I've found out something that's not affecting my studies and that's the computer. I managed to get by the week without turning on the computer at all and surprisingly my studies took a back-flip. Everything did not go smoothly for me this CNY week.
I have lost all the CNY mood(well I had hardly any to begin with), and all I've been feeling is not a well deserved break but loads of catching up to do from orientation week. I am struggling like crazy, and I don't know why. I just feel like I'm suffocated by so much work, the feeling of lagging behind tutorials is akin to attending class taught in an unknown language.
Every single festive season is bound to kick up some dust off the bitter memory lane, re-opening the wounds over and over. I force myself to cry to let out the tension and it's somehow useful. I know right, it's so silly to be forcing but it actually feels good after that. I guess it's a natural body function and violence not only does nothing to help and scares my dear Sushi.
Those times when you feel like the world is against you, it feels crap.
It takes my focus off and it's stupid because I know it's not an excuse. Every class I will be so attentive that it's draining at the end of the day, then I get home only to start the round 2 by doing all the work due and the workload seems to be never-ending.
The whole week gets by like that, day after day, night after night, study, sleep, study sleep. I feel so lifeless.
The moment I want to create some space for myself to breathe, I feel the inclination to start studying again. I sound crazy and it has been a really bad week.
Climbing is not going as well as I had hoped it would. I give it my best but I feel it's not enough. The feelings of exasperation and disappointment are overwhelming. Emotions run wild and I somehow keep giving in to negativity. What happened to me? I seem to have lost my compass, my directions.
During these times of desperation, when someone shows just a little bit of concern, it means the world to me and I can never ask for a better coach.
Studying makes one go only this far... and I have thoughts sometimes questioning if it's all worth it giving up the soul.
After all, I've always gotten the morals lecture from my mom that the more I study, the more useless a daughter I've become as compared to my brother. Is it a fair balance -- The brain flourishes but the heart empties out. Sometimes I hate myself for the hardened exterior, and the vulnerable inner core. I even wonder why I let others judge me and let it affect me.
I need some optimism injected to my very veins.
My thoughts are flying everywhere and this post is really messy but I have no idea at how I should reorganize the paragraphs because like the title says...
I received a huge $500 angbao from my dad, it's huge in relative comparison because to him, parting 50 cents to his daughter is like asking for his life. I hate it when my life stabilizes and then something always have to happen to tip it over. This is one of those moments. I feel so distant from him like I've never known him in my entire life. The $500 to make up for the absence? The care? The love? The responsibility? The guilt? I don't know. My mom said to give him a chance, and to give myself a chance as well.
I try. It's hard when I see a simple happy family doing something as simple as having a meal together. And I hate it when my mom, who wants a family to be like a family but has to work 5 days a week till past midnight, leaves an empty house to me. What is a home when it's so cosy yet so void of human presence. My brother doesn't help at all and those words that he said ring in my mind everytime I dream of a holiday overseas with just the 3 of us. My world crashed when he said he'd rather go for a holiday with his future family than with this current one. I would do anything to be in the shoes of others who go for holiday family trips year after year.
This is a really good life lesson to me because I learn to treasure only when I have lost. And now there's only those fantasies I entertain from time to time.
No comments:
Post a Comment