Nagging Tasks

I'm pretty sure for every one of you out there, there's just these couple of things that get on your nerves. No matter how much you rant about it, the problem somehow refuses to present its solution to you. And that in itself, is the problem. We keep expecting a solution to appear while sitting by doing nothing for it. I keep complaining, keep whining, keep getting so annoyed and irritable by the same old things, yet it never seem to get better.

And that's when I am enlightened.

I'm simply not doing anything about it to change how things are. Merely complaining about it wouldn't solve anything.

I have communication issues with my mom, but both of us are too damn stubborn to accept the differences in each of our own views to try and communicate properly. She takes on the all-assuming stance, while I am so easily pissed off from her judgemental character. It's quite an evil cycle. I hate it, but I'm not doing anything about it. I don't know where to start.

I heard about the parenting workshop on radio. I am always reflecting on my actions and my words. It's only to her that I'm so easily triggered off. And that's how I have arrived at the conclusion that maybe the problem doesn't lie with me.

So how am I supposed to approach her to tell her that she needs to change her parenting style? It doesn't work for me after I've grown up. She tells me that I've changed. I'm no longer the me I have been. Especially so when she pushes the blame on Wayne and how he has turned me into a superficial materialistic person.

She doesn't seem to accept the fact that I have grown up, and all the old concepts of bringing up a child is different from communicating with a teen properly.

I understand myself through the feedbacks people provide. I'm constantly working on the mould of my character. My thought processes are as much as that of a supercomputer. I just don't understand what flaw of mine could make her be so easily annoyed with me just as how I am with her. It has been quite a deep-rooted problem. She tells everyone she's a very open-minded lady/mother, but is she really? Quick to jump to conclusions coupled with the short temper, all I remind myself is that whatever she is doing is ultimately because she loves me.

But I'm clearly not happy at all.

Trust me, no matter how well I fare in my studies, or how good a person I try to be, as long as this is not solved, i will never be truly happy. Especially not when I live with the family whom is supposedly the closest to me physically, is yet, the furthest emotionally and least understanding people in my life. I'm close to my wits end already, help.

Sometimes, I can't help but wonder, if it would be better if my dad would be here to balance out, to aid her in trying to understand the kids by offering a different point of view. My brother says he definitely did try to make an effort to be more receptive and less stubborn, to listen to what he has to say first before saying what he feels just recently. I'm sure he would be really happy with the way I am devoting my life to studying, because that is ultimately his only wish from the two of us. I wonder, if this is why I gravitate towards males more, because they are less sensitive, less judgemental, and they bear less grudges.

I have all my materialistic wishes fulfilled by my mom and I definitely can feel the love too. But things are just so complicated with her. I crave for a really simple life, maybe that was what he wanted too.

I'm heartbroken by the choices we had to make then. Why was I so easy on letting him go? It was because of our full support that they continued with the divorce. I have an instinct, that sometimes my brother also craves for the life before, because she is too complicated for him as well. And these are the kind of things that I call permanent mistakes with irreversible consequences. Why was I given such heavy responsibilities in making decisions that would impact the rest of my life at a tender 14 years old?

I have really changed so much. I can see the dots connecting now after going through it. But back then, I was just swimming with blurred vision, groping with intangible things, and clouded by naive judgements. If I had a chance to change one thing about my life, it would be this.

The pain is still so raw even after a good four years have passed. I have witnessed too much unhappiness a destructive family unit can bring, too much quarrels, and a suicide on the day of the Mid-Autumn festival. Of all days why Mid-Autumn? Because it signifies the coming together of families, sitting together and enjoying each other's company. It might have been her way of serving as a permanent reminder to the next and future generations of the importance of building a family. I cry, not because of the death, but because of the extent of hurt it has brought upon to so many people. The simplicity of family - how so many of my peers are blissfully enjoying and taking for granted.

Treasure the present, seize each day.

I might be sceptical, or unwaveringly harsh in my words, but that is only because I have experienced what it really means to have everything falling away, leaving only the most important in the face of death.

Have the courage to do what's right, no matter how 99% of the rest might think it's wrong. After all, it's your life. You have the final say.