Thursday, April 29, 2010

Given a 2nd chance

Sometimes it's better to know that you have tried for something and gone all out for it, than to lack the courage and look back to think of the what ifs.

These days, I have the urge to blurt things out, but hold it back in on second thoughts. I wonder if it's a sign of maturity - of saying things at the right time. I might not be the most expressive person, but I've noticed that I'm hurting lesser and lesser people with my thoughtless words at random moments. This comes as a double-edged sword. If someone wanted an honest opinion, the answer would best be found from a child. Adults tend to conceal everything with euphemism. I think I'm in the transition somewhere between the adult and child process - still forthcoming, yet more withheld with airing my views.
Joanna made a remark that sometimes the things I say/do make people want to slap me. I think that's just my nature: GUAILAN! Hence my blog URL eh.

There's been an onset of people leaving the class. During Civics, there were triple blows to every member of the class. Some broke down, some looked down and some took it upon themselves to comfort the others. The atmosphere was tense, yet I was the only optimistic person having a smile on my face. I wonder if I appeared obnoxious or simply careless to anyone, but that's besides the point. I realised that I have very different reactions to matters that occur. I am a person who is resistant to changes and the adaptation process to these changes. Yet, I have the ability to take things in my stride and progress onwards, which, I've suddenly noticed, many lacked. I am glad for the person in each choice made by each respective person, but is it really easier to direct the energy towards negativity? Apparently it seems so.

It's a crazy vicious cycle of
1) having knowledge of something
2) proceed to wallowing in pity,
3) then to the realisation that nothing can be done to change the fact,
4) and finally recovering from the whole process.

It might seem like a step by step thing. But I have seen so many falling off the path in between these steps. Some repeat steps 2 & 3 repeatedly and it becomes a habit. And knowing habit, it dies hard.
I really want to help these people, but I have no idea where to start.
How do I pass on my optimism to make the world(or least starting from the people around me) a better place?
What's the point in me achieving contentment but seeing the rest hanging in limbo?

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Passion

I've been thinking about what makes me really love climbing so much. Is it the thrill of the rough fibre? Or the hard breathing? Or the feeling of being very pumped after a route?

Remember I posted this video of Steve Jobs making a speech at Stanford's graduation ceremony; I've found my answer.
Everything else falls away in the face of death, leaving only the most important. Climbing is a very dangerous sport - your life is merely entrusted to a piece of rope. You could take on a hard lead fall and anything might happen. Everything is on you, your inner self, and the wall. Whenever I'm on a really hard route, the nerves gets pumping because of the fear/adrenaline/excitement of meeting a crux. One slip and you take a fall. It might be a big one, or a little drop from the last quickdraw, whatever it is, human beings are naturally afraid of that moment when a fall happens. I guess that's what drives me to complete a climb, to go all out because of my fear of falling. That fear is reduced drastically during a competition on the contrary.

Climbing is really like slaloming. It's about the fluidity, the grace and the execution of the moves. It's about refining the techniques to a certain degree of perfection.
I remember those days and nights that I have spent on refining my skating moves, coming up with routines, trying to synchronise the music to the moves I was doing, falling after every 10 seconds for trying to push myself to do a particular hard move etc, it really taught me to keep trying till i get it.
After having climbed for a year, it irks me to see really strong climbers with super lousy footwork. To me, it simply destroys the whole beauty of climbing. I really admire Philip's footwork. Sure, he might not be the strongest, but the way he execute the moves with such grace and fluidity, it already makes the whole process a beauty to watch. When I was slaloming, there were a lot of better skaters who could do really technical moves, yet it somehow feels empty during the execution of the moves because of the lack of fluidity.
It's akin to living in a huge house without any furniture in it. The core is simply hollow.

This reminds me of what Mr. Kao once said about climbing as well. You cannot climb when you are angry/frustrated etc. That's the whole beauty of it. Climbing has really taught me to master the art of conditioning the mindset. Many times, I have frowned at climbers who slammed the wall for not being able to do a particular move, or simply lost their cool. By doing that, they have already lost half their battle. I have learned to use every opportunity of being unable to do a move and watch how someone else do it to empower myself to believe that I can do it as well. It's not about feeling lousy or disappointed for not reaching 'there' yet, but constantly pushing yourself to learn from the more experienced. After all, those more experienced didn't just attain that level of climbing overnight. It was through sheer determination. perseverance and a positive mindset to the whole learning process.

When you start looking at the cup being half full rather than half empty, you realise that the rate of mastering something accelerates.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

My dream

Jo's post of her dream with her future lover inspired me to do this post.
I've always had images of how I would like my future home and partner to be like...
It fuels the drive to do whatever I am pursuing right now.


The dark, sensuous, mysterious and bold colours should fill a majority of the interior.


I've always had this ambition to purchase a property at Sentosa Cove.


And be the driver of one of these suave sports car with sleek cutting edge design and huge rims that speak of a bigger personality.


Wine and dine in the comforts of my luxurious home with a personal chef who is able to whip up international cuisines.


Last but not least, have a life partner to engage in endless intellectual meaningful conversations after work.


And travel around the world in exploration of the greatest treasure the earth has to offer - nature.

Just before I get all drifted into the impracticalities of life...
They are all merely just idealised, romanticised notions of love, wealth and contentment.

Loneliness kills. It's crazy to be surrounded by so many people yet feel so empty inside.
How much longer can a person survive with everything in the world but no love to share?
It's about finding the balance in everything.

Hope I find my balance this saturday during NSSCC difficulty event.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Climb X

I'm glad we're making quite a lot of progress this week for the preparation of Climb X!

Training has been good this week, did some climbs before we started on speed training on Wednesday. Surprisingly I have shaved off a whole 10 seconds from last year! Incredible eh? Today I managed to be faster than I was on Wednesday. I realised I get faster and faster with the more climbs i do. My first climb was 25s, then it dropped to 23s, then to 21s, then to 20s. During the team speed, I secured a 20.8, followed by a 19.8, then 19.6! Maybe on that day I need to keep going and going. It's an irony how I feel I climb really slowly and how the rest say I look like I climb very slowly, but the timing proves otherwise. I wonder if I have the power to make the time go into slow-motion. Heh heh heh.

Today as we got back PW results, the entire hall was in jubilation! Mrs Loke was almost yelling when she announced that 82% of the cohort secured a distinction. 7 classes had 100% distinction and when our class was flashed on the projector, I kind of half expect and was half in shock of how well we have done together. The feeling is incredible. After the individual results were being collected, from time to time there were screams of exhilaration and disbelief. It was quite a mess, I wonder how it would be like when the results of A levels are released next year.

During training halfway, Sam and I were chatting aimlessly and he suddenly brought up the topic of how he told his dad off once before of how he hated him nagging him about his studies and from then on his dad seldom mentioned it to him. You know what's the best part?

My mom is hardly concerned about my studies, and I like it the way it is.
But i really hate it when she says you study so much also so stupid.
She came home late last night, when I had just ended my math tuition at 1030p.m, with the brain almost fried, she started going on about "Nowadays ah, you all study so much, the more you all study, the more stupid you all become. I think only your brother so far has reached my expectations." I felt like I was being reduced to NOTHING at that point.

The talk that we had during contact time on Wednesday about family relationships really said so much more than just scrapping the surface about the relationships we have with all the people in our lives. I wonder if she knew that by saying that of me, I felt like it was an equivalent to telling the little child that "if you fail you can go and die".
Isn't it the same? "study so much for what? still so stupid."
Is it really my fault that I lack that sort of non-academic intelligence? Why am I being blamed and scolded for something that is beyond my control?
The people closest to me really know the ways to stab my heart deep.

Well thinking about it, I feel rather hurt as well that my math tutor commented "Jacinda's poor results, coupled with her lazy attitude, are worrying." Anyone who knows me knows I am far from lazy, and this is the first time in my whole schooling life any teacher has said that of me. I'm in disbelief. I did the most work for math and threw econs away and it just didn't work out that day when i sat for math, and she has to say this of me. It eats me up sometimes when I think about it, the whole sour feeling just takes over. I know I shouldn't let it affect me but really, it hurts.
Like how I've always put things this way, it feels good to get affirmation once in a while to know that all you've done is worthwhile. Double blow of discouraging words to me over these 2 days, I'm going to be nonchalant about it and study hard for myself. If no one is going to help me, I'm helping myself out.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

The only way to do great work, is to love what you do

It's been quite a week and I'm always here at such awkward timings of the night reflecting at my inner life.

Lucid dreaming was recently brought to my attention and I've did some reading on it. I realised that I've had a rare moment of being able to control and be so aware of my actions in the dream. Then, I assumed I had the ability to lucid dream. Yet to my disappointment, i've just merely had a rare encounter, because each night the ordinary brain goes through a cycle of 10-15 dreams and that meant I've had countless of dreams(that were unknown to me) since the last one that I could control.
I tried exploring to train myself to lucid dream but the desire is not strong enough to make me stand by it. The week has flown by and I've not remembered a single dream anyway. It's seemingly futile.

My results are all out for MCTs. Rather disgusted at the numbers that appear on each script based on my intellectual capacity. It was really hard sitting in Econs class trying to listen to the correct answers and explanation for the paper while the idea of getting U for Econs kept popping into my head. How can a subject that I have so much love for be justified in such a way?

In the face of emotional situations, a person's character is revealed to some degree. Seeing a classmate/close friend/acquaintance/human being - whatever the relationship is - break down, the least anyone can do is to offer some sympathy and comfort. The idea of blatantly choosing to ignore, disgusts me completely. If we were all born to bear grudges, to live with hatred, to let our lives be filled with such negative emotions, then isn't it unfair for a person because that person is subjecting himself to emotional weakness/instability whenever the particular person whom we have bore a grudge, appears. It really hurts to have such an atmosphere around in the class with so many politics and gossips building up. Suspicions and assumptions are more easily accelerated at this rate and it's going nowhere but downhill.

"Almost everything, all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important."
-Steve Jobs

The closest encounter I have with death is that of my paternal grandma.
My grandma's death has always been a stark reminder to how much more I can do with my life. She has been a healthy strong woman with dogged determination to do things her way and it slowly declined when the people most important to her started leaving her life. It ended on a very bad note and till date I will always remember the cloth tied securely around her neck below a cold pale face with mouth slightly ajar. This very image has recurred on my mind every single night, when I turn off the lights to go to bed, since her death. If death was a release for her, what about the many regrets which would not have resulted and unfulfilled things she could have done if she persisted? Did she think she was fighting a losing battle to begin with? This very act of voluntary taking one's life requires a hell load of courage, and imagine if that courage had been used to change something that she was troubled with. There are endless possibilities but they only begin with "What ifs" and end with a dangling question mark. Ever wondered why the question mark looks like "?" that? It starts with a curve that makes you go in a half circle, only to end with a dot that doesn't connect the circle. It's the same analogy with the "what ifs" in life, we will never see the connection if we only conceptualise it in our minds but fail to put it into action.

Miss Kwan has so aptly put it across to us that we are as busy as the person next to us, and it is no reason for us to blame it on other commitments for the lack of time to study. This can apply to all aspects of my life.
Whatever that happens, no matter how uncomfortable or depressing it may be, there is always someone else who feels worse off. If we keep seeing ourselves as the sole victim, we are not going to go on very far - which is very true for most of the people who are constantly feeing unsatisfied and unhappy with their lives - because we will be stuck in the vicious cycle of wallowing in self-pity.

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Faith

It's really hard to hold an argument on intangibles and that's why the world's biggest problem till date has not been on money, weapons or numbers(they can be justified and accountable for). It has been on religion because it questions the very nature of faith. I was searching for differences between contentment and happiness for the GP essay and stumbled across this enlightening article: http://www.darshanchande.com/2009/09/are-you-atheist-or-believer.html

There are some harsh truths revealed in them that have supported those lingering questions I have of believers.

One particular excerpt which has really struck me was this:

"Putting faith on something means forcing it on your mind. God is not something to be forced on your mind. God is to be “known”. There is a difference between knowing and believing. Belief is a forced upon thing, while knowledge is natural. You only believe in something which you have no knowledge of. You “believe” in God, because you don’t “know” God. When you know God there remains no question of believing in it. There is no need for faith.

You know that tomorrow the Sun will rise again. You know that the Moon will show up tonight. You never say such thing as “I believe Sun will rise every morning.” You just say “Sun rises every morning”. This explains the difference between knowing and believing. There is no need for faith there, for you know that Sun and Moon exist. Likewise, when you know that God exists you will stop believing and start realizing God.

The first time you seriously contemplated God was when you were unhappy or insecure. And then every time when you are happy and contemplate God it is because you don’t want to lose happiness/security. Do some introspection and you will know it’s true. In any case, humans expect a favor from God when they contemplate God. Favor is the only reason for which humanity needs to believe in God. May it be taken on faith, but God is desperately needed for the want of favor. Other than the want of favor there can be no reason why you would like to believe in God. Has the belief that God is come with your birth? No. Have you ever given it a thought why then you force on your mind the existence of something which no one in the world has ever seen? It’s only because of the fear that not believing in God will land you into some sort of trouble, and believing in it will make life good.

Look at you. You need God because you want to be rich, or want a good wife, or want to become “something” in your life. These are all your worldly pursuits."


It was a coincidence that I've just dabbled on the issue of religion and spiritual matters recently. I know there are many believers around me, with some having a choice in their belief, and some being born to believe. The topic of religion has never really been brought up in the household because for some reasons, we are keen atheists and would like to keep it that way. I have never questioned people's faith for something but I've always wondered the difference between believing in God and believing in oneself.

Saturday, April 03, 2010

If today were your last

I've just watched one of the most inspirational and truthful speeches from Steve Jobs.
He's an amazingly talented guy and his successes are a testament to that.

Today's climbing session at Yishun was one of the best so far since post-MCTs. Every training session I can see marked improvements in my skill and taking it the next level. I hope this is sustained and I'm currently pushing it up to 6b and trying that overhang 6c yet again. I somehow have this fear of really inclined walls and I must learn to deal with this.
It's been a while since I've gotten a flapper. One of the most dreaded injuries that can happen because it affects every single thing that I do. It really reminds me from time to time how the functions of the hands are so important and essential.

It's no fun at all having to deal with a menopausal mom, all the symptoms of being easily annoyed, moody, frustrated and blah blah blah are affecting her so much. It's like a whiplash at me and it's really painful. I can't describe the distance between both of us and the emptiness I feel inside. As if I have suddenly lost a part of me that I'm constantly trying to bury in the midst of all the studying I do at home. One of the greatest reasons I ended the previous relationship was due to all the unhappiness that was caused among the 3 parties. It's very hard to keep up when you don't have your family's support. And I was searching for a middle platform to compromise that I realised there was simply no balance to be found. I had to let go of one side to keep the balance. Looking back now, things haven't improved at all and I think the both of us know deep down that the distance between us is not caused by an external party. I'm really trying hard to figure out what's the problem, but I'm still unable to. I only know I don't feel like I'm me when she's at home. I feel so restrained and suffocated.
Why do I feel so much pain?

I really can't imagine when I've finally achieved all my dreams and goals in the future, only to have lost the most important aspect of my life. Am I really that detestable a daughter? Am I really so cold? So heartless? So emotion-less? There's no real outburst happening, but I can definitely feel the undercurrents building up. Somehow I can see through the facade that we're both trying hard but act as if we don't. It's sooner or later my mom will not be able to take it. What about me?
I really hate myself for being so unnatural and forced at home.

从来快乐悲伤都自己横行
忘了我也值得被关心

其实我也想要拥抱的温柔
融化这颗坚强的泡沫

Friday, April 02, 2010

Maybe I have unleashed potential

This could be an extension to my self-motivated and driven talk to perform well for the next big exam - JCT!
Recently there's a lot of very encouraging & discouraging talks going round with regards to our MCT results. I have finally made the decision to drop my Physics to H1. I guess I have learnt my lesson in O levels. Hanging on to 2 pure sciences and ended up scoring B3 for both weren't exactly the most strategic move, if not my cut-off point would have led me to VJ. But then again, I have found my home in TJ so I have no regrets. That's not the point though. A levels is a whole new realm and it's not about which JC, it's about what courses that I can get into.

I had a really long talk with my Civics Tutor and she has sort of given me a wake up call to how I am not meeting expectations. All along I've really loved Econs and I've said it many times that the teacher's teaching style doesn't affect my liking for the subject. Today Mrs. Ang told me that she has hinted to me many times of how she knows I have a flair for the subject and that all along she was always expecting me to get A/B for Econs because of my responses in tutorials. I am so disappointed in myself okay. Now it's not about aptitude or not, it's just about putting in the effort to memorise facts to answer essays.

At night during Math tuition, my tutor got a shock because he expected me to perform well. He kept going on about how much more pain he is feeling as compared to me when he saw how I scored ones and zeros all over the pages when I could answer the questions.

There are so many people who know I can do it and have certain expectations of me and yet I am not performing up to standards. I know I've been such a disappointment.
I'm letting myself down the most because I have all the weapons ready for battle but not learning how to use them.

A serious wake up call, and there's no time to waste anymore.