Taking away some of the privileges in life, I am surprised at my own sensibility and adaptability in adjusting myself to live humbly. The best part is, while introspecting, I'd realised I have even found some optimism in the situation. To many, taking the public transport has become a part of life. It has been a part of my life since Secondary school as well. Only that, I'd be blessed with much ferrying about by my mom because she reckoned she could do anything just to make us feel a bit more comfortable than we already are. So I'd sailed through 4 years taking the bus, then another 2 years taking the bus, while witnessing my brother having a car to call his own. I vaguely remember a promise that I would somehow have my own cute little lady car to drive if I do get into University. That was then.
After gaining admission into University, I have acquired my own driving license. But not a vehicle to call my own. How many lucky children really get to drive their own cars to school, seriously? Each time I stepped into my mom's car, I would think of how grateful I am to be behind the wheel, at this age, especially. I couldn't fathom a car of my own at this age, honestly, as much as it would make life more luxurious and comfortable than it already has been for me.
With a turn of events, I stopped driving to school for this semester. I secretly enjoyed having some personal time to catch up on leisure reading while taking the train. The good 7 minutes walk to and fro the station, I pictured building a good stamina for climbing. Honestly, I think I'm crazy to find something good in everything that I do. I enjoyed not having to deal with traffic. Because I always believed in not worrying about something I didn't have control over. And, I didn't have control over the traffic. But it often made me late. Driving to school was supposed to save time, increase efficiency you know. But it has backfired. I'm glad I'm not driving this sem. I'm glad to strip away all the nonsense teasing I get from driving to school. I'm quite tired. I'm not that special. I'm not spoilt. I still function equally well with more simplicity in life.
As my mom was watching a random show on television, she remarked about simple people caring about siblings and having true concern for each other. She pictured building a stable financial foundation for us, and our cousins, and that we would grow up and build our own corporate paradise as a large family. Such huge dreams and big shoes to fill. She used to often talk about my coldness and nonchalance as I became more educated. I couldn't see the reason why she'd think that way. As if education would make a person's moral values disappear gradually. She said the more educated a person becomes, the more selfish he would be. And she was seeing that in me. I was obviously feeling that it was a very absurd and unreasonable perception she had of me.
But then, over these past months of being in where the real higher education is, I start feeling and seeing so much more. I start understanding. I felt for myself the reason why she made that comment. It was all over, all around. Even if I told myself to believe in the good side, it was there. Face value. A fact. You didn't have to analyse it, nor think critically about the matter. It was everywhere, in everyone. Something about higher education and the transformational process we all go through.
I have always been particularly annoyed with peers who die also refuse to let others know their marks. I bitch about it, and then forget about it. It's innate in everyone of us to compare. The theory of relativity. The whole bell curve system? That's the essence of relativity. Aside from my pet peeve - people and their mysterious CAP scores, I have been on this arduous journey in seeking sincere people out of this sea of talent. Everyone around me is brimming with intelligence. Intellectual stimulating conversations become a norm. But it's been so hard, finding someone simple, sincere and down-to-earth. Everyone we meet is internally judged in our system of how useful this person is to our own selfish needs.
I am reminded of how my mom always remind me to not despise people without education, because education kills the humanity in us. I believe she is referring to this right now. Where I am right now, in this place of official higher education, all of us have regressed in our personal education.
I am disappointed.
I came to University to seek clarity and purpose, to strive in higher goals. To find my own calling.
Not to a place of selfish people, seeking every mean, to put someone below, just to be higher. Everyone becomes quantifiable by their CAP score, somehow. So much so that the content of character is directly proportional to this particular score. Every thing and every one is talking about is competition. In climbing, in studying. Everything.
It's not competition I seek.
It's fulfillment. It's betterment. Sometimes I wonder, where do we go from here? After good grades, after more money, then what?
We have lost ourselves.
I don't want to lose myself in this journey of higher education.
I'd gladly sacrifice some CAP 5 to retain this humanity in me, in all earnestness of bumping into another sincere person who thinks likewise. I still have some positivity. It's not that bleak, maybe it'll get better, or worse, I can't say for sure. But I do know for sure, that if I were given a chance to strip away everything in life right now? The first thing I'd screw, is results. Because it makes us forget that we were born to love and care for others, regardless of money. Suddenly the Civics and Moral Education we had in Primary school seems more applicable in University.
No comments:
Post a Comment