Why?

I've been thinking about it and starting to notice the major mood swings i have at different locations with different groups of people. The only place i call home, is one where i come back, feeling relaxed, no doubt; but i just don't know why, i have a gloomy feel as well.
It seems so 'dead' at home. There's no life. Literally, there's only me, in a big 'empty' space.

And not that i don't have any 'exciting' things to do, but, it seems so lonely. I feel lonely. I think Chanel understands the feeling. In a confined room, with nothing but you and your com and bed. The only things to do: Use the com, sleep, read, study. It's a perfect conducive learning environment, but it's not a perfect place for one to grow up in.

I don't have the best of both worlds. A well-to-do, and happy family. At least i have one.

Most of the closer families around me are not well-to-do, but at least they have a loving family for them. The way they bond and shower their love for each other; money can never replace that scene that is so normal for them, and yet so rare for me.

I don't deny i have a loving parent. I get the best of one world, one mom. I have the full love a mom's role can offer. But i'll never have the privilege to enjoy the other half. Maybe not this life. And yet, I don't blame anyone now. I did, last time i did, i blamed my mom for not marrying a better man. I blamed the house. I blamed everyone, but myself.

Slowly, as i mature and understand the situation in different perspectives, it seems that nothing can salvage this once thing that ever happened to me. Maybe it'll leave something in me. Maybe, i'll remember it for the rest of my life. Maybe, i'll hate the person i loved. Maybe i'll forgive. Maybe i'll forget. Maybe i'll learn. Uncertainties. But i know i will never blame. I will never let it devour me. I will never carry this burden with me when i move on.
It's hard to say that i'm glad it happened before. It takes a lot of willpower to convince myself. But someday, i know i will be able to. How happy can i be to lose something almost too many people take for granted? But if i don't get over it. I will carry this shadow with me into my future. And that's something i do not wish.

It has forced me to mature. Forced me to think more like an adult at a teenage age. Forced me to grow up to who i am today.
It's a privilege not everyone has.
It's the key thing that has shaped me to better my life, to lead the way i want it to be. People my age might not understand the many difficulties that i have gone through to who i am today and that i might just be putting on a facade that i'm trying to be smart, yet i don't blame them. I love myself totally just the way i am. I'm unique. And someday, i know i will stand out from the rest. People who knows me, understands me inside out. People who don't know me, catch a glimpse of me and remains in the dark. That's how vague it is.

人没有智慧，无所谓，最重要是要有修养.