Loneliness fills a river of tears

As i travel a long journey home every day after school, i have an ample amount of time to ponder about several things that can't be forgotten by the subconscious mind. It's a non-exhaustive list, from the past to present, right down to the minor details.

I wished i could go back in time, to relive the childhood memories and what i thought of as a happy family. I thought of the times when i used to share a room with my brother, we were very close then, sharing everything from school to crushes and practically everything. If we didn't have to sleep in separate rooms when we shifted, indulging in the abundance of living space, i think the gap between my brother and i wouldn't have widened over the years. If i could rewind, i would rather squeeze in a room with him and talked through the night with the radio on, laughing together and telling each other about our days and friends. If i could spend more time guiding him in the right direction to study more. How we used to share our dreams of going to JC, then to Uni where we would enter together because of the 2 years gap that i would catch up when he serves NS. Things have taken a drastic change. Maybe that's about growing up and having our own lives. I've always admired elder siblings taking care of their younger ones and being a good gorgor/jiejie. Now, i'm only waiting for time to pass...
Is he going to make it or break it?

Then, i thought about my primary school friends. How some of my Seconday friends remind me of them very much. I really missed the innocent times where all we cared about were having fun and teasing each other about our 'new loves'. How everyone loved calling me a tomboy because i was more sporty than some of the boys. If i could tour the school today, i think i'll surely find pieces of my memory lying everywhere cos i left them behind in all places.

I remembered the time when i got chased out of my brother's friend house for not typing something which the mom thought i did. Then i sat outside my own house, key-less with no one at home. I cried and ran to the park. Then sat at the playground and stared till the sky darkened before making my way back to my house at Telok Kurau. Cursing all the way that it was the worst day of my life. I was only Primary 2/3!

And of the many memories in telok kurau, i had much fun playing the playstation when i grew older. And again, all i mixed with were boys and more boys. I play basketball/soccer/playstation/pc games with all my brother's friends. From young, everyone called me javier's sister and didn't seem to mind. But i knew my brother found me a nuisance cos i kept tagging along wherever he went. It was then that i saw how his friends treated their younger siblings with such love that i dreamt of having an older brother like that as well.

Sundays are usually spent at home eating carrot cake/char kuay teow/chee kueh from the market that my parents would always buy back when they went for the week's groceries shopping. Then we would all lie together on the marble floor and watch tv because it was much more cooling. At nights if we were lucky, relatives would come over for the kids to play. From crazy bicycling and screaming to playing with fires. There's nothing we've never done.

There's so many things i really missed and everytime i think about it, all i feel is warmth and love. Tears forcing out of my eyes yet i swallow them in with much difficulty.

It's really been a long time..