If today were your last

I've just watched one of the most inspirational and truthful speeches from Steve Jobs.

He's an amazingly talented guy and his successes are a testament to that.

Today's climbing session at Yishun was one of the best so far since post-MCTs. Every training session I can see marked improvements in my skill and taking it the next level. I hope this is sustained and I'm currently pushing it up to 6b and trying that overhang 6c yet again. I somehow have this fear of really inclined walls and I must learn to deal with this.

It's been a while since I've gotten a flapper. One of the most dreaded injuries that can happen because it affects every single thing that I do. It really reminds me from time to time how the functions of the hands are so important and essential.

It's no fun at all having to deal with a menopausal mom, all the symptoms of being easily annoyed, moody, frustrated and blah blah blah are affecting her so much. It's like a whiplash at me and it's really painful. I can't describe the distance between both of us and the emptiness I feel inside. As if I have suddenly lost a part of me that I'm constantly trying to bury in the midst of all the studying I do at home. One of the greatest reasons I ended the previous relationship was due to all the unhappiness that was caused among the 3 parties. It's very hard to keep up when you don't have your family's support. And I was searching for a middle platform to compromise that I realised there was simply no balance to be found. I had to let go of one side to keep the balance. Looking back now, things haven't improved at all and I think the both of us know deep down that the distance between us is not caused by an external party. I'm really trying hard to figure out what's the problem, but I'm still unable to. I only know I don't feel like I'm me when she's at home. I feel so restrained and suffocated.

Why do I feel so much pain?

I really can't imagine when I've finally achieved all my dreams and goals in the future, only to have lost the most important aspect of my life. Am I really that detestable a daughter? Am I really so cold? So heartless? So emotion-less? There's no real outburst happening, but I can definitely feel the undercurrents building up. Somehow I can see through the facade that we're both trying hard but act as if we don't. It's sooner or later my mom will not be able to take it. What about me?

I really hate myself for being so unnatural and forced at home.

从来快乐悲伤都自己横行
忘了我也值得被关心

其实我也想要拥抱的温柔
融化这颗坚强的泡沫