My vulnerability

The willingness to say "I love you" first

The willingness to do something where there are no guarantees
They're willing to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out
- These are all the things that I haven't been able to do.

I have a vulnerability issue.
And vulnerability is the core of shame and fear, and our struggle for worthiness, but it also appears that it's also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love, and I think I have a problem, and I need some help.

The greatest insight I have learned from this is that it speaks volumes about myself with regards to this:

One of the ways we deal with vulnerability is that we numb vulnerability.
You cannot selectively numb emotion.
You can't say, here's the bad stuff, here's vulnerability, here's grief, here's shame, here's fear, here's disappointment, I don't want to feel these.You can't numb those hard feelings, without numbing the other affects, our emotions.
You cannot selectively numb.
So when we numb those, we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness. And then we are miserable. And we are looking for purpose and meaning, and then we feel vulnerable.
And it becomes this dangerous cycle.

Well, that's me. Having awareness doesn't mean it is acceptance.
I am really trying to push myself out there.
To invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. It doesn't only restrict itself to romantic relationships, it lends itself to friendships as well.

But there is something more that I have to deal with because while I become more in touch with my emotions with people who matter, people who care for me, they are you guys, my friends.
My family? They keep pushing me back to numb my vulnerability. Because I have to be strong, it's my responsibility.

I think I might have some problems.