Phase

It's late nights like these that I spend so much time procrastinating on the net, randomly surfing nothing in particular, looking through photos, reading articles, pondering and reflecting over thoughts that weren't entertained during busy days of the week.

It's addictive, I tell myself I need more sleep, earlier nights to prevent the saggy/wrinkled eye bags forming. I just can't bear to turn off the screen.

Time and again, I love going back into the past, nostalgic and humorous at best, melancholic and disgusted at worst. This blog has been with me through so many ups and downs in my life. From 2005, I've gone through tons of phases. Skating, netball, skating again, experiencing my first relationship, doing many firsts things, getting out of a relationship, being actively involved in climbing, graduation from O level, then A level. Friends at different stages, come and go. Grow and grow. Everything keeps evolving, changing, mutating. Some worse off, some better off. Life has been quite crazy for me.

At every stage, I've always commonly hear people leaving remarks about my maturity. Today, my uncle/aunt left some words that I pondered upon. They reminded me not to be absorbed into the adult world so soon, to behave like a child, a teenager, to enjoy a burden-free childhood, that some things ought to be left to worry in adulthood, not now. And it hit me, that all I've been thinking, isn't about going out with friends to party, socialising, getting dead drunk, or anything silly or outrageously fun. What I've been thinking, is about the future, my education, my career, improving myself in all aspects, earning to upkeep the family, taking up responsibilities to care more, learning to deal with conflicts at work. I'm consistently making small goals and giving the commitment to reach each one. From attaining a driving license in the shortest possible time, to finding time to climb. I feel good, a sense of accomplishment when I actually do attain it.

I fathom marrying, starting a family. All of these ordinary thoughts that linger in the mind. Sometimes I look at friends my age, flipping through clubbing pictures, shopping pictures, going overseas etc, I wonder to myself, why have I not gone through this phase, only to skip the whole thing altogether? Shopping is merely on a needs basis and till date I've not clubbed yet.

I get excited thinking about closing sales. Nerves tingle when I do each task at work in the shortest possible time. I love leaving people impressed, even if it's little things.

Having watched limitless, I actually can feel the sense of clarity the people felt when they took the drug, NZT. My direction has always been clear, and I do all it takes to reach the destination. I might fall short sometimes, but I'm always getting closer. I wonder where I get all this drive from. Sometimes when I go into a daze, I think of many things that have become overated. Sex, prostitutes, alcohol, smoking, and whatever vices there are; all of it are just largely blown out of proportion by social media.

After working for close to 5 months now, I have gained an invaluable amount of

knowledge/experience both in the soft and hard skills there are to learn. I am better in my judgement of many matters, I have grown even more patience than I previously had, and I learn to respect colleagues who deserve it. Though merely at 18 years old, sometimes I feel given more time, I could out-do what some 30, 40 year old manages. I figured it could be the hard headedness older people tend to be when they age. The assumption that age comes with wisdom leaves people thinking they know much more than they actually do, and they behave in a way that makes them superior over others, which, puts them at a disadvantage, because they shut their learning mindset and insist on being right.

I've seen people with and without education certifications, having years of experience in the industry, and I made some observations, that qualification level only play so much at the surface level, it really lies in the individual's capacity to improve and learn. Some people have appetites way higher than others, achieving success much earlier, even without the additional advantage of having qualifications. While the rest have better qualifications becoming stagnant because of complacency.

Psychologically, mannerisms and dispositions play a huge role in getting someone to like you. Words alone merely remain as words. Gestures and postures are so important, or at least, to me. I observe small little things and it gets to me. And when we really do get into the cycle of deciding to like/dislike someone/something, it keeps going the same way and the feeling intensifies.

I'm trying to find some love, something redeemable about what I feel about certain things at home or in the office, but the usually optimistic me, just can't find it. It shows... and I'm growing tired of it. So tired.. that sometimes I just can't control the tears and let it flow. Certain things are really beyond our control. I can't change the way I think about it, and neither is the situation getting better. It annoys me thoroughly.

I need an inspiring book to change the way I think.

It's an apt moment

but FML sometimes.

At this point in time, Sushi's roving eyes and head keep following my mouse cursor on the screen while she's sitting in front of me before the keyboard, it's epic funny.