Pain

How do you describe that feeling when you have everything you've wanted yet something is still missing? I only thought of two words to describe how my heart feels - miserably painful. When thoughts flash through your mind, catching you unguarded, knowing that it's your weakness, it pokes and prods, forcing you to confront the feelings.

And I do.
I do just that. At night. In the solitude of the night. Only in the night when it offers me the silence and embrace I need, to tell me in its coolness, that I can wrap myself up and curl under the sheets, absorbing the coolness from the night, from the presence of no one, letting my warmth seep through the threads, and allowing my heart feel its burn.

Maybe there's a reason why I dream a lot, and remember them. Because I have been pushing my thoughts and feelings and desires out of the way. I smile because that is the only way I know how to present myself. I laugh because I laugh at myself.

I haven't asked myself in a long while now, what is it that my dear heart wants?

Do I think I'm secretly suicidal? Each time I cross an overhead bridge, particularly with the cars cruising along the highway, I picture myself jumping over. Will I die? How will it feel?

爱一个人，如何厮守到老？
怎样面对一切，我不知道。