Thursday, July 29, 2010

Bittersweet

My heart broke when I watched the Stars For a Cause programme on Channel 8. Jeanette Aw blogged about her experience during the entire trip. It broadened my perspective of the hardships that these teenagers about the same age as me endure and they still carry on persevering in their studies. When compared to them, whatever hardships I have ever endured before become significantly minuscule. They survive on minimal amount of food/water to scrap through, treating their education as the 'only way out of the mountain', and here we are, blissfully born with an extensive education path laid out ahead for us to embark upon and we simply take it for granted.

One particular male student, being taken care of by his grandparents and they are super close knit because his father had passed away, leaving only his brother and mother behind. Both his brother and mom went out of town to work for a living, leaving only him and his grandparents to fend for themselves. He would scrimp and save if either of his grandparents fell sick in order to buy medicine for them, and he brings home supplements and vitamins to strengthen them. He even said he would give up the opportunity to pursue a higher education at a top University even if he could get in one, because he'd rather choose one that was nearer to his home. He couldn't bear to leave his grandparents all by themselves. It was particularly touching to me, how this bond and love amongst the 3 of them was more than sufficient to transform any hardship into sweetness. His family offered him the much needed emotional support to pursue higher in life despite the poverty they were in.

Then another girl's life story was shared as well. One part hit hard on me when she mentioned how her father had to go out to work extra hard during the Chinese New Year period because wages were higher, and so that they could all buy new clothes because it was a Chinese tradition for children to wear new clothes during the CNY celebrations. She broke into tears when she said even though they had new clothes to wear, nothing could ever replace the absence of her father due to his work during the CNY period. Jeanette reflected from these stories that joy and happiness start from the home.

And tears rolled down my face... because it was such a simple truth.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Freedom of choice

Today's Straits Times has an interview with a scientific Professor on the Main section page A19 and one particular question caught my attention and his response echoes my thoughts as well.

You have such a moral stance and yet don't believe in God. Why is that?

My father was an Anglican priest and I was brought up to believe in the Christian God. But as a teenager, I began to think for myself. I questioned absolutely everything. By the time I was 18, I realised that there were many different religions. So I started saying, including to my father, that these can't be all right. In the end, it seems pretty reasonable not to believe in any of them because why choose one over the other?

The paralysis of having the freedom of choice in choosing what religion we want to believe in, and then devoting the next half of our lives defending our choice(because of the reduction in satisfaction from the plethora of choices available causing us to consciously think of the what-if-I-had-decided-on-believing-in-another-faith scenario) and making sure it is the best choice amongst the thousands of other religions that is supposedly good as well.
The above said is based on the assumption of one having questioned what exactly one has chosen to believe in and not blindly following something.

Here are his takes on religion:

Being an atheist: "To believe in God answers nothing because who made God? Where did God come from?"

The absence of God in his children's lives: "My wife and I had friends who had not had a religious upbringing and they hadn't turned out to be murderous or anything like that."


I'm a testament to that because I'm quite the mildest person you'd ever find around and quite the most conflict-avoiding person aside from my occasional insensitive and forthright remarks that will cause some tension because people take it personally as an insult. I have never believed in criticising a person, only the person's ideas, but sometimes the more emotional people see it otherwise. And I have never been brought up to believe in a single God, only the morals that Chinese culture expects of children.

I don't know the number of people who have been convinced that religion has caused more conflicts that it ever aimed to resolved, but I'm definitely one of them.

Not to be critical of the way believers try to convert the non-believers, but every morning as I go pass a church, it has a banner that makes no sense to me at all

"Are you pursuing something important but not significant?"

Seriously? I can totally imagine Miss Nansi's incredulous look as she goes on in her dramatic fashion of how our expression in essays are so convoluted it makes no sense.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Back to basics


I've been quite an ardent fan of the channel 8's 名厨出走记 Love On The Plate programme that is aired every monday at 8p.m. Even if it might be a momentary feeling of treasuring the food that appears on my dining table everyday, and that food is so easily accessible to me, it's still that spark at the moment of immersing myself for 1 hour in that programme reminding me of how fortunate I am. The Chefs like us, pampered in this brilliant first-world city where money is all that we need to get things done, head on to rural villages in various parts of the world in the mission of bringing them new dishes and recipes to add to their diets. It's amazing how they adapt quite well to the nature and doing everything on their own as opposed to the ordering of assistants in the kitchens back in Singapore. I can never imagine myself, ever, surviving in a village. I would either starve myself to death or grow warts down there because of the lack of sanitary pads(okay that was random), or cry myself to sleep because I'm getting stung by mosquitoes to death, or whine because there is no music for entertainment except for the rustles of the leaves in the occasional breeze, or no handphone to call anyone instantly, or proper roads to walk on, or proper shoes to wear, or cars to sit in; the list is non-exhaustive(you get my point). It's the forsaking of everything that have been deeply embedded in us from the moment of our births.
The paradox of technology making things more convenient for us yet creating more complexities in our lives.

Then again, it's because of this that I miss the Batu Caves rock trip last year so much and am craving for another natural rock trip. It was a good 5 days away(at least during those times that we were climbing) from civilisation. I actually enjoy very much doing my business(big and small alike) in the wild. It's so much more convenient, seriously.

I didn't know how to appreciate nature very much during Sec 3's OBS discovery programme, feeling very much homesick, but this climbing trip I put in the effort to open my deaf ears to the wild, to listen to the sounds made by crickets, to watch for the branches above my head, to trek up and down slippery terrains. The sounds and sights of nature baffle me. The mystery that it contains is beyond one's imagination.

I doubt I've ever mentioned this before, but it's one of my greatest climbing dreams to scale a cliff/mountain at that height in the picture(ignore the guy). It thrills me; the mere height sends my nerves wrecking, my breathing right into ecstasy mode, and forearms screaming to give way anytime; the risk of each foot placing, of trusting every muscle in me to accustom to every movement I'm ever going to make, makes my senses so very much acutely aware of the surrounding, and it's all of that, that makes me feel ever so alive in this metallic emotionless void world I have been bred in.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Interview

I think I'm having second thoughts about signing up for the GIC finance day. My virgin interview wasn't as scary as I had imagined. The one thing that I was particularly targeted for was the lack of good results.

Who says academic qualifications ain't over-rated!

If I'm successful in the interview, that will then disprove my and many others' theory of academic qualifications being ever so important - which I highly doubt. But we shall just leave it to fate since the interview is over.

My mom seems to have suddenly realised that the local uni education ain't all that cheap afterall after last night from her friends. This is really a typical case of the aunties hearsay/gossip. And previously she was just saying it so easily of how she can support me till the day I am done in my pursuit of an education. And she still supported me studying overseas which would have the tuition fees coming up to more than 2-3x than local Unis. See, this is telling of how you should never blabber about something without having the slightest idea of what you are babbling about.

Why doesn't she believe me that reading does so much to increase one's perspective/knowledge?
We had some tensions debating how being educated and having moralistic views are not linked. Obviously I said they were linked, because the more well-read one is, the less narrow-minded one becomes which also implies that one's character and attitude would also be more accepting and forgiving to others' faults which translates into one being a more moral person!
She insisted that at the end of the day no matter how well-read one is, the morals is dependent on oneself.
Chanel, remember I was telling you of what the worst a person can show is contempt on one's face? That was how it was like; she totally negated what I said. Argh!
In a marriage situation, the easiest solution was divorce. But it's a kinship we're refering to here, how now?

I remember the interviewer asked me "Have you met a difficult person/faced a difficult situation?"

I said "oh definitely."
He went on "How did you solve it?"
So I said about compromising and he interrupted me with, "but is compromising really the best solution?"
My reply was "Compromising is the very first step I would take to rid the tension/anger because it's impossible to carry out a discussion when someone is angry. After a compromise has been made, then I would progress from there to have solutions that fit the needs of each party to dissolve the misunderstanding."

In my case with my mom, I compromised by letting her say her piece, but she took advantage of it because she saw it as me surrendering and then go on to negate my words when it was my turn to talk. It's really a difficult person in a difficult situation. The best way(to rid my own identity) is to submit to 'patriarchal' conventions since my mom has since assumed the patriarchal role - at least, only in her presence. So much for filial piety. It's merely a euphemism for submitting to patriarchal power.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Hugs


It's really touching how at that fleeting moment all you think about is embracing that someone and holding on so tightly remembering why you loved that someone so much.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

张信哲

Music video with reference to the post below and to the one whom have allowed 3 years to pass by filling me with self-denial.

Would someone bring me to his happiness choice world tour? ;)

Chance to make it right

It was a good start for me to pay full(almost) attention since post MCTs for all my lessons. The hardcore studying from day to night during the entire June holidays also pretty off paid off. I improved in ALL my subjects except GP! Unbelievable. Well, they aren't really brilliant results but when I compared them to my MCTs, i practically more than doubled my math marks and this JCT is currently one of my best performing exams.

It's improvement! I'm getting Ds/Es now except for an S. Next I shall be working towards Cs. I am consoling myself that it's improvement but I had expected much better results. I guess it doesn't just happen in 2 months. Blame myself for not studying much at all in J1. But then again! I shall look on the bright side and continue to be motivated to do even better. At least I have moved forward.

Last night as I was reading Blink by Malcolm Gladwell(I have been at it for close to a month now), with the radio playing love songs from class 95, and fatigue overwhelming my brain, I thought about my results in my silence-piercing room. It was close to 11p.m. My usual routine would be to pick up my phone and speed dial to my mom asking her what time she would be coming home. And then, at that very moment, I just didn't want to do it. I know it sounds silly, but I've almost come to a point where I tell myself I don't really care, but in my heart it feels the opposite. What's the point of calling and asking when after all these nonsense she comes home way after I've fallen asleep, probably around 1/2a.m.

As Ms Kwan said in GP lesson just on Wednesday, we were on our Crime & Punishment package and family was one of the reasons why people commit crimes. She mentioned how the conditions of the family plays a large part in people's psyche as well and that includes coming home to a violent abusive parent, or going back to an empty house. I belong in the latter, and I think I was close to committing a crime or at least I quickly stopped myself from thinking negatively.

Tears formed in my eyes as I thought about how much I am studying, and how empty the whole bloody house is, just like how bloody empty I feel in my heart when I am at home.
I remember homes are places where families have meals together, watch the tv, exchange daily events in their lives. And me? My only exchange I have is with my A Level subjects.

I am miserable.

As much as we are functioning under the category of a single-parent family, I feel like I am my only family member. Both my brother and mom treat the house like their night hotel - merely coming home for the tv/bed. I am going crazy. You guys have no idea how envious and jealous I am when I read of all the activities people do as a family. I might as well be better off in an orphanage, maybe there I would at least have people to talk to and love.

Whenever I think of this, I think of Chanel and her lonely 4 wall room. Hahaha...
Hey, at least you still have your ah-ma.
I comfort myself by hugging and loving Sushi(at the very least she reciprocates by loving me back as well), the only other living thing who is at home for me. She can be my "ah-ma" when you are not around.

This is a real mental torture for me every single day. I'm coping. And all that I feel is not hurt, nor anger, nor anguish. It's just overwhelming emptiness - a void.

I feel so hypocritical blogging about happiness and the choice to be happy about my life, and the next moment I'm feeling like shit. It eats my whole heart up despite the joys I derive in school with friends. The nights are as lonely as they can get. So what if she could earn the entire world's income for me? I think she would have least noticed I have vanished as much as time that has been lost and irretrievable.
I was reading the news about the lady jumping off to reunite with her husband. And there were tips on looking out for signs for these people who entertain suicidal thoughts. One particular point struck me - depressed people usually become unusually calm after they have made a decision to end their life.

And I wonder, people always tell me I'm super calm. Is it really because I have found my inner peace?
No worries, the logical part of me always get the better of me in the end.
It will pass, everything will pass. Even if they are lies, I have to continue lying to myself. There are just too much expectations of me and no chance for disappointments. I should be the one who cause no worries and add no burden to the already very stressed sole parent I have and continue to pursue to fit the mould of the perfect daughter any mom could ever wish for.

Friday, July 09, 2010

The Happiness Project

Taken off from The Happiness Project, there's a particular response to the interview conducted which resonates my thinking as well.

Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
I don’t know that I actively work on it, but I’m very aware of both the things I need in my life to make me happy and the things I have that make me fortunate. I really, really like things to be as straightforward and uncomplicated as possible, so I try to avoid drama and people who bring it along with them. I value honesty a lot, too, so I try always to be honest with people even if it’s unpleasant because in the end I feel better about myself and the way I’m living if I do. I can’t stand it when people avoid delivering bad news, or are just in denial in general. On a larger level, I try to remember how lucky I am to have the life and family and career that I have, and that usually even the things that frustrate me (a bad writing day, not enough babysitting for my son as I might like sometimes) are the product of choices I’ve made to have the life I want. When I actually take the time to think about it, I have a great life and it seems selfish to be unhappy.

Monday, July 05, 2010

JTS

It wasn't the best that we would have expected. The rain spoilt it. The mosquitoes sucked some love out of it. We didn't have any speeches or what nots like last year, or least formal ones. But I'm so grateful for how everyone still made the best out of it. To us all TJCCC 09/10, we really can make love out of nothing at all.
To the great one holding it all together, leading all of us, the amount of gratitude that all of us want to express to you is beyond words, Calvin, you deserve every single bit of everything that has happened - for selflessness, for great leadership, for integrity. You were the one serving all of us without any complaints. For lending your house, over and over, and how we all made a mess and how Sophie has to clean after that. Cos' afterall, there's only one Sophie. We shouldn't tire her out. ;)

This is to you guys.

Sunday, July 04, 2010

Nagging Tasks

I'm pretty sure for every one of you out there, there's just these couple of things that get on your nerves. No matter how much you rant about it, the problem somehow refuses to present its solution to you. And that in itself, is the problem. We keep expecting a solution to appear while sitting by doing nothing for it. I keep complaining, keep whining, keep getting so annoyed and irritable by the same old things, yet it never seem to get better.

And that's when I am enlightened.
I'm simply not doing anything about it to change how things are. Merely complaining about it wouldn't solve anything.
I have communication issues with my mom, but both of us are too damn stubborn to accept the differences in each of our own views to try and communicate properly. She takes on the all-assuming stance, while I am so easily pissed off from her judgemental character. It's quite an evil cycle. I hate it, but I'm not doing anything about it. I don't know where to start.

I heard about the parenting workshop on radio. I am always reflecting on my actions and my words. It's only to her that I'm so easily triggered off. And that's how I have arrived at the conclusion that maybe the problem doesn't lie with me.

So how am I supposed to approach her to tell her that she needs to change her parenting style? It doesn't work for me after I've grown up. She tells me that I've changed. I'm no longer the me I have been. Especially so when she pushes the blame on Wayne and how he has turned me into a superficial materialistic person.
She doesn't seem to accept the fact that I have grown up, and all the old concepts of bringing up a child is different from communicating with a teen properly.

I understand myself through the feedbacks people provide. I'm constantly working on the mould of my character. My thought processes are as much as that of a supercomputer. I just don't understand what flaw of mine could make her be so easily annoyed with me just as how I am with her. It has been quite a deep-rooted problem. She tells everyone she's a very open-minded lady/mother, but is she really? Quick to jump to conclusions coupled with the short temper, all I remind myself is that whatever she is doing is ultimately because she loves me.

But I'm clearly not happy at all.
Trust me, no matter how well I fare in my studies, or how good a person I try to be, as long as this is not solved, i will never be truly happy. Especially not when I live with the family whom is supposedly the closest to me physically, is yet, the furthest emotionally and least understanding people in my life. I'm close to my wits end already, help.

Sometimes, I can't help but wonder, if it would be better if my dad would be here to balance out, to aid her in trying to understand the kids by offering a different point of view. My brother says he definitely did try to make an effort to be more receptive and less stubborn, to listen to what he has to say first before saying what he feels just recently. I'm sure he would be really happy with the way I am devoting my life to studying, because that is ultimately his only wish from the two of us. I wonder, if this is why I gravitate towards males more, because they are less sensitive, less judgemental, and they bear less grudges.

I have all my materialistic wishes fulfilled by my mom and I definitely can feel the love too. But things are just so complicated with her. I crave for a really simple life, maybe that was what he wanted too.
I'm heartbroken by the choices we had to make then. Why was I so easy on letting him go? It was because of our full support that they continued with the divorce. I have an instinct, that sometimes my brother also craves for the life before, because she is too complicated for him as well. And these are the kind of things that I call permanent mistakes with irreversible consequences. Why was I given such heavy responsibilities in making decisions that would impact the rest of my life at a tender 14 years old?

I have really changed so much. I can see the dots connecting now after going through it. But back then, I was just swimming with blurred vision, groping with intangible things, and clouded by naive judgements. If I had a chance to change one thing about my life, it would be this.

The pain is still so raw even after a good four years have passed. I have witnessed too much unhappiness a destructive family unit can bring, too much quarrels, and a suicide on the day of the Mid-Autumn festival. Of all days why Mid-Autumn? Because it signifies the coming together of families, sitting together and enjoying each other's company. It might have been her way of serving as a permanent reminder to the next and future generations of the importance of building a family. I cry, not because of the death, but because of the extent of hurt it has brought upon to so many people. The simplicity of family - how so many of my peers are blissfully enjoying and taking for granted.

Treasure the present, seize each day.
I might be sceptical, or unwaveringly harsh in my words, but that is only because I have experienced what it really means to have everything falling away, leaving only the most important in the face of death.
Have the courage to do what's right, no matter how 99% of the rest might think it's wrong. After all, it's your life. You have the final say.

Saturday, July 03, 2010

Childish/child-like

The subtle difference in spelling doesn't account for the major difference in meaning.

I don't have anything against anyone or anything, but I'm just wondering, why teenagers love filling up those random quizzes/questions/notes on facebook and then go on to tag their other friends to continue this chain. All the superficial questions like if you prefer your boy/girlfriends to have short/long hair, or if you wanted a smart/good-looking boy/girlfriends etc.
The trend only seem to kick up loads of dust among the young people, but never the working adults.

Don't you think that if youngsters started dating at a young age, they are just pursuing these kind of superficialities that would make up for the 'love' they thought would suffice to keep the relationship(or i'd rather use fling) going? I know, it's just a stage where everyone goes through. I guess I got over it quite a long time ago, but I always wonder to myself how peers don't know how much they reduce individuals by selecting friends/partners based on such unjustifiable standards. Maybe that's how adults develop a high threshold tolerance level for the naivety of teenagers - because they have been through it and understand how it was like for them.
It just reinforces on my 'old man fetish' again. Like I say, relative term eh the word 'old'. Don't drive to conclusions my dear readers ;)

Thursday, July 01, 2010

For you Chanel

I remember the time when we were all Sec 3 and heading for OBS's discovery programme for a week. Ah Ber mentioned at the end that we all leave bits and pieces behind in every person we encounter along our journey in life.

It has made sense to me till now.

I have flashes of memory of people I used to hang out with; never talked after that, some still keep in contact, but whatever it is, we all face it - Once our activities are different, our paths inevitably split and we all head in different directions.
With the physical distance, it's the intangible strength of bond that holds us together.
Some stick like super glue, some dissolve like the rain washes away the dirt.

But you know what?
Nothing beats the saying "A friend in need, is a friend indeed."

Through thick and thin, quarrels and bickers, those who know you inside out, those who accept your flaws and strengths, are those who will stand by you. They are the ones who are always never judging you, always receptive to your advice, always listening to your rants and always making themselves comfortable at your home(i.e. opening the fridge, screaming at your cat, calling your brother gor, calling your mother mommy, drooling on your bed, peeing in the glass-door toilet with you in the same room, helping themselves to your towels/panty-liners/shirts/shorts/bra without asking, singing like they're hosting a wayang opera etc).

The laughter and happiness you bring to me is priceless.
(you know sometimes we all just take friends for granted! Updating for you (despite trying to cram A level's worth of Physics syllabus in a day) because you are my no.1 fan..."Eh Jac update your blog leh")

With love,
Nosey's jacjac

P.S We should learn to treasure the present instead of imagining the future, because only then, will we be truly happy and contented with ourselves and our lives.