Nurture potential

The greatest encouragement, I realised, doesn't come from just about anybody. Compliments might be rare in general while criticisms occur almost on a daily basis. I don't know if it's a form of motivation or the constant raising of the bar for me, I can't even remember the last time my mom said something nice about me. To think that the person who is the closest to me, is in fact, the greatest demoraliser if there is even such a word. Always nitpicking about little things, grousing just about everything, I am always under this label of a good for nothing.

First it was my A level results. True enough I'm disappointed with it, but I got over it and looked ahead. She has to tell the world how disappointed she is and how much I'm not up to her expectations. Then just recently with all the applications for universities, I'd wanted to include my work experience as well. So I had her read the recommendation letter written and commented by superiors I've worked with, just to give her an idea of the performance of my work and as a review of what colleagues thought of me. Instead of feeling proud of me, she took on an accusatory tone and questioned if I'm really as a good as the contents of the letter, if I could stand by it when questioned by interviewers if shortlisted. It was demoralising for a start in the amount of confidence she had in me, and the way she said it was as good as "you don't so ya ya papaya people say you like that only become proud". Perhaps she'd never knew me as being humble I believe.

I don't think it's incredulous for me to expect her to just break into a smile and at least say something encouraging because the letter is coming from a third party's point of view, and it's not merely biased opinions because more than 1 individual contributed to it. I really don't understand the point of bringing me down and questioning me like I'd crafted the thing to sell my soul to whatever Universities I've applied for.

It might have been these things accumulating, I seem to be making a mountain of a molehill now. While watching Secrets for Sale on channel U with her, after the supporting cast, Stanley, was exposed of his doings, she said "斯文败类!", and went on to point at me and say “你也是斯文败类的".

If it's merely a matter of insensitivity, I might be able to accept. I've been giving in, tolerating, not even saying anything defensive and simply remaining quiet, but it doesn't mean that I don't have any pride and i'm lying if I say it doesn't hurt me at all.

I had this conjecture that it might be the way all parents tend to behave to their children, because colleagues who are slightly reaching mid life and still don't have any children, have very different perspectives of dealing with matters and human emotions. Is it really such a changing process? Parents always say they want their child to succeed, but why when I shine, I get thrown back into dirt to start all over again?

Everybody always expects more, to break limits, to make breakthroughs. It's the art of kite-flying; letting go and reeling of the string at intervals to let it fly up high. It's not pulling the rubber band till it over-stretches and breaks.