I think it gets a little philosophical here. Of the works that I have been reading from the world's greatest psychologists/philosophers around, many of them propose things that aren't new to us. They merely propose ideas in ways that we have grown to not accept them.
Not many people can understand philosophy, neither can I, because of our own view that has hardened while we grow. Our thickened skulls filled with our own perceptions and beliefs cannot possibly accept the intuitively-wrong ideas that these philosophers present.
I was trying to explore the aspect of finding myself while falling in love. There are certain emotions that are so strong, that are beyond your control. And there are these particular situations where the more you try to have control over, the more you won't experience the fullness of it.
Having been accustomed to having quite a good grip on my emotions, when someone comes along who matters to me, I start losing control. I get so easily affected, be it in the positive or negative way. I have read a lot on responding to external stimuli. And I wished to create a second level of awareness in which I have the ability to step back and rationalise my actions and emotions. But the whole notion of love has got my ability to reason disappear.
The notion of falling in love is to be vulnerable. You let your heart down, unguarded, and allow the person whom you have fallen for to take it in his hands and care for it. Without having the knowledge of what "care" means to you in your own dictionary, you go ahead and take that risk.
I cannot do that. I've not been able to do that. Maybe that's why I don't like the unpredictability of falling in love. Is there such a thing as being past the passage of falling in love, and just be in love? Because being in love, you know the commitment of the person, and this commitment becomes undying. And with that certainty, I only dare put myself out there, because no matter what happens, this commitment will bound us as one.
I have almost peeled to the onion core. Why are you so good in allowing me to express myself in ways I never knew I could?
2 comments:
I feel the same way as you do.
The only difference is that I've been emotional and sentimental right from the very start; and with falling in love, my emotions get in the way even more.
And maybe it's because the contrast for you is so much greater, you feel the need to go back to the ground you knew, the controlled self, the ability to know, to understand. Love takes away that ground-ness and you can't bear for it to.
But you're not losing yourself; you just see it as that because it has never been otherwise.
I just want to say, loving someone- not just boy-girl relationships, but every other close hearted relationship needs you to fall right through. To go to the very end, to feel all the emotions there is to feel. Only then have you truly live to love.
It's not easy giving, and sometimes you wonder how you can just give so wholeheartedly, so endlessly, so beyond yourself. but just go with it.
Hugs :)
thanks girl. it's creepy knowing how much you know about me. but nevertheless, comforting too.
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