Sunday, March 28, 2010

Excruciating

I used to be fine lying down for half an hour, not moving at all, drenched in my own sweat in an air-con room with soothing music playing softly in the background, while the beautician worked her magic on my face by picking at the pimples/blackhead/whitehead etc. It was pain, but bearable.
Today wasn't the case. I couldn't believe myself, I was moaning and flinching so badly, i started tearing uncontrollably. I felt like I was dying but no, the pain didn't just stop there, it worsened till a point I almost wanted to bite her hand while she was working near my cheek area. I wanted to scream to tell her to stop. I wanted so badly to just kill myself to end the pain.
The tears didn't stop just there. I had a huge headache from trying to control the immense pain by holding everything in and taking deep breaths. After the whole process, I walked out depressed.

You know post-natal depression? I think I had a similar kind of depression after the whole facial treatment. I told my mom, I know why women suffer from post natal blues. The pain that the mother endure to give birth is like me lying there screaming internally. No wonder I also suffer from such depression.

I told myself I will never subject my face to such torture anymore. Because, I HAD ENOUGH. My mom called to complain about the treatment and how they treated me, and now i feel damn paiseh to return cos like all human beings, the beautician will do some funny things to 'take revenge'. AHHHHHHHHHH.

I rather climb and fall and smash myself against the wall than endure such pain. :(

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Back to climbing

I didn't know it would be THIS tiring after not touching high wall for months! I collapsed on the car ride home, before collapsing a second time on the bed for 4 hours waking up to really raw and tired hands. The feeling of being burnt and having sores everywhere is hitting so hard right now.
I swear this is much more tiring than studying, but guess what?

I can't wait for the next training.

When the mind says yes, the body follows.

Repeat & Shuffle

You know how you can just listen to songs over and over. Those same few ones that you will never get sick of ever. Then you can just eat the same thing over and over, no matter which food you crave for from time to time, you return to the same old comfort food again. Then there's those same few things you do over and over, even though you know it might not be the best thing to do, but you just do it.

It runs in human's nature. We are all resistant to change. We like routine and we stick so hard to it like super glue.

I've reached this particular stage when I'm placed in a position with more experience and knowledge, yet I feel so unwilling to part with this experience to someone fresh and raw. It's this vicious cycle of letting someone experience it for themselves before they truly understand the feeling. I feel really fortunate to have many older people around me sharing with me their life experiences and giving me advice, guiding me in my life.
Because I know it's hard to let someone younger understand what they have been through and they pray you don't experience the same hardship they have felt, but the truth is, you really gotta let that person you want to teach to go through it as well to fully understand what it is.

It's cruel ain't it?
The more you want to protect someone, the harder they will fall.
It's just a learning process, and through all these years of skating, I've literally learnt the meaning of picking up oneself after each fall. It's only through these hard falls that I learn and the scars remind me of how much pain I have endured to achieve something I have really worked hard for.

I wonder if I will be the active or passive parent, who will stand to watch my kid fall and let him/her pick himself/herself up, then act as if nothing had happened. Is the short-term "harm" or lack of concern worth to toughen the kid up for the future harder falls?
If your teen went through a rough patch with matters that deal with the heart, are you supposed to tell him/her to not trust the opposite gender anymore? If your child were to tell you of his/her "abnormal" sexual preferences, are you in the position to force him/her to conform to the conventions of society? I guess it's really a learning process, let them all go through the ups and downs in life, prod them a little back into track if they veer too far off, and watch them grow up to be independent adults. Because it's so hard to differentiate what's right and wrong, they are just too many grey areas in so many matters. We are forced to change our mindset to be more subjective about many things as well to catch up with times.

Parents love using the "in the past I used to...", it really doesn't work anymore. No matter what happened in the past, it will always remain there. The most successful parents to me, are those who are adaptive to changes, going on with times, and doing what they know will benefit the child in the long term.
Most importantly, they must know when is the right time to let go. Then again, that is subjective as well.
No wonder it's so hard being a parent. One will only truly understand the amount of care, dedication and devotion a parent has to bring up a child when one becomes a parent. Just like how one will learn to love a person wholeheartedly after having loved so hard and fell out of love so badly to appreciate it.

Every obstacle faced is another step closer to knowledge and experience which opens up many other doors in life.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Post MCTs

MCTs have officially ended off with a relatively okay paper. It's quite a big burden off my shoulders now that the week has come to an end. I'm already dying to climb from this 2 weeks hiatus. I can't imagine when we have to step down and not climb for MONTHS.
MCTs is a really good gauge of how much I need to catch up on my work. It's really nice to know that it's impossible to cramp so much within a week. I'm always doing last minute revision. I know it doesn't help much anyway.

The next thing to look forward to is JCTs. No more breaks, no more idling about. Time to get my ass on and start working hard, again.

But of course, before JCTs, there's NSSCC coming up.
I'm really in love with climbing. My hands feel so itchy when they have not touched any holds for so long. It's like the urge to smoke/gamble or indulge in any of those vices.
Ahhh!

室内设计师还是会计师还是银行家呢?
快要发疯了.

Is 5As really possible?!

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Contented

This is how I feel about life right now. Some may call me crazy because of MCTs, but I still feel really blessed. I have so much to be happy about. I don't have to worry about anything else except studying hard for myself. I'm well fed, I have everything I need, and I'm living very comfortably. Once in a while, it's good to go back to remembering how fortunate I am to have been given the chance to pursue whatever I am doing right now.

I studied hard to come into TJC. I climbed hard to deserve the chance to go for competitions. I skated so hard to achieve a peak at one point. You know, in retrospect, it's better to know that at least you have tried and done it than look back and regret for not doing at all. Like the movie that I can't recall the title, one line kept recurring to me -- It's better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.

I've taken the risks to drop my foot into unknown territories, struggled to keep my head above the waters... and now that I've come so far in terms of JC life, I shouldn't give up. At least, I want to assure myself that I've put in my best.
MCTs may not be the best gauge right now of my efforts, but i'll make sure I will put in more than I have ever done so in my past 18 years of studying. I mean, why shouldn't I right? My mom has worked so hard to provide everything for me. The only way I can show my appreciation is to reap what she has sowed for me.

Whenever I hear peers complaining of how they want this and how they can't get that, I feel a huge sigh building up in my chest, then I realise that neither do I practise what I preach. In my busy pursuit of whatever trivial things, I've always compared and asked why can't i be like this or be like whoever, but guess what, that only leads to more feelings of unsatisfaction. What gets me going is when people don't realise how lucky they are and continue their incessant whines about how life is unfair. It really makes me want to give them a good hard shake and wake them up to reality. I guess at some point I have made people felt that way about me as well.

Well, I'll try my best. Make a little change, no matter how small.
Make life simple, appreciate the little things. Appreciate and be contented with what I have than crave for more and create a never-ending space that will never be filled.

It's been a long time since I've read a good book. Need a little inspiration here and there to keep me bouncing.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Bad-ass addiction

The first time I had a glimpse of King Lines was the time Philip showed us during the farewell BBQ at Sentosa or I can't even remember. But i remember catching snippets of it whenever he brought his laptop and projector with him. This time round, I finally managed to catch the full movie. It's super inspirational in all aspects aside from climbing.

"I start to realise, at least in this body, in this life time, this is all we've got.
We are here for just a finite amount of time, we dont know when we are gonna go, we don't know when we're gonna die, so if it's something important that i wanna do, then i gotta go for it now."

Climbing is this ever evolving thing, and although it really is about the goal and succeeding and getting to the top, at the same time it's a never-ending cycle of finding something that you're really motivated on, obsessing over it, and then once you get to the top, celebrating for a little while and then moving on to the next thing.
- Chris Sharma

It's the same with life ain't it? Studying is really about getting those As which will get you to where you want, but after that, what's next really?
We have to plan even further than that, we need to keep moving on, to better ourselves, because the world out there is so huge; there's so much to see, so much to explore.

And this, is only the beginning.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Boulderactive 2010

Life seems to be filled with getting bonuses and tops the past week. It's been crazily close how Gravical and Boulderactive are. These 2 competitions have given me so much exposure, especially Boulderactive recently. The climbing world out there is so much larger and there are really much much better climbers than you have ever known. They are my source of inspiration.

Today as I looked at the numerous slips of paper that contained the 'life & death" of many pasted on the whiteboard near the competition area, I can't help but feel that there is zero justice done to how much effort the climbers have put in to achieve those numbers that appear as the final result. All your effort are just recorded and graded by the number of bonuses and tops that you have obtained; what about the sweat, blood, tears and joy that you experience during the process of the climb?

I remember distinctively in Batu Caves we had a common goal for everyone which is to focus on being process-oriented rather than results-oriented, and today, i finally understood the meaning of it. The ranks and numbers that other people use to judge how well you are as a climber are so insignificant as to watching the process of the climb. You get rounds of applause for a hard climb and cheers from the crowd when making a difficult move, but do you ever see a crowd of people cheering at pieces of paper?

I am never affected by the final results as long as I know I have gone all out for each and every single route and if given a 2nd try again, I would have done the same thing. Watching how others complete what I can't inspires me to improve again the next time round. This is all about learning and it's a process that cannot be rushed into.

The juniors came to watch us on Friday at Orchard Central where we started our Novice Women. The support was tremendous and I'm sure they were really inspired to climb like us. It comes with a lot of hard work and will power and the ability to control your emotions when you are at your lowest especially when you just can't seem to work out the moves.
I have grown so much mentally from Boulderactive and I can say that I've finally lost all the nerves before a competition. It really helps to channel all the focus to the climb.

This is a breakthrough for me and I can't wait for my favourite aspect of climbing - high-wall! The thrill of reaching the top is unexplainable and indescribable.
You gotta climb it, to feel it.

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Loaded with knowledge

As I sat in the library reading the information booklet of NUS, I realised there is a much bigger world in University than what there is in store at A levels. The myriad of options and flexibility to choose the modules at your own pace is seemingly very appealing. I wonder if the modular system will work better for me. Looking beyond degree programmes, there are double degree and concurrent degree programmes as well. Tell me, why are there so many choices? I am slightingly entertaining the thought of pursuing an academic career.

Everyday I feel like a bullet train shooting back and forth from present to future and back again. It has helped me greatly in keeping the bigger picture in mind and working step by step daily to achieving it. Trust me, procrastination is the inner devil. It just has to spoil everything. When you want to study, you don't have time; when you have time on your hands, you just want to relax and take a break.

With the MCTs looming in 2 weeks, I haven't started my revision at all. I'm just struggling to catch up with daily work and this is terrifying. But I'm glad my head is still above the waters for the current syllabus.

I am suddenly very aware of the strong competition amongst the A level students fighting for a place in the local unis with the release of the A level results. I'm afraid yet excited to see how I will fare... Sheer determination sometimes isn't just the only factor.
Climbing has taught me to hang on in those hardest moments, and to keep expectations realistic.

PW results will be the showing of the tip of the iceberg.

And I will be embracing Boulderactive with open arms this friday, just the mere thought keeps my nerves tingle.

Sunday, March 07, 2010

Gravical 2010

It has been a helluva week, with seven out of ten girls making into the Novice Women finals, and Clement making into the Inter Men finals! I am amazed beyond words how far we have come as a team after a year of training.

You just can't deny that there are too many good lookers in the club eh? Climbers with the smooth bod and just-right shade of tan. Heh heh heh...

I am so thankful for having the past few climbing experiences that have let me accustomed my nerves accordingly. I'm starting to feel less and less stressed out and it's a really good to be able to allow my body experience a soothing sensation with a bit of sparks flying off for that short bursts of energy needed.

The state of mind is really important especially when it comes to solving and planning the problem within 30 seconds just before an attempt. I'm learning to master it but still not quite there yet. Every comp allows me to improve just that little bit and i'm more than thankful for all these opportunities. Netball previously didn't give such chances to allow the mind and body to work as one. Well I guess every sport has different ways to cope with, and I'm enjoying every moment I have touching the rough wall, getting scraped while working hard at the route, and reflecting on the fluidity of the smooths executed.

I'm reminded once again of how I've made one of the best decisions in TJ to join climbing.

And one of my biggest dreams is to climb on those cliffs by the sea...

with a special one.