Saturday, June 30, 2007

我要快乐

Love can surprise us.
Bad or good surprises?
There is so much i have in my mind that i can't take it anymore.

When i try to think clearly and put in my best to be level-headed. I just shut the doors of my mind and give up trying.
I'm so numb. I really am so numb from everything.
I want something new. But i'm afraid of changes. I'm afraid of losing. Yet, neither sides are winning nor losing. Tell me what to do?
I thought i felt love. Then the next moment, my world crashed. At the end of the day, it's money again.
I feel like dirt. I feel like trash. I feel like a jerk. Because i can't even help myself, and i want to help everyone else. Do we really do things for the benefits of others? Or purely for the benefits of oneself?
I can't afford to make any mistakes. But i don't know what really is the context of this mistake? So how do i even avoid it?
Tell me....

I had enough of shouting. I had enough of quarrels. I had enough of being angry. I had enough of being sad. I had enough of being tossed around. I had enough of always being the messenger. I had enough of being the mediator. I had enough of playing the bad and good person all at once. I had enough of trying to act as if i'm fine and that i don't give a damn.

I hope one day it'll all end. The day is nearing.
And i might lose something i held onto for so long, went through so much hurt and torture in the mind.
我比困扰还跟困扰.
All of a sudden, i can't even help myself out...

Is this the end of my family?

Ever since, i never once stopped myself from tearing inside whenever i see how much love a happy family spreads. I feel empty... in one little corner of my heart.

I'm at a loss of what to do...
I just want happiness... and a happy.. family. I don't know how to make this possible. I can't even try now. I don't have the courage.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

=(


I feel so demoralised in studies right now.
I open the books; i stare at the questions, and they stare right back at me.
And i feel stupid. Because all i have in my mind is blank. I hate this feeling.

It's really affecting my morale & mood.
I dislike holidays. They break the momentum of my pace.
I'm so stressed out.
And i feel so helpless...!!!!
望尘莫及了!!!!

Monday, June 25, 2007

Term 3

The June holidays just flew by like nobody's business! I didn't even have time to sleep late every single day because of work. Great. But it's ok. I never allow my physical state of mind to slack else i will be dozing off in class for the first month or so i think. Hehe.

I'm surprised i earned more than half a k just in 3 weeks of work! And it's less than 15 working days cos' i don't work every single day. Not bad huh.
Working is totally different from studying.
When you need a break from studying you just stop and nap.

But when you are working and it's office hours, better not let your boss catch you skiving. And bosses love their employees to be very on the ball, task oriented. Give a task, expect immediate response. Trains me to work at an accelerated speed mentally and physically. Perhaps it'll do me some good in my studies as well!~

I didn't even study at all during the holidays and today, i realised i forgot almost nearly everything we learnt. Gosh.

Another difference in work and study again. When you are out of school, you still worry about the homework, the exams and projects. But when you come out of office, you just wipe them out of your mind and relax. Go back to office then stress again. Hahaha~
Term 3 - 10 weeks to prove of my self-worth man.
I want to surprise myself with how much i can achieve. Hehee.
That's what i like about new starts and beginnings.
Feel so fresh and alive. Okay, not very since i'm panicking now that i forgot what we covered in term 1 and 2. -.-'''
Bless me and my mind. Going into war zone again~

Thursday, June 21, 2007

ZooooooOoOoo - 20/06/07

Today's EXCURSION TO THE ZOOOOO AND NIGHT SAFARI was so excitinggg.
Ya, that's cos' i'm scared of the animals and end up exciting myself more than half the time. Hahaha!

I know all of you guys are so jealous i get to go the ZOO and NIGHT SAFARI! *evil laughter* bwaahaha~

I shan't talk much. Pictures speak a thousand words. Damn tired
to type liao. I think we've covered at least 10km of walking today? Or more? Cos' we covered every inch of the zoo and every bit of the night safari. We went in at 12.30p.m, came out at 10.50p.m. PHooooOo~ So bonding hor. Kekeke.
Horsey thinks my hair smells damn nice. Attracted. A GUY; and a horse. Not bad. =p
"I fart at your face then you know..."

"I know my stomach damn sexy..."

"I'm shyyyy already la... don't peep at my *ahem* ku ku jiaoooo"


This thousand year old, i mean, century year old tortoise was damn big. And certainly loves to eat.

My head bigger than yours lah~!

Look at the cute penguins behind! and of course don't forget the 帅哥 and 美女.


Miniature horse! Don't be mistaken! They are already adults. Not babies. This is the biggest they can get.

"Look! I'm black..."

"And now i change colour! 超级变变变!""Let you seee my *kekeke*...""Blah! Enough~ shoooooo""有没有被我性感的眼睛电到?"

"i'm a sexy hot babe...~"

I got into the vehicle....

and muscle man thinks he can push me and the vehicle.

Then he thinks he's so pretty with the blink blinks and monkey. Haha!

On to night safari!~

Hungry girl going to dig in...

and someone is even hungrier than me. See what i mean by baboon behaviour?

I was so afraid at the suspension bridge... but we saw nothing. =(

"Ahhhh! 被发现了! don't peeep at my *ahem*~"

Hahaha, i know the animals are cute.

But the humans in there are very cute as well!

A real beauty.
The animals in the zoo are simply leading too good a life...
I guess it's time for us to be kept in the zoo as well...
I might get eaten by the animals though.

Baby African Elephant ma... must act a bit dumb dumb one.
then this one elephant see elephant do...
We were all once like that...
So kuku until poke our own head...~
O.O oww~ Who poke meeee?! #^@&^#@&*

We had a hell of a fun time at the zoo and night safari. Scaring ourselves and laughing at how dumb dumb we were. Hahaha...
I didn't know i had a boyfriend who resembled a baboon. Behaves like one. Looks like one too!
Rawrrrr!~

With love,
the monkey.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Worthy?

Is it a very big sacrifice...

to exchange..

A dad

-
drive me to school daily
- pays for the utility bills
- pays partly for the house and bank loan

and i think that's all

for

Happiness.


Let's not even talk about the part about the love from a dad. His life revolves only him and himself only. He never concerns about me or my life, neither my mom's nor my bro's. It's always about us wasting his money. Eating his money. Stealing his money. And all i get is the middle person always getting the shit of "what the hell is your mother doing? want to play punk right? see who play who. " "AND AH your stupid maid blah blah blah."
It's forever everybody else's faults and not his.
The look on his eyes whenever he sees whoever in the house is full of hate and anger and nothing else.
And my heart to him is as icy cold as the north or south pole(whichever that's colder).

Now there he is enjoying himself with whoever to exotic restaurants he never brought us to. And treating the house like a garbage bin with litter staying in it.

Then the cutting of my home phone line. Then the situation where my house is almost blacking out already just to save his electricity. And lastly, his sudden blasts at every single happy soul in the house.

家家有本难念的经啊...

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Negativity

If a smile could wipe away the fears;
if a sorry could make up for all the hurt caused.

I'd be free...

Now i can't even forgive myself, what more forget?
Am i the only one feeling it?
The more i give myself away, the more pain is inflicted.

What should i do...?

We all agree that certain things can't be undone.
They can be forgiven, but they are never forgotten.
Who has the courage to forgive and to forget as well?

I haven't found my courage, yet.
And it's eating my heart up...
Who'll save me?


Everything is happening so fast now.
When it doesn't come, nothing happens at all.
When it's time, everything comes at once.
There are so many interested buyers for the house.
And we didn't even have the time to look out for new houses to move into.
The life ahead definitely seems very unpredictable.
Will a new saga start again, or will my peace finally set in...

Friday, June 15, 2007

Kid/adult?

Y'know what's the bad thing about being stuck in between? Labelled teen, yet not really one. Labelled kid, yet not one either. Labelled adult, too young to be.
What am i supposed to be. Maybe that's why they say it's this stage where all the girls and boys always get confused, ending up in the wrong direction.

Because people from everywhere expects me to be all roles rolled in one body and mind. So tiring.
So am i supposed to be a cute little kiddie? happy go lucky? or a teen with the emo shit? or adult with loads of understanding and experience?
Aiya, so confusing. This age sucks. Cos you got no where to go. Too old to fit into kids' world, because they are just too cute and naive. Too young to fit into adults' world, because they call you a minor.
Don't you think i should just kill myself and wrap myself up like a mummy and wait till it's time where i finally end up somewhere.

Prim and proper to lift my head and lead the life.

I still have to carry on my life for now.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Blinded by Faith

Hope is frail... but it's hard to kill.

Do you believe in miracles?

I do.



Sometimes i love myself too much for choosing the right path and always being strong-willed; because if i don't help myself, no one else will. And my decisions never once made me disappointed before.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Life-threatening sia

I can't believe i almost fainted after having a hole each in both ear lobes.
And i know none of you believe anyone can almost faint just by having ears pierced. AND i know it's something EVERY girl does, it's like a forte for girls.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEW.

The person who serviced me at 77th Street (Plaza) didn't do a good job. Everyone tells me YOU FEEL NOTHING AT ALL. But I FELT SOMETHING. She didn't even dabbed any alcohol on my ear lobes to numb it. She just drip it on the studs and insert it into the gun and pierced.
Shit man, i swear i felt every single thing going through my flesh.

And after paying for the lousy service, i walked out a few steps from the shop and my vision turned to reddish-yellowish. Then i slowly started going soft on the knees and my hearing became echoes only.

My mom and bro were with me. And both were busy laughing at how freaked out i was. None of them believed i felt faint. Until we were taking the escalator down, then my bro looked back and saw my face as white as ghost. That was then they believed. -.-'''

I swear i nearly puked, shit, cry and faint all at the same time.
Haha! I know it's damn drama. It was as drama as this when it happened.
After a while settling down on the seats outside Starhub, i broke out in cold sweat and started feeling better.

AND all this is caused just by 2 pathetic holes on the ear lobes.

SHEEEZ~



For those who haven't seen my very-long-ago slalom vid: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rFwBjcAFU08

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Wierd people

Sometimes we people are so unpredictable. Unpredictably mature, and unpredictably childish.
And those two just make a very good yin yang fusion.

Aye, i also very confused liao. I can act like a 20 year old one moment, then become a 7 year old kid the next. So fun right?

Every time also kena this kinda rubbish to handle. Good then play, not good then fan lian liao. I'm everyone's little punching bag. *Weeee~* feel free to puuuunchhhh whenever you feeeeeel like man.

Hai~

So fan ar... so troubled.

It's like everything means nothing, and yet nothing means something. So cryptic.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

So streesssss

Aiyaaa, these few days so busy like siao like that.
Work work work.

Last sunday was my first time at the annual Paya Lebar Runway event. Tried the 15km leisure route. Quite fun, not very tiring plus it's a very good morning exercise. Sweated like don't know what. Must have lost a lot of fats around my tummy area cos' my older Levi's jeans seems looser now(i was outgrowing it). >.<

The work load at the office is getting more because they trust i do the job efficiently and fast enough to complete on time. But i'm beginning to lack the speed i had on the first few days. Now's so draggy and tired. Maybe not enough sleep? (But i've been turning in at 10.30p.m the past 2 nights!) Siao liao la. Old liao.

Office also got a lot of politics. Just that office people don't have as much as time schoolers to gossip. Haha! The best is? Hear in hear out. Best, i say.

Time flies man. It's already the 2nd week of my school holidays. And i haven't touched a single assignment from school. Not surprising anyway. We are talking about Ms. Last Minute here. Aiya, so many projects to do also. I'm even busier than school days.

-Skate, swim, work, meet up for projects, time for you, time for mommy, time for myself to sleep.

Work is enough to keep me busy at least 3 days a week. 1 day for mommy. As much time as possible with you. At nights for myself to sleep. Once or twice a week for projects. Wah... so interesting. This holiday is definitely a fun-filled one. I learnt loads of things from work.
Gained work experience.


Not surprisingly, my com crashed on me again. I'm currently using the office's com (not skivin; it's after work) my com at home can't even be turned on! i can't be bothered to rectify the problem anymore. Sucks man. I think i've reformatted the computer at least 4 times already since the beginning of this year. Who would so love to chip in to buy me a new set of CPU? Hehehe...