I realised i do have a soft side in me; oh wait, i mean i do have, not that i've realised that. But people hardly see me ever cry and may think i'm a very strong person. Anyway, i found doing things that go against my conscience bugs me a whole lot. Not that i have done many bad things, but then i had VERY rare thoughts about doing them before; but always push them out of my mind because i seem to never be able to execute them. It's like i know i will feel very guilty for the rest of my life if i murder someone. 过与不去。 Is that it? It means my my conscience won't feel good if i had done something wrong.
I thought i might be able to put that person under the "dislike" category, notice i never use "hate". But i still won't go against my own feelings that i will show my concern for the person. I just can't bear to 袖手旁观 (stand aside and see people suffer without lending a helping hand). I've seriously came across some experiences recently that some people can actually just go against their conscience and do nothing about that, even though that person is down there suffering. And that person is not just any other person, but their parent. It pains me. If i do put myself in that person's shoes; do i then realise that i have such "loved" ones that really do "care" about me when i'm in some deep shit. I mean seeing them grow up/feed/clothe them, though the person may not have done his/her part fully as a parent, but afterall, a parent is still a parent. I don't know how living creatures who have feelings can do that...? Maybe it's just me who's never experienced it, and might be prejudice against this whole thing. Even so, no matter how much i dislike one, i won't just stand aside and see him/her fall to his/her own death. I won't betray my own conscience.