Sibling Love

There's something in me that can't resist showering my brother with gifts. Call it sister love if you will. But I never knew I was capable of loving my brother in such a way. I think as much as I speak badly about him and disapprove of his lifestyle, he very much remains to be the only brother I can ever have.

I have since lost count of the number of times I walked past shops thinking how nice this shirt will look on him, or how nice this pair of shoes will suit him. The lingering thought of how he consistently doesn't have enough money to buy necessary things like these to pamper himself. Or perhaps he chooses to pamper himself in other self-deprecating ways I dislike. 

The point is, I have unconsciously forked out so much without so much a thought as long as it makes him happy, which I think is really nice because I enjoy surprising people sometimes. But I don't know how much of it does he really appreciate.

The only times he cares so much to sit beside me and talk to me are the times he asks me meekly for some money to tide him through till his pay comes again. I am like his second mother who would sustain him because his real first mother has given up hopes on the way he handles his finances. I gave him a long reasoning of how I should not be acceding to his requests time and again whenever he runs out of money because I am merely condoning his inability to manage his finances properly and I will always be his safe harbour providing this ultimate reliance. What if the next time he demands not hundreds but thousands to tide him through? As much as I will be able to have such spare cash on hand to give, I don't know how I am helping him in any way in teaching him how to manage well for his future. 

But oh to my weak soft heart, I gave in again after the long reasoning. Why, oh why do I feel like a mother talking reason with her son knowing he's merely sitting there treating it as a 'nagging' phase before getting the money on hand. 

Sigh. 

I ask myself if I have ever received anything from him thus far, and the answer is no.

I just keep a hand made birthday card I received from him when I was in Primary school. And you have no idea how valuable that little card is to me. 

The things we all take for granted in life. I will still continue to give with no expectations though. But how to handle this awkward situation where I am putting myself on the line of not receiving allowance if I continue to condone his spendthrift ways?