Thursday, October 29, 2009

even though it's a baby step, it's still a step

Good news is that I am officially going to be in J2 next year without having to drop any of my 4H2s, bad news is that I am stuck in a dilemma whether to drop Physics or Lit or none. See, sometimes bad things come in disguise too. I know I'm taking the easy way out of this... but i really don't want to make the same mistake of holding onto 2 pure sciences like in Sec 4 and getting B3 for both when I could have gotten A1 for combined science. I really cannot make this decision, and they are giving us toooo little time. Sigh... i need advice, but at the end of the day I will still be the one deciding, so that still leaves me with being stuck in a dilemma.

My hands are feeling raw and nice. It's kinda puffy and swollen but I like it. I know it sounds sadistic, but it kinda feels weird to not have that kind of feeling for soooo long. My climbing is slowly picking up..slowly i'm sure. Hopefully i'll be able to last throughout for climb on. At the pace that i'm picking it up, i worry that i might disappoint myself on Saturday.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Promo results

It's going to be the day tomorrow, I wonder how many tears will be shed, be it joy or sorrow.
I'm only dying to know how I've fared for physics and econs. The rest can go fly kite.
Cross my heart and fingers that I have no problem promoting. There's just too much other things to worry about than not promoting.

Climb on is coming by too fast. It feels sooooo good to be climbing again. I love the feeling being on the high wall, the adrenaline rush of reaching the top and shouting for tight, the breeze on the face when I'm being lowered, the laughter and jokes shared inside the cosy B area, and most of all, the smile on Philip's face yesterday when he was with us after the loooooongggg hiatus! I've never seen him this happy, or maybe it was just me. HAHA...

The to-do list have been striked off with ktv session, movie outings, shopping trip(not exactly), chill-out sessions. There's still so much more to do...!

I swear i'm going to work my body out so much with the start of this new climbing season and achieve another new high. Titans made me see pain as pleasure, nice.

Oh did i forget to mention? KI Room is the nicest place in school to chill out, sing songs, talk cock, pillow fight and what not, but with the a/c turned on. I love 28/09 so much.

too many things

The first wave of events are finally over. Bye to Promos & Titans, the 2 biggest worries during the past weeks. I can take a breather for now... before the next wave of PW and climbing training set in.

I'm pretty upset that at the 17th year of my life, I have been through too much and too fast of what's in store for life. I want things to be a little simpler for me to appreciate what typical 17 year olds would appreciate. The thrill of doing things without a care in the world seems appealing but in reality it will never happen.

I have always looked at the brighter side of life, looked at the cup of water being half full and looked at the black clouds knowing the sun will appear... and will always remain that way.
No matter how much drama there is in my life that I can write a script, it's simply just making me see things a little less important. Especially things which i thought mattered a lot have faded over time.

2009 might be coming to an end... it has been a tough year for me. At least tougher than the previous year. Just when I thought i had the worst, another huge tide comes washing over me making the previous troubles so minuscule. I have toughen up a lot over the past year both physically and mentally. I have learnt to take things in my stride - live and let live. At the end of the day, no one but myself can bring me down.

Studies are important, but they are just a part of life. Some people's lives only revolves around their studies that I think the meaning is lost, yet some are so nonchalant about it that it's quite irksome. Few have yet to find that balance... yet to prioritise what's most important. Some study for themselves, some study for knowledge, some study for their future, and the most useless ones(in my opinion) who study for their parents. We are all pretty clear of who falls into which category... If only people widen their minds - listen more; talk less, observe more; judge less, we'd just be a little more understanding that way. Understanding of how different people function and carry themselves.

Troubles make you lose focus in life... and change perspectives about many values and beliefs.
The first blow was the parents' divorce over financial matters, then disagreements with my mom over the different expectations of a boyfriend, next was paternal family falling out over money, then paternal grandma committing suicide on mid-autumn festival, now it's maternal family falling out over money.

I wonder what's next...
If i could have a wish granted - it would be to have too much money to throw at all these people(and hopefully drown them in money) to make them happy if that's what's enough to make them happy.
Is money really the most important thing & the key to happiness in life?

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Serenity

Sushi has always brought moments of joy in my life since the day she joined our household. She does little things to capture the hearts of my family. These days she has this habit of what my mom noted as "望情郎", or in other words, looking for the love of her life, every single morning. After bouncing off for breakfast just before I get out of bed, she would purr at me when I go out to take breakfast, then she would tag along with me into the room and jump up onto the top of the couch and look out of the window.


The naughty little girl would occasionally turn around to see if my mom and I are done getting ready to leave the house for school. She can simply stay there for long hours staring out the window. There were times when I heard some bangs against the window while I was sleeping and I realised she was trying to jump out to catch those tweety birds out there. Curiosity sure kills the cat, lucky those windows are kept forever closed.

The 2nd day of Promos period, I have Lit and Math left to go. The past 2 days have been spent studying as if there's no tomorrow. Sunday was spent busy cramming a whole year's Physics work. Monday came, and Physics wasn't quite what I would call easy even though I had spent the most time studying hoping to get a good grade, then it was GP till 5p.m.
It was the longest day of my life as I had to rush home to start on Econs which I had barely even touched. Again, another night of cramming a year's work. Burning midnight oil isn't fun at all, the head feels so fuzzy after that and it doesn't recover the next morning.
Today after Econs, I feel so relieved.

Headed back home to catch up on the past days newspapers that I have left untouched because I was simply too busy to engage in any leisure activities. I planned to take a half hour nap to catch up on some sleep but who knows, one nap = 2 hours. Literally felt my whole body shut down and switched off trying to replenish the lost sleep.

Who knows, I woke up to a little princess by the foot of my bed, yet again - deep in sleep.
She's super loyal to me somehow. The only person she sleeps with on the same bed is me. When my mom takes naps in the noons, she would take her own nap at the carpet or somewhere around the curtains, never on the same bed with my mom.

Cute and cuddly, she's still busy sleeping... lucky kiddo! I might as well just change her name to PIG -- always pestering people to bring her to eat and always sleeping when there's nothing else to do.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Desires

I have never relished the fact that guys engage escort services or are in involved with the commercial sex scene. The majority paying for these services are surprisingly local Singaporean men who are working executives in their mid 20s to 30s. The next big group would be the older Chinese men in their 50s to 60s. The innocent Singapore heartlanders always choose to live in denial that the foreign workers are the ones patronizing these red-light districts, but if we really consider their meager pays into account, how long can they upkeep this lifestyle?

Men stand by their beliefs that there is the carnal instinct deep within them that drives them to what they do. I beg to differ.

I'm not saying that humans be rid of their desires. Without desires, we wouldn't be living a purposeful life. We would just be cold humans void of feelings with no wish to live nor die.
But that we can always maintain the constant rational decision making part of us which i would like to call the angel inside us to make informed choices. The devil is the arch enemy of angel and more often than not always win these tough battles of ill-informed choices.
It's hard to drill the mind to always do the 'right' things because we are always influenced by too many other factors around us that might not be within our control, hence we just give in to our carnal instincts and blame it on nature.

Just beware... don't get caught with your pants down.
It's the same as smoking - don't try it, don't get hooked. Because prevention is always easier than cure. Is it really worth putting yourself back by that few tens to hundreds of dollars for a minute of exhilaration which makes you crave for more?

You never know where the HIV virus might be lurking and attack you when you least expect... or risk facing the breakdown of a family unit you worked so hard at building because of a moment's folly.

Friday, October 09, 2009

Life story

I can totally just write a script for the next drama serial on Channel 8 on the story of my life.
Is kinship only worth that few thousand dollars?

Why...why...why... do people around me keep falling out over money matters.
It's merely a medium of exchange... and it has stirred quite a lot of troubles up lately.
Blood is always thicker than water or so they say, sometimes, i wonder how true that is because apparently the blood in my case is so much more diluted than money thrown into water.

Saturday, October 03, 2009

void

Just a mere 3 hours ago, I saw the lifeless body of my only surviving grandparent, close to 80 years of age - dad's mom, with a cloth still tied securely around her neck, laid on the bed just beside the spot where she hung herself, urine stains were visible on the floor as well. The deep bluish colour in the lips, fingers and feet prominently stood out from the rest of her pale skin. Her shriveled self and little body just laid there immobile in her senior citizen apartment. I stood at the feet of the bed and looked on...

I couldn't feel anything at all... just the numbness of the passing of a relative. How life has just ended and it reminded me of how my mom always say that we come into the world with nothing and leave the world with nothing... it's the whole process that matters and how much you want to leave an impact behind on others when you're gone.

I've personally never felt any warmth or love from my granny with the fact that the only conversations we've ever had were *in canto* "sek fan ah sek fan" or "吃饱了吗" or "吃多一点". Basically it's all revolving around me having my stomach's fill.

People always say learn from the wise men... and that old people have wisdom. I have learned a lot from my grandma, in a different perspective though. The most important lessons I've learned is how not to allow my future children abandon me and throw me to 'enjoy' my retired years alone in a senior citizen's flat.

It runs in the family... and i'm glad to be dissociated with the blood. I don't know how to bring myself to respect the elders who are my uncles and aunties when they can't even be a good example to their children. Out of the 5 siblings, one has remarried and brought his pregnant wife just now, one has went to look for other women and my dad has never appreciated what my mom had done. Just looking at the various scenarios, don't they all just say something? Great parental upbringing... i might be in no position to comment, but I can judge for myself. The older generation has definitely not taught the children well to treasure a family and devote their life to it.

With zero surviving grandparents now, and that has no link to what i want to say next... but she reinforces how much more i want to do for my future family life...do all those that she has never fulfilled.
I want to bring love to my future kids, future grand kids and shower never-ending love on my future husband to build the ideal family together with me. Family is one thing that surpasses everything else and I will invest my life building it.