未来的幸福 还在追逐

11 days since i cried a little, and my heart died a little. I feel so sad I don't know how to express it. Not even in tears.
I will just try.
The painful tightening of the chest. The aching of the heart. The tightening of muscles. The gritting of teeth. The nightmares. The forced nonchalance. The stress. The confusion. A crisis where I am my only buoy. But I flounder because the buoy is anchored to nowhere. Just floating. And floating. And swallowing water down my nose. I never felt so painful. So painful that I can't even flinch because it doesn't occur in a localised area. It's everywhere that I can't hide from. It's from within. It's growing. And it hurts so much.
Every time I tell myself to sleep it off.
And shove the pain under the carpet.
The irony is that the pain is within, and there's no carpet to shove it under. It's within.

Today I told myself to take a lead fall. And I forced myself to release from the last handhold. I fell. At that moment, my heart raced, just right after the fall. And that's it. I got over it. In a moment. I faced my fear.
Today I told myself to face my fear of hurt. And I forced myself to embrace the hurt. Let it wash all over me. Through and through. My heart stopped. And I never got over it stopping. It tightens in that very moment and just stops.