Saturday, March 31, 2012

Delicate balance

You can tell the strongest of person not in his physical strength, but in his unfaltering commitment to stand by his beliefs despite all temptations flying his way. Living up to my own expectations is just as tiring as fulfilling it can be. And when I decide to strip all expectations I have of other people, I am able to be the most truthful person to myself in accepting that there can not be such thing as perfect. The simple joy of impressing myself over and over is enough for sustenance of the soul. Somehow, I have for once, managed to centre the balance in knowing when to expect more from myself and knowing when to be contented. I really revel in this moment in life. Giving it my best shot is the most I would expect of myself, and the rest will fall into place. I've learnt to take the backseat and not assume control of every detail in my life.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Another serendipity moment

This semester I have clearly set out my priorities of reducing distractions and giving more focus to my studies which really is the sole reason why I'm in a University. With climbing in my life, I have little time and energy for anything else. These 2 were more than enough to keep me busy if I were to perform equally well for both. On top of those, I would take the organising of Boulderactive as my part-time work which requires a little bit more of my time but not as demanding as my 2 main priorities.

I feel like I have made the right decision and learnt from the mistake I made in Sem 1. How very ambitious of me, I went head first into my first Business Case Competition organised by NUS-Shell 1/2 months after matriculation. As I initially had the idea that my timetable for school wasn't very tight, I happily committed myself to working part-time once a week at an audit firm. With that, I also had to juggle 3 times a week training for climbing. So basically, I had a ton of projects week after week, with basically no time to even study properly at all. What happened? My grades sucked, I was almost soul-less, and I basically wanted to kill myself for making such silly decisions of wearing myself so thin. But all of these, I couldn't just say I want to quit halfway. So I saw myself through the crazy sem. And I thought I was going crazy too.

So, even a fool would learn his lessons, I have learnt mine too.

I am not usually one to keep my head in the clouds, but I assure you, everyone has his moment of wishing for the moon.

It was 3 years ago, when I first paid attention to this little wish. Knowing that it was highly impossible, I entertained it only on an intermittent basis.
You know the saying of wishing for the moon? And even if you don't get to the moon, at least you'll land among the stars?
It's really a pleasant surprise to be surrounded by the stars, especially when I least expected it.

I cannot be more content.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Carpe diem


One thing that stuck with me with what you’ve said:
I’d rather have more “oh wells” than “what ifs” in my life. 
And though this is making me go beyond my usual comfort zone, I’m really curious to see where I’d go with this.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Sibling Love

There's something in me that can't resist showering my brother with gifts. Call it sister love if you will. But I never knew I was capable of loving my brother in such a way. I think as much as I speak badly about him and disapprove of his lifestyle, he very much remains to be the only brother I can ever have.
I have since lost count of the number of times I walked past shops thinking how nice this shirt will look on him, or how nice this pair of shoes will suit him. The lingering thought of how he consistently doesn't have enough money to buy necessary things like these to pamper himself. Or perhaps he chooses to pamper himself in other self-deprecating ways I dislike. 

The point is, I have unconsciously forked out so much without so much a thought as long as it makes him happy, which I think is really nice because I enjoy surprising people sometimes. But I don't know how much of it does he really appreciate.

The only times he cares so much to sit beside me and talk to me are the times he asks me meekly for some money to tide him through till his pay comes again. I am like his second mother who would sustain him because his real first mother has given up hopes on the way he handles his finances. I gave him a long reasoning of how I should not be acceding to his requests time and again whenever he runs out of money because I am merely condoning his inability to manage his finances properly and I will always be his safe harbour providing this ultimate reliance. What if the next time he demands not hundreds but thousands to tide him through? As much as I will be able to have such spare cash on hand to give, I don't know how I am helping him in any way in teaching him how to manage well for his future. 
But oh to my weak soft heart, I gave in again after the long reasoning. Why, oh why do I feel like a mother talking reason with her son knowing he's merely sitting there treating it as a 'nagging' phase before getting the money on hand. 

Sigh. 

I ask myself if I have ever received anything from him thus far, and the answer is no.

I just keep a hand made birthday card I received from him when I was in Primary school. And you have no idea how valuable that little card is to me. 

The things we all take for granted in life. I will still continue to give with no expectations though. But how to handle this awkward situation where I am putting myself on the line of not receiving allowance if I continue to condone his spendthrift ways?


Monday, March 19, 2012

Status

Our interesting St Patrick's Day conversation on Saturday at Starbucks with the 3 of them, P, R, C (hahaha) led me to this post on the importance of having a status in a relationship.

Chanel almost died in anger (lol) trying to defend her stand on having one while Pam and I supported the prolonging of the official-ness. Quoting P's current situation is like my ideal state I'd want to pursue too - of finding out more about the person, learning about his quirks, dating for as long as possible, before becoming officially attached. But then again, like Chanel mentioned, what would actually define officially attached if everything that you do during the process of getting to know each other better is actually equivalent to being officially together? The focus of her point was the hurt that would occur regardless whether there was status to the relationship or not.

I realised that we tend to take things very quickly when we happen to find someone we think might be the one. The heartbreak that occurs is really no less than being in an officious relationship anyway. This is the top reason why I support the whole process of really knowing someone, and falling for your best friend, than going heart-first, adrenaline-rushed relationship which probably wouldn't sustain when the trough will occur some day. And I still believe in people standing by you during adversities. Many truths of a person appear during that difficult period. And since life isn't all that smooth all the time, the longer the duration you get to engage with a particular person, the more you see the realness of one.

One good example, I took a good 6 years to uncover a truth I never knew from a friend I thought I knew so well. Such is the reality. And I have become more judging than perceiving over the years, which means it's pretty bad because it was a huge disappointment to know something about the person I didn't think he would ever have been.

But I still believe in the goodness of many people. And I think I'm really lucky to be in the company of my few close valued friends who can always pick up where we last stopped.

Interesting article I came across somewhat regarding this. I actually agree with it. Ha!


Thursday, March 15, 2012

Lucid Dreaming

The last time I broached on this topic was quite a while back, and I think I have just managed to experience my first lucid dreaming experience. Just to explain the term simply, lucid dreaming refers to the ability to control your dream while you're dreaming.

The story that blurs the line of fiction and non-fiction... It feels bittersweet knowing something like that did not happen in reality, but glad that something played out like that in my dreams and I had an active participation in it.

As usual, the time for the conclusion of my usual activity came. As I was prepared to leave the place, I popped an inviting question if you'd want a lift from me back home. You seldom smile, but this time, you gave a wide mischievous grin and shook your head. I sensed some hesitation on your part and decided to seize the opportunity by throwing the question back to you a second time. You agreed. You knew you wanted. As we were in the car, you asked me if I enjoyed giving people rides home, I said I don't particularly enjoy, but it's also because I don't get to enjoy much of people sending me home anyway. You continued on with your random conversations with me until I have no idea how we ended in some other place that we didn't intend to go. Quite illogically, the next scene, the both of us were on a huge bed that didn't seem like a normal one. It was twice the size of a king size bed. You continued with your random sentences that I couldn't pay attention to because I was so distracted by your mere presence. As I was lying on my side facing away from you, I thought I heard you sniffing from behind me, and I guessed you were trying to get a whiff of my hair scent. I shifted in closer to you until we were almost touching. As if I guessed it right, you buried your head into my hair and took deep whiffs. We were in such close proximity but our bodies never touched. As I turned around to face you, you continued talking and our eyes met. I could only keep the gaze so much as 2 seconds before breaking it as it was too intense. I managed another laughter in response to your words while shifting the focus away from you momentarily. I could tell from the corner of my eyes that the close proximity of us but yet not touching at all was a very inviting factor to keep our hearts racing. How odd that a couple of feet away, my mom was lying on the bed with us playing with her handphone. At that moment, you asked her if she could leave us alone and allow us some peace and quiet time together. I winced as I heard those words leaving your mouth, because I knew the presence of my mom was merely an alter ego of myself, reminding me that I ought not do anything a mom would disagree with. As I got up to take a shower, I left the bed and you. Coming out from the shower moments later, the bed was empty, the sheets were messy - an indication that we had been lying there. It was real. I was disappointed that you had left without waiting for me, but I saw a note on the dressing table. 

Very abruptly, I woke up from my dream. I was dying to know the contents of the note and I felt really tired, so I shut my eyes and continued sleeping, forcing the dream to continue itself.

Before I knew it, I was back in the room, walking towards the dressing table. Your note came into full view, it was small, but book-like with the middle folded. On it, your unique handwriting in marker showed "Thanks for everything. Sorry I had to go. See you later. 1030." Short and sweet, typical of your writing.
And I woke up again. With everything fresh in my head, I logged this dream in the nearest device I could land my hands on before I start forgetting the details.

I've been very curious about my dreams because I have had 3 days of consecutive dreams which I remember and that's something out of the ordinary because usually I don't remember dreaming at all.
Reading up about this particular dream, which by now, you can tell, has a sensual slant to it, actually has one memorable analysis that I shall just take home with me:

"Sometimes people have dreams where they are being taken care of, loved very deeply or cuddled – dreams that are not overtly sexual but which leave the dreamer feeling very drawn to the person in the dream who was being so affectionate. These dreams can leave an individual feeling very shaken up and confused because often the love interest in the dream is not a regular partner. In our experience, these dreams can tell us a great deal. We believe they're often there as some manifestation that all is not entirely well with our current situation. They often express a hankering for a loving experience that is absent from a marriage or long-term relationship."

Actually I found another more suiting description for the person involved in this dream:

"In case you have dreams about someone you met somewhere, but you are not so sure if you like them or not, this means that this person will become very important for you in a while. The unconscious mind sends you dreams about someone who will become a special person for you when you’ll pay attention to their charm even before you’ll notice their presence."

I'm dying to know if you actually loved sniffing hair scents in real life. That'd be quite funny.

Friday, March 09, 2012

Leap of faith

I feel I have to note this particular moment where I can physically feel the difference from a varsity team training and a JC training. Despite enduring sometimes the same amount of cruelty to the mind, I can actually see myself putting on those... muscles. It has to be really amazing because I see myself everyday and I'm not supposed to notice the difference, but I do. And I can feel the significance of the additional muscles I've been gaining because my shirts are really getting a bit tighter it has gone beyond the point of being sexy. It just looks too small. And I don't dare to wear dresses anymore (partly because I look like I'm bursting out of them again) because I look like a man and my friends keep saying my biceps are so visually obvious.

Today as I climbed at Asia, I felt my months of effort into liking bouldering and enjoying it really paid off. Because I have dared to execute many dead points and even almost-full throws while leading. That moment where you hold you breath wondering if you'll get the hold while flying mid-air. That risk you take. I wouldn't have had the guts if not for bouldering so hard with crazy dead points I sometimes do that kill the middle finger joints. And it's not particularly that, that I fancied so much about. It's really more about translating my bouldering courage into leading. I keep reminding myself to be like how I am on boulder routes. And I am so glad I managed to do that today.

Sunday, March 04, 2012

My vulnerability


The willingness to say "I love you" first
The willingness to do something where there are no guarantees
They're willing to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out
- These are all the things that I haven't been able to do.

I have a vulnerability issue.
And vulnerability is the core of shame and fear, and our struggle for worthiness, but it also appears that it's also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love, and I think I have a problem, and I need some help.

The greatest insight I have learned from this is that it speaks volumes about myself with regards to this:
One of the ways we deal with vulnerability is that we numb vulnerability.
You cannot selectively numb emotion.
You can't say, here's the bad stuff, here's vulnerability, here's grief, here's shame, here's fear, here's disappointment, I don't want to feel these.You can't numb those hard feelings, without numbing the other affects, our emotions.
You cannot selectively numb.
So when we numb those, we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness. And then we are miserable. And we are looking for purpose and meaning, and then we feel vulnerable.
And it becomes this dangerous cycle.
Well, that's me. Having awareness doesn't mean it is acceptance.
I am really trying to push myself out there.
To invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. It doesn't only restrict itself to romantic relationships, it lends itself to friendships as well.

But there is something more that I have to deal with because while I become more in touch with my emotions with people who matter, people who care for me, they are you guys, my friends.
My family? They keep pushing me back to numb my vulnerability. Because I have to be strong, it's my responsibility.

I think I might have some problems.