It's improvement! I'm getting Ds/Es now except for an S. Next I shall be working towards Cs. I am consoling myself that it's improvement but I had expected much better results. I guess it doesn't just happen in 2 months. Blame myself for not studying much at all in J1. But then again! I shall look on the bright side and continue to be motivated to do even better. At least I have moved forward.
Last night as I was reading Blink by Malcolm Gladwell(I have been at it for close to a month now), with the radio playing love songs from class 95, and fatigue overwhelming my brain, I thought about my results in my silence-piercing room. It was close to 11p.m. My usual routine would be to pick up my phone and speed dial to my mom asking her what time she would be coming home. And then, at that very moment, I just didn't want to do it. I know it sounds silly, but I've almost come to a point where I tell myself I don't really care, but in my heart it feels the opposite. What's the point of calling and asking when after all these nonsense she comes home way after I've fallen asleep, probably around 1/2a.m.
As Ms Kwan said in GP lesson just on Wednesday, we were on our Crime & Punishment package and family was one of the reasons why people commit crimes. She mentioned how the conditions of the family plays a large part in people's psyche as well and that includes coming home to a violent abusive parent, or going back to an empty house. I belong in the latter, and I think I was close to committing a crime or at least I quickly stopped myself from thinking negatively.
Tears formed in my eyes as I thought about how much I am studying, and how empty the whole bloody house is, just like how bloody empty I feel in my heart when I am at home.
I remember homes are places where families have meals together, watch the tv, exchange daily events in their lives. And me? My only exchange I have is with my A Level subjects.
I am miserable.
As much as we are functioning under the category of a single-parent family, I feel like I am my only family member. Both my brother and mom treat the house like their night hotel - merely coming home for the tv/bed. I am going crazy. You guys have no idea how envious and jealous I am when I read of all the activities people do as a family. I might as well be better off in an orphanage, maybe there I would at least have people to talk to and love.
Whenever I think of this, I think of Chanel and her lonely 4 wall room. Hahaha...
Hey, at least you still have your ah-ma.
I comfort myself by hugging and loving Sushi(at the very least she reciprocates by loving me back as well), the only other living thing who is at home for me. She can be my "ah-ma" when you are not around.
This is a real mental torture for me every single day. I'm coping. And all that I feel is not hurt, nor anger, nor anguish. It's just overwhelming emptiness - a void.
I feel so hypocritical blogging about happiness and the choice to be happy about my life, and the next moment I'm feeling like shit. It eats my whole heart up despite the joys I derive in school with friends. The nights are as lonely as they can get. So what if she could earn the entire world's income for me? I think she would have least noticed I have vanished as much as time that has been lost and irretrievable.
I was reading the news about the lady jumping off to reunite with her husband. And there were tips on looking out for signs for these people who entertain suicidal thoughts. One particular point struck me - depressed people usually become unusually calm after they have made a decision to end their life.
And I wonder, people always tell me I'm super calm. Is it really because I have found my inner peace?
No worries, the logical part of me always get the better of me in the end.
It will pass, everything will pass. Even if they are lies, I have to continue lying to myself. There are just too much expectations of me and no chance for disappointments. I should be the one who cause no worries and add no burden to the already very stressed sole parent I have and continue to pursue to fit the mould of the perfect daughter any mom could ever wish for.
1 comment:
Would it help if you pen your thoughts, desires to your mum? Of course, it's best to start with you appreciating all that she has done but as you've said it, you wish that she'll cut down on her work and spend more time with the family (or with you). Though there are also some relationship issues (your previous posts), but spending more time together, watching movies, etc, may slowly help to strengthen the bond. All the best! :)
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