The answer to my dilemma

Okay, call this coincidence or what, but I happen to randomly chance upon this article which somewhat provides an answer to my elaborate dilemma as described in the previous post below. After so long, I think I kinda knew that the answer had been this, just that I didn't know how best to express that idea and someone comes along and plonk it down in such a beautiful manner that I've been wanting to achieve. He says it best here on finding my answer with regards to the behaviour/communication in any relationship.

 To be strong is to show our weakness 

“I wish you were more emotive sometimes. You’re always so damned stoic.” 

Yet, I like that I’m stoic. I’m proud of the fact that few people and few things can faze me nowadays. I’m proud of the fact that I rarely lose my temper or spew my emotions on someone. I’m proud of this new-found manliness that I’ve uncovered, and of how strong I am today.

At the same time, there have been a couple close friends who’ve gotten me to open up, whom I’ve shown my vulnerabilities to.

Re-examining these relationships, I had a minor epiphany:

It takes a lot more emotional strength to let myself be vulnerable than just to close myself off. It’s much harder to talk about my feelings with a boyfriend than just to maintain my stoicism all the time. I realize now that “showing weakness” does not equal “weak.” 

In fact, it takes a ton of strength to reveal my weaknesses, to open up to someone intimate. It’s hard to tell another person about my wildest dreams or my deepest fears. It’s hard to tell another person how much I would miss him if I were to lose him. So, if these things are so hard to say, what could possibly be weak about saying them? 

Of course, there’s a flip side to all this. Revealing my vulnerability to someone doesn’t mean that I allow myself to become completely dependent on him, to start basing my entire existence on his presence, to pine for him when he leaves town for a week. Because, god damn, have I made that mistake, too. 

It’s okay to cry in front of my boyfriend once in a while. It’s not okay to cry in front of my boyfriend every day. And, as the cliché goes, therein lies the rub…. 

To me, showing vulnerability to a significant other is kind of like holding up a barbell with bent arms. It’s easy to just let the entire weight drop to the floor. It’s also relatively easy to lock out my arms in full extension. 

It’s not so easy to hold that midway point.

And this is how emotional strength works. To me, being weak is unleashing all of our suffering in a constant barrage of emotional vomit. Being weak is also holding everything in and never showing one ounce of emotion.

No, if we truly want to be strong, we can’t live our life at the emotional extremes, either dumping everything on our partner or just cramming it all down into our innards. We have to find that perfect balance of controlling ourselves, yet being open and communicative with our partner. We have to find that just-right, Goldilocks balance of emotion and control.

And we have to hold that barbell with our arms bent… forever.

To me, that’s what it means to be strong, whether we’re man or woman.

Credits

He couldn't have said it better. This is what I've been trying to say, all this while.