Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Catalog

I have an unhealthy desire for answers where they can’t be found. 


Music may be a carrier for our memories, a harbor for our deepest feelings, and a catalyst for the emergence of both.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Deafening Silence

Words that become a fast blur.
Taking in only the forms,
But not the meaning.
Actually,
Not everything needs a close read.
Even a blur,
Can form music on its own.


Friday, November 25, 2011

Heart-throb

There is no measure of time with you that is long enough, let's start with forever.

Have I found you
Flightless bird, jealous, weeping or lost you....
Have I found you
Flightless bird, grounded, bleeding or
lost you?

Monday, November 21, 2011

Scents & Attraction

I had the luxury of time to go through a 4 page article regarding our attraction to others in relation to the natural body scent they are giving off. Ironic with the use of such time when I have a paper coming up in 2 days.

This is by far one of the most detailed article I have read regarding this topic. I vaguely know of the factors that play a part in the attraction I feel towards people. Before I had any idea, I thought I was the only one playing by the nose. And it's a realisation coupled with knowledge that it is actually a natural instinct to sniff out people and determine how attracted we are to whoever they are.

Throughout the article, it's referring to heterosexual couples and their nasal attraction. But I wonder, what about homosexuals? Being of the same sex would translate to more similar MHC genes? And if that's the case, as pointed out by the article, the higher the similarity, the more unattracted we would be to the other party. As distinct as scents might be, people of the same gender would more likely have a more similar set of MHC genes right? Then why the fatal attraction for them? Fatal as in doomed by our social conditions.

Behind the superficiality of deodorants, after-shaves, perfumes & colognes, the best time to whiff the most natural scent someone has is the moment he/she wakes up from a night's sleep. But to get to that stage, you have to be in a close relationship. And then comes the next part of the question, what if you are put off by that natural scent when you are in a close relationship? The emotions will mess up the ability to function by instincts that "he's/she's not the right one for me". Funny how these items are actually driving the sexual aggression by our society. Maybe that's why we are much more impulsive to get physically closer to whom we thought we were attracted to, to determine the suitability of our partners before we actually commit to a marriage.

A lingering thought, that sometimes I look like I'm better off studying psychology. And double degree is damn 凶 for me if I pursued what I'm doing now and up the ante with an arts degree. Shit. Why the pre A levels of me thought everything was achievable, till now when I'm really in it, I feel it. And boy, it's not easy.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

The Night Sky


These two friends of mine made a surprising visit to my new place, fitting into whatever available space there was. Since it was a special occasion, we went out to celebrate whatever there was to it, with a good meal at Paradise Inn. Having the car at my dispense made everything felt so much more grown up. As I turned into the carpark at Big Splash, a sudden pang of adulthood hit me. I came to this very same place just 2 years back, with Wayne and all his friends, and they were all at least 6 years and more, older than I was. Treading this memory lane with Nah and Nel made it seem a bit nostalgic but all the more valuable that we were coming of age, finally. Funny how Nel mentions she'd prefer chilling at a bar with good music and beer rather than clubbing, which I had been preferring since many years back. Wonder why I skipped the whole partying phase together as well. 

To many things I'd say 'been there, done that' before some of the peers, but last night's was a first.

The three of us, arms draped over each other, hands linked, heads rested on shoulders, as we stood at the breaking waters of the sea in the night sky. Soaking in the sounds of crashing waves against the shore, staring out into the distance with blinking lights emitted from the ships, purely enjoying each other's company without words. 

5 years, a mile stone. Amazing how long I've known these 2 fellas, since I was 13 years old. And I don't know why I was part of the 5 years journey. Hahaha. We've crossed multiple paths, and yet through all the ups and downs, we are back at the same point here. Crossroads and distance, you don't need to have all the same interests and to be in the same schools to treasure friendships.

It transcends that.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Value your self worth

Nothing grabs my attention as much as works directed and devoted to personal development. The introspective nature of mine has guided me to devouring many works centred around productive living. I feel that it is one aspect that is fully in my control and cannot be taken away no matter how the world changes.

Everything around us is constantly evolving. People are getting smarter, technology keeps driving things forward and there is only that finite amount of knowledge we can store in our minds about certain things. But I have always believed in one thing, that no amount of formal education can replace the education that one intends to have for a life. That education is so much more important, but not emphasized in our hectic lives. That education doesn't use quantitative measures and qualify numbers like Intelligence Quotient does. It is this particular education of growing ourselves internally that thrives the most in all of my devotion to learning.

I don't believe that the smartest person in the world, capable of performing calculations at the speed of light would be the happiest and most contented person unless he learns to develop his inner self as well. 

Our education system may be a measure of the success of one's life, in material terms. But how much is ever enough? We are always demanding for more. More money. Faster cars. Bigger houses. More love. More holidays. More this, and more that. It is an undeniable aspect of human nature.

Why are we never content?

The drive to want more is healthy. It would be worrying if one stops having this zest for life. That maybe just having this is enough, or maybe that would suffice. The world would stop progressing. And that's disastrous. We need to keep moving on, we need to keep improving ourselves. But, not at the expense of our happiness.

I have met many capable people around, intelligent, bright, full of wit, athletic, musically-inclined, you name it, I've seen it.

But how many truly happy people have I met in my life? That despite all the troubles and unique wars each and everyone of us faces every single day, he, still radiates like a sunshine.
Rare, it is, really, so rare.

I am still so far off in this journey of personal development... but I like the progress of it. The awareness of knowing what's good and right for the soul. There really isn't a quantifiable measure of how much there is to learn, only the wholeness of the mind and the positivity to regain the balance after a few knocks in life.

There is only so much that people can offer, but true happiness comes from within.

I'm still learning, and I really enjoy devoting time to explore this no matter how busy I am. It keeps me rooted. It keeps me sane. It reminds me to value my self worth. Because... the world can be so crazy sometimes. And amidst this craziness, I can put a smile to my face, knowing that the sun will still shine the next day.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

New

You know what I love best about myself? Knowing that when I open my eyes to a new day, every pain becomes less obvious, less haunting, almost as if it had left itself out in the distance away from me.

It's quite scary how my mind conditions itself to bounce back just like that. Really. Even I am a bit too amazed by how fast it thinks its way out of the maze.

Endless amounts of positivity, wish I could share.

The constant reminder that no matter how much pain I put myself through, it's still down the same path through time, why not make it easier for myself and everyone around me to just be contented, because that's how we all started out to be. We came here with nothing, and we are going to be leaving with nothing. There really isn't much holding on so hard onto something. Coming and going. A way of life.


But making mistakes is part of life's imperfection
Is it so wrong to be human after all?

React or act?

I am like a cultured plant who gets battered in the rain, and thrives in sunlight when the sun is up. I react so much to external factors, as if I depended on them to shape who I am.

I know I cannot keep reacting to all of these.

I need to start acting for myself.

Sometimes I really pride myself too much on my optimism, but being only human, I cannot carry through. It's so hard... and heavy, along this journey alone.

It's making me weak.
It's hurting me deep.
Boy, I am only human.
I've got my pride, I will not cry.
But I did.

And as I did, I was reminded of what you said, that it hurts so much more for your mom to see you cry because no mom would want to see her daughter cry.

There is really no way in being protected under the wings, because one day, I will have to learn how to fly. I will fall and sometimes it's going to be harder on other days, but I have to learn. And it hurts, and I know why it hurts, because it's the kind of hurt that I've been seeking, and the hurt that my mom has been trying to keep me away from. I'm sorry but this time, I'm on my own.
I need to grow, and hurting so much, is part of growing.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Screen

Sometimes you have been quite lost in the chase, that stark reminders lurk in the darkness, show itself suddenly, yelling that you should be keeping away. But, they are all just mind games in itself and assumptions of a single party. What should I do?

Tugging the strings of the heart,
sometimes lifting,
sometimes lugging.

Shoving under the rug, resuming studying. Best way to let time pass on its own and avoid matters altogether. Way to go.

Eyes

I was wondering how much do you give away with just the eyes? Daring to look at a person straight into the eyes conveys a sense of confidence and self esteem of one, yet, mastering the act of doing this and not actually staring requires some form of intuitive experience. On the other side, why would you feel shy looking at the person's eyes of whom you fancy? When you start becoming self conscious more than you want to, when the subconscious part of you takes on auto pilot and shifts the gaze away. It's quite a telling sign that your body is saying yes, as much as your logical mind is denying.
How many times do you catch yourself looking away just as your eyes meet for a split second?

Ah, hate it how I'm so aware of both the conscious and subconscious states of my mind. It's a constant battle in there doing what I should be doing and controlling what my body automatically wants to do. So much subtleties yet I pick them out like a little bug-picker.

Which brings me to my next point. I have had two consecutive peaceful nights without waking up to the itch on my limbs, and when I try to soothe these itches, I meet swelling patches like huge mozzie bites. Gone. All of these, GONE. I am sleeping far too much now, even with the glaring sun's light in my face, I somehow just manage to sleep it through into the noon. Good, and not good. Damn you exams. But it also means my body's recharging far more efficiently.

As I was climbing and doing routes I thought would be my peak, I somehow, managed to do them with some ease. It's a sign. I'm improving. I need to break the mental barrier that I'm not just limited to whatever grade I tell myself that I should be at. Try it on lead. Feels like a breakthrough is coming. I made my first dynamic legs cut loose move on a highwall yesterday. Wonder where I got the balls from. But it's making me smile.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Little nuggets of happiness

Slowly moving up Maslow's hierarchy of needs as I become more settled into the AMK environment and the convenience of this location. 

As you can tell, this little blog here has been revamped. Quite therapeutic for me when I visit it just to soak in the atmosphere. I wished I had more inspiration to pour more writings into this beautiful thing. 

I was reading Sumiko's column in The Sunday Times about happiness. I could relate a whole lot about how little things would suffice to making one feel happy. I'm so much happier than I was two days back, when everything was in a mess, and I was in so much of a pain dealing with the itch every night, and the lack of companionship, as if I was going through everything all alone. 

That was a chunkful. 

Even though the pest control team came and took the place down and soaked it thoroughly with chemical, I still experience some bites. It's pretty torturous to the mind, if it continues, I'm afraid I'm going to start developing other side effects like thinking bugs are crawling even when there are none. There will be a second treatment again a week later. I'm hopeful. 

For now, I'm just contented and happy that I have a proper place to study. I feel like I have to do my study table and place justice by doing well in my exams. Thankful for a nice environment even though it's merely a small flat to go by. If not for the bedbugs, actually, a small flat is conducive for a small family to develop stronger bonds. 

If I really had more money in future to invest in properties, I would never buy a huge landed property. I have lived from 3000sqft to a mere 700sqft now, and honestly, it's not the bigger the house, the happier I become. Just comfortable living with the right amount of love inside, is all about it to make a happy household. 

So much ups and downs in my life, I really treasure things that just flow and go along with little hiccups. Right now? I will be happier without the bugs. Just the bugs. Damn it.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Settled

You can only be as pathetic as your mind makes it up to be. The world still continues revolving despite all that you're facing.

There were many moments of solitude as I spend them away from home, away from family.

As I spend these moments alone, fighting the devil of emotions with the courage and will of the mind, I know I am growing stronger and tougher inside. Physical fatigue can be erased with sleep. Mental fatigue can be coped with positivity. Emotional fatigue with comfort.

I have been pretty desperate the past week with the shift and bedbug infestation. Help seemed so far away from those I'd expect the most from. Yet again, I've emerged through this wreck, knowing that there are some people you can depend on. Very thankful for having such a great mom to do things all out of the way just to make me feel a little better, appreciative of little gestures from friends offering their accommodations while I roamed around like a soul-less ghost as if the candle almost flickered out on its own.

You know they say, you see the truest of friends in the hardest of times. I have and it has touched my heart and broken it in some ways.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Inner Voice says

To have realistic expectations - Not a pillar of emotional support.
To be prepared for emotional ups and downs - Normal process of coming to terms with the change in life.
To take it slow - Build up a reserve of comfort, trust and pleasantries. Never turn to emotional dependency.
To have patience - Take each day as it comes and dig into this deep reserve of patience to deal with emotional ups and downs. Act as a pillar of emotional support. Give more than receive.

Ultimately, taking care of yourself first will enable you to care for others.

Start loving the real me, caring for me, being happy for me.
Then start giving, and not expecting returns.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Inside

The sinking feeling of having your second guesses turning into reality really hit me hard. Even though I'd expected it, you know, humans being humans, we always really don't want it to happen even though at the back of our minds, the thought lingers.

Only 2 nights and he'd started to voice out his displeasure. Sigh. How could you be so heartless?

There's always the easy way out of a relationship, a break up, a divorce. But where's the way out of sibling ties? Why am I constantly at the bad end of it all. I don't understand what I'd done to deserve whatever I am getting now.

You know

You know you have been very spoilt and sheltered when you take public transport, just like everyone else, you get comments that it's a rarity. You know you can't get used to new environments when all that you find comfort is right now, is really, nothing. You know you are too distracted by all life's events that the arrival of exams in a week's time seem to not trigger any source of anxiety.

"Only if you have been in the deepest valley, can you ever know how magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain"

I really reminisce all the past beautiful houses I have proudly called home once too many times.

Is it really true that 男人你应该去了解他,女人你应该去爱她?

There is no living in now, because every second passes and history is constantly just a second ago. Interesting theory that seems a bit beautiful and quirky.

Monday, November 07, 2011

Ache

My heart aches so badly. The constricting feeling inside when I withhold all the feelings building up, tears welling up occasionally, but I swallow all of them back down. It's not the right moment to crumble now, the mind's a clutter, along with the physical mess. My world's upside down and I don't feel right.

Even the once comforting bed cannot offer solace for the soul. I need a refuge... but where? I'm hiding so far behind, I can't seem to find it anywhere, at all.

It's such a depressing post. FML for having to take on responsibilities like a man sometimes, really. It's not that I want to be a superwoman, I don't have a choice. I'm too tough outside too soft inside, by circumstances, not by choice.

I just want to be a 小女人. I need to whine, bitch, cry about nothing, truly like a girl but I can't. Sigh.

Thursday, November 03, 2011

Closure

I have finally gone about packing up all my things, which really isn't much. Bits and pieces lying around here and there which I have forgotten all about. Funny how the mind forgets when it wants to...especially when my memory is pretty good at remembering little moments.

I cleared the depths of the drawer and found a necklace made on 11.12.08 and at that moment, I was like "wow, I have absolutely forgotten about this" and it went into another drawer of all the other sentimental things. And while I was digging out my November posts of all the previous years, I chanced upon this one particular post at the last paragraph, and it struck me of how much good things that have happened to me and I have chosen to forget all of those. And it clearly got wiped out of my normally very good memory.

Then again, it's been a closure since and I have healed. I have so many of his things lying around. I should go around to returning them just as I move out. And honestly, I don't know why I don't have the courage to face/talk to him. How to return like that? Of all things that I have been confident, courageous, bold and sometimes fearless about, now I'm shrinking in cowardice when faced with matters of the heart.

As I watch this... and hear the emotions, I realise I still have a long way to go in developing emotions. True, heartfelt, even if heartwrenching but real emotions. I have covered so many literature texts, read so many love stories, analysed too many nuances. And yet, internally, I am really just a green horn in the subject of love.