Fickle

"Never make someone your priority, because they may only make you an option."

I doubt the level of consciousness and emotional control I have over myself.
Why are there factors that are beyond my control? What more, they are only in the mind. I can't even control the way I feel about things. It changes as fast as the air comes and goes.

The fickle-mindedness and unpredictability of my own thoughts sometimes leave me fighting my own inner war when the world hasn't moved an inch since I've had a drastic shift in my own axis.
Compared to many, I already have quite a good level of nonchalance in many things around. Yet, I still have inconsequential things that affect me so easily. And all of it are but merely my own thoughts and assumptions. How silly I can be sometimes. I always remind myself that, that is particularly why I don't put myself in that vulnerable position.

I recall what Sherwin asked me rhetorically, why I can be so single and happy, and why he can't.

I think the uncertainty about people make me not trust anyone that easily as I have trusted routines.
But if people turned into routines, then what fun is there right?

Seriously, I am still in this half-hearted stage of deciding what I really want for myself. I still can't figure. And when I thought I figured, external events/people rock my emotions so bad, I have second thoughts about it.

But why let the external environments dictate my response? It's so much easier to be said than done.
When I threw myself in a world of solitude, I had prepared for all that is to come. And even in that aloneness, at least there was stability and predictability in my life. I need that sense of security.
You know?
Destined to be by myself, because I can only predict my own emotions and still live with it when it does change. And with that, I think that aspect of me has a very girl-like quality to it. Our mood changes as fast as you can ask if we're ok. Damn. I thought at least I was slightly different here.