Friday, June 25, 2010

Binge eating

I have figured why people always put food in their mouths in short intervals of time, especially when they are devoting a huge amount of attention to concentrating on a task. I have been quite aware of myself going to the fridge just to open it hoping that some food will magically appear in between the studying that I do. And during these breaks, I am just popping things into my mouth even though I'm not very hungry. It's just something to entertain the jaw muscles while the brain muscles take a backseat.

I guess it occurs in many people's subconscious mind as well.
Have you realised that you are eating more than you usually do especially during holidays when you spend large amounts of time focusing on something? It's so bad for health, especially when we are such lazy couch potatoes who refuse to go for a jog or something without the compulsory PE.

Another realisation that dawned on me as well - people hold their breaths when the car is on the move, until it stops at a traffic light, they remain quite tense. Unbelievable? Be more aware of your breathing when you are sitting in the car the next time! I have actually been observing this for quite a while, especially in the morning when my mom and I speed ourselves to get me to school on time. Both of us subconsciously let out our held in breaths when we come to a red light. It's quite funny actually.

The Empress Dowager is showing all symptoms of old age. Nagging, paranoia, anxiety, easily irritable, infused with her natural short temper, it's quite annoying to my ears. I can practically play a recording of the things she can say. It's always the same on repeat. Blah blah blah.
I actually think it's quite self-fulfilling in the way she keeps repeating them, it reinforces on her thinking and mindset and she goes on and on with the evil cycle. And I'm the poor 3rd party suffering from all these negative spillover effects. I am basically quite a tolerant person, but my fuse is pretty short with her around. Please enlighten me on how not to get so easily annoyed. It's almost like a reflex action of me going into the defense mode when she goes into her attack mode. Fail. Eh, I'm seriously thinking of getting her to seek counselling to cure her pessimism. In my futile attempts to get her to read more widely to widen her perspective on many things, she hates reading. Ah well.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Thinning

I'm wondering right now if I should make a trip back to my toilet and check out the little drain cover if there's a pile of wasted hair there, because I seriously can feel the scalp when I touch my almost balding head. It's going to an unhealthily thin state that I'm wondering if there's anything wrong with me. I'm having a permanent gastric pain even though I filled/stuffed myself for dinner hoping the gastric juice would dissolve. It's not working though.
I'm thinking I might be like Pam! Oh no. Over-eating? Inability to digest? But I've been defecating normally. Hope the gastric pain dies down after a good night's sleep.

I've never felt this prepared for Lit before. I'm actually done with studying(by my standards) it just before the day itself. Yes, I used to study only on the day itself thinking I'd pass. Usually I do scrap through, hopefully I'm able to up the gear this time! No more hovering around the 50% percentile. The worst feeling is dangling halfway. Not knowing if I should put in more effort to sustain a C/B grade or leave it there cos I'm content with being average.

You know how we always tell ourselves to go into competitions with no expectations? Just doing your best?
I'm going into JCTs with high hopes for Math especially. It's hard to tell myself that it don't matter if my results suck again this time round, because I genuinely have put in effort. It's hard to tell myself that it's a grow and learn process.
But then again, I just have to do it either way. For the greater good... So pessimistic. So unlike me! Okay, moderate expectations. Pick it up like a man and move on whatever the outcome is.

I was just flipping around Facebook profiles of many of the old friends. The old times we all had back in Secondary school. I can't believe how much we have all changed, how much the bonds have changed as well. All the letters we used to write to each other day after day, with all those fervent... it has diminished as we grow out of the girly childish mould. It reminds me of how we were so innocent and childlike, so carefree and stress-free. Friends do come and go; learning to treasure the now, rather than look back and think of the what ifs.
All the different phases of my life flash through my mind from time to time as I have time to myself, be it in the bus, or just waiting for something/someone, and it all feels like it happened just yesterday. Time is slipping by like the water in my hands - the harder I try to clasp my hands together, the faster it seeps away.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Dreams

I had 2 scary dreams within a 2 hour nap. Both kept my heartbeat furiously pumping away when I was shaken awake by the realness of the dream. The first I was walking on a narrow path, like the one featured in X-men, a huge empty dome, just a longgggggg straight path to a small circle with the computer. Initially there were railings, then suddenly they all disappeared. Someone pushed me, I woke up just as I started falling.

And I have no memory of the second. And behind all the racket my mom was creating with phone calls coming in every 5 minute, I was surprised at being able to fall into a deep sleep.

I'm impressed with how well my mom handles her finances.
Don't buy don't buy, want to buy, suddenly buy 2 cars.
She really wants us to grow up knowing how to handle our finances, telling us every process, and even when my bro approached my dad to be partly responsible for his car, my mom told us after talking to him that he's still the same old same. Selfish, money-minded lonely old man. Sigh.
After 3 whole years, imagine how much he could have saved without having to trouble over the household bills, the kids, the house loan etc. After the divorce, paid off in full for a flat he bought for himself. With no debts, no nothing, it's so difficult for a son to get a sum from his dad.
What's Father's Day? I don't know. Maybe Father's Day is due when the kids/wife would stop pestering him for money. Maybe because he thinks it's not his responsibility anymore. Maybe he thought after a divorce, the kids are not his kids anymore. Maybe he wasn't even mentally prepared to settle down to start a family. Perhaps a single life would suit him better. But men will always be men, the temptations are hard to resist.
I don't understand how come there are such fathers in this world.
The emotional attachment has weaned off to a mere nothing already.

We should have parenting 101 for the students nowadays. In better preparation for a stable marriage life, to reduce the divorce rates, to push up the birth rates - it starts from the young.

20 things i wish I'd known at 20

Straight off the site from mightygirl.com:

These are a few of the lessons I wish I’d started learning a little earlier. I haven’t mastered them yet, but now you get a head start.

1. Consider the source. If you’re worried about someone who dislikes you, first ask yourself whether they’re an asshole. If you don’t like them, and they don’t like you, that’s not a problem. That’s a mutual understanding.

2. Get off the couch. If you find yourself playing hard to get, don’t pretend to be busy. Just be busy.

3. Don’t waste your time. If you have to play hard to get, move on. You’ll know when you’ve found a healthy relationship because it won’t confuse you.

4. When in doubt, shut up. Silence is a smart negotiation tactic, the best option when you’re processing how to respond, and always more productive than lying about what you’re thinking.

5. Don’t complain. Maybe venting makes you feel better, but letting off steam can also lull you into maintaining the status quo. Unfortunately, the status quo is pissing you off, which is why you’re whining in the first place. If you’re frustrated, turn that energy toward fixing your problems, not bitching about them.

6. Don’t obsess. Worrying is complaint’s ugly cousin. Either use that energy to change your situation, or relax.

7. Find an age-appropriate style. No one wants to see a 20 year old in beige slacks and a wool blazer. Buy trendy clothes, wear the slutty dress, do something ugly with your hair. Be part of your generation, so you can laugh at the photos later.

8. Be polite. It keeps doors open, lessens the potential for misunderstandings, and increases the odds of getting invited back to the beach house.

9. But defend your boundaries. When someone isn’t taking no for an answer, clarify what you want, and then respond forcefully. Being polite to someone who isn’t hearing you is naive.

10. You look good. There’s no such thing as the hottest person in the room. Everyone is attracted to something different, so just take those odds and run with them.

11. Being nice is overrated. In fact, “nice” is the least interesting thing someone can say about you.

12. Keep it to yourself. “She seems nice” is an excellent thing to say about someone you don’t like. Particularly in the company of people you don’t know.

13. Know your audience. When you’re telling a story and someone interrupts you, let them.

14. Let your passion shape your profession. You know that thing your dad says? “If work wasn’t hard, they wouldn’t pay you to do it.” Please. There are professional rock stars, astronauts, puppy trainers, and bloggers.

15. Sex is personal. Don’t bother with one-night stands if they’re not your thing, and don’t judge people for enjoying them (or not). Waiting to sleep with someone doesn’t make you an uptight prude, and jumping into bed doesn’t make you a spontaneous adventure seeker.

16. Focus. The saying, “what you’re thinking about is what you’re becoming” isn’t just chilling, it’s a universal law. Be aware of how you’re investing your attention – including your words, and your actions.

17. Cut yourself a break. Don’t offer a running commentary on your own faults. When you do, the people around you listen. Give yourself space to change your character.

18. Don’t be intimidated. World travelers are just people who bought plane tickets. Pulitzer Prize winners are people who sit alone and write. You can break the most profound accomplishment down to a series of mundane tasks.

19. Choose good company. Ask yourself if a person makes you better or drains your life force. If the answer is B, you’re busy next time they call. And the time after that.

20. Enjoy your body. Odds are you’re more beautiful now than you will be again. Ask your roommate.

I've highlighted the ones that I can relate to most easily.
I love the practical, down-to-earth advice. It's so easy that you can just apply it straight away in your life without all the abstractness of other freely-all-over-the-net-dispensed advice.

Literature

After having studied the 5 books that are compulsory for Lit, I don't think I've ever mentioned before, but Oranges is one of my favourites. Since I've left off from the previous post about Oranges, I would like to continue it here in this post. It's okay if you don't take Lit, or care much about reading the book up on your own, but here's some really thoughtful excerpts from the novel:

"That is the way with stories; we make them what we will. It's a way of explaining the universe while keeping the universe unexplained, it's a way of keeping it all alive, not boxing it into time.
Everyone tells a story tells it differently, just to remind us that everybody sees it differently."

The book has large focuses on religion, or more specifically, on Christianity.
The conflicting views of the fundamentalist mother enforcing upon Jeanette's views, to conform to the conventions of the church, with her binary definitions that there exists only good and evil, makes even the purest child lost and confused. There are friends, and there are enemies. A person is either holy or evil. There is no room in the world for non-religious people even if they are essentially good people - and they are much referred to as the Heathen. Yet, Jeanette, like many of us non-extremists, prefer to see others as individuals.
Just because someone doesn't belong in the church, doesn't mean that person is an evil. The recurrent events of Louie who goes around evangelizing, tells converts they have been saved, and to the non-converts, that it's their choice for damnation.

It's the same with life as it is with religion, we always have to make choices. Small ones, big ones, they dot our entire life journey. People come and go, and all the differing views are littered everywhere. It's impossible to get everyone to compromise on a same view, because we are just not wired up that way.

And I chanced upon this particular paragraph which reinforces on my previous post about faith:

Mrs Rothwell gone off by herself to commune with the Spirit. She was old and deaf and so engrossed that she never saw the tide come sloping in. We looked about us, and only by a miracle were we in time to catch sight of Mrs Rothwell's waving arm as she sank below the surface.
'Is she waving?' May wondered anxiously.
'Drowning more like,' exclaimed Fred, peeling off his jacket and tie. And he thundered off through the breakers.
Immediately the pastor led everyone in prayer, and Mrs White started up with We Have an Anchor. We hardly got to verse 3 when Fred reappeared carrying Mrs Rothwell over his shoulder.

It's quite obvious that the point I would like to drive home is the difference with simply having pure faith and doing something about it. Would the pastor and his congregation have saved the old lady merely by praying? Or would Fred, the one with most common sense, have saved a life with actions? Just having faith alone wouldn't bring a person anywhere, he needs to enforce it upon his actions and allow faith to aid him in propelling beyond boundaries.
All the talk about having faith would be meaningless if we sat by and did nothing to back our faith with actions.

Monday, June 21, 2010

The Line

I'd been wanting to go The Line at Shangri La ever since I watched buffetlicious on Channel 8. They featured The Line 2 weeks back.

Today, I've finally been there!
It's one of the nicest zen/modern interior with a generous white and a few splashes of orange to complement the white. The service they had was also one of a kind. From the lobby onwards, as usual, they had staff to open the car door etc, then we asked the bell boy where the restaurant was, and usually directions would just be told, but no, he went a step further by leading the way till we arrived at the restaurant. Six stars quality service, nothing less.

At the restaurant itself, the wait staff were efficient and plentiful. Plates were cleared efficiently. They were always on their toes to respond to customers' requests. I was impressed. We stayed till their lunch buffet was closed and I saw the whole team of wait staff gathering for a debrief after that. No wonder their service was so good. Reviews and reviews, refine and reflect on how to serve for a bigger crowd later in the night.

So on to my buffet...
It's always my routine to attack the seafood and sashimi sections, occasional grilled food and to wash the palate down with some good steaming soup.
So as usual, I had generous portions of salmon belly sashimi freshly cut by the chef at the Jap station. Then I had a bowl of herbal chicken soup to prepare the stomach for somemore raw food. Their raw oysters were big, fat, succulent and zesty with lemon and a drip of tobasco sauce. Slurp. Next I had the fresh crab pincers. Ate a total of 5 of that. Super sweet and chunky. Loveeeeeeee it man.
In between those raw food, I had slices of sirloin steak, finely sliced and grilled to medium. Ahh, too bad it was just really ordinary beef slices, nothing fanciful.
Finally to top it off, the dessert station was quite impressive. A whole range of cakes and pastries, with gelato ice cream as well. One thing that I didn't get to order was the crepes. Definitely a pity.

Nothing short to complain of though, it was a good meal. And it only came up to about 35 bucks after loads of discount. Super hua for whatever that went in my stomach. Now I shall stop craving for sashimi so much.

Back to Oranges... after all they are not the only fruit. Lit is on Thurs!

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Power of rights

It might just be this very maid of mine who's really smart in abusing her rights as a human being, she's the only one who is able to make me feel tensed and scared when she insists that she is correct. Whenever I make a remark on the lack of standards of something, she is super defensive and comes up with a non-exhaustive list of excuses for it before I can even finish talking. You know how Channel 5 has Incredible Tales? Maybe I can do a series of Incredible Maid Tales.
When I told her that her fried bee-hoon was a bit bland today even though it smelled really good, she ended up cooking a really salty fried rice for dinner, just to get back at my comment of her food being bland. Seriously. The narrow-mindedness of humans can get quite disgusting at times.

I've been studying like a mad cow from day to night these days, feeling the stress of how much, or rather, little time there is left till Lit on next Thurs. Who has exams before the end of holidays? School's already cheated us of our holiday, now they want to rob that 2 days from us.
It's ok. Dongggggggggggggggg! Like how we hang on for dear life when we are at the crux of a really hard move. Flash it if you can't onsight it; red-point it if you can't flash it.

Still haven't perished under the North Korea regime of studying I've placed myself under during this holiday.
Eat, sleep, take frequent breaks are the keys to dealing with stress. Friends, don't crumble even before JCTs! Look towards A levels, that's the real end point.
Even if JCT results suck, Prelims results suck, you know what?
Everything doesn't matter when the As on A levels result slip erase all the past blemishes.

Just a little thought...
I've been reading blogs of many unhappy/sad/depressive incidents that have happened over the holidays. No matter how sad you might be feeling, or that life isn't the best at all right now, just be happy because it makes the whole process so much easier to endure. Beating yourself up with things not within your control wouldn't make anything any better. When you are sad, the negative energy just spills over to the rest. When you're happy, you're subconsciously making the people around you happier as well. Give it a little thought, would you prefer hanging out with a depressive friend or a happy friend? If you chose the latter, start with being happy yourself, because that will automatically make others happy. It's infectious.
It's so much easier to fall into the drips and drapes, i know. But at least try. Do something about it, rather than complain about the obstacles in life because that would change nothing except make everything worse off for yourself.
Start with little achievable goals because these are all just part and parcel of the beautiful thing called life. It is with hardships that we learn to appreciate the good stuffs.

Friday, June 18, 2010

The thing about love

You know that's what they all say, don't jump into a relationship too soon, or you'd get thrown right out even before you know it. But hey, look, it's the trend to jump in, find out it's not what you like, jump right out. Maybe do some damage control here and there, and prepare for the next catch. Is that how it's going?

I didn't have any advice on the 'foundation of friendship' thing from anyone. Maybe that's how we all learn right? And some of us just don't learn though. It's the ideal thing be with someone who is and will be your best friend forever. Not the ideal thing to wake up the next morning and go "hiya stranger, whatcha doing in my place?" And start realising that maybe after all, your supposedly other half isn't your other half, it would be someone else's, soon.

That's right. I figured my mistake after quite a while, or rather let me rephrase that, I did see the mistake, I just didn't have the guts to acknowledge it was my mistake. Now it's just making me feel like an ass. Why was I holding on so long for? Silly girl.

The infatuation thing wouldn't bring you very far, say 5 years tops. If you really knew the person and started out as friends, rather than lovers, just maybe, the relationship would have lasted.
But these days, you never know right?

Marriage rate is on the rise, divorce rate is not lagging either.
So who's to say?

The thing about faith is that it can't be seen. It's hard to hold onto something you can't feel.
Yeah, you gotta have faith in that person man, or you gotta have faith that it's gonna work out somehow. But when the waters coming in, your head's barely above the waters, do you say I trust my faith will save me, or do you get the hell outta there and say you're done with it? Maybe common sense could have saved you rather than pure blind faith.
People gotta just accept the harsh reality and move on man. That's how life is, definitely not the most smooth-flowing thing I've known.

Well, I'm packing up my emotional baggage and throwing it out. The bits and pieces are still all over the place. I'll be done clearing it soon enough.

Aside from the trashy rant above based on little experience, am I glad to say that we'll be having 2 cars in the household soon enough! No more car-lessness over the weekends. Tell me why I'm studying so hard again?
Cos' there's so many things waiting for me to be done at the end of the year ;)

When one door closes, many other doors open up, just gotta let go man. Look up, you never know what's coming for you!

Let me do a last rant - one of the many things that get me going, is how some people just haven't found their identity yet, and blatantly copy others, just to fit into the crowd and grab the limelight. It irks me. I was wondering if self-awareness was ever in the dictionary.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

New look

I was just wondering why Blogger is so slow with their new blog templates design, because tumblr and livejournal are already splashing their sites with amazing templates, and I even created a tumblr account ready to jump the bandwagon only to log in to blogger to realise they have update themselves as well. The technology world sure is fast to respond to competition.
With their new blog templates, I only have qualms about putting picture in the background and making my entire blog page lag, hence the plain background once again.

The past 2 days have been amazingly stuffed with good food for me. I had a BBQ night at ECP, totally satisfying my stingray cravings. Then yesterday, the 5 of us had an impromptu meet up for dinner at Yuki Yaki. They have improved their variety of food, I must say, though I still don't fancy yong tau foo that much, I enjoyed their sashimi and tomyum soup for the steamboat.
We were chatting about the old OBS times and it always never fail to make all of us laugh once again. Memories... they don't fade with time and they remind us of how far we have come. It always puts a smile on my face especially all the times we had in TKG. It felt like we all went back in time to relive those good moments again. I think the 5 of us hardly even changed much.

I am almost done with my Math revision. Next 1 and half week more for Physics and Econs. JCT, here I come... to own you!

FYI: I have added a "Like" button like the one you see in Facebook. Quite fool-proof and self-explanatory! Just tick the box if you enjoyed the post.

Wednesday, June 09, 2010

Post climbing

Any desire to climb has been painfully and effectively removed by the constant pressure to study. My mind is in a consistent pressure cooker environment; the moment I wake up, all I think about is the most efficient way to get all distractions out of the way before I embark on the noon long journey of moulding the brain into an answer script for the exams. My pimples are fully sychronised with this pressured environment, they are never done coming up one after another.
If I could dong for another 5 months, I would reward myself luxuriously after that.

The mere thought of a University education waiting for me comprising of this JC life condensed into each semester drives me mad.

How does any sane human being in Singapore survive such a taxing education system?

If the Generation Y kids are like that, I can't fathom the Gen Z kids. Poor them.

What makes the government think more couples would want to give birth to more children to let them suffer this vicious(which is an understatement in itself) cycle?

In other countries, holidays are meant to relax and wind down. In Singapore, it's meant for school-going kids to catch up on other enrichment courses, to gain an edge over the rest basically and it's meant for adults to pay their sleep debt.
Whatever happened to a quality life? Materialistic happiness is barely even enough to sustain the quality of the lives of Singaporeans.

Sure, those who break out of this cycle and announce their success are merely the works and products of the robot-producing education system.
I already see part of my brain gleaming in the sunlight, the metal bright and shiny, ready to dive into the large pool of long-corroded brains and be part of the wasted metal.

Blood

Remind me again why blood is thicker than water, because I have been forced to believe that it has always not been the case for me.

I can't believe how harsh my uncle can be towards me over a trivial matter like a camping bag. I have admitted it was my fault for keeping it in my possession for quite a while and didn't manage to return to them even though I could over many occasions when we met. My cousin needed it and I lent it to someone who needed it before knowing my cousin wanted it back. It got blown up when my uncle and aunt knew of it and started being all furious and uptight. I don't blame them if they were angry. Yet, seriously, my cousins are all grown up already, yet the parents still have to babysit them in every thing. Even such a simple thing like preparing for camp, my aunt still had to take care of such matters. I know it's not his fault. The parents are the ones who aren't able to let go, they don't see they are hindering their child's growth by doing everything for them. My cousin could just get me directly in wanting the bag back. He told his mom, who called my mom up to scold my mom, which my mom told her to just call me directly to scold me. What? I can't believe how ridiculous this is.

That is besides the point. A whole different matter came into the picture when my uncle began concluding and labelling me as a "too selfish" person. Yet again, the favourite line used against me, "I thought you are a smart girl...", my intellectual capacity has nothing to do with my morals. Why do the parentals always never seem to connect the dots the right way. They make their own links and assumptions and force it down the throats of the younger ones.

I am not one who bear grudges. I forgive, but i can't forget the episode that happened previously at the start of last year.
I've always treated this uncle and aunt as my 2nd set of parents because of the love they showered on me when I was much younger. Being the workaholics my parents were, they didn't have the time to bring my brother and I out to have fun or bond. My uncle and aunt were the ones who stood in for my parents. I will always appreciate this very fact because it has led to the formation of my memorable childhood memories.
What happened last year kind of hardened and toughened me up on the harsh realities of life. My mom, brother and I were in a crisis of having nowhere to stay while we wait for our new house to be done renovating. We had already lived out the tenancy date for the previous house. Being so desperate, the people we turned to were obviously the ones closest to us(or at least we thought so). In the end, the naivety I had as a child instantly evaporated when they rejected us. I had to put up elsewhere, someone who had no blood relations with me. My brother found his refuge at a friend's place and my mom managed to convince her other sister to let my kitty and maid live with her. Our family lived apart for that week. It was surely a tough week; my heart broke again and again at the harshness of reality. It indeed served as a wake up call for me that friends are more reliable in times of need.

This week has been a hellish one. With waves of frustrations coming after one another, I am struggling but still surviving. I'm appalled at the ugliness of life yet what can I do about it? The only way is to grow up and learn through the hard way. It is fueling my desire to do even better, to outshine, outwit and outlast everything -all of this, in the name of being a better person, to make the world a better place to live in.

Monday, June 07, 2010

Release the clenched fist

I've always hated conflicts.
I always take a detour around the conflict or provide some sort of distraction hoping it will pass over. I have always thought this was the best way I could avoid a conflict. However, to my mom, it only serves to antagonize her even further. She sees it as my way of escaping reality, of not facing the problems.
I think I have a found the root cause of all our unhappiness.
It's my way of looking at things that is totally in contrast with hers.

I thought by avoiding it we would skip a heated argument. But no, she's the sort that bear grudges, which only makes everything so much worser because she remembers every little thing that I have done that she wasn't happy with. Whereas I'm always choosing to live and let live, forgive and forget, best if I treated it as if it didn't happen. I'd rather deal with the problem, get over it and move on. She chooses to blow it up, to let it affect everybody around, to make it such a big fuss that would make me feel like shit after that.

Why always trigger a mild person like that?
I really dislike all these tension building up. I hate confrontations.
It's an evil cycle because I disallow myself from making any mistakes in order to not cause any conflicts and I end up making even more mistakes from trying not to make mistakes.
Taking the easy way out seems to be not working anymore.
Sometimes I really wonder if the problem lies with me, or it's just her being overly insecure because of the lack of a man in the household.
Her only outlet to vent these frustrations is through both my brother and I.

My brother just go head to head with her, I just can't bring myself to do that.
And she outrightly says she prefers his rudeness towards her than my keeping silent.
What am I to do?

Her favourite weapon is my studies, or rather my determination in my studies. Favourite quote that kills me right deep inside "Study so hard also so useless". I hate how my studies always come into the picture. Am I suppose to give it up? To show that there is now no more that she can use against me? Does she really think that if I studied lesser I'd automatically be more filial? It's really the upbringing. She tries, and I think she's not able to handle it all alone. Help.
What's wrong with me? I don't drink/smoke/take drugs/commit crimes/sleep around. What have I sinned, seriously... She always make it sound like I was a mistake all along.
I have high expectations of my own moral values, in front of her, I seem to lose it all. She's definitely have her way of making me seem so small. It's never good enough.

At the end of the day, it all boils down to her complaints of us not loving her enough. We can only provide that much.... It's draining for both my brother and I. For one, I definitely am not capable of loving her like how a man would.

Sunday, June 06, 2010

A day in the J household with a branded good

The past few days with Tan Chanel in my home has been quite a nightmare for Sushi. My heart goes all out to Sushi with all that she has been doing to traumatise my poor kitty. Sushi scrams and hides whenever she hears Chanel's booming from way outside the door before even she enter my house please. Nevertheless, it was still quite enjoyable with her company in the nice empty cosy house.

The 2 best jokes she made in a single night:
(Some athletic race was shown on the news at the 9.30pm news)
Chanel: EH IS THAT KOBE?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(again, at the 10pm sports news... some athletic race was shown with the runners running to the finish line)
Chanel: That one HUSSAIN BORT right???!
Jac: BOLT la -.- You very bored is it?
Nah: Erm i think it's Usain...

Tell me where to find this kind of free entertainment? Keeps you laughing all night long.

Saturday, June 05, 2010

A little walk

It's one of those rare days where I took the public transport willingly and (maybe grudgingly, fine cos the weather was so hot) I sound like I'm contradicting myself, but no, it was one of those days where you feel like you could travel any distance for someone. So I woke up just a tad bit late and decide to eat some fruit loops with milk and reminisce my childhood days with super sweet child-like cereal breakfast thinking I have all the time in the world to relax and chill and possibly wake up from my post-slumber drowsiness till I realised it was way past 12 and I sort of told Calvin I would be over at noon and decided to chop chop leave the house and not waste anymore time. That was a mouthful of a sentence.

He and I both needed lunch and I had to go Bedok Corner to packet some stuffs. That was when I realised I am such a noob when it comes to Malay and Indian food. Usually I'd go there for some malay sambal stingray and those BBQ food with family and friends, but it feels so different going there alone. That's cos I don't order all the time and now that I have to be a bit more independent, I realised I barely even know the variety of malay food the place has. Everything just seemed so foreign and similar to me. I feel so ignorant.
Anyhooooooooooo, I decided I shouldn't waste anymore time walking around in circles, like literally, and quickly ordered the food. Along my detour in circles, I saw many signboards with "nasi lemak power", "roti john power", "ayam penyet power", and i seriously wondered what the hell does it mean with the power behind those original names. Must be the fierce competition, so now they have product differentiation. Ha.

Walked a longggg way into his house. Surrounded by landed properties, I totally forgot how it felt like to live in one. Before I moved out of our last landed property at Upp. Paya Lebar, I walked around the neighbourhood soaking in all the feelings of serenity and perhaps exclusivity. That was all over when I shifted in at Pasir Ris after the whole episode of throwing many things out and down-sizing to fit so much furniture and belongings into a flat. The inconvenience of having to park the car at a Multi Storey Carpark, the inconvenience of taking the lift and walking to the corridor, and most of all, the privacy was lost. Who knew, I grew accustomed to it, just like how I matured from a spoilt brat to a little more sensible girl.

I still share the same dream with my mom, passionately keen on purchasing our next landed property within the coming 5 years. The thought of renovating it completely just refreshes my soul. The sense of fulfillment is constantly fuelled everyday when I think of how when I reach home and my beautiful masterpiece sits there waiting for the passers-by and myself to admire and envy.

This is my own way of motivating myself to continuously study and pursue my dreams. Keep it burning, keep it alive. Don't let the short-live pain outlast the big picture.

Thursday, June 03, 2010

Reasons why one shouldn't be with someone much older/younger

败犬女王 has officially come to an end, no more waiting for 10p.m to arrive on every week nights. The relationship that the female and male lead had reminded me a lot of things about the past relationship I had. Theirs was a 8 year gap relationship, with the male being much younger, I'm sure they faced more obstacles and stigma from the society than I would if it happened real life, but nonetheless, I'm still able to experience the same kinds of difficulties they tried to overcome together.

Many times I always wonder to myself if I would find yet another one who is so much older than I am. I have reminded myself so many times that it's never going to work out. Initially I had confidence with myself during the initial years that we were together. I have never doubted myself nor him. With the influence of family and friends, my confidence started to waver. I started doubting our future, and perhaps, I also stopped being that naive. In the end, I realised we had very different goals for our future. I will still be pursuing my studies in the near 5 years, while he would be looking for someone to settle down with already, someone of a marriageable age. I was wasting his precious time, because he wasn't young anymore. Furthermore, both of our family backgrounds were vastly different, which led to different opinions and mindsets due to the different upbringing. I thought we were able to reconcile the differences especially with our age gap. It was merely a number that had already set the distance apart, whether it was physically or emotionally.

It was only when I started reflecting on all those times that I felt so out of place during family gatherings, during friends gatherings, that it wasn't possible. In this relationship, it has taught me a lot about dating. It's really isn't just about the 2 persons involved anymore. Friends do talk, families do comment, even society looks upon such an unconventional relationship just waiting for it to outlast itself. I had to consistently deal with the social stigma aside from juggling with the differences we had in our personalities. You know they say love would conquer everything? When faced with the harsh reality, I'd say it's bullshit. You can't carry on a relationship with objections from friends and families, especially the people closest to you, who doesn't even believe in the relationship from the beginning.

In shows, there are always happy endings. In real life, I don't think I can pull it off the same way. And yet again, I still pine for an older partner. Such is the viciousness of life.