The Art of Loving

In erotic love there is an exclusiveness which is lacking in brotherly love and motherly love. This exclusive character of erotic love warrants some further discussion. Frequently the exclusiveness of erotic love is misinterpreted as meaning possessive attachment. One can often find two people 'in love' with each other who feel no love for anybody else. Their love, is, in fact, an egotism a deux; they are two people who identify themselves with each other, and who solve the problem of separateness by enlarging the single individual into two. They have the experience of overcoming aloneness, yet, since they are separated from the rest of mankind, they remain separated from each other and alienated from themselves; their experience of union is an illusion.

Erotic love is exclusive, but it loves in the other person all of mankind, all that is alive. It is only exclusive only in the sense that I can fuse myself fully and intensely with one person only. Erotic love excludes the love for others only the in the sense of erotic fusion, full commitment in all aspects of life - but not in the sense of deep brotherly love.
Erotic love, if it is love, has one premise. That I love from the essence of my being - and experience the other person in the essence of his or her being. In essence, all human beings are identical. We are all part of One, we are One. This being so, it should not make any difference whom we love. Love should be essentially an act of will, of decision to commit my life completely to that of one other person. This is, indeed, the rationale behind the insolubility of marriage, as it is behind the many forms of traditional marriage in which the two partners never choose each other, but are chosen for each other - and yet are expected to love each other. In contemporary Western culture this idea appears false altogether. Love is supposed to be the outcome of a spontaneous, emotional reaction, of suddenly being gripped by an irresistible feeling. In this view, one sees only the peculiarities of the two individuals involved. One neglects to see an important factor in erotic love, that of will. 

To love somebody is not just a strong feeling - it is a decision, it is a judgement, it is a promise. If love were only a feeling, there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever. A feeling comes and it may go. How can I judge that it will stay forever, when my act does not involve judgement and decision?
Taking these views into account, one may arrive at the position that love is exclusively an act of will and commitment, and that therefore fundamentally, it does not matter who the two persons are. Whether the marriage was arranged by others, or the result of individual choice, once the marriage is concluded, the act of will should guarantee the continuation of love. 

This view seems to neglect the paradoxical character of human nature and of erotic love. We are all One - yet everyone one of us is a unique, unduplicable entity. In our relationships to others the same paradox is repeated. Inasmuch as we are all one, we can love everybody in the same way in the sense of brotherly love. But inasmuch as we are all also different, erotic love requires certain specific, highly individual elements which exist between some people but not between all.
Both views then, that of erotic love as completely individual attraction, unique between two specific persons, as well as the other view that erotic love is nothing but an act of will, are true - or, as it may be put more aptly, the truth is neither this nor that. Hence the idea of a relationship which can be easily dissolved if one is not successful with it is as erroneous as the idea that under no circumstances must the relationship be dissolved. 

Excerpt from Erich Fromm "The Art of Loving"


I have been trying to find the answer and balance between the two contrasting views on the idea of love. But alas, look at what answers I have gotten, the answer is that there is no answer. It is simply the fusion of the two views and the ability to maintain at the center of it all - with spontaneity and feelings, with commitment, with judgement, and with the promise and will to make it last. And one last aspect I learnt, that to love, is to always do things in consideration for other people other than yourself. It is the act of extending beyond your Self for others.