Love

There have been so many coincidences. Ruby thanks for having this on your blog, I can totally relate to this so so much.

the vulnerabilities in us is
what makes us human and not machines.
The feeling of pain reminds us that we are alive,
that we feel,
and it compels us to do greater stuff.

You always remind me that I am the sensitive and caring Jac, that I have so much capacity in me to love. Because I always doubt myself in this area, I always feel like a machine. I do what is best and right, not what my heart wants me to. Thanks for reminding me who I am.

Threading on a thin line as if on a tightrope, only there ain't no mats or nets to catch my fall and if I do fall, it's into a deep darkness that I can't even see the bottom of it. Setting the first step out now I can't just turn around and go back to safety, it's near impossible, that would just make me fall right down into nothingness. As wild as it might be, I enjoy the thrill it brings. I want to feel alive. I want to feel what raw pain is. Not to self mutilate, but for my heart to feel its depth. I have been skimming the surface of my heart, sweeping everything under the rug whenever I feel anger, sadness, shame. I want to feel so much pain that it makes me cry out. I want to feel so much joy it makes me a warm person to be around. I want to give everything I've got and if I had to fall, I want to fall down hard, real hard. So that I can call it a valuable experience, something that makes me stronger. I'm tired of protecting myself, I want to feel real emotions.

Let me fall... if I am going to. Right now, I feel so hard to cry. It really sucks. I almost forgot what tears are. And I want the warm feeling rolling down my cheeks, I want to feel.. human.

I want to peel myself open like an onion, layer by layer, let it sting the eyes, let the tears roll. Because then I know that it's real.