemporary Western culture this idea appears false altogether. Love is supposed to be the outcome of a spontaneous, emotional reaction, of suddenly being gripped by an irresistible feeling. In this view, one sees only the peculiarities of the two individuals involved. One neglects to see an important factor in erotic love, that of will. 

To love somebody is not just a strong feeling - it is a decision, it is a judgement, it is a promise. If love were only a feeling, there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever. A feeling comes and it may go. How can I judge that it will stay forever, when my act does not involve judgement and decision?
Taking these views into account, one may arrive at the position that love is exclusively an act of will and commitment, and that therefore fundamentally, it does not matter who the two persons are. Whether the marriage was arranged by others, or the result of individual choice, once the marriage is concluded, the act of will should guarantee the continuation of love. 

This view seems to neglect the paradoxical character of human nature and of erotic love. We are all One - yet everyone one of us is a unique, unduplicable entity. In our relationships to others the same paradox is repeated. Inasmuch as we are all one, we can love everybody in the same way in the sense of brotherly love. But inasmuch as we are all also different, erotic love requires certain specific, highly individual elements which exist between some people but not between all.
Both views then, that of erotic love as completely individual attraction, unique between two specific persons, as well as the other view that erotic love is nothing but an act of will, are true - or, as it may be put more aptly, the truth is neither this nor that. Hence the idea of a relationship which can be easily dissolved if one is not successful with it is as erroneous as the idea that under no circumstances must the relationship be dissolved. 

Excerpt from Erich Fromm "The Art of Loving"


I have been trying to find the answer and balance between the two contrasting views on the idea of love. But alas, look at what answers I have gotten, the answer is that there is no answer. It is simply the fusion of the two views and the ability to maintain at the center of it all - with spontaneity and feelings, with commitment, with judgement, and with the promise and will to make it last. And one last aspect I learnt, that to love, is to always do things in consideration for other people other than yourself. It is the act of extending beyond your Self for others.

The mumble jumble in the head that doesn't feel like mine anymore

I realised that in my pursuit of excellence or the sub-par standard of 'excellence', I have not had time to do one of the most important things I told myself I will do regardless. I remembered back when I was merely 15, I would make an effort to go up to the roof garden, lie in the little round ratten cushioned chair we placed out there, and watch the sunset all by myself almost every single day. I told myself that it was a way to appreciate the nature and the way the world works and also to relax my mind from studying hard. At times, I would go up there alone at night too, just lying there having the cool breeze, and watching the stars sparkling in the night sky. I thought I had a beautiful life, and a very beautiful house.
None of my family members really appreciated the beautiful place. I was the only one making the effort to enjoy the luxury of having one of the highest houses in that area, so we were almost over-looking most houses. The me then seemed to know how to be really appreciative. I took every moment as if it was my last and treasured every single bit of it. And thinking back now, I'm glad to have made these mental notes and images because I easily recall how everything else looked when I still had them.

I couldn't have asked for a better house then. Having had the luxury of having my own room, complete with a walk-in wardrobe, attached bathroom and even a balcony, I thought life couldn't have been better. And at that age, how many people really could say they have a room to call their own? But amongst the many physical comfort I was surrounded with, I stood at the balcony most of the time, all by myself, spacing out and just people-watching, neighbour-gazing. I would stare at the temple behind my house and wondered about the people's routines. Once, I got crazy enough and brought my little cones to the huge temple and laid them all out and started training my slalom. Felt like shaolin-slalom. I would be done with my thing, pick it all up, skate around the estate and ponder over life. I stared at the huge houses behind with the little kids playing in the front porch, running towards their parents the moment they came home, it reminded me of myself. The irony then I felt, of being super contented with everything I was given, and being utterly heart-broken with a family falling apart, piece by piece. I stood at my balcony one time too many, wondering, why we can't have all the good things in life.

I might have matured emotionally the quickest during that period of time. But looking at my battered self now, I can't say I still am as emotionally mature. I crumble easily when dealt with harsh blows, I harden when I don't hear things I want to hear, and I become more cynical and less patient with people. We improve over time right? I seem to have turned into a nastier person with a richer wealth of experience. They say experience teaches you the hardest lessons, and I have learnt that too. I was so much more mellow then. Probably because I have numbed all my emotions. Nothing so much could ever excite me. I almost lost the zest for life.

You know these days, the older I get, the lesser time I allow myself to ponder about such things in life. I have since stopped to take a whiff of the rose silently lying by my side. I have not looked at my environment in the most earnest way in trying to understand why they are what they are. Everything is about speed, precision and efficiency. Things that served no purpose deserved no time of mine. I have gone into this mad rush of life.

Time to time, I remind myself of this beautiful thing called nature. Everyone is so caught up with their own pace of life that the most serene, peaceful thing out there, is really just all around us going unnoticed. I'm always the first to point out the patterns of the moon especially when I see a full/crescent one, spotting the Orion's belt amongst the galaxy of stars, and also trying to differentiate between satellites and actual stars.

I've had a weird habit of physically walking down the 'memory lane' whenever I felt emotionally attached to a place. The first time I did it was at Telok Kurau. Still an innocent 6 year old, I walked the entire street from park connector end to main road junction, taking in every single information about the environment, imprinting that in my memory that I will come back and do the exact same thing and replay everything even if the houses then had been replaced. I did that again at 16 for the spatially biggest house I've ever lived in and equally saddest place all at the same time. Then again at 19 with my first ever house I got to have a say in designing from start to end. It was outrageously satisfying to hear encouraging comments of 'wah your house damn nice' whenever we had visitors 9 out of 10 times.

The thing with places and the heart. They are 2 very different subject matters altogether. Yet, they are all so close. You travel to a place, and all the memories associated with the place start flooding back as if someone opened the flood gates.

I understand the value of seeing the less of things when you see the more of it. Such a contradicting statement by itself. The things that mattered to me as a child don't really matter as much now as I go through life's processes. I'm trying to find the innocence and appreciation I had for minute things... To reverse the growing up experience. I had been a better person then, than I am now. As I stumble over my own feet, I ask myself, what has happened? Over and over.

After pondering, I came to a conclusion that we learn how to protect ourselves. Survival of the fittest? In this case, it's survival of the emotionally fittest. We lose the child-like innocence of believing everything to be the best only to replace it with cynicism that this is always not good enough. Hard knocks in life take away some compassion each time. Asking us to care for someone whole-heartedly even if we have had our hearts broken before, even the most giving, would be cautious. The thing about growing up, is that we become more independent. That should also mean we are more capable of discerning what might be better for us. Why then, do we always rely on our past experience to predict our future, to limit our own capabilities, to impose assumptions on other people thinking history would repeat itself?

If I could lose something right now, it would be to lose all that emotional baggage and restart my emotions on a clean slate. 

The long wait - Renovations 2012

You guys have no idea how much torture I went through living in my current interim rented place. The amount of bed-bugs is crazy. We have gotten expert pest control to fumigate the entire house twice, soaked with crazy ass chemicals, dripping from every corner of the house, and the horror returns 2 weeks later. I once had to live with an entire 'moat' of bed bug powder at my bed because I wasn't getting any sleep at all.

I would think the situation has worsened quite a bit now because I can even get bitten while not being seated on any fabric! Just me, my non-fabric chair, the metal table, and my legs can get bitten. Yes, the horror.

But in less than 2 months time, I will be moving away from this living hell. No more digging for clothes from plastic bags, boxes, etc. No more having to deal with pests. No more lousy old dull-lit sad looking place.

I am so excited with the start of the renovations of the new place. What a coincidence that I chanced across Xia Xue's latest post about her own renovations as well. Funny thing is, some of the contractors that are sponsoring her are actually places that I've went with my mom to hunt for the latest designs. It does help a huge load when my brother is in this line himself now. He gets everything for us at contractor's price and that freaking saved a huge ass sum of money for us. Yes, the construction industry is quite lucrative because half the time, owners are too damn lazy to compare prices and just leave everything to the main con. to bao the job so it's damn good to tok them freely.

I remember back when I was working, it was so nice having to service clients who owned condos and landed properties because they just let you do everything from hacking to tiling to painting and all the carpentry works, ironmongery, masonry, sanitary fittings. You just grab a bit from everything and you have a high profit margin from the project. Oh, I just revealed the trade secret. Now you know. Haha. ;p But the catch is, even though you personally source each aspect out and get them quoted separately, you still don't get a good deal because there is no 'economies of scale'. Moral of the story is, become a contractor yourself and get contractor's price. Ha ha ha.

Back to my excitement about the new place. We're trying out a new theme this time, moving away from our previous modern black-white/wood decor.
I can't wait for the hacking works to start, and I will be having the biggest room in the house. The perks of being the only student in the family - I get to demand a larger space to fit my study table and all my books. Oh, did I mention? My mom insisted we all get king sized beds. I said I didn't have the need for it. She insisted we just get it. Ha ha. Talk about pampering. And she said it's to accomodate people who wants to sleepover. Hint hint. And I would suppose there'd be a lot of crashing to study at my place seeing the proximity it is to school.

I'm thinking if I should buy a bike to ride to school every day or should I do my favourite past-time of just skating. The ultimate convenience of skating is that you can go through any corner and maneuvere through tight spaces because it is really just like walking. But much faster. Bikes can't bring you through corners. But then again, why do I sound like I'm going through an obstacle course on the way to school? Haha.

I am so glad that I have 3 weeks less to stay in this horrible terrible hideous interim place. The past months of being too busy have gotten me so drained. It is equally draining and taxing as when I was working during the 7 months before I started Uni. And back then, Krabi had been an awesome time for me to unwind and forget about the world, even if it was just for a few days.
But no, this time I'm going for 3 weeks. And 3 weeks in that part of the world I've never been to. I'm actually going to France. I still can't believe how blessed I am to be travelling to a European country for the first time and to spend a good 3 weeks there.

My first day of getting back my leading skillz. I felt like a dog panting whenever I came down from the routes. Good workout today for me. It felt like I was doing fartleks, just up and down the wall. And for the first time, I will be flying all by myself to CDG. I'm really amazed at how independent I've gotten just within the last 2 years. Why oh why. The beckoning of adulthood.

I haven't hung out with my mom in the longest time ever and we had my used-to-be-favourite-place for sashimi, shopped around getting things for my trip, stocked up on Sushi's food and litter, had bubble tea together, had chicago cheesecake at Coffee Bean.. and went home to pampering myself further with a mask, the air con turned on, and some nice big bed to myself to relax and chill. Did I mention the weather is so horrendously terribly hot?! The drastic contrast of walking in and out of my room. Air-con and no air-con. It's like walking from a shopping mall to a sauna.

I see my life only getting better from now on. I am so thankful for having a good rest and I treasure this as an opportune time to recharge for the new academic year.

Emo

A quiet night to sit down and let my mind wander, to reflect, re-think about certain things. They say the night is the easiest time to get emotional, I agree fully.

The heart aches in the most subtle manner and I am silently denying the pain. Why do I feel that way about things? What happened? It's really about giving the best you've got. And I'm really doing it to my best. But are you? Really? Why is it that I can't say the same for you? 就是那么一点的伤心，一点的失望，一点的怀疑...

Effort

 

一直以为自己渐渐长大了，懂得了解自己，也慢慢试着了解对方。
在当儿中却发现每分每秒在改变的自己也无法捉摸喜怒哀乐。

我做不到

In a bid to be less narcissistic, I am going to list the flaws I have always known about myself, which I know will make my life much better if I'd put in more effort to erase these undying habits.

Credits to this article... I'm going to be breaking it down for myself. And probably come back here again to look at this after many years and see if I have managed to overcome this with sheer determination for the pursuit of self improvement.

1. Give up your need to always be right.There are so many of us who can’t stand the idea of being wrong – wanting to always be right – even at the risk of ending great relationships or causing a great deal of stress and pain, for us and for others. It’s just not worth it. Whenever you feel the ‘urgent’ need to jump into a fight over who is right and who is wrong, ask yourself this question: “Would I rather be right, or would I rather be kind?” Wayne Dyer. What difference will that make? Is your ego really that big?

2. Give up your need for control. Be willing to give up your need to always control everything that happens to you and around you – situations, events, people, etc. Whether they are loved ones, coworkers, or just strangers you meet on the street – just allow them to be. Allow everything and everyone to be just as they are and you will see how much better will that make you feel.


7. Give up the luxury of criticism. Give up your need to criticize things, events or people that are different than you. We are all different, yet we are all the same. We all want to be happy, we all want to love and be loved and we all want to be understood. We all want something, and something is wished by us all.


10. Give up labels. Stop labeling those things, people or events that you don’t understand as being weird or different and try opening your mind, little by little. Minds only work when open. “The highest form of ignorance is when you reject something you don’t know anything about.” Wayne Dyer


15. Give up living your life to other people’s expectations. Way too many people are living a life that is not theirs to live. They live their lives according to what others think is best for them, they live their lives according to what their parents think is best for them, to what their friends, their enemies and their teachers, their government and the media think is best for them. They ignore their inner voice, that inner calling. They are so busy with pleasing everybody, with living up to other people’s expectations, that they lose control over their lives. They forget what makes them happy, what they want, what they need….and eventually they forget about themselves.  You have one life – this one right now – you must live it, own it, and especially don’t let other people’s opinions distract you from your path.

At this present moment, 我真的做不到。

And I wonder when I will attain enlightenment in view of these. I have been holding on so tightly to these beliefs to drive me through the formative years. In a bid to toughen up the outer shell so much, I have forgotten that it's okay to be weak. And it doesn't take a snap of the fingers to let go of the shell and expose the mush inside.

Inspiring

In these days when most people expect instant gratification, it is most reassuring to find someone who treasures patience and perseverance, courage and determination and most importantly a person who lives by these precepts.