Realization

Not too long ago, my mom posted a simple question to me -
"Girl, are you happy?"

That was probably with reference to the current state of affairs of having shifted to a beautiful place with all of us settling down comfortably and my dream of being close to school coming true, as well as various other dreams that I once had (like having a poster bed).

I could choke up a satisfactory reply to that, maybe a weak "yes".

Just last night, she randomly stopped me in my thoughts and asked me again.
I couldn't even lie to myself.
I couldn't bring myself to say the "yes" that she wanted to hear.
I couldn't even bring myself to hear the lie. And I kept quiet.

How now brown cow?

What's the state of things? What's the state of my mind? I know it's not a truthful yes I can say... Perpetually sad and depressed, and the worst part of it all is that I can't even pinpoint to something to weed the source of it all. It just overwhelms me and I don't know when I can start saying yes to that question.